And The Connection Is…?

A fan of American rapper Eazy-E has been successful in a campaign to get his town to immortalise his hip-hop hero.

Last week, Newhaven resident Guy Stevens demanded his town council erect a statue to the star of Gangsta rap group NWA.

Hmmm. Might be a little difficult when you can't spell out the full name of this ensemble without causing a public order offence...

Newhaven Town Council had previously admitted it had “no idea” who Eazy-E is.

Lucky them!

But has now said it will allow the super fan to build a bench in his honour.

Probably in a 'Oh, just let him, so he'll go away!' mood...

A jubilant Mr Stevens said: “It’s a great day not just for myself but for the future of Newhaven. I might push for someone to fly over from America for the ceremony.”

Anyone in particular? But wait, what's the connection with Newhaven? Did he come from here?

The rapper from Compton, California, achieved success in the early Nineties with songs such as F*** Tha Police, Express Yourself and Real Mutha******** Gs.His life was also portrayed in 2015 film Straight Outta Compton.

He died of Aids in 1995.

Hmm. Seems not. Seem's there's no connection.

Mr Stevens created an online poll which found 36 people would be in favour of an Eazy-E monument.

*laughs* I've seen bigger online polls for people's favourite brand of crisp!

Signs You Should Probably Ignore Anything Someone Has To Say…

Sex and violence should be cut from street advertising, according to a psychic healer who has led a 20-year, one-man crusade.

Yup, that’ll do it.

Martin Coombs, 72, of Perry Vale, Forest Hill, set up the group Stop Crude Advertising Material in Public (Scamp) in the early 1990s and is now looking for supporters.

He initially focused on pornography after he had a complaint from one woman who “felt threatened” at a petrol station selling soft porn magazines.

There are petrol stations that don’t sell soft-porn magazines, then..?

He said: “I am not a prude. People are entitled to see or purchase what they want but it should be in the privacy of their own homes.”

Mr Coombs claims that levels of street crime are not helped by adverts and posters which “normalise” violence and the use of weapons.

I don’t think they are encouraged, either.

But maybe he could give us an example?

Over the years he has put in around 30 complaints, including against adverts for serial killer drama Dexter and Nikita, which featured a gun-wielding heroine with the strapline “I like to kill.”

Oh, my…

He also joined protests against ads for horror film Eight Legged Freaks which depicted terrifying giant spiders he claimed could cause a car accident.

Really? I thought they had to be sculptures to do that…

But so far his only success has been a ban on a poster by the Deptford radio station Fusion, depicting a naked female torso with the nipples replaced by radio dials.

*sigh*

Guess who his heroine is? Go on, guess…

Mr Coombs, who admits to being inspired by campaigner Mary Whitehouse, is now seeking help and support from organisations and people with an outlook similar to his own.

He says she told him: “People think you might be nuts, but keep on doing it.”

You keep on keeping on, you crazy dude…

Here’s Some ‘Plain English’ For You…

…stop acting like a crazy, attention-seeking old harridan:

The English professor asked for a toasted multi-grain bagel but became angry when a staff member asked her: ‘Do you want butter or cheese?’

Wow, she must have the shortest fuse in the world! She also hasn’t learned that it’s not wise to insult or harangue the people serving you food and drink…

Prof Rosenthal, that stuff on the top of your next coffee? Might not be froth, you know…

Prof Rosenthal, who also declines to use Starbucks terms such as ‘grande’ for a medium drink, said: ‘I just wanted a multi-grain bagel. I refused to say “without butter or cheese”. ‘

How do you expect the poor sod serving you to know, then? Do Starbucks have to hire telepaths?

‘When you go to Burger King, you don’t have to list the six things you don’t want. ‘

If I don’t want cheese, or pickles, I do have to tell them that, since that’s how the burger comes…

‘Linguistically, it’s stupid and I’m a stickler for correct English.’

No, you’re an attention-seeking old cow who likes to grandstand in restaurants while everyone slowly backs away, trying not to make eye contact with the crazy woman.

Not a good advert for your university, either, I’d have thought…

She said the cashier at the branch in New York would not serve her until she answered the question.

‘I yelled, “I want my multi-grain bagel” ,’ she added.

I’d have given it to you, love. At maximum velocity and with great accuracy. Pity I never went into retail, isn’t it?

Prof Rosenthal, who is in her 60s, told the New York Post she would not back down, so the store manager called police, who ordered her to leave. ‘It was very humiliating to be thrown out – all I did was ask for a bagel,’ she added.

No, that wasn’t ‘all you did’, was it? You abused some poor corporate drone who I expect makes a tenth of what the taxpayers pay to keep you in expensive coffee.

For someone apparently keen on semantic purity, you’ve got a real way of deflecting any responsibility for your own behaviour…

And because Prof Rosenthal’s blind spot isn’t exactly unknown among wackademics, here’s someone eager to capitalise on it:

Marie Clair, of the Plain English Campaign, said: ‘She sounds like a plain English champion.

‘We need more people with the confidence to fight back against language that doesn’t help them.’

What, against the frontline troops of the evil corporate machine, the poor bloody barista? Get a life, Marie!

One Starbucks employee said Prof Rosenthal was at fault for refusing to answer a ‘reasonable question’.

Indeed she was.

If she really wants to ‘stand up for the English language’, as she claimed, here’s the way to do it.

The Spirit Of Cynthia Payne Lives On!

There's just something quintessentially English about this story:

Police arrived with battering rams to raid the home but a plain clothes officer knocked on the door and the residents let him in thinking he had an appointment.

Can't have been the uniform that did it, though, he was plainclothes...

The sex 'dungeon' was found in a converted first floor room filled with hundreds of items including whips, gas masks, wooden bats, handcuffs, clothes pegs and shackles.

Police also discovered bondage chairs with straps, straight jackets, sex toys, gimp masks, S&M outfits, shackles, cattle prods and car batteries used to power the toys.

The dungeon was also stuffed with 'various electrical vibrating' items and a recording studio complete with computer equipment and mixing desk.

Which means it comes as no surprise that the police raid didn't faze the clientele one little bit:

During the raid, one customer arrived at the home and still asked for his appointment to go ahead despite the large police presence.

I expect they'd have charged him extra for it, if they could!

Detective Sergeant Stuart Gilroy of Devon and Cornwall police said officers made the 'startling' discovery last Friday afternoon.

He said: 'We were surprised to uncover this to say the very least. Upon searching the house we found a room set up as a dungeon.

'It's fair to say we were not expecting to find a masochistic dungeon in sleepy Lee Mill. You don't expect to find this sort of thing anywhere.'

Oh, what a sheltered life you must have led, Detective Sergeant..!

And naturally, the less amusing side of the English takes a bow towards the end of this story too:

A 38-year-old man from Lee Mill, a 21-year-old woman from Ivybridge, Devon, and a 24-year-old woman from Plymouth have been arrested in connection with the incident.

I wonder what for?

One neighbour said: 'It might sound funny but to be honest we are nervous about the place.

'There's been cars coming and going at night and all sorts of men arriving at weird hours.

'I've seen traffic jams caused by people trying to go there. It's disgusting. We just want them out and have a nice family move in.'

Yes, because 'nice families' don't do dreadful things with other consenting adults behind closed doors, do they?

I can, frankly, think of far worse neighbours to have!