Translating 'Guardian' Headlines

"Music reflects modern society"

Senior study author Eva Zangerle, an expert on recommendation systems at Austria’s University of Innsbruck, declined to single out an individual newer artist for having simple lyrics. But she emphasised that lyrics can be a “mirror of society” which reflect how a culture’s values, emotions and preoccupations change over time.

See? The obvious conclusion.  

For the study in the journal Scientific Reports, the researchers looked at the emotions expressed in lyrics, how many different and complicated words were used, and how often they were repeated. “Across all genres, lyrics had a tendency to become more simple and more repetitive,” Zangerle summarised. The results also confirmed previous research which had shown a decrease in positive, joyful lyrics over time and a rise in those that express anger, disgust or sadness.

There's precious little to be joyful about, so of course, song lyrics will reflect that. Good grief, the ridiculous things people are studying - presumably, for real money - never ceases to amaze me. 

The number of repeated lines rose most in rap over the decades, Zangerle said – adding that it obviously had the most lines to begin with. “Rap music has become more angry than the other genres,” she added.

Gosh. I wonder why a thuggish music genre would have been top of this particular chart. 

Judge Beverley Lunt Gets Something Right At Last...

David Bunting, a Greater Manchester Police constable with more than 20 years' experience, attended the man's bungalow with paramedics because he was in 'a dire medical situation', a court was told.

His family had raised urgent concerns over his welfare and dialled 999.

And lo, a goodly servant of the state hove into view to save the day! 

The footage, recorded on a CCTV system the victim had set up to watch over his living room, shows Bunting wearing blue gloves standing beside the victim as he's assessed by two paramedics.

He waits until the paramedics help the man up from a chair and walk him outside to an ambulance. Bunting, who has now been jailed, is then shown to calmly reach down to a coffee table and swipe the bag, which contained £70 in coins.

Oh. 

He appeared at Preston Magistrates Court in March and pleaded guilty to one count of theft from a dwelling. Last month he was sentenced to three months in prison, but an appeal against the sentence was lodged immediately.

Wait, what? 

But after hearing the facts and mitigation at Preston Crown Court, Judge Beverley Lunt, sitting with two magistrates, dismissed the appeal and Bunting is now serving the three month sentence.

Good grief! If you can't convince the Bleeding Heart of Bleeding Hearts, who can you convince? 

The court heard Bunting, a police officer since 1998, was now facing the sack.

Wait, you mean, he hasn't already been given the sack? What was his defence, anyway? 

Nicholas Walker, appearing for Bunting, said the offence would 'appal the policing community, as well as the community at large'. He argued the sentencing magistrates had put 'too much weight on sending out a message' and not enough on Bunting's background and mental health.

If he suffers from 'mental health issues', what the hell is he doing walking a beat? What sort of mental health issues, anyway? 

The court heard the officer suffers from PTSD and a major depressive illness.

*stunned face* 

Ooh, Ooh, I Think I Know!

...is it because they are criminals?

Nottinghamshire Police said drugs are the main reason that gang members fall out and settle these disputes with firing a weapon.

Wow! I should be a detective!