Monday, 15 August 2016

"Denn die Todten reiten Schnell*..."

A man who lives as a vampire has said he ‘just wants to be treated like everyone else’.
Really? Shit! *quickly hides stake*
Darkness said until recently he had very few problems from other people.
However this changed when he went for a drink with friends at a pub in Oswaldtwistle where he said he was openly abused because of the way he dressed.
They didn't fetch pitchforks and flaming torches, did they? I'm pretty sure H&S wouldn't like it.

And the brewery probably bans such capers too...
Darkness said he first became attracted to the vampire lifestyle as a teenager.
Well, I know I'm shocked..
Garlic doesn’t affect me...
Good. Glad we cleared that up.
...and I can quite happily walk around in the sunlight.”
In Oswaldtwistle? How often does the sun come out up there?
Sylvia Lancaster, Sophie’s mother, said: “The sad part is we hear these kind of stories all the time.
“It is far more common than people realise, and it is completely out of order.”
No, no, I really don't think that's the sad part, love...

*unless the B6234 is dug up again by British Gas, then traffic's monstrous...

H/T:Mrs Erdleigh via comments

13 comments:

Demetrius said...

We have a lot of them round our way. They have the uncanny habit of being in front of me in the supermarket queue with a trolley full of frozen meat.

Anonymous said...

“Garlic doesn’t affect me..."
"...and I can quite happily walk around in the sunlight.”
How is he with silver bullets?

Michael said...

Is this the traditional Dinner Suit, cloak and slicked back hair with "ze cherman accent"? Somehow for Oswaldtwistle, situation normal...
Nope, looking at the photo this is not a "Black Ribboner" but what we would call a "Prat".

MTG said...

All complaints are in vein, otherwise Darkness should get all very well with my ex-wife and her team of blood-sucking lawyers.

MTG said...

*on*

wiggiatlarge said...

According to www.sanguinarius.org a vampire is: “Someone who incorporates fictional vampire imagery and trappings into his or her personal life, often cultivating a ‘Vampiric’ physical appearance.

So he is a fantisist, an attention seeker and all round d...head.

Woman on a Raft said...

Surely he should be in Whitby, the Goth Capital? I don't know why they hang around in Lancashire, and particularly not Blackburn. It's not natural.

Andrew Scarborough said...

It's good to know that the great British eccentric is alive and well. As long as he keeps his canines to himself he is a harmless dreamer. Trekkies dress up, invent a language and spend thousands on their obsession, what's the difference? These people give us all a laugh, we should be grateful.

swanseajock said...

Excuse the pun, but this must be a bite!!

Anonymous said...

So it's up to LBGTQIAV now, is it?
To the Infinite Typing Monkeys - that's not a half bad stab at "knobhead".

John M said...

SO let's be clear about this, if neither Garlic or Sunlight adverseley affect the young petal then HE CAN'T BE A F**KING VAMPIRE THEN CAN HE,

Mike Cunningham said...

“I first learnt about vampires when I was 13 and growing up in Galway."

Ah, that explains just about everything. Its a sort of Black Paddy Power thing.

JuliaM said...

"How is he with silver bullets?"

Heh!

"Is this the traditional Dinner Suit, cloak and slicked back hair with "ze cherman accent"?"

Think more 'Photoshop Goth'...

"I don't know why they hang around in Lancashire, and particularly not Blackburn. It's not natural."

:D

"Ah, that explains just about everything. Its a sort of Black Paddy Power thing."

The world is stranger than we ever suspected...