Sunday, 15 June 2014

Hatchet Pond had everything. Clear skies. Gentle turf. Pretty flowers. People flocked there every summer. It was the perfect feeding ground."

Scene: A quaint little pub, on the outskirts of the village. Country peasants huddle, nervous, as a stranger makes his opening speech.

"Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this beast for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad ass. Not like going down the gymkhana chasin' Dartmoors and Shetlands. This burro, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand quid, chief. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's just too many chiefs in this village. £10,000 for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing."
She added: “Isabelle was getting hysterical, crying and screaming. I got up and called for help. I wasn’t expecting anyone to put themselves at risk but they could have distracted the donkeys or tried to shoo them away.
“I was really angry that no-one did anything.
“Eventually someone got out of their car and told me to throw my bag of bread in her direction, which I did.
“The donkeys dispersed and I made a run for it but they ran after me. I was terrified.”
They don't make 'em tough in Hampshire, do they?
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5 comments:

  1. Flaxen Saxon15 June 2014 at 10:30

    No they bloody don't. Stray donkeys, like stray dogs, should be shot, unless they are called Shep. Donkeys called Shep should be allowed to run free and frolic through the parish, then shot.

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  2. Michael15 June 2014 at 13:05

    Not exacty the "Kinder Killer Sheep" are they?
    (A breed of sheep known to be carnivorous and predatory towards hapless ramblers).

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  3. Anonymous15 June 2014 at 13:21

    For millions of years her ancestors dodged sabretoothed tigers and other hungry carnivores and she gets hysterical when a tame herbivore wants in on the bread she's chucking around...

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  4. microdave15 June 2014 at 18:25

    Animals are very good at smelling fear in humans. Make a lot of noise, or start panicking, and they'll react accordingly. Chances are it was probably someone's noisy little dog that upset it in the first place...

    I can still remember some 45 years ago, while on holiday in Derbyshire with my parents, stopping for a break at a pub high on the moors. There was a donkey in the adjacent paddock, and a small boy was trying to feed it, but was clearly scared shitless, and the animal went for him. I picked up some grass and calmly walked over, hand outstretched. The donkey gently took the grass and was then happy to be made a fuss of.

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  5. JuliaM20 June 2014 at 08:46

    "Not exacty the "Kinder Killer Sheep" are they?"

    Well, that was a fascinating Google!

    "For millions of years her ancestors dodged sabretoothed tigers and other hungry carnivores ..."

    Quite!

    "Animals are very good at smelling fear in humans."

    Good point - her hysteria clearly didn't help.


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