Monday 27 January 2014

Is This A Court Report Or An Article From The ‘Daily Mash’?

A thief wanted to look smart when he appeared before a judge…
Very sensible!
… so he stole a £224 suit.
/facepalm
John Faulkner, 42, helped himself to the Austin Reed suit from Boundary Mll in Colne and was then said to have threatened to stab a security guard when challenged by staff.
Niiiice
Burnley Crown Court heard that the offence breached an eight-month prison sentence, suspended for a year, which had also included a nine-month drugs programme.
Well, you might think he’s bound for a spell inside, mightn’t you? That is, until you realise our old friend Beverley Lunt is presiding…
Judge Lunt gave him a 12- month conditional discharge and added a month to the drugs requirement.
*sighs*

9 comments:

Fidel Cuntstruck said...

I wonder if Judge Lunt will ever be called on to try someone who offended somebody on Twitter? Will her rules of leniency and "second chances" be applied as rigorously then?

Mr. Morden said...

I am sure it has been said on here but, Ms. Lunt really does deserve her own 'Cockney-Slang' word.

So calling anyone a Beverly, would be a grave insult indeed.

Anonymous said...

Give him the judge's address. I'm sure she has stuff he needs as part of his drug rehab, the odd bit of computer saleable down the pub. Or maybe he could try crossdressing for his next court appearance, in mitigation so he doesn't get sent down then either?

The Blocked Dwarf said...

If I were Austin Reed's advertising Exec I would be on the phone to the dipshit thief asap.

"When first impressions really count then an Austin Reed suit"

"Wore it like you stole it"

"Be better dressed than your lawyer."

or perhaps best of all "If you want His Lordship to like the cut of your cloth...then Austin Reed."

MTG said...

@ Blocked Dwarf
Mr Faulkner was not driven to theft by basic need and the average shopper, who pays an extra £200/annum to offset shoplifting, will not be amused.
This jest should appeal to your plod counterparts who demonstrably share 'good taste' handicaps.

Anonymous said...

I can beat this for cheek.
About ten years ago I was strolling around my high street when I clocked a druggy shoplifter that I knew well.He wasn't carrying any bags so I left him alone.
About ten minutes later I saw him again now struggling to carry a heavy bag.
I walked behind him hoping he would dump it or run.
He went round the corner and I lost him.
CCTV had been following him as well and they told me that he had gone into my local magistrates court.I legged it there and the security guard pointed me into one of the courts.I went in and saw chummy in the dock chatting with a solicitor.The bench had risen for lunch.
I searched the bag and found about 50 stolen CD's in a foil-lined bag.I arrested him and told the usher what had happened.
The crim was mid-way through a trial and the bench had risen for lunch and he nipped out and did some thieving.Unbelievable.Even his solicitor was speechless and made no effort to defend him.
Jaded

Longrider said...

I am reminded here of someone I once worked with. He was persistently late, much to the annoyance of the colleague waiting to be relieved. Happened to me on more than one occasion. Eventually, Railtrack decided to invoke the disciplinary procedure and dismissed him. He appealed as was his prerogative.

He was late for the appeal. My how we laughed.

The Blocked Dwarf said...

" bench had risen for lunch and he nipped out and did some thieving.Unbelievable"-Jaded

*Unbelievable* indeed...how unbelievably industrious! And people say the Brits have no work ethic?!

:P

JuliaM said...

" Will her rules of leniency and "second chances" be applied as rigorously then?"

Good question!

"Give him the judge's address. I'm sure she has stuff he needs as part of his drug rehab, the odd bit of computer saleable down the pub."

I love the way you think... ;)

"Even his solicitor was speechless and made no effort to defend him."

Heh!

"He was late for the appeal. My how we laughed."

LOL!