Not Good Enough For The Throne, Ma’am?

More than 1000 rolls of premium German toilet paper rejected by the Queen have been donated to a Croydon school.

Rejected by her personally? It must be like Izal!

German company Hakle sent 90 packs of bog roll to Buckingham Palace to ensure the monarch has access to one of life's necessities in case of a 'no deal' Brexit shortage.

Ah. I see.

After the palette was turned away by security due to safety fears (Ed: *boggle*), a staff member of the Dusseldorf based company suggested they should gift to Woodcote High School, based in Coulsdon, where her brother Peter Mack works as Deputy Head.

How cozy!

"Whilst it was done as a publicity stunt, there is a serious element to it.

"In case of a no-deal Brexit there is a real chance the UK could run out quickly, since we import far more than we produce."

If that's the worst that Brexit is likely to inflict, I think I'll survive...

I Can See Where They Get The Time To Do This...

A mother today threatened legal action against a south London primary school after she accused teachers of forcing her son to take part in an LGBT ‘Pride’ event.

Izoduwa Montague claimed Heavers Farm Primary School, South Norwood, failed to get her permission for four-year-old Izaiyah to become involved in a session called ‘Proud to be Me’ without her permission.

Now, if you're wondering how they have time for this, well, this picture from the 'Times' will give you a clue:

Future 'Daily Mail' copy editor!

School head Susan Papas said the focus on Pride and LGBT history was one of a number of themes studied by pupils each half term.

Other topics included black history, disability awareness and the environment.

But not spelling or writing in coherent English, which you might think was a bit more important...

This Is Really Tragic, How Can I Laugh?

*bites tongue really hard*

Today her devastated adoptive mother Michele, 52, warned other people of the dangers of extreme food challenges.

She said: 'I remember raising my eyebrows when Bethan started the game, thinking "how old are you?" and telling her to spit them out.

'She was like a little hamster with her cheeks bulging.

'She danced off to the toilet to get rid of them and it was only a while later we realised she had been gone a long time.'

*bites even harder*

Mrs Gaskin sobbed: 'She looked perfect and so beautiful. It was just like she was sleeping.

'So many people have said they play a similar game with marshmallows. Even my 90-year-old aunt said she does it with Maltesers.

'This just shows how fragile we are.'

*bites all the way through tongue*

Mmmpht mmgh *gurgle* nnth!

When Intelligent Autofill Goes Wrong...

Errr, yeah. Thanks, Shopping List app. I don't think I'll be buying one of those this weekend...

So, Dinosaurs Had Feathers...

...and birds have hair?

H/T: Stephen Brown via email

Sunday Funnies...

Nature, red in tooth and....ugh!

Sympathy For The Family Of The Devil Now..?

The family of a mum who was kicked to death on the street yelled out 'scum' as her murderer 'smiled' when he was taken down to the cells to face more than 18 years behind bars.

A domestic? Well, no.

Florin Ion was jailed for life after murdering 47-year-old Julie Hunt, a complete stranger to him, near Lakeside Shopping Centre in Thurrock while she was on her way to work at around 8.30am on Friday, April 20 last year.

The defendant, who was 31 when he carried out the brutal attack, knocked Julie to the floor when the two of them came face to face. He then proceeded to kick and stamp on her head in full view of several passers-by, fracturing her bones and causing severe brain injuries.

Strange name. Not very Essex, is it?

Ion, from Romania, had only been in the country for around four months when he savagely assaulted Julie.

He'd been on a bus to catch a ferry back to his homeland when it stopped at a Lakeside stop for a comfort break.

Already at that stop was the victim, on her way to work. She made the mistake of catching this creature's eye as he ran for a bus he thought was his.

The callous attack was witnessed by several people as they made their way to work on that Friday. Mr Stocks, who was driving the tanker, attempted to intervene, pulling a crowbar out of his truck to try and stop Ion.

But the court heard how Ion's aggression only intensified when bystanders approached him.

Nevertheless, they ran him off, and held him until police arrived. Sadly, far too late for the victim. You'll no doubt be wondering if he tried an insanity defence?

Mitigating on Ion's behalf, Paul Mendelle explained how Ion thought the victim was going to kill him.

/facepalm

Five independent experts examined Ion during the course of last year to determine whether any underlying mental health issues could explain the unprovoked attack.

All of them concluded that there was no explanation for the incident other than Ion's anger

All this delayed the trial. But it's only taxpayer money, after all.

The most shocking thing was the judge's summing up:

Judge Lynch passed a sentence of life, with a minimum tariff of at least 18 years and four months.

In her sentencing remarks, she said: "I also take into account the family of the defendant - their pain too I appreciate is great.

"I hope this can be conveyed to them afterwards - it is a tragedy for many people."

How heartwarming.

H/T: Ted Treen via email

Taking Us For Mugs, With The Full Consent Of The State...

A couple with three children are desperate to move out of their “overcrowded” one bedroom flat.

Well, why did they move into it then?

The couple have lived in Poynings Drive in Hangleton since 2005, but their problems started when their first child, three-year-old Maryam, was born.

And it has got worse since their second and third daughters were born. The youngest, Hibba, is now ten months old.

So you knew you had no room, but kept having children? How is that the council's fault..?

How is that somehow the responsibility of the taxpayer..? Who is, after all, keeping you:

The family receives £176.05 per week from income support and £48.10 from child benefit per week. Mr Ishaq said rent is £76 per week which he gets in full from housing benefit so the income support and child benefit does not go towards rent, but he said he does have to pay council tax.

Currently the couple are unemployed, after Mr Ishaq suffered from a back injury in 2004 and Widad stays at home to look after the children.

Ah, the 'back injury'. Well, I suppose it's time to return to the classics. Clearly, 'mental health issues' have had their moment of fame.

Generation Snowflake...

A poll of almost 38,000 UK students suggests rates of psychological distress and illness are on the rise in universities, with “alarmingly high” levels of anxiety, loneliness, substance misuse and thoughts of self-harm.

Oh no! This is serious!

*reads further*

The findings were based on responses from a self-selecting sample of students who took part in an online survey.

*shrugs*

*turns the page*

Play Silly Games, Win Silly Prizes...

Luke Blackhurst, who was living in Sillwood Street, Brighton, had not been seen for a couple of days after he had been out with friends.

The opening of an inquest in to his death heard it was not unusual for the young man to take different drugs, including ketamine and morphine.

He was found dead in his home after a night out.

Another Darwin Award winner shuffles off this mortal coil...

The inquest heard Mr Blackhurst’s last activity on his laptop was searching the internet for the side-effects of eating out-of-date noodles.

His mother said she suspected the off noodles may have killed him.

Clearly, he got his street smarts from his mum!

Miss Blackhurst said her son had money stolen from his flat a week before his death and was concerned of a third party involvement.

A one-armed man, perhaps?

Ms Hamilton-Deeley said further enquiries will be carried out to address some of Miss Blackhurst’s concerns and Mr Pinder’s suspicions.

Sure, why not? It's only taxpayer money, after all.