Oh, God! Please Make It Stop..!

More than 1,000 lifestyle coaches are being recruited to give 'couch potato' primary school children lessons in yoga and cheerleading.

Pupils as young as four will have extra-curricular classes in free running, breakdancing and Brazilian martial arts.

In…what?!

Is this government now trying to kill me by forcing a brain aneurysm? I thought it was only ‘Constantly Furious’ that was trying to do that…

And are you ready for ‘fat kid homework’?

Up to 20,000 youngsters judged to be too inactive will be given additional activities at lunchtime or after school - times when previous generations would simply have played games among themselves or competed in sports.

Well, we can’t leave it up to the kiddies to sort themselves out, can we? That will never do.

How are ‘lifestyle coaches’ supposed to put food on the table otherwise? Get a proper job?

The Department of Health and the Department for Children, Schools and Families has provided the Youth Sport Trust with £1million for the initiative under which 1,100 'active lifestyle coaches' will be recruited.

Ummm, no. They haven’t.

WE have. US, the poor bloody taxpayer. AGAIN!

And we’re about to provide even more…

Local authorities and primary care trusts are ploughing in additional cash, meaning the total bill could run into millions.

Err, hang on, though. Aren’t all those councils a-weepin’ and a-wailin’ about how they have to shed staff and cut services due to the recession?

Yet here they are, enthusiastically diving in to the latest hare-brained scheme to issue forth from the bowels of government and planning to increase staff.

Something stinks…

Margaret Morrissey, of pressure group Parents Outloud, called the scheme 'gimmicky nonsense'.

That was impressively restrained of you, Margaret. I bet it wasn’t what you first thought when you read this, though.

I suspect a candid and frank statement from you at that moment might have been far more entertaining, though possibly would risk your PA needing a new asterisk key on her keyboard…

She said: 'Everyone has the chance of living healthy lifestyles and we don't need lifestyle coaches to do that. We have very good PE lessons and children can walk to school. Most local areas also have good swimming pools.

'The thing that really annoys me is that we are entering an election campaign and the Government is playing politics with children and education.'

Yeah, that wasn’t to be expected or anything, was it?

Nick Seaton, of the Campaign for Real Education, added: 'This is a ridiculous waste of taxpayers' money. The cash would be far better used in helping to raise standards in the basics.

'Schools should be able to encourage youngsters to take an interest in sport without needing these coaches. Some of the sports such as cheerleading don't even sound suitable.

I think the word you were groping for there was ‘sensible’, but still…

Public Health Minister Gillian Merron (Ed: yes, that Gilliam Merron, Ms ‘I see no ships complaints’ herself.. ) said it was vital to help every child 'get a decent amount of exercise if they are to avoid serious health problems'.

She said: 'By being physically active now through play, games and sport, children are far more likely to go on to be active, healthy adults.

'Although childhood obesity is levelling off, the Government will do everything it can to support those children most at risk. Active lifestyle coaches will help these children find a fun way on to the right track.'

Oh, terrific.

Government-mandated ‘fun’. For those young people who’ve had one too many portions of Government-mandated chips.

Oh, brave new world…