"Send Reinforcements, They're Hugging Things At Us!"

Well, I don’t know what those Brixton bailiffs were complaining about. What’s an armed violent man compared with the terrifying prospect of … middle-class Victorian lamp standard enthusiasts?

Police were sent in after council workmen called 999 because they felt threatened by residents hugging lamp posts and demanding answers about a controversial street lighting upgrade programme.

Were they waving flaming torches and toting sacks of feathers and buckets of hot tar?

About 20 people, including several parents carrying babies, gathered in Mowbray Road in Crystal Palace in their battle to keep 10 Victorian-style lamp posts.

It’s the ones with young you've got to watch, they can be aggress…

Oh, wait, that’s bears.

He added: “The police officers were very confused at being told we were being aggressive to the builders. There were women and children, it was a spontaneous thing.

“We were hugging the lamp posts and saying how nice they are. But the builders said they were following orders and to speak to the council, who have failed to give us any proper answers.”

The officers left after finding no offences had been committed.

Actually, one had. Isn't it an offence to use the emergency number for something that turns out not to have been an emergency at all? They certainly keep telling us that it is…

A Croydon council spokesman said the new lights would be brighter and more energy-efficient and added: “Careful thought was given to the types of columns installed in different areas. Although this was a peaceful situation our contractors sensibly asked the police to attend so they could continue their work.”

I think I’ll send you a dictionary so you can look up what ‘sensible’ really means.