Happy New Year All!

And here's to 2018! May it be all we wish it to be...

Normal service will resume on Tuesday.

Absent Friends....

As we begin the countdown to slip out of 2017 and into a new year, and all that might bring, please raise a glass with me to those we have lost:

Captain Ranty (Blog now sadly gone dark)

Unenlightened Commentary

Anna Raccoon

Dracunculus, who lost his fight in the early months of this year.

Bystander, a sad loss to the world of profession-blogging.

Gone, but not forgotten.

Blogs going dark, for whom I fear the worst:

Peter Risdon, who hasn't posted since May or Tweeted since July. I know he was battling liver cancer. Peter, if you're out there, & just fed up with blogging, I wish you all the best.

"But Tarquin, I Don't Understand...."

"...it's a 4x4! It's supposed to allow us to ignore the laws of physics, surely?"

H/T: Shot_Fox via Twitter

Going Into 2018, The 'Mail' Won't Change...

...it'll still employ illiterates!

New Year Sunday Funnies...

I feel as if No 11 isn't really trying all that hard....

Tweet Of The Month

It's a festive tie!

Post Title Of The Month

DumbJon hits it out of the ballpark again...

Quote Of The Month

Tim Newman on the moth-to-candle-flame effect in women:

"Back when I lived in Dubai I spent an evening in my flat in the company of three women: an Australian, a Russian, and an Uzbek (who was staying with me at the time). We were sat around my bar drinking tequila when the Russian, who was in her mid-twenties, started telling us about the problems she was having with her boyfriend, a Lebanese chap. Two nights previously she had gone out for a drink with another Russian woman and started receiving text messages from her boyfriend. As the night wore on the messages got increasingly angry and accusatory – a pattern which many women (and men) will know well.

By the time she went home, rather distressed, her boyfriend was openly accusing her of going home with another man. She went to bed and heard a pounding on the door. Then she heard glass breaking. She went downstairs to find her boyfriend had put his fist through a window and was shaking with jealous rage. She let him in and he belted her one, but after much sobbing they both calmed down. She told us she didn’t know whether she should stay with him and try to work through his anger issues. At this point I asked how long they’d been together. Two weeks, she said. I reached for another tequila."

And Leg-Iron's culinary skills come to the fore:

"We have no turkey. We’re having duck cooked the Danish way with a stuffing made of a mixture of pork and beef mince. Yeah, stuff that thing with more meat. Potatoes fried in butter and sugar. Maybe a little salad for garnish. Maybe not, we’ll see.

This is probably the only Danish recipe that doesn’t have bacon in it. We’ll add some."

Post Of The Month

Headrambles encapsulates the utter futility of the modern generation's perpetual whinge in fine style.

Not The Sort Of Contract They Deserve…

Investigating officer PC Sam Creighton said: “Following the incident, the Basildon community policing team have identified 15 of the youths involved and are in the process of visiting them to address their behaviour.

“So far six of them have been placed on Acceptable Behaviour Contracts and their schools and landlords or housing associations have been notified.

“Where crimes are identified, those responsible will be dealt with proportionately and where necessary they may be subject to arrest and/or interview under caution.

“Essex Police has various powers to address antisocial behaviour and crime involving youths.

“This can include enforced engagement with the Youth Offending Service, Parenting Orders, a civil injunction or a Criminal Behaviour Order (CBO), which lasts up to two years and any breach is an arrestable offence.

“We were overwhelmed with the response to our CCTV appeal and thank all those who contacted us.”

Someone should have taken out a contract on the scummy little chavs. Leaving anything up to the Essex Police farce and the inadequate justice system seems like utter futility.

Wait, Isn’t That Your Job?

Police bosses have urged residents to collect evidence on antisocial youths - and not to take the law into their own hands as anger mounts against trouble-making yobs.

Hang on, what the hell are we paying a precept for the police to do, then?

Chief Insp Glen Westley advised residents to follow and film offenders if they witnessed crimes being committed and urged residents to share information with police if they knew who the offenders were.

Oh, sure! That'll go down well, and won't antagonise the feral little scumbag at all, will it?

Speaking after, Mr Hirst said the meeting was “useful” and was encouraged by the engagement.

He added: “We need to make sure we get a plan together outlining how we are going to deal with that. Clearly, Glen is on top of that and his officers are tackling it robustly.”

You, sir, must be a grade A moron.

When Law And Order Breaks Down...

Mark Archer, who had charity tins stolen from his Bar Next Door venue in Worthing this month, said he was appalled by the policy. 

He said that on a combined “shopwatch” and “pubwtach” smartphone app used by the town’s traders the same faces appear time and again, flagged up for theft, petty vandalism or anti-social behaviour. He said: “Because they know the system is broken, they’re doing more crime. They know if they keep under a certain threshold they’re not going to get prosecuted.”

“Everyone pays their taxes, we pay to have law and order and it’s just not happening.”

Maybe start withholding your police precept? Of course, since you have something to lose - and a fixed address - you can't get away with anything.

What's a fixed address got to do with it? Glad you asked!:

A spokesperson for Sussex Police said yesterday: “Our approach to dealing with shoplifting is by assessment of the threat, harm and risk levels and not tied to a specific figure.

“Sussex Police has been issuing summonses for a variety of offences, including shoplifting, by post for many years.

“Each case is considered on its own set of circumstances, not least that the accused has a known fixed address that the summons can be posted to.

“As the practice of postal summonses has been going on for some considerable time, it is not possible to establish a measuring point against rises or falls.”

He said he was unaware of targeted gang shoplifting happening in Sussex at this time.

What is he aware of, one might ask? Nor is this just a Brighton problem:

The manager at the store, who has asked neither he or the business be identified, recovered images of two suspects they believed had stolen £100 of toys on December 15.

The evidence was passed to police but the manager was astonished to receive a letter back from police saying the matter wouldn’t be investigated.

The letter from Essex Police said: “Essex Police has recently undertaken a review of its processes and practises. On review of any crime we have to consider the best way in which it is to be dealt with under our current investigation strategy.

“Every crime reported is taken seriously and proportionate review of this offence has been conducted.

“The financial loss to you is minimal.”

After considering whether it would be “cost effective” to investigate the incident, the letter adds: “I regret in this instance it is not viable to continue with the matter.”

The manager said: “The letter from Essex Police is an insult to decent law-abiding people and gives thieves a free pass.

“We caught two young male shoplifters who ran off, we captured this on our CCTV and promptly called the police who quite frankly did not seem to be interested and then sent us the letter.”

It's hardly surprising that they are warning people 'not to take the law into their own hands'. Yet what other choice will people have?

I expect the usual whining about 'Tory cuts', but it's not hard to see this as a deliberate and calculated act by the police to target their real enemy - the Tory government. The law abiding public are simply pawns in this game.

LGONA*

A Gloucestershire village was "on lockdown" today following a police incident.

Every single business was closed in Parkend after an incident involving a large group of people on Christmas Day.

How puzzling!

In a post on Facebook the landlord of the Fountain Inn said: "Absolutely gutted to announce that, on police advice, we've had to cancel our live music tomorrow (Boxing Day) and will be closed completely in the evening. It's not a decision we've taken lightly, as we know so many of you were really looking forward to it. Several establishments have had trouble with a large group staying locally and police attended seven times last night. Thankfully we didn't have any problems here, but we'd like it to stay that way.

"Merry Christmas one and all, and apologies once again for letting you all down."

What did the police have to say about a small village's businesses feeling so unsafe they felt they had to close over Christmas?

Police confirmed they had attended an incident in the village but were unable to give more information at this stage. It is believed it involved a large group who were staying in the village.

Hmmm, a picture is starting to form....

Shops and pubs in a second Gloucestershire town closed their doors yesterday evening after reports of disorder involving a large group of people. In Lydney, Bargain Booze and several pubs including The Swan Hotel, the British Legion and the Greyhound closed their doors mid afternoon.

It sounds like this 'large group' have, how shall I put it, travelled....

Local councillor Alan Preest who sits on the town, district and county council for Lydney said he had never seen a situation like this before.

Get used to seeing it more and more, until the police are instructed to put law-abiding, taxpaying citizens above their favoured identity groups, Alan.

He said: "Where were the police and why wasn't this contained. We need an inquiry to find out what happened here."

Sadly, we don't. We all know what happened here, even if the police seem reluctant to give this a name.

You might think that this - a small UK village paralysed by fear - would be a concern of a supposedly Tory government. But according to the news this morning, you'd be wrong. Apparently the threat that the finest minds have been put to quell is.... rogue landlords.

Mind how you go, now.

*Large Group Of No Appearance

Closure....

An investigation into the circumstances surrounding the deaths of two teenagers after a police pursuit has found there was no misconduct in the way Essex Police officers acted.

It's taken a calendar year, to tell you what anyone else could have told you about 24 hours after the event.

However, the watchdog has upheld a complaint about the information that was shared by the force.

In the wake of the tragedy, a press release shared by Essex Police incorrectly stated the teens in the car were in possession of class A drugs which led to a number of misleading comments from the public on social media.

The IPCC spokesman added: "A complaint from the families of Reigan and Liam was also investigated, relating to information which was issued by Essex Police to media shortly after the collision.

"A press release incorrectly stated that the passengers of the Ford were in possession of Class A drugs, which was corrected once the error was realised.

"The complaint was upheld, however the investigation was not able to identify how the incorrect information ended up being included the press release."

*shrugs*

"Let's Kick This Can Down The Road, What's The Worst That Could Happen?"

"After all, it's not like we live near there..."

The officers recommendation, not intended to be viewed by the public, said: “In respect of the four caravans and the plots to the south, members should consider authorising direct action at this stage for the breach of the injunction and failure to comply with the requirements of the enforcement notices.

“This would authorise the council to enter the land and take the steps required by the enforcement notices to be taken, and recover from the owner of the land (if identified) any expenses reasonably incurred by the council in doing so.”

Later adding: “On present evidence, the risks of further enforcement action at this stage with respect to the four caravans and the plots to the south do not outweigh the merits of direct action.”

Couldn't be clearer, could it? Well, you'd think so.

But at Tuesday’s meeting, a motion was tabled by a member of the planning committee to continue investigating the site, rather than to approve direct action.

Well, voters, you know what to do...

Councillor Chris Jackman, of the Wickford Park ward, said: “I believe we need to take a strong stance on the site, particular on the fact the site is greenbelt land.

“But at the same time, Basildon Council must make sure legal proceedings are watertight.

“These are savvy traveller developers we are talking about, and it would not be fair to class them as gypsy travellers.”

So, this clown thinks they are smarter than the council, does he? Hmmmm. He might have a point there.

Perhaps It's Contagious..?

Aaron Barker, 26, was last week jailed for five months for inflicting terrible injuries on rescue cats Panther and his black and white buddy Baby.

Not a first offence. Just the first time this sick bastard had been caught.

The Sun can reveal evil Barker, from Nottingham, has a sickening history of animal torture. He allegedly has form for killing a gerbil, hamsters - and a cat called Milo he was looking after for a family friend who had died of cancer.

What sort of creature does this? And what sort of addle-brained bimbo stands by him?

Panther and Baby were registered to Barker's psychiatric nurse girlfriend Verity Castle, 24, who is incredibly standing by him - tearing apart her animal loving family.

She's a psychiatric nurse?!

And yet...that's not the worst this about this story. Because incredibly enough, so is he:

A judge also banned the mental health care worker from keeping pets for life.

That should be 'ex-mental health worker'. And as well as being banned for life from keeping animals., he should be on a watch list. And so should the thick cow shacked up with him.

Is This A Parody? It Must Be A Parody, Surely...

Because if it's not, then 2017 is the day the 'Indy' finally jumped the shark....

I’ll probably be called a snowflake for writing this, but all this “dreaming of a white Christmas” leaves me feeling very low every December. As a queer Iraqi immigrant in Britain, Christmas is the time I most hotly feel my displacement.

 Hmmm, wait, I've got something for that here....

That's the ticket!

The Christmas season is polluted with national notions of “home”. Every November and December, my social media channels are assaulted by Christmas promotions, such as a video with Owen Wilson for sofa company Sofolofy which boasted the caption: “It doesn’t matter who you are or where you are, coming home is the best feeling ever. #whenhomereallymatters.”A cisgender white man reclining on an expensive sofa to tell me that going “home” is an irrefutable joy? Hardly a comfort.

 Yeah, we all get fed up with sales adverts, sand holiday adverts too, at this time of year. So what>

Ostensibly – as many intersectional queer identities will tell you – I have no fixed notion of what home is. Due to my sexuality and drag career, it would be unsafe to spend Christmas there.

Boo hoo! So why aren't you happy about being safe?

Yet London feels an equally inhospitable place during the holidays.

Wait, what? As inhospitable as the places that'd cut your head off or hang you from a crane? Are you sure you know what that word actually means?

Aside from the fact that Oxford Street looks like a Christmas Cracker on psychedelics during the festive season, our city becomes saturated with images of nuclear families, with brands coyly reminding us to shower our relatives with love (where love equals moderately-priced fragrances). For the queer people who have endured traumatic rejections from their families and communities, the Christmas barrage only aggravates our feeling unwanted.

So what do you want the world to do, stop celebrating so you can feel better about yourself?

These experiences at Christmas are only symptomatic of broader social issues in the UK. The past two years in politics have seen an acute scapegoating of immigrants for Britain’s problems, and being a nomadic identity is feeling increasingly unsafe here.

Well, nothing keeping you here, is there? If you can't go home, and you can't stay here, might I suggest you find an atlas & start looking for another country to whinge and sulk in?

If Christmas really is about love and generosity, try to spend the holidays thinking about how you might better respect and incorporate migrant and queer identities feeling displaced around the country. Perhaps then we might have a happier New Year.

Yeah, I thought briefly about doing this and then I decided to spend Christmas as I always do - enjoying good food and good company, relaxing with family and friends, and ignoring the bitter complaints of people who are unhappy with their lot and this that that's something everyone else should fix for them.

Newsflash, chum - the power to change is in your own hands, no-one else's.

"This isn't just ANY armed robbery..."

A spokeswoman said two black males, aged in their 30s, raided the shop, on Lordship Lane, with their faces covered.

One of the men was carrying a handgun, police said.

The suspects are reported to have fled carrying bags of cash.

Oh. Maybe it is, after all.

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Normal service will resume on Boxing Day!

And What's Better At Christmas Than A Board Game With The Family?

Enjoy!

H/T: Stephen Canning via Twitter

Time For A Christmas Singalong!

Come on, join in! You know the words...

Vagina dentata!
What a wonderful phrase
Vagina dentata!
Ain't no passing craze
It means no jollies
For the rest of your days
It's our problem-free medical degree

Vagina dentata!

Theresa Bartram, 51, from Peacehaven, had the plastic mesh – called a transvaginal tape (TVT) – fitted to lift her prolapsed bladder and stop her leaking, after suffering stress incontinence following the birth of her child.

But the mother-of-one said the mesh left her in unbearable pain and ruined her sex life when it sliced her partner’s penis.

*winces*

She said: “It sliced a flap of skin off my partner’s private parts; it was like a cheese grater on him.”

Nurse!

Christmas Sunday Funnies...

Well, as jobs go, I'm sure there are worse ones!

On The Twelfth Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

...yet more winning!

Judge George B. Daniels of United States District Court in Manhattan found that the plaintiffs had failed to show that they had suffered as a result of specific actions by Mr. Trump intended to drum up business for his enterprises.

Even before Mr. Trump took office, the judge said, “he had amassed wealth and fame and was competing against” the plaintiffs.

“It is only natural that interest in his properties has generally increased since he became president,” the judge said.

Moreover, Judge Daniels said, customers might be patronizing Mr. Trump’s hotels and his hotels’ restaurants because of price or quality — reasons totally unrelated to his presidency.

Beyond that, the judge found, the emoluments clauses of the Constitution are intended to protect the country against presidential corruption from foreign influences or financial incentives that might be offered by either states or the federal government. They were not meant to protect businesses from competition from presidentially owned enterprises, he ruled.

...and sudden realisation he might be onto something, winning!, utter desperation, rolling back Obama's mistakes, progressive gift-buying, hysterical overreaction and hyperbole, no more pandering to Muslim grievance, telling it like it is, primal screaming, MSM hopelessness and despair and the best TV advert parody EVER!

Ah, The Christmas School Play, What A Wonderful Festive Event...

Oh, hang on! This just in from our Welsh correspondent!

Police attended a Cardiff primary school as a crowd of 30 parents turned up to complain at how their children had been disciplined.

The head teacher of Windsor Clive Primary school cancelled the second showing of the Ely school’s Christmas concert because of the anger. Parents said they were angry that their children had been told off for their behaviour after the first showing of the concert on Monday.

They said the children were told they would be given bread and water for their Christmas party if they did not behave at the second concert yesterday.

 Well, that'll sort out the 'obesity crisis' too! Well done, that head teacher!

Dad Lee Robinson, who has two children at the school, said his six-year-old son was upset.

“After the first concert in the local church hall, the head teacher told them they had done brilliantly in front of the parents,” he claimed.

“But my son said afterwards they were told that they were absolutely rubbish and if they didn’t behave better they would be given bread and water at the Christmas party.”

Another mum said the children had said they were told they had let the school down.

“My nine-year-old went to bed crying, she was so upset,” she said.

 Well, what would Christmas be without a few snowflakes?

A spokesman for Cardiff council said: “Some parents have alleged that, following the Christmas concert on Monday, pupils were spoken to in an inappropriate manner. The school refutes this.

“If any parent has a complaint, we would expect them to use the appropriate channels to raise their concerns through the school’s complaints procedure.”

Far too tame! THIS....IS.....ELY!

"He's making a list and checking it twice, gonna find out who's naughty and nice..."

...which, in Essex, is a lot easier than most places:

Father Christmas has branded Canvey High Street a ‘no go area’ after thugs pelted him with rocks as he was riding his sleigh.

Former councillor Colin Letchford, 70, led the annual lantern parade dressed as Santa driving a sleigh on behalf of the Friends of Concord Beach on Saturday.

What a lovely place...

The senseless act will now mean Canvey people will lose out as the sleigh will not return to the town centre as it has done in previous years.

Mr Letchford said: “This is just the latest in a long list of problems with the youngsters on the island.

“It is concerning, they are completely out of control.

“We have now said we will not be going back to the High Street with the sleigh, it is a no go area now.

“We do not feel safe there because of these menaces.

“Saturday night our sleigh led the lantern parade, and it was a fantastic event.

“We had a great evening, with thousands of people walking around the town to the Paddocks.

“But as we left the Paddocks and came around the corner about 15 kids starting throwing stones at us, and one of them hit me on the shoulder.

“It is such a shame because this is a community event.

“It has reached the stage that people are talking about vigilante groups so police must do something now.”

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

An Essex Police spokesman said: “We were called to a report of an assault shortly before 6.45pm on Saturday, December 2.

“A man has been hit by a stone thrown in Furtherwick Road, by a group of around 12 to 15 boys, aged between 12 and 16 years old.

“The victim was taking part in the Santa sleigh ride through Canvey and was uninjured.

“Officers attended the scene and searched the area for suspects.”

Did you try Thorney Bay Caravan Park? No? I wonder why not...

On The Eleventh Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

...sudden realisation he might be onto something:

Sen. Bob Corker, among President Donald Trump’s most frequent Republican critics, said Thursday that he has developed a new empathy for the president’s “fake news” crusade against the media after reports swirled about a “Corker kickback” that some allege prompted the senator to change his vote on the White House-backed tax reform bill.

“I told him that I’d had a healthy respect for the media. I deal with them all the time and, you know, to attack the media has not been something I've done. But I had a newfound empathy for him in watching how a totally debunked story” spread across the political media, Corker (R-Tenn.) told Fox News’s “Fox & Friends” as he recalled a recent conversation with the president.

...and winning!, utter desperation, rolling back Obama's mistakes, progressive gift-buying, hysterical overreaction and hyperbole, no more pandering to Muslim grievance, telling it like it is, primal screaming, MSM hopelessness and despair and the best TV advert parody EVER!

Auric Goldfinger Sums Up Modern Policing

"The third time it's enemy action."

A Tory MP's aide cleared of rape today said he could have been wrongly convicted if not for crucial evidence finally disclosed just days before his trial.

His defence team is understood to have waited up to nine months for phone and medical records which his accuser initially refused to hand over to police.

When the 'victim' refuses to co-operate with the police, doesn't that ring alarm bells?

Apparently not!

The CPS denied that its disclosure was late, insisting that the evidence was handed over to the defence a day after the detective overseeing the case first examined it, throwing the spotlight on the police.

This evening a Met Police spokesman said the force was 'content with the investigation and our disclosure work'.

This is no longer something than can be excused my examining the calibre of modern police officers, and concluding they are just a little bit dim. Nor is it, as Longrider points out, down to 'Tory cuts'.

This is deliberate. It starts from the top. It's ideological.

Cheaper Than The Stuff That Comes Out Of The Tap For Free?

Teachers are demanding schools ban energy drinks after research found children were buying the drinks because they were cheaper than water.

Ummm, how's that work, then?

Darren Northcott, NASUWT national official for education, told the BBC that consuming excessive quantities of energy drinks can cause poor behaviour in children.

Or, more accurately, 'enhance the already poor behaviour the little shits are prone to'....

The BSA, which represents manufacturers, said the drinks were safe for young people. "Energy drinks and their ingredients have been deemed safe by regulatory authorities around the world," the BSA statement read.

But the teaching unions know best.

On The Tenth Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

....winning!

House Speaker Paul Ryan tweeted: 'Great news. The Senate just passed the Tax Cuts and Jobs Act. After years of work, we are going to enact the most sweeping, pro-growth overhaul of our tax code in a generation.'

A wave of protesters provided one of the biggest bursts of emotion. A group of people yelled out ‘Kill the bill, don't kill us!’ as the final vote was being taken.

‘The Sergeant at Arms will restore order in the gallery,’ said Vice President Mike Pence, who was presiding over the chamber. Pence’s appearance was a flourish that put him in the spotlight – though party leaders knew in advance his potential tie-breaking vote was not needed.

One protester yelled at GOP Sen. Jeff Flake of Arizona, 'Have you no shame?'

...and utter desperation, rolling back Obama's mistakes, progressive gift-buying, hysterical overreaction and hyperbole,  no more pandering to Muslim grievance, telling it like it is, primal screaming, MSM hopelessness and despair and the best TV advert parody EVER!

She Looks Like She's Battled A Great White...

Shocking pictures show the injuries the woman suffered - some of which The Bolton News has decided are too graphic to publish. 

...except for the fact that this happened not in the surf off the Cape, but on a suburban street in England.

The woman was near the junction with Holcombe Crescent when a man came around the corner with a Presa Carnario, also known as a Canary Mastiff, dog on a lead.

If that breed name rings a bell, well, it should.

The woman's daughter said the other dog 'lurched' towards the Cockapoo and her mother then pulled her dog behind her to get it out of the way. The Mastiff is described as 'going for' the elderly woman's leg before pinning her on the ground.

Her daughter said: "She is five foot tall and maybe nine stone. It was not letting her go. It was shaking its head while she was on the floor. It has clamped its teeth down."

The idiot in 'control' had no more idea of how to stop the attack than the authorities have in dealing with the tiny-cocked morons who buy these weapon breeds:

The man who was walking the dog tried to pull it clear and hit it on the head with the lead. A man in a van saw what was happening and pulled over to try to help. Eventually, the man managed to get the dog off the elderly woman and the man who had been driving the van put the woman's dog into his vehicle. The police and ambulance service were called.

Arriving when it's all over, as usual. Pity none of the neighbours owned a gun.

The man with the Mastiff waited at the scene and said it was not his dog but he was walking it for a friend.

FFS!

And he and his moron 'friend' have been arrested under the new, more-teeth Dangerous Dogs Act, yes?

A Greater Manchester Police spokesman confirmed officers were called to a report of a dog attack shortly before 4pm on Tuesday. The dog was seized and no arrests have been made.

I despair...

That Heartwarming Moment When....

...you get thoroughly caught out grandstanding, because David Gauke has had quite enough of your shit, thank you very much!

The whole thread is glorious, as furious SJWs pile on to scream that he's 'politicising' this. As if Field wasn't doing the exact same thing!

On The Ninth Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

...utter desperation:

You can smell it wafting from the page...

...and rolling back Obama's mistakes, progressive gift-buying, hysterical overreaction and hyperbole, no more pandering to Muslim grievance, telling it like it is, primal screaming, MSM hopelessness and despair and the best TV advert parody EVER!

At Last, The 'Guardian' Article I Can Completely Agree With!

It must be Christmas, or something...

Susan Cooper’s 1973 novel The Dark is Rising is clearly influenced by Masefield. She too draws on Arthurian legend and English folklore (the character of Herne the Hunter appears in both), as it intrudes into the cosy domestic rituals of the young hero, Will Stanton, who goes to bed on midwinter eve, the night before his 11th birthday, and wakes to find himself a central figure in an ancient battle between light and dark.

When the nature writer Robert Macfarlane, for whom it was a formative childhood book, tweeted about it recently he was amazed to receive thousands of responses from all over the world from impassioned readers who return to it every Christmas. The result is a Twitter reading group (#TheDarkisReading) set to begin, like the novel, on 20 December; over 1,300 people have said they want to take part.

The Dark is Rising is a disturbing book, in a way that children’s stories rarely are now. At the beginning, Cooper describes Will’s fear of the dark in a way that makes the hairs stand up on your arms; she draws out echoes of the old powers of the English landscape – now hostile, now beguiling – in a way that recalls the Gawain poet.

“It feels ever more relevant in a time when the dark really does seem to be rising,” Macfarlane says. For anyone weary of the cheap sentiment and tinselly glitz of so many Christmas offerings, and wanting a taste of deep midwinter mystery, these novels are the best place to start, and these new ways of sharing them are part of the magic.

Ah, 'Guardian'! You had to revert to type at the end, didn't you?

Never mind. Try it. You won't be disappointed! I wasn't.

'Getting Your Life Back Together' - Yr Doin' It Wrong...

He was unemployed and known to Pavilions, a substance misuse service, since November last year. He was trying to overcome his issues with ketamine.

In court, his father Mark, 59, said: “He was trying so hard to get his life back together.”

By taking ketamine, Diazepam, cocaine, alcohol and then going for a midnight swim?

Coroner Veronica Hamilton-Deeley said the cause of Mr Rusling’s death was drowning in seawater. The presence of ketamine and Diazepam was a contributing factor.The cocaine and alcohol did not play a part.

They didn't help, did they?!

She concluded Mr Rusling’s death was an accident.

Isn't 'an accident' something that couldn't be foreseen?

On The Eighth Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

...rolling back Obama's mistakes:

Donald Trump is to remove climate change from the global threats listed in his National Security Strategy, due to be released on Monday.

The new position is a reversal of the Obama administration’s decision to place climate change in the strategy, a decision which Mr Trump mocked on the campaign trail.

...and progressive gift-buying, hysterical overreaction and hyperbole, no more pandering to Muslim grievance, telling it like it is, primal screaming, MSM hopelessness and despair and the best TV advert parody EVER!

What A Farce The Police Have Become...

A teenage boy’s mother was threatened with arrest when she refused to let him accept a caution for forwarding a naked selfie a girl had sent to him.

For obstruction. Picture that. If it doesn't make your blood boil, you aren't human.

Investigators later revealed he was suspected of distributing ‘indecent images of children’ after the girl sent him the unsolicited photo.

Why wasn't she visited by the cops? Yeah, don't bother. It was a rhetorical question.

Police wanted him to accept a youth caution but his mother refused, fearing it could harm his career when disclosed in any future vetting procedure.

Which it absolutely could. And which is why you never, ever accept one, if you're smart.

‘They wouldn’t tell me anything … it was very much guilty until proven innocent,’ the mother told the BBC.

‘I think in my head I thought someone is going to come and say, “I’m really sorry this has been blown totally out of proportion. We realise it is kids being kids.”’

Sorry, love, identity politics and results-based policing - not to mention the Alison Saunders effect - mean that all your son was to these cops was an easy win.

And like most scavengers, if the prey puts up too much of a fight, they slink away...

Seven months later the original officer in the case delivered a letter saying there would be no further action.

A letter. What a craven, cowardly act. Probably sent it to the wrong address, too...

Leicestershire Police said the family have not complained about their treatment.

They are all over LBC now doing just that, you moron!

A spokesman said the force took ‘appropriate, proportionate and necessary action’.

Here, I think you need this:

Look up those words. You clearly have no idea what they mean.

That New Dangerous Dogs Act Proves Toothless...

...unlike the vicious mutts it was intended to sort out:

A dog attacked a 12-year-old boy, leaving his ear "hanging off", a court has heard. The pet, named Storm, mauled the child at Stephen Plunkett's home in Westbury Place, Halifax, on 3 August.

They are never called 'Spot' or 'Fido', are they?

Bradford Crown Court heard how the animal, which was usually muzzled, pushed the boy over and stood over him before biting him on the ear twice.

I wonder why it was 'usually muzzled'? That's often a condition of a previous court ruling.

Plunkett, 47, admitted having a dog which caused injury while dangerously out of control.

He was handed a 12-month prison sentence, suspended for two years, and ordered to carry out 180 hours of unpaid community work. Judge Jonathan Rose said the dog, described in court as an American bulldog, would need to be destroyed.

There's a surprise!

Plunkett's barrister, Laura McBride, said he had made "a lapse of judgement" and was full of remorse.

Yes. Because he's got caught.

On The Seventh Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

...progressive gift-buying:

It may seem like there isn’t much to celebrate, but we’ve put together the ultimate gift guide for the Trump-hater in your life nonetheless. These gifts are guaranteed to help bolster their resistance for at least another 12 months.

...and hysterical overreaction and hyperbole, no more pandering to Muslim grievance, telling it like it is, primal screaming, MSM hopelessness and despair and the best TV advert parody EVER!

Dundee City Council Is A Little Unstable Themselves...

A council has banned cycling with stabilisers and pedals from its nurseries in a drive to defeat child obesity.

*checks calendar* No, it's not April 1st. Feels like it, though.

Dundee City Council health chiefs believe removing stabilisers used by children to learn how to ride a bike will force youngsters to 'use their core' for balance.

They even suggest removing the pedals from the bikes in a move to help children maintain a healthy weight.

 /facepalm

Audrey White, from the children and family service at the council, said the new scheme was part of efforts to increase child activity.

 Is Audrey a Spartan? Is she going to suggest those toddlers who just can't hack it be left on a hillside for the wolves?

On Thursday, she said: 'This is a new initiative that is working right across every single nursery in our city.

'The policy is we don't allow stabilisers.

'Children learn to use a bike without any stabilisers, without any pedals and when they feel confident, they can move on to standard bikes.'

She said using the core muscles was 'a key fundamental movement', which stabilisers do not allow.

 She's bonkers. Seriously, this is the most pressing concern for the Children & Family Services?

Ms White added that at the heart of their approach there was an attempt to build parent confidence in taking their children on free outdoor activities which would mean youngsters spend less time in front of screens.

And a lot more in A&E...

How Hard Can It Be...?

Heidi White’s sharpei dog Elsa nearly had her windpipe ripped out by the large white pit bull which was running loose in Gibbons Recreation Ground, in Wembley, in front of a playing field of schoolchildren last Friday.

Her four-year-old pet managed to escape, but was then chased by the larger dog to her home in Bridge Road, which backs onto the park.

Usual vicious, uncontrollable animal. And his dog.

“I was screaming at his owner but he just waved a stick at me.” She said Elsa managed to wriggle free from under the dog.

She added: “I thought that was it but then the man let his dog off the lead and the pit bull chased her all the way to our house.”

Naturally, the police have been about as useless as we've come to expect, despite the chap being in the vicinity.

Since the attack Ms White said the pit bull owner has knocked on the door when only her 11-year-old son was home, who she told to call the police.

She said: “I don’t know what he wants. He did nothing during the attacks except wave a stick at me and members of the public trying to help me.”

Are they even concerned that there's been an attempt to intimidate the victim?

A police spokesman said: “Officers attended and were informed by the complainant that a dog had attacked her dog whilst walking in the park. The owner of the second dog had left the scene prior to arrival. Enquiries continue to trace the man.”

Gosh, I do hope they don't find themselves in the same situation their Stratford colleagues did, when they ignored reports of a vicious dog....

On The Sixth Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

...hysterical overreaction and hyperbole:

...and no more pandering to Muslim grievance, telling it like it is, primal screaming, MSM hopelessness and despair and the best TV advert parody EVER!

Not Apple's Finest Hour...

...a bug that kills their newest, most expensive phone (that launched just as the cold weather started)!

I Think Someone Misunderstood...

...and assumed it was the sort of culture you'd find in a Petri dish. It's damn certain that's the only sort you'd find in the 'Nam!

Sunday Funnies...

Wait, shouldn't one of these be Amazon's Alexa...?

On The Fifth Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

...no more pandering to Muslim grievance:

If President Trump is thinking about fulfilling his campaign promise to move the U.S. Embassy in Israel to Jerusalem, it is reasonable for him to apply the same test to this idea as he outlined in his inaugural address: How does it affect U.S. interests? Or, in the vernacular, what does the United States get out of it? The answer is threefold.

...

...both Arabs and Israelis believe the Obama administration elevated outreach to America’s adversaries — especially Iran — over fidelity to America’s allies. For Trump, turning a page in the Middle East requires a commitment to restore trust and intimacy between Washington and its regional partners, a strategy he might call “America’s allies first.” Within this context, a decision to fulfill his promise to move the U.S. Embassy to Jerusalem would send a message that America’s word is truly its bond.

...and telling it like it is, primal screaming, MSM hopelessness and despair and the best TV advert parody EVER!

Make Up Your Minds, Ladies!

At gal-dem we are inundated with irrelevant requests for comment, advice and guidance from white people; and it’s tiring, these tokenistic faux attempts at diversity. Even as I was writing this piece I received yet another email from a journalist looking for a comment on a topic I do not care about. I have been asked only because I am a “black” voice, not because I have any expertise on the subject.

Charlie Brinkhurst-Cuff there, bewailing the terrible situation whereby the media come to a black feminist magazine for quotes. The same media she's always slamming for 'ignoring people of colour'.

Ever get the feeling you just can't win? Especially with someone who can take offence at a restaurant menu...

Which One...?

A Scotland Yard spokesman said: “We are aware of this case being dismissed from court and are carrying out an urgent assessment to establish the circumstances which led to this action being taken.

“We are working closely with the Crown Prosecution Service and keeping in close contact with the victim whilst this process takes place.”

Why do I think you aren't referring to the guy you nearly shafted?

Chief prosecutor Alison Saunders has made a high profile push to bring more sex attack cases to court and asked her lawyers to trawl through a man's relationship history to boost conviction.

Time she went.

On The Fourth Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

...telling it like it is!

 ...and primal screaming, MSM hopelessness and despair and the best TV advert parody EVER!

Looking After Their Own....

A Pakistani doctor who molested a student nurse on a hospital ward is to keep his job after blaming the incident on 'cultural norms' in the UK.

 What, he'd seen 'Carry On Nurse' too many times..?

In June 2016 the father-of-two was ordered to sign the Sex Offender Register for five years after he was convicted of sexual assault by a jury.

He was also sentenced to a 12-month community order and subsequently lost appeals against his conviction.

That's 'appeals', PLURAL!

....the tribunal said erasing Qureshi's name from the Medical Register would be disproportionate, punitive and not in the public interest.

I'm the public. It's definitely in my interest.

H/T: Pcar in comments

Should've Stuck To Turning It Off And On Again....

...or picked better friends:

Aron Duplock was working on the device with his stepbrother when the electric shock knocked him back and killed him.

The 25-year-old father-of-two, who is from Brighton, was at stepbrother Paul Brown’s flat in Downland Drive, Hangleton, when the accident happened, his inquest heard yesterday.

Fixing computers was a hobby the two shared, Brighton Coroner’s Court was told.

Aren't you supposed to be good at a hobby?

They believed there was a problem with the fan in the computer and had to remove what is called the heat sink, which helps to cool parts of the machine when it gets hot.

A simple procedure. Unless it goes wrong.

However, the power was turned on while Mr Duplock was working on the computer and a shock of around 400 volts went through his body and killed him.

Yup, that went wrong! Still, he had friends who could call the emer...

Oh.

Giving evidence at the inquest Mr Brown and Miss Cutler said they thought Mr Duplock was “mucking around” and pretending he had been electrocuted.

As the current went through his body, he called out to Mr Brown “I can’t let go [of the computer].” The inquest heard that strengthening of ones grip is common when being electrocuted. It was at that point they realised the power was turned on, Miss Cutler said in court.

However, Miss Cutler and Mr Brown then decided to go out for a cigarette.

As you do.

She confessed at the inquest that she had panicked when she saw what was happening.

She said that was why she went outside for a cigarette before calling for an ambulance.

Of course. Makes perfect sense.

On The Third Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

...primal screaming:



...and MSM hopelessness and despair and the best TV advert parody EVER!

"Please Mister Postman, look and see, is there a letter, a letter for me...?"

A 44-year-old woman is wanted by police after allegedly stealing a lot of alcohol from Morrisons in Swindon and pulling out a weapon which she threatened to use on a member of staff.

Almost certainly a known alcoholic & persistent shoplifter, the brave boys in blue will have her in clink in no time. Right?

Wiltshire Police wrote to Melanie at her last known address to give her the option to hand herself in before they put her photo out on social media but have not heard back.

*speechless*

Luckily, the comment section went to town for me:

If you see Melanie, do not approach her but call police on 999 with her exact location, direction of travel and description of clothing and any items she is carrying, referencing the Wanted This Winter campaign.

Anything else you'd like? Her inside leg measurement, perhaps? Her holiday plans?

H/T: wiggia via email

Money For Old Rope Nags!

One of my readers noticed this listed on the official Government contracts site.

The Recovery of Stray, Loose and Abandoned Horses (from the highway) Kent Police and Essex Police

The Police and Crime Commissioner for Kent Contract award notice - two contracts have been awarded following a 2-Lot procurement exercise.

Lot 1 - Kent Lot 2 - Essex

Location East of England, South East

Value £1350000

Date notice published 28/11/17

Closing date 01/09/17

Notice status Awarded

Notice type Opportunity

That's a pretty nice little earner. Now, if they could only stop them from simply getting more horses once the ones removed are all in Tesco lasagne...

H/T: David Abell via email

On The Second Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

...MSM hopelessness and despair:

A year of this stuff, and never has mainstream opinion journalism seemed so inconsequential, so powerless to envision anything useful about our national predicament. Look at the grand sweep of history: this is an angry, populist age, and with every year – with every little tightening of the inequality index – it grows angrier and more populist still. To the satisfied and comfortable American pundit class, these are alien and deplorable sentiments, and so they fall back on high-decibel moral aghastitude. They scold and they scold and they scold. But if they really want to send Trump and the Republicans packing, they will make an effort to understand.

...and the best TV advert parody EVER!

If You Build It, They Will Come....

...and dump their general waste in it:

Recycling sites across Bexley have been "forced" to close after they were exposed to severe contamination. Bexley Council has said non-recyclable waste has been dumped in recycling bins, which are emptied by hand, costing an extra £10,000 a year to regularly empty.

A spokeswoman for the council said: "The borough’s waste and recycling team were finding large amounts of fly-tipping thoughtlessly dumped at these sites, as well as consistently finding the banks full of non-recyclable waste such as raw meat and household waste, rather than plastics and cartons."

Why wouldn't they? There are no consequences to doing so, after all.

Just as there are no consequences whatsoever for the people who dump carrier bags full of household waste outside the street bin next to my local paper shop. The street sweeper often bags up sackfuls of the stuff, which then have to be collected by lorry.

This was something totally unheard of about 15 years ago. So what changed in my area over this period of time?

Can anyone guess?

Cabinet member for community safety, environment and leisure, Councillor Peter Craske said: “We pride ourselves on being the top London borough for recycling waste and we urge all our residents to recycle their waste responsibly.

"Unfortunately, because of the minority spoiling these sites, it is no longer cost-effective to keep them running for the little recyclable plastics and cartons they produce.

We hope that residents will continue to recycle as much as they can through their normal weekly collections.”

Hmmm....

Household plastic packaging and beverage cartons can continue to be recycled through the kerbside recycling collection in the maroon box for houses, or silver bins for flats.

So what's to stop these getting similarly treated?

No Surprises Here....

West Midlands Police were alerted to a dog described as an American Pit Bull attacking a Rottweiler dog in the Woodgate area of Birmingham on Saturday 18th November.

And by 'alerted' we can guess they looked up briefly, shrugged and the radio, and carried on reading the paper....

After a while, a man described as tall, white, of medium build, aged between 20 to late 20s, wearing a baseball cap, red zip up jacket and matching sports trousers, ran towards Tasia and David, trying to get the dog off them.

The man claimed to be the owner of the dog that reached the man’s shoulders when on it’s hind legs – he also claimed he’d only had the dog for a short while from a rescue centre and it had slipped a choke chain.

Once the man managed to slip the choke chain on the dog, it is said that he had no control of the dog and it still tried to attack.

Where were the police? Nowhere.

Myfanwy explained: “I treated her for shock. She attempted to stand but went rigid and fell into a convulsion. She then had a stroke and could no longer stand or comprehend what was happening to her.”

They had to stretcher Tasia into the vets, they were told she’d had a fit, stroke and massive internal damage to her stomach area.

Nor was the dog the only victim.

Fortunately David didn’t require medical treatment, however he did sustain severely bruised arms and chest from defending both himself and Tasia.

Dangerous dog, person injured, family pet killed...and no arrests made? Welcome to that new DDA that the police said they needed to 'take action'...

On The First Day Of Christmas, #TrumpWin Gave To Me…

...the best TV advert parody EVER!

*Looks Up 'Mitigation' In Dictionary*

Hmmmm. Odd.

Alan Pollard, 28, from Brighton, was caught with £1,000 of class A drug crystal meth and class C drug GBL when police raided his home. The drugs are popular at gay sex parties in the city. Judge Charles Kemp said the offences were so serious Pollard could have faced four- and-half-years in jail.

So, did he? Reader, you won't be at all surprised....

In mitigation, the court heard Pollard funded his eight-year addiction to the drugs by starting to sell it.

I must have the wrong bloody dictionary.

Sentencing, Judge Kemp, slammed the porn star for dealing the dangerous drugs. He said: “You have to understand why the court regards it so seriously. You have no control whose hands they end up in, often the most vulnerable who get addicted to them like yourself.

“This is why you should have never been involved in the foul trade. Often people have their lives blighted or extinguished by these drugs.”

Judge Kemp sentenced Pollard to two years’ imprisonment, but suspended the sentence for two years to allow him to focus on drug rehabilitation.

*sighs*

A Somewhat Chilling Headline....

An East Croydon pizza shop has been given a one-out-of-five food hygiene score after inspectors found it was selling turkey as ham.

Whew! Could have been a lot worse!

The pizza shop was also criticised, among other things, for storing onions under the sink and because food handlers had no training in food safety, and also because the cold water tap on the wash hand basin didn't work.

Eeeeew!

Nice Perk If You Can Get It...

“Beale left the documents in the boot of his car for five days while he carried out errands, including a pub visit with a colleague and supermarket shopping.

The vehicle was also parked at an East Midlands railway station for several days while he went on a weekend holiday with his wife.”

The document loss is bad enough.

But no-one seems to be at all concerned that an unmarked police car is being used as a 'company car' rather than being out on the road with a proper police officer or two in it!

Mr Beale has been suspended from duty and is due to face disciplinary proceedings.

His lawyer, Duncan Atkinson QC, said it was possible Mr Beale would now lose his job.

Only 'possible'...?

H/T: Pee Wee via email

They Aren't Getting A Chance To Say 'No', Are They?

Old Spitalfields Market, in east London, has asked traders not to sell fur products from the start of 2018.

A statement, posted on the market's Facebook page, read: “Following a review carried out by the Market, we have taken the decision to request stall holders do not offer animal fur for sale from the beginning of next year.”

So is it a ban, or a request? What if the stall holders refuse?

Director of Corporate Projects at animal rights group PETA Yvonne Taylor said: “The British public is saying no to fur – and Old Spitalfields Market has listened.

“Today's consumers want cruelty-free fashion – and PETA urges those markets still peddling real fur of any era to follow in Old Spitalfields Market's footsteps so that they, too, can become shopping destinations fit for Britain in 2018.”

They aren't getting the chance to say 'No', you ghastly harridan - some animal rights nutter is trying to say it for them. Stall holders wouldn't sell it if there was no market.

And you can have my fox & mink jackets when you pry them from my cold, dead fingers.

When You Finally Run Out Of Things To Honour...

...in your Google Doodle. And you look round your desk for inspiration.

Well, You Did Ask...

*shrugs*

Sunday Funnies...

I'm astounded they could distill it down to just five...

"You Do Not Have To Say Anything, Unless You Wish To Do So..."

The first line of the UK police caution. Something the police themselves would do well to heed....

In a strongly worded statement following the Premier League clash, Chief Inspector Simon Nelson said the match had signalled a “return to the dark days of football”.

He said: “We are aware that a significant number of people attempted to enter the ground with pyrotechnics, knives and knuckledusters, which were found following efforts to gain access through fire exit doors in the south stand.”

 Just one problem. It wasn't true.

But neither Brighton and Hove Albion or Crystal Palace have said that weapons were discovered.

 Whoops! So, time to retract? No, no!

Crystal Palace fans have pushed for proof of weapons but none was provided, however Sussex Police maintained that weapons had been found and told a reporter that they were now evidence

Then yesterday Chief Inspector Simon Nelson was on Twitter telling a Crystal Palace fanzine that Brighton and Hove Albion had found the weapons.

Someone needs to taser this chap & wrestle the dangerous weapon - his Twitter account - from his hands!

But The Argus understands the club had not found any weapons and has not been party to any claims that they were found either inside or outside the ground.

Sussex Police claim information about the weapons was logged by an officer but the force has not made clear where the information came from.

Ah, the convenient 'anonymous officer who can't be traced', despite the police having all those systems for logging seizures & intelligence...

The police apology, issued last night, said: “The reference to weapons being found discarded at the stadium following the Brighton v Crystal Palace match on November 28 was based on information logged by our officers on the night and done so in good faith.

“Subsequently, it has been established that no such items were physically recovered at the stadium or in the city.

“We accept that this information was incorrect and the tweet published earlier today (December 7) by one of our officers was wrong.

“Sussex Police apologises to both clubs and their supporters.”

...through gritted teeth, I'll bet!

Last night the police said that they would not make any further comment.

Like most of their 'customers'!

"To Serve And Protect (Unless We Don't Feel Like It)"

Shocking footage shows a pit bull trying to rip off the bumper of Jessica Dilallo's car as it tried to get to two cats hiding underneath the vehicle in Georgia, in the US.

Ms Dilallo is heard pleading with responding officer Dalton Police Lieutenant Matthew Locke to stop the animal by shooting or throwing a rock at it.

'The bumper was not off ten minutes ago. You can't throw a rock at him? You can't do anything?' she asks.

She later says: 'If I go out and get a gun could I have shot him legally? Why not? He's destroying my property.'

But the officer refuses, telling her the dog was not being aggressive towards people.

It's being aggressive towards someone's pet, while destroying someone's property. But hey, why should you worry, eh? It's not like you're paid to defe...

Oh. Right.

Police said they waited 15 to 30 minutes for another officer to safely capture the dog using a catch pole.

Standing around, drinking coffee?

In a statement, police said: 'We were dispatched to a call of an aggressive dog attacking a woman's car. When Lt. Locke arrived, the dog walked right up to his window and was not aggressive towards people. The dog resumed attacking the car's bumper.

'Lt. Locke decided not to try to pull the dog off himself because he didn't want to be in a position where the dog attacked him and he was forced to shoot the dog.'

It's not something you usually have a problem with, is it?

"Is That A Phone In Your Pocket..?"

"...or are you just pleased to see me?"

At a medical tribunal Yasin, who was working as a locum at New Cross Hospital in Wolverhampton, denied their claims saying the women may have been confused as he had a Nokia Candybar handset and car key fob in his trouser pocket.

As excuses go, it's pretty novel.

Panel chairman Richard Tutt said: “Dr Yasin abused the special position of trust a doctor occupies and demonstrated sexually motivated predatory behaviour towards two junior female colleagues in the workplace, who were vulnerable by virtue of Dr Yasin’s respective seniority.

Having sexually assaulted Miss B, within a period of approximately two hours, Dr Yasin, from Birmingham, persisted in his sexually motivated predatory behaviour when he then sexually assaulted Miss A.

 That's showing a lot more stamina than we'd expect of an NHS worker..!

“His behaviour towards Miss A, the more vulnerable of the two complainants, was particularly persistent as he continued in his actions twice after she had moved away from him.

Bang to rights! 

“Subsequently, Dr Yasin has shown limited insight into the less serious allegations made against him, and has shown little or no insight in relation to the more serious aspects of his behaviour.”

Well, I suspect it's no biggie in his own country.

H/T: Ted Treen via email

"Me Fail English? That's Unpossible!"

"...because me is the English teacher!"

...Ms Berker, who appeared at the hearing via a video link, said the students could have colluded before they made their statements.

She added: It is interesting to note that not one of them said what I said. They all could of got together and colluded.

‘I will maintain what I said until my dying day. It was ill-judged. It was a throwaway remark that was made in jest. I was not trying to invoke or promote violence.’

*winces* It's 'could have', you ignoramus! What qualifies you to teach?

Ms Berker once appeared on Stars in Their Eyes alongside Matthew Kelly.

*speechless*