It's Not Halloween Yet, Surely?

Strange goings on at St Margaret's Church graveyard:

Patrols are going to be stepped up around a graveyard where the mutilated body of a cat was found on Sunday morning.

So far, so gruesome. But this is a pretty good example of local newspapers at work.

First, there's the crime:

Edgware Safer Neighbourhood Team say they will be more vigilant around St Margaret's Church in Station Road, where the body of Coco, a long-haired black cat, was found on a grave.

His heart and other internal organs had been removed, although there was no blood at the site or on his fur.

Ooo-er! But reading on:

An RSPCA official called to investigate the incident when it was reported to police put it down as a road accident, although there were no obvious injuries to the treasured family pet.

Er, but hang on, Inspector Clouseau. How come the claim is made that the heart and internal organs have been removed, yet you can find no 'injuries'?

Predation by foxes on a roadkilled cat could easily account for the missing organs, but one assumes even one of the dimmer bulbs of the infamous RSPCA goon squad would notice that...

And then there's this sublime paragraph:

A bowl full of ham and water had also been left in the same churchyard, which the church administrator said was not supposed to be there.

Well, quite...

The Harrow Times has more:

Earlier this year the intact skeleton of a cat was discovered deep in the cemetery and the body of a ginger tom was found laid out, which church officials thought had been involved in a car crash.

They're driving now..!?

All Together Now...

...'It's 'elf and safety gorn mad':

...officials at a block of flats have banned children from playing in paddling pools because they present a ‘fire risk’.

The housing association said the pools might get in the way of fire engines arriving to tackle a blaze.

Pretty certain in the event of a fire engine needing to gain access in a real emergency, it'd win over a flimsy piece of plastic.

And even the fire brigade think this one's a non-starter.

However firefighters have branded the edict ridiculous and endorse the common sense view that the pools would come in handy if a fire ever did break out.

Residents aren't too chuffed either:

Emma Stacey, 30, whose six-year-old daughter and 11-year-old son have been playing in the pool during the hot weather, said: ‘This is an equality issue. If a child lives in a flat, the council are basically saying they do not have the same right to play, socialise and exercise as children living in houses.

‘The kids aren’t allowed to skate outside, are not allowed to play ball games, and now this. Parents have to take their children somewhere to play. It’s the health and safety brigade gone mad again.’

Sensible comment comes from the firefighters:

Graham Hart, a senior officer at nearby Hornchurch fire station, said fire engines were rarely driven onto grassy areas and that the pools would ‘come in handy’.

‘I know the estate very well and I can see absolutely no access issues whatsoever,’ he added.

But the drones beg to differ. He's just a fireman, for god's sake - what does he know about it?

Homes in Havering said: ‘We work closely with the London Fire Service to minimise the risk of serious incidents and ensure speedy access. For this reason we do not allow items, such as paddling pools, which could in certain circumstances obstruct access.’

'We work closely with them. But we don't listen to anything they might have to say.'

Here's A Saving We CAN Afford To Make...

A website called Safe which aims to keep youngsters safe is being launched by the Met police today (July 29).

...

...

You are, I hope, kidding me?

The site is aimed at 11 to 16 year olds and is full of information about crime and safety issues, ranging from bullying and drugs to gangs and knife crime.

It was designed with the help of youngsters from a wide range of backgrounds.

Oh, just great. Not only is it a website, it's a diverse and inclusive website.

Is there someone from the Met that can be wheeled forward to justify this vanity project with a collection of pointless buzzspeak phrases?

Why, yes, there is:

Met police spokesman Chief Superintendent Adrian Hanstock said: “Safe is a website designed in partnership with young people for young people.

“They are big users of the internet and consume a lot of information online so the Met needs a presence in that space."

And you don't already have one?

Here's A Saving We CAN'T Afford To Make...

Demonstrations. A perennial problem for the police. There's the huge costs, the risk of injury, and not just to the police.

So, you can understand why some of the police chiefs would like to ban them, if they could, and freedom of speech be damned. Luckily, in the UK we have oversight of the police by Police Authorities, who help to rein in the...

Oh. Oh, bugger:

Police should have the option of banning public demonstrations to help the force cut costs, a leading Croydon and Sutton police authority member has said.

Cabinet member Steve O’Connell questioned whether dissenters should continue having the “luxury” of public protest as the Metropolitan Police prepares to cut 25 per cent from its budget.

Let me help you with that one, Steve, since it seems you're hard of thinking.

The answer's 'Yes'. It isn't a luxury, either. It's a right.

Speaking to the Croydon Guardian after the meeting, Coun O’Connell said such proposals would only affect large scale protests such as the G20 and Tamil anti-war demonstrations.

He said:”I’m not pursuing a position where we ban demonstrations - it’s a British tradition.

“But we’re looking at a minimum of 25 per cent (police) budget cuts, and if we’re going to look at things like Safer Neighbourhoods and operational policing we need to look at everything.

“The large majority will go ahead, but there are demonstrations like the Tamils and G20 that are so large the police are chucking enormous amounts of resources at them.”

So, you'd ban 'large demos' only. But you're not about 'banning demonstrations'.

OK, well, that's clear...

Future Darwin Award Candidate?

The owner of a dog that savaged a toddler to death begged magistrates not to ban him from keeping the animals.

Because, hey, the womenfolk can always pop out a few more kids to replace the one his 'pet' savaged to death, right?

Urfan Ahmed said although what had happened to his niece, 18-month-old Zumer, had left him and his family devastated, his “life would be over” if they took his dogs away.

Ouch!

Now, I consider myself pretty callous, but that particular choice of words? Not cool, Urfan, not cool at all...

Luckily, for once, the magistrates showed a tad more common sense:

But his pleas fell on deaf ears and Ahmed, 32, of Cotton Walk, Crawley, was banned from keeping dogs for five years after he pleaded guilty to owning a dangerous dog at a hearing yesterday.

Five years? What, when his ban is up (assuming he obeys it) he's going to say 'No more Dogo Argentinos for me! I'm going to buy a nice chihuahua...'

And why was he not charged with manslaughter?

Prosecutors looked into charging Ahmed with gross negligence manslaughter but decided there was insufficient evidence to justify criminal proceedings.

Oh, really? I fail to see how they came up with that one. Was it a police dog, or something?

So, whaty did he get, for being the owner of one banned breed and one out-of-control killer?

Magistrates fined Ahmed £250 and ordered him to pay £150 costs and a £15 victim surcharge.

*sigh*

A Cautionary Tale

Remember reading about how everyone, everywhere, has probably broken one of NuLabour's many, many laws. Ever thought, that'll never happen to me..? That law's clearly aimed at hoodies/tax avoiders/litterbugs? I'll be OK?

Well, read on...

So, I'm cleaning out my late father's car in order to part-exchange it next week (now probate is finally completed), and I arrive at the glove compartment.

All the usual detritus is there; spare pair of glasses (to be recycled via Specsavers), parking receipts, old tax discs and Sainsbury till receipts (to be binned), sweets (ditto), assorted vehicular and mechanical things like a first aid kit, tyre pressure gauge, etc, and then I hit paydirt. Right at the bottom, a hard black handle.

Pulling it out, I find...

...the 5 inch Fusion kitchen knife that my mother reported missing in action, still in its little plastic jacket!

*gulp*

'Why, no, officer, I've no idea how that got there..'

Now, I think it must have been put in there about this time last year, when I helped her do a catering event for some friends who had their wedding anniversary. We couldn't get everything in my Jeep (we were catering for about 150), so my dad followed in his car with the rest of the things. He must have picked it up when we told him to bring over a spare knife in case we needed it, thrown it in the glove compartment, we never used it, and he forgot all about it.

A few weeks later, my mother noticed it was missing, but he probably couldn't remember ever picking it up, and we chalked it up as lost. It no doubt worked its way to the bottom of the glove compartment, so when maps were extracted, glasses thrown in and retrieved, etc, it wasn't immediately evident. I bought her a new one (a nice James Martin branded one) at Christmas, and we all forgot about it.

Until now.

Here's the kicker. For the last few months of his life, my father was innocently driving around in full contravention of NuLab's knife crime legislation, and since his death (as the only driver in the family, needing to keep his car running) so have I...

I wonder what would have happened if we'd ever been stopped and searched?

'More F%*^&*$ Tea, Vicar?'

Reverend Michael Land thinks that the Church needs to update its image. But the image of the 'trendy, right-on' vicar will still do nicely:

The softly spoken vicar says if Christianity is going to be taken seriously it needs to get ‘streetwise’ and start effing and blinding.

Err...

Offering up some encouragement he sermonised about a recent road rage incident where he told a motorist to ‘**** off ’ while wearing his dog collar.

I would have loved to see the look on his face, mind you...

The 67-year-old even claimed that Jesus regularly liked to swear and urged church-goers not to ‘place him on a pedestal’.

I'm not entirely sure what Bible the Reverend Land is reading. I'm pretty sure it's not the King James edition.

Mr Land mirrors the new BBC2 series Rev starring Tom Hollander, who regularly swears at his flock.

Ah! Now it's all clear. Obviously, there's no 11th commandment against shameless bandwagon-jumping...

New Health & Safety Scare

Shells. On a beach! Aiiieeeee!

Seven children have been injured by razor-sharp shells on Canvey seafront.

The coastguard is now advising beachgoers not to paddle in their bare feet, off Concord beach, near Eastern Esplanade.

Well, who could have predicted that!?

Rock oysters have increased rapidly in number along Canvey’s coastline in recent years and the shells are thought to cover rocks all the way from the Point to Thorney Bay.

Ban them! Ban rock oysters now! For the children!!

Mr Allwood added: “It’s about having an understanding of what’s below the surface of the water.

“Below the high water mark there are all sorts of horrors.”

Indeed. Who knows what will surface on Canvey Island next?

I Can't Keep Up!

A woman who falsely cried rape for a second time has been spared jail because a judge deemed it 'unfair' for her child to be born in prison.

*sigh*

Sunday Funnies

My money's on Mother Nature...