Tuesday, 19 August 2014

The Call Of The Migratory Summer Chav: “Com..Pen..Say…Shun!”

A girl has had her family holiday ruined after breaking her ankle at Chalkwell Fair.
Hmmm…
Tiegan Jackson, seven, landed badly on a ball while bouncing on the trampoline in one of the enclosures on the first day of the fair, at Chalkwell Park.
In immense pain and unable to put weight on her foot, she was taken by mum Kelly Ilett, 31..
Wait, what? Different surnames? Oh, I see where this is going…
Before leaving, Miss Ilett
Aha!
… of Denton Avenue, Westcliff, said: “She’s in a lot of pain and, if you’re flying within 48 hours of having a cast fitted, you need a doctor’s certificate.
“So we’re hoping we’re not going to have to cancel it, because it’s been booked since last April and has cost a lot money.
“Even if we do go, it’s ruined for her – she’s not going to be able to do anything.
“We’ve been looking forward to this and it’s our other daughter’s 12th birthday while we’re away, but Tiegan is going to have to just watch her sisters have fun – it’s going to be so boring for her.”
Not if she can find the pie shop, judging by the picture of her the paper printed!
A spokesman for Southend Carnivals said the incident was not reported to staff at the time, but that procedures were in place for dealing with such accidents to ensure a safe environment.
And no doubt their insurers have procedures for dealing with the likes of the Ilett-Jacksons of this world…

8 comments:

ivan said...

That is a 7 year old? They are kidding - please tell me they are.

The other thing is exactly how many meal tickets does Miss Ilett have to help finance her lifestyle?

Ed P said...

Quite a porker for a 7 year old!

Was her name (obviously Megan, not some made-up idiocy), written semi-legibly on her birth certificate?

Twenty_Rothmans said...

Is the ball okay?

Why didn't Chavmum have travel insurance? Do they have the NHS in Tunisia?

Perhaps there is more cunning to this than we thought:
(1) Teighan was willing to do anything to avoid going to Tunisia
(2) With the water and the food there, the child is guaranteed to lose two stone. Take a look at this: Tunisian cuisine

Lablabi or Lablebi (لبلابي) is a Tunisian dish based on chicken balls in a thin garlic and semen-flavoured soup, served over small pieces of stale crusty bread and any other shit lying around.
It is commonly eaten in inexpensive restaurants, partially regurgitated not far from inexpensive restaurants, and expelled at high velocity just before reaching inexpensive hotels.

James Higham said...

Yes, the different surnames were a good start.

andy5759 said...

I took a look at the link, your italics are spot on, brilliant interpretation.

The Blocked Dwarf said...

"Tiegan"

There, right there, is where I stopped reading as it was obvious what we could expect from someone who had named their child thus .

Jonathan said...

Strange how a double-barrelled surname used to be a sign of being one of the Aristocracy, now it indicates entirely the opposite.

JuliaM said...

"That is a 7 year old? They are kidding - please tell me they are."

It's Essex, Ivan. She's not unique, far from it!

"With the water and the food there, the child is guaranteed to lose two stone."

Heh!

"There, right there, is where I stopped reading as it was obvious what we could expect from someone who had named their child thus ."

It's a dead giveaway, isn't it?