I Think I'll Move To Salford...

...I mean, it must be a paradise - the roads must be pot-hole free, the parks green and well-kept, the refuse services second to none.

It must be all those thing, surely, if the council has nothing to do but fret over what the population puts in their mouths?

Chip shops, kebab houses and fast-food chains such as McDonald’s near schools would not be allowed to serve hot food to any customers – including adults – before 5pm in a shake-up of planning regulations put forward by Salford council.

No, it's not April 1st:

Margaret Morris, the council’s assistant mayor, said: ‘Takeaways create jobs and provide a service, but these ideas are to make sure they are opening in the right places and not having a negative impact.

‘We don’t think they should be serving hot food before 5pm near schools, as children should be encouraged to eat healthily.

'Public health and helping to reduce obesity levels are a top priority, and while planners cannot control the food that is sold we would like every new premise to offer well promoted healthy alternatives so people can have an informed choice about the food they eat.

'Residents are encouraged to come forward with any comments or suggestions so they can be taken into consideration before a decision is made on the future of planning in our city.'

I've got some comments and suggestions for you, Margaret...

Local residents were sceptical about whether the idea would work.

Really? Not utterly outraged at the presumption of these jumped up little Hitlers?

Nursery nurse Rebecca Hanlon-Jones, 23, said: 'I don’t think it will work. Obesity starts at home, and it depends much more on what the parents are feeding them the rest of the time.

'The ban would hit grown-up workers too - maybe that’s a good thing as some of them need it.'

You can go take a long walk off a short pier too, Rebecca.