Security guards reduced a nine-year-old boy to tears after banning him from sailing his toy boat on a pond because it 'frightens the fish'.God, it must be an exciting day of intrigue and derring-do as a security guard at Chiswick Business Park! I bet the queue for jobs there is round the block.
Noah Bailey was distraught after staff at Chiswick Business Park, in west London, stopped him playing with his model of the German battleship Bismarck.
Forget the SAS or Blackwater. Who wants to go toe-to-toe with armed insurgents or enemy spies, when you can face down the deadly threat of a nine-year-old. And make him cry!
It's a wonder that, realising he had his grandfather with him, the officious little toad didn't get out his walkie talkie and start screaming 'Code red! Code red! Officer under fire! Send backup!'.
Why, the chap was under sixty. It could have turned very nasty...
Mr Fabricius then asked the guard who he should make a complaint to, but he refused to give the name of anyone in management or a contact number due to 'security considerations'.In case the local British Legion staged a reprisal raid, no doubt?
Mind you, if I employed the sort of dickless wonders who thought chasing a nine-year-old away from a lake for the heinous crime of sailing a toy boat was a good job well done, I'd make sure they had strict instructions never to give my name out too.
I couldn't bear the shame of everyone knowing how I made my living...
And now the papers are in on the act, what has the company to say for itself?
A spokesman for the security team at the park said: 'We have had quite a few people come to the lake to use their model speedboats which is unacceptable.'It seems...'? 'Personally, I don't...'? Way to handle this PR disaster, Mr Company Representative!
'We have even had people paddling in the lake. Anything to do with the lake, we try to nip in the bud.
'However, if this toy boat didn't have a motor engine I can't see a problem. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with it.
'It seems a bit pathetic.'
I think this chap understands the term 'spokesman' about as well as his colleagues understand the term 'security guard'...