Thursday 13 May 2010

Things I've Learned About Urban Life And Dog Ownership...*

  • If a four year old wakes hungry at midnight, the thing to do is offer them a packet of crisps.
  • It's quite normal to have two of your three dogs turn on a third and kill it. No action need be taken.
  • If you have a heavily-pregnant bitch as one of those three (Ooops! Two!) dogs, it's best to keep her confined so she delivers safely let her run around loose to be killed by a car.
  • If one of your absolutely-not-bred-for-fighting-dogs goes nuts and mauls to death your four year old nephew (he of the nightly gourmet meal of crisps), no-one will think it odd that you pen the sort of mawkish sentimental tripe that would have a seasoned Hallmark Card buyer vomiting uncontrollably as a 'tribute' at the funeral.
* Disclaimer: May only apply to Liverpool.
at

8 comments:

  1. RantinRab13 May 2010 at 13:40

    I thought Wayne Rooney would have been too busy to keep all them dogs...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Mark Wadsworth13 May 2010 at 14:21

    And what we've learned about Rural Life and Dog Ownership is:

    Rambler + dogs + cow + calves = risk of serious injury or death.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous13 May 2010 at 14:22

    Dey doo do don' dey dey doo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Chuckles13 May 2010 at 15:38

    'Rambler + dogs + cow + calves = risk of serious injury or death.'

    You have a cow and a dog: Something should be done, there should be a law against it...

    SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
    Every day my dog and I go for a tramp in the woods.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Chuckles13 May 2010 at 15:48

    Oh and AP,
    First cows, giraffes, dogs, the trees are getting into the act now -

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1277838/Green-Party-councillor-Phil-Gordon-dies-falling-tree.html

    The picture, oh the picture. Satire is dead. Sometimes they eat their young, you know.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Indyanhat13 May 2010 at 16:54

    Youre shittin me , a green tree hugger had a tree maliciously attack and kill him, was it in some sort of protest at being hugged???

    ReplyDelete
  7. Vetnurse13 May 2010 at 17:20

    Yup standard dog and kid care but you did forget that you need to be able to set your one of your absolutely-not-bred-for-fighting-dogs onto the police for fun so it can spend 5 months in a secure often s**t kennel before being put down.

    ReplyDelete
  8. JuliaM13 May 2010 at 17:42

    5 months..? Good grief!

    ReplyDelete