Thank God He Didn’t Possess A Giant Sharpener Too…

..who knows what he could have done with it?

A window cleaner died after repeatedly stabbing himself in the leg with a giant pencil.

Jeffrey Burton's body was found in a blood soaked room at his home in St Leonards with a gash to his upper right thigh and an oversized souvenir pencil covered in blood next to his ankle.

That must surely trip the WTF?ometer in any newsroom…

The 57-year-old, who ran his own window-cleaning business, died from loss of blood.

So, case closed?

But last night it remained a mystery how Mr Burton had died - with a coroner admitting he was baffled as to what had happened.

Umm, no. I think they mean ‘baffled as to why it happened’…

An inquest at Hastings was told Mr Burton, of De Cham Road, had no history of suicide attempts and was looking forward to going on holiday.

So, no history of mental health issues then?

Not quite:

The victim’s only history of mental illness was a psychotic episode in 2006, when Mr Burton heard voices after returning from a holiday in Spain, and was admitted to the now-closed Woodlands mental health unit.

Hmm, holidays weren’t a good choice for this chap, were they?

Mr Craze recorded an open verdict saying there was no evidence he was trying to commit suicide.

No evidence he wasn’t, either, but I suppose this spares the family any more heartache.

Oh, and top marks to the first commenter, one ‘Mick Hunt’, (now sadly zapped by the mods) who noted:

The pen(cil) clearly is mightier than the sword......