What The Hell Are They Smoking At The Department For Business, Innovation And Skills..?

And can I have some?

Forget the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker: in 20 years some of the most popular jobs could include vertical farmer, space pilot and body part maker, according to a government commissioned report.

The government spent taxpayer money on this pile of cack..?

Well, I bet they had lots of helpful ‘guidelines’ for the writers on what to emphasise, eh? Here’s one:

Shape of Jobs to Come predicts advances in science and technology, coupled with the expected onset of climate change, could make for career paths that are virtually unrecognisable today.

Oh, well, we had to get that in there somewhere, I suppose…

This was a nice little earner for someone, all right:

The research company Fast Future was asked by the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills to compile a list of jobs as part of the government's Science: [So what? So everything] campaign, launched last year to encourage a better understanding of science.

And it seems they did that compilation by ordering up some primo hash, laying in a stack of snacks and sugary drinks and encouraging their staff to surf the net, read some William Gibson and watch old sci-fi movies…

The company asked a network of "futurists and future thinkers" to consider likely science and technology developments before suggesting specific jobs. The result was a list of 110 roles, whittled down to 20 for the study.

Traditional roles within medicine and farming are expected to rely much more heavily on the use of computers and robots, while careers in social work are predicted to expand, to deal with the continuing increase in popularity of social networking sites.

Say what..?

Social workers are going to be dealing with Twitter-related abuse and Facebook exclusion in the future, are they? Well, they might be better at that than stopping raving lunatics from hacking up their five year old daughters, perhaps. Certainly if it means they don’t have to leave their cozy offices to do it…

What else did this brains trust come up with?

Some of the most exciting developments are expected to come in medicine, where the study predicts the creation of new limbs and organs will become a reality, meaning body part makers will be in demand.

Well, that at least could be useful. Think of all the amazing developments for injured people that this will provide, and the opportunity to go all 'Island of Doctor Moreau' on Everton...

Wait. What..?

Rohit Palwar, chief executive of Fast Future, predicted the generation of extra limbs would be invaluable to the military, but could see more use in sport. "If you're spending £80m on a footballer and for £2m you can have a couple of spare legs, then you're going to do it," he said. "The level of medicine will probably tell you very accurately when their legs will fail, or what kind of strains they're likely to suffer from. So you might say as a preventative measure, rather than three months' recovery let's have an artificial limb ready so we can replace their leg and have them back playing again within a few days or weeks."

…

…

Ummm, ok, Rohit, if you say so...

Look, 'fess up, OK? That bit was a joke, right? One of your employees said 'What's the most outlandish thing we could put in this, something that'll never get past them as a serious suggestion?' and one of the other said 'No way, man, they'll swallow anything!' and it was on...

That has to be the answer, right?

So what exciting future careers should the kiddiewinks be setting their sights on, Rohit, if they don’t want to become Head Gene Splicer at Wembley?

The team considered factors as diverse as the rise of space tourism, the risk of a deadly virus and the onset of climate change in compiling the list – three events which could lead to people working as space pilots or tour guides, quarantine enforcers and climate change reversal specialists.

Doesn’t that seem inviting..?

I suppose at least the Prime Mentalist wasn’t daft enough to utter a squeak about this waste of money blue sky repo…

Oh:

Gordon Brown said he hoped it would inspire young people to gain skills and training for these new careers. "A priority for this government is to prepare Britain for the economy of the future and to make sure our young people can seize the opportunities that innovations in science and technology will bring."

I can only assume he had that statement written for him by someone who hadn’t yet read the thing, and who is now clutching his forehead in agony and contemplating the almighty ribbing he’s going to get from all the other spin doctors and speechwriters in Whitehall…

Palwar said schools should concentrate on scientific subjects and improving all-round skills to equip children. "If I was a parent today the key thing I would want to make sure is that my kids were well versed in science and technology and were learning things like problem solving and how to make complex decisions."

Well, gosh, thanks for that, Palwar. But unfortunately, that’s what children used to learn in school.

Thanks to the policies of the bunch of cretins who are hosing down your staff with other people’s money, now all they learn is politically correct attitudes, how to keep your head down and not make eye contact with the other inmates and relationship issues...

Still, never mind, Rohit. When you do become a parent, your kids'll have a job in your firm, won't they?