Thursday 13 June 2013

One Can Only Wonder At How Her Children Would Behave…

Melissa Kite on dog (non)training:
The man at the next table looked down at my fidgeting spaniel and shook his head. ‘Not trained,’ he said.
How rude. There I was, having a quiet drink with my friend at the local pub, when the man at the next table decided to give me some unsolicited advice about how to control my dog.
Turns out, you need it...
The noise of the spaniel howling and the chair scraping across the flagstones and me gasping ‘Oh, Cydney, please!’ every few minutes was rather ruining the ambience of one of Surrey’s most modish gastropubs (clientele include Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and there is often a queue for the helipad).
Also, it was quiz evening, so the howling did rather interfere with the compère calling out the questions. But you have to understand that Cydney has sat through a lot of these quizzes and is beginning to get a bit hacked off.
Then leave the dumb beast at home! It's not like he answers many questions, is it? And if your pooch is 'hacked off', imagine how the rest of the pub feels...
But the man at the next table didn’t see it that way. The man at the next table was in a party of people that included a visually impaired lady who had a guide dog. An impeccably behaved guide dog. A guide dog who lay at his owner’s feet and barely moved, except when Cydney pulled me across the floor on my seat and threw herself on top of it.
/doublefacepalm
The man was something to do with guide dog training and had also tamed bull mastiffs, which was just about as impressive a thing as anyone on planet earth could do. He told us so after striding over to our table to make clear that my dog was what those in the dog-training business like him would technically term ‘not trained’.
Those of us not in the dog training business have choicer descriptions of it. And of the owner...
‘UP!’ he yelled furiously at her. She batted the Lab with her paws. ‘NOW!’ She stood up and turned her back on him. ‘SIT!’ She looked over towards the bar. ‘It’s no good,’ I tried to explain to him. ‘She doesn’t do sit.’
Oddly enough, it seems she had an uncontrollable horse, as well. Are we starting to see a pattern here? We can only thank god this woman has a child substitute, and not a real child...


9 comments:

Fidel Cuntstruck said...

clientele include Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

Did we really need to know that I wonder? Or is it because I'm not a name-dropping, social climbing wannabee?

I used to work with a guy who claimed to live in Surrey - like it made him something special - I googled his address in front of everyone to prove he was just outside what was then classed as Surrey and he didn't see the funny side at all!!

...and there is often a queue for the helipad

Gosh! aren't they just the Cat's whiskers - a Gastropub (didn't they go out in the '90s?)with it's own Helipad right in their village - how I envy them - not

Interestingly, there was no photo of her and her pooch - was that in case the locals all wrote to the Speccie to complain about "that silly woman and her yappy dog" do you think?

I wonder if it's one of the working Spaniel breeds? has no one told her they aren't designed as fashion accessories and would be hugely uncomfortable in that environment - no matter what chance there was of Angelina Jolie dropping in (see what I did there?) for a Pie and a Pint. Even if it's one of those horrid little King Charles jobbies she deserves a lethal injection for naming it "Cydney"

Bloody Southerners!!

Woman on a Raft said...

If a pitbull named Tyson snacked on her poopsie-woopsie, we'd never hear the end of 'gosh isn't it awful how people don't control their dogs'.

John Pickworth said...

Interestingly, there was no photo of her and her pooch - was that in case the locals all wrote to the Speccie to complain about "that silly woman and her yappy dog" do you think?

The yappy bitch is here... with Cydney

The pub in question is The Black Swan Ockham, Surry. Probably best to avoid quiz night when Melissa is there. It's not even strictly her 'local pub' either; she lives on the other side of Woking in Bisley.

Fahrenheit211 said...

I used to quite like Ms Kite's column in the Speccy but since it got a bit too 'doggified' I now give it a miss.

Twenty_Rothmans said...

I have read the Spectator for many years (long before I came to Britain) and have been a subscriber for quite a few.

It seems to me that there is always a column that features an airhead. Petronella used to be a deputy editor, for Heaven's sake. Joan Collins drops in but I love her, so leave her alone.

Hopefully most other subscribers see Melissa's contributions as an interesting insight into how stupid (as opposed to airheaded) other people are. Naming her dog after a council estate child whose name is likely to juxtapose 'shallow grave' in a headline makes me smile. Note the spelling - will the mutt mind if it is spelled with an 'S'?

At least Petronella was a sexy little minx - not 'Christ - was I that drunk?'.

James Higham said...

Interesting name, Melissa Kite.

Johnnyrvf said...

@John Pickworth.Is that the Black Swan or Mucky Duck as I used to call it that in earlier days welcomed rufty tufty bikers and other motorcyclists? We used to have a thrash down there from Shepherds bush on a wednes dy evening for some bikers bash or other, I wonder if it still happens?

ivan said...

Someone with a large Newfoundland should take their dog to the pub and maybe it will teach her dog manners.

A couple of years ago I met a friend who had an 'airhead' woman and her dog with him. Her dog was on a flexi lead and kept dashing all over the place while mine did the Newfoundland thing of laying down since we had stopped walking. The yappy poodle thing did the 'jump on the big dog' once too often so all he did was place a large paw on the poodles back and lean on it.

I found it very hard not to laugh, there was the poodle, silent, with all four legs splayed out sideways, flat on the ground. It actually took some time for the woman to realise her dog was behaving for a change - it couldn't do much else - but when she did she went ballistic.

JuliaM said...

"Did we really need to know that I wonder?"

Of COURSE we did!

"If a pitbull named Tyson snacked on her poopsie-woopsie, we'd never hear the end of 'gosh isn't it awful how people don't control their dogs'."

Very true!

"The yappy bitch is here... with Cydney"

:D

"It actually took some time for the woman to realise her dog was behaving for a change..."

That's another bugbear of mine - women (and occasionally men) walking dogs while yapping on the phone or texting, oh-so-conveniently ignoring the fact fido just laid a dog egg on the pavement...