Chamber Music…

A failing school has splashed out £100,000 of taxpayers' cash on toilets that have piped in classical music - even though the building will be demolished in four years.

The luxury loos at Kingswood College of Arts also feature the school's logo built into the floor, touch sensor flushes in fully private cubicles and all-in-one handwash-and-dry units.

No mink-lined toilet seats? Cheapskates…

The secondary school, in Hull, which was ranked 'inadequate' in a recent Ofsted report, claims the tunes are needed to protect pupils' privacy.

‘Privacy’, you say? Were pupils previously forced to share a toilet seat, or something? No, it seems the music was designed to ‘cover up the sounds of their bodily functions’....

But it has been criticised by Carl Minns, the Liberal Democrat leader of Hull council.

He said: 'I think many parents of children who go to this college will think spending that sort of money is a bit bonkers.

'And I must admit I have some sympathy with that view.

'If the toilets needed fixing, I don't think anyone would have a problem with making sure they are good quality, but I think piped music in there is a bit random.'

‘Some sympathy’? That’s big of you, Carl…

Of course, the school defended its expenditure on the usual grounds:

Tony Hammond, director of resources at the school, said the money also paid for new lockers and a dance studio and changing rooms.

He added: 'Four years in the life of a secondary school student is a long time and we feel strongly the students who are here now deserve the best facilities and one of those is the toilets.'

No-one’s claiming they should squat over holes dug in the earth instead, you cretin. They are simply pointing out that lashing out taxpayers money on piped music and a school logo on the floor, when the building is due to close, is throwing money down the drain. Their money.

And they are right.