It's Not Really A Surprise....

....that a coffee machine is awful at cleaning carpets. Is it, 'Mail'?

WWhich WWar WWas it??

WWell...?

H/T: Stephen Brown via email

Sunday Funnies...

I was rather expecting 'Twilight Zone: The Movie' to feature in this one...

It Was Also The Most Pointless Answer....

The United Nations rapporteur on extreme poverty and human rights squeezed onto a school bench alongside a dozen children in one of Glasgow’s most deprived neighbourhoods and posed a question: “Who should help poor people?”

“The rich people,” Soroush, one of the children, shot back. “It’s unfair to have people earning billions of pounds and have other people living on benefits.”

It was perhaps the frankest answer Philip Alston received on a two-day visit to Scotland, where a million people live in relative poverty, including one in five children.

Note that 'relative' in there. These children are not 'living in poverty' at all.

Little Soroush isn't rooting through a garbage pile for enough to eat, or sleeping on the streets, or dying of a relatively-curable illness.

The children were asked to jot down what being poor might mean for a person. John Adebola-Samuel, 12, quietly penned: “He cannot afford meals. He cannot buy trainers. He cannot watch TV.”

Remember when you could go to a Scottish school and quote children called Hamish & Morag? Are there any left?

While Alston met Sturgeon, Karen Reid, 35, a single mother of four in the deprived Pilton neighbourhood - close to affluent Stockbridge and the elite Fettes College public school - told the Guardian how she last worked nine years ago, struggled with depression and once drank so heavily she suffered permanent nerve damage to her hands and feet.

Her disability allowance has been stopped, costing her family £600 a month.

And relieving the taxpayer of having to support a workshy drunkard. Sounds like a good deal to me!

Alston is in Belfast on Saturday before finishing his tour in Essex and London. He will announce the conclusions of his investigation at a press conference on Friday.

Don't bother. I can already predict what he'll say.

Maybe Judge Purkiss Should Foster Him Instead?

A teenage boy with special needs has been "failed" by a Canvey specialist care unit, a judge has said.

'Failed' how, exactly?

The judge has aired her criticisms in a written ruling after analysing the boy's case at a private hearing at the East London Family Court in Canary Wharf, London, earlier this year.

Ah. One of those. And we criticise other countries for secretive justice systems...

Island Lodge staff had not been trained to look after a child with the teenager's disabilities, did not know how to communicate with him and had exercised "unnecessary and probably unlawful restraint", the judge said.

Translation: "He was a violent little nightmare and they didn't want to wind up with staff injuries and resignations..."

She said bosses at Island Lodge had written to the council indicating that they did not agree with some of her findings.

Heh! I'd love to read that. But we can't.

Judge Purkiss said the boy's parents had asked the council for help because they were having difficulties managing his behaviour.

Maybe Judge Purkiss should offer to let him stay with her? She clearly knows better than anyone else...

"Island Lodge was never the right place for (the boy)," said Judge Purkiss. "Staff at the unit did not know how to communicate with (him) and were hyper vigilant he would become aggressive."

They do have the welfare of their own staff to look after...

"This led them to exercise unnecessary and probably unlawful restraint."

Shouldn't you know what's lawful and what isn't? Aren't you a judge?

The Justice System Is Broken...

The cowardly joint owner of a dangerous dog that “scalped” a young child has been sent to jail after previously failing to appear for sentence.

Sound familiar? It should do.

Michael Thornton was sentenced in his absence to two years in prison on October 10. Hayley Eldridge was jailed for 21 months for the dog offence and 16 weeks consecutive for perjury.

A warrant was issued for Thornton’s arrest and he was detained 27 days later.

I expect that cost him an increase in sentence?

Imposing 28-days imprisonment for breaching his bail, consecutive to the two years, a judge told him: “You didn’t have the guts to turn up to your sentencing hearing.”

Who could have suspected th...

Oh.

Judge Griffith-Jones told Thornton: “This was deliberate behaviour on your part in an attempt to delay the inevitable day of reckoning.

“Included in your appalling previous history are numerous offences of failing to surrender or other failures to comply with court orders.”

In which case, why was he ever afforded the opportunity?

Time You Got New Lawyers...

Police have not questioned Doherty because lawyers said it is likely no crime was committed.

Really? Section (3) of the Dangerous Dogs act says if the owner or, if different, the person for the time being in charge of a dog allows it to enter a place which is not a public place but where it is not permitted to be and while it is there— . (a)it injures any person; or . (b)there are grounds for reasonable apprehension that it will do so, he is guilty of an offence.

Even the RSPCA agrees:

"It is an offence if your dog attacks an assistance dog but attacks on other animals including pet dogs are not. However, a court could prosecute if a person believes they would have been injured if they tried to stop a dog attacking their animal. "

It's no surprise that huskies are prone to attacks on animals. nor that a druggie waste of oxygen isn't a responsible pet owner.

And now, it's no surprise anymore that the police are an utter waste of time and money. 

Should've Gone To....

...ah, you all know. And other optical supply retailers are available:

Callers reported seeing the stranded pooch on a church roof and feared it was dead when they realised it wasn't moving.

RSPCA inspector Nigel Duguid clambered up to discover the stricken "dog" in Port Talbot, South Wales, was a lifelike toy.

How lifelike?

*laughs hysterically*

Can't Just Sweep It Under The (Chinese) Rug Any More...

Households have been urged to recycle with more care as countries dealing with our rubbish get tough on waste.

Why are other countries 'dealing with our rubbish' in the first place?

Much of Barking and Dagenham’s recycling gets shipped outside the UK where it is transformed into other stuff.

Heh! That's quality journalism, that! 'Other stuff'...

A recent poll by the Local Government Association (LGA) revealed that at least 20 per cent of councils were under pressure as a result of new restrictions from countries including China on certain plastics and paper.

Some councils who have been most affected warn their recycling costs have increased by £500,000 on average over the last year as a result of the restrictions.

So just pass them on to the ratepayer, like you do with every other cost...

Cllr Martin Tett, the LGA’s environment spokesman, said: “It’s clear that the ban by China on imported waste, which could soon be introduced by other countries, could have a marked impact on councils’ ability to recycle.

“It’s essential that the government provides support to help councils offset the loss of income they face as a result of the ban and encourage manufacturers to use more recyclable materials.”

When you say 'government', you do realise they don't have any money?

Not Falling For It Any More...

A taxi driver refused to take a blind man's guide dog in his car - but blamed it on his asthma.

But surely if this is genuine you can get an exemption?

But he was ordered to pay a fine after Kirklees magistrates heard that he did not possess a medical exemption certificate.

Ah. Must have slipped his mind?

Cabbie Mohammed Sattar, who works for Skelmanthorpe Cars, told the man that he was allergic to dogs when he came to collect him on April 5.

*rolls eyes*

Sattar, of Moorside Avenue in Crosland Moor , was investigated and provided a letter from his GP saying that he suffered from asthma and this was exacerbated by dog and cat hairs.

As a result, the doctor said, he was unable to carry such animals however Mr Hanif said that the fact that the driver was unable to transport them was not the issue.

He explained that all private hire taxi drivers are required to take a course which includes dealing with difficult customers and different scenarios. Mr Hanif said:

“Within that training course it is explained that if you have such issues you have to apply for an exemption certificate.”

 And if you're too dim to grasp that, perhaps some other line of work would suit you better?