But Will He Go South Of The River Late At Night...?

Poor cabbie Laurence Kirk has been denied a private hire driver licence in Bournemouth. Why, you ask..? Motoring offences?

Well, no. Because he can't use apostrophes properly!

If they bring this in for grocers too, there'll be a huge rise in the unemployment figures!

Joking aside, the refusal is totally ridiculous. What's brought it about?

Grandfather Laurence, 50, says he is a victim of a new "barmy" test that Bournemouth Borough Council in Dorset has introduced.

All applicants have to pass a BTEC qualification in taxi driving and the council has designed its own English test to check if they are suitable to take it.

Mr Kirk said the idea was potty because it did not test his driving skills and instead, questions included picking up grammatical errors in a text about a fictional football match between Harchester United and Barton Rovers.

Ah, yes. New government legislation 'designed to catch out foreign drivers who do not speak English' traps a native English speaker instead. Who have thought that would happen? Other than anyone who has ever dealt with a local council...

What did the council have to say for itself?

Steve Wright, principal licensing officer for the council, said the English test was a way to evaluate the level of support the drivers will need to take a BTEC in Transporting Passengers by Taxi and Private Hire.

He said: 'The test allows us to assess the candidate's abilities and understanding to enable us to offer the right support in order to fulfil the further requirements in gaining their licence.'

Was that English, Mr Wright? Sounds a lot like mealy-mouthed long-winded gabble to me. Perhaps someone should take away your license...