"We're Gonna Need A Much Bigger Flag..."

Even the Messiah only thought there were 57!

H/T: Stephen Brown via email

Sunday Funnies...

But aren't they all 'crazy', if you're an atheist?

I Trust Berkshire Coroner Ian Wade Leaves His Door Unlocked At Night..?

A coroner has ruled that burglar Wayne Digby was unlawfully killed by OAP Reuben Gregory, 73, who shot him dead at his caravan home in woodland.

In his inquest verdict after hearing the pensioner's assertion that he was acting in self-defence, the coroner said he rejected that explanation and found that the death of intruder Wayne Digby, aged 48 years, was manslaughter.

We've been here before, far too many times, haven't we, reader?

The shock verdict is expected to be studied by senior detectives who followed the Crown Prosecution Service's decision not to charge Mr Gregory with the killing but instead to charge him with possession of a shotgun without a licence.

So is there some doubt that a vulnerable OAP living in remote surroundings was actually attacked in the middle of the night by a drug-dependant gang of remorseless thieves?

Well, no....

Anthony ‘Tony’ Hearn, of Moreland Close, Colnbrook, pleaded guilty to the charge of conspiracy to commit aggravated burglary today (Thursday) and was sentenced at Reading Crown Court. The 48-year-old was arrested on June 12 and was charged with the offence on June 15.

The offence relates to an incident in the early hours of June 12, when Hearn and another man, Wayne Digby, attempted to enter a caravan in a field next to the Colnbrook bypass. The pair planned to steal from the occupants, with Hearn going equipped with a number of menacing items.

And despite having to show the now-obligatory taking out of an onion for the miscreant, the cop in charge is bang on the money:

Detective Chief Inspector Andy Shearwood of the Major Crime Unit said: “There is no doubt that this is a tragic incident for all concerned which has resulted in terrible consequences, including the death of Wayne Digby and our thoughts are with his family.

“However it cannot be ignored that the incident began with a conspiracy to burgle from vulnerable occupants of a remote home and that the co-conspirators were prepared to use force to get what they wanted. Without that intention none of this would have happened.

“The sentence reflects the severity of the offence.”

As did the other sentence; the one passed by Reuben.

Update: Following yesterday's shocking Surrey train murder, there's now a man in custody. But the police statement reads as very odd: "Nothing justified the extraordinary violence that followed..." and "we are now confident to say that this is not believed to be a random assault. In the moments leading to the violent killing, both men appeared to be involved in an altercation lasting three minutes."

Is it just me? Shouldn't they leave the inevitable excuses for the defence? 🤔

Or to bellends on Twitter:

Not enough facepalms in the world...

Just Hide Out In A Ditch, Love....

...it's Police Scotland, after all, they'll never find you there:

Larysa Switlyk, 33, 'a world-renowned hunter' from Sarasota, Florida, was accused of 'trophy hunting' wild animals on the island of Islay, Scotland in September after she posed for a series of Instagram photos during the hunt.

Now, Police Scotland have confirmed that the hunter, who regularly posts photos of her hunts alongside her boyfriend Jason, has been reported for firearms offences, along with a 41-year-old man also from the US.

While she was pictured with slain goats, stags and sheep on Islay, hunting animals in season is not illegal in Scotland and she is facing a charge under Section 11a of the Firearms Act, which relates to how you can use borrowed shotguns legally.

One hopes they've boned up on firearms laws since their last debacle...

Ms Switlyk drew intense criticism from politicians and celebrities after posting the photos - although many commenters mocked her for posing so proudly with a sheep.

Police Scotland added that they had received several complaints about hunting in September and the Procurator Fiscal is now investigating.

No, I have no idea why Police Scotland are mocked and derided as little more than hapless lackeys in blue of the offendatrons...

British hunter Jenna Gearing was one of those involved in the trip but said she quit early disgusted by Ms Switlyk's attitude.

'I'm not friends with her [Larysa] any longer and In fact the reason I left that hunt early was because I was so against what she stood for and her morals.

'I'd left the hunting trip before that photo was taken but it is an embarrassment to people that hunt like me and my family, who do it for sustainability, management and to eat wholesome freerange meat that I can source.'

There's always some useful idiot who thinks that they can avoid a clampdown on their sport by throwing someone else under the bus, isn't there? Do they never learn?

They Have A Cunning Plan...

...to stop Islam being associated with child grooming:

Serial killer Levi Bellfield was part of a child sex gang that has not been brought to justice, according to a council report.

The report, by Hillingdon Council in west London, looks at previously unreported links between Bellfield, whose victims include schoolgirl Milly Dowler, and a group of paedophiles accused of grooming at least 17 vulnerable girls under the age of 16 for sex.

The document, obtained by The Sunday Times, is by a senior social worker who specialised in child sexual exploitation and it has been handed to the Metropolitan Police.

It's brilliant! A pasty-faced white man! That'll..

Oh.

Bellfield, who has converted to Islam and now calls himself Yusuf Rahim...

Curses! Foiled again!

MONA Alert!

The three men made threats during the robbery in broad daylight just metres from police officers and outside a shopping centre.

Distressed mum Karen Kappes has warned people to take care after her 15-year-old son was one of the victims.

'Men'. Note that. It appears frequently.

One of the men then decided he liked the look of one of the boy’s coats - so they stole that as well.

Strange thing for 'men' to steal, you may think?

“Luckily, one of my son’s friends managed to get away and run around the corner to raise the alarm.

“He managed to get the attention of a community policing team, who came charging around the corner and scared them away.”

Note: didn't catch them.

“I had a call from them saying they were taking care of him and they got him on a train to come home.”

On his own. After a violent robbery. And that's what she considers 'taking care'...?

The violent attack may have been committed by a drugs gang with members operating in south Essex including Southend.

The gangs come to the town to recruit child dealers, sell class A drugs and, it appears, rob children.

But there's no descriptions. I think that tells us more than if there were full colour mugshots.

The Echo contacted Essex Police to find out what was being done to find the gang following the incident at 3pm on Thursday.

Should be a short statement. Is the second word 'all'...?

Another Champion?

The government has appointed a food waste champion to tackle the problem of 250m meals being thrown away in the UK each year.

Will they have to undergo a Thunderdome-style clash with the obesity champion, I wonder?

Elliot’s first task will be to oversee the Food Waste Fund, a £15m pilot scheme which will redistribute surplus food, Gove said.

Working with businesses and other stakeholders from across retail, manufacturing, hospitality and food services, he will also support government consultations on the introduction of mandatory food waste reduction targets and redistribution obligations.

You can all look forward to prices going up in the supermarkets then. Don't worry, they'll just blame Brexit!

Elliot said: “While families all over the country struggle to put food on the table and children still go to school each day with empty stomachs, there continues to be an unforgivable amount of food waste, which is both morally deplorable and largely avoidable.

“As a nation, we need to stop this excessive waste and ensure that surplus food finds its way to people in our society who need it most, and not let it get thrown away and go to landfill.”

Who is this cretin to tell us what is 'morally deplorable?

In his role as chair of the Quintessentially Foundation, Elliot, who is the Duchess of Cornwall’s nephew...

Ah. I take no lessons in morality from such.

...has worked with the Felix Project, a charity targeting food waste and food poverty in London which claims to have diverted up to £1bn of surplus food to those in need.

Has anyone tested the claims? No? Didn't think so.

And don't believe all you read about piles of 'wasted' food rotting in mountains. It's just not true.

Currently around 43,000 tonnes of surplus food is redistributed from retailers and food manufacturers every year, the government says. It is estimated a further 100,000 tonnes of food – equating to 250m meals a year – is edible and readily available but goes uneaten. Instead, it is sent away for generating energy from waste, or for animal feed.

Which will in turn provide more food and the energy to heat that food. So it's not 'wasted' at all.

"The Nazis Are Coming, The Nazis Are Coming..!"

Thank goodness we've got people like this to tell us that the illegal Afghans & Syrians & who knows what invading our country via small boats from across the Channel are really fleeing the imminent Fourth Reich!

From The 'Well, You Should Know...' Files

Who is Mike Sparling (the man who doesn't know that police are Crown servants)?

Glad you asked:

A failed Labour election candidate has been sacked from his police job after taking days off sick so he could canvas for the election.

Mike Sparling, 32, was confronted by his bosses with pictures of him on social media knocking on doors to try and win votes in the build-up to the poll.

At the time he was employed by Devon and Cornwall Police as a 999-call handler in Plymouth, Devon, after getting through a rigorous selection programme.

'Pwnd!', as I believe the cool kids say.

A Dangerous Animal That Needs Castrating And Muzzing...

A woman was outside a shop when a man approached her and got into argument with her about her dog at around 2.40pm.

The man claimed the dog, described as a Jack Russell, had scared a young child that was with him.

He then attacked the woman, punching her a number of times in the head, before leaving the scene.

Let's see this creep then:

Usual suspect.