Wednesday, 17 November 2010

“Herpetology Squad! Freeze! Nobody Move!”

A police officer paid pet shops across Bromley a surprise visit as part of a global crackdown on the illegal trade of reptiles and amphibians.
Whew! The grimy underbelly of Bromley will be safe for box turtles, carpet pythons and gharials at last.

People? Well, no. They can look after themselves; ace crimebuster John Blackman is on the case…
PC John Blackman, Bromley police's wildlife crime officer, dropped in at stores from the beginning of September to the end of last month as part of international police force Interpol’s Operation Ramp.
Unless the lazy sod just did one a fortnight, then Bromley must have a heck of a lot of pet shops flogging soon-to-be-sewer-dwelling non-Teenage Mutant turtles…

So, John, tell us. What was your haul? How many purloined pythons, counterfeit chameleons, forged frogs, etc?
He found all pet shops selling reptiles and amphibians were trading legally
Oh.

Well, that’s a bit of an anticlimax, isn’t it? Still, never mind, lad, down these mean streets a man must go, so don’t let it dent your enthuse…

Ah. I see you won’t:
… but says he will continue to monitor (Ed: varanus species, I believe…) stores in the borough.
Fantastic! Don’t let a zero success rate hold you back, chum!
He said: "This isn’t a one-off strike but an ongoing operation that will continue to target illegal animal sellers.”
Ummmm…

But you didn’t. You targeted shops selling these creatures perfectly legally. By your own admission
Anyone with information about wildlife crime in Bromley should call PC Blackman on 0208 284 8857 or email john.blackman@met.police.uk
If you’ve been mugged or raped, however, just dial 999 and someone will get back to you later. Maybe.

10 comments:

Chapcustard said...

In-depth and thorough police work at it's very best.

In other news an elite anti-drug unit kicked in the doors of several Lloyds pharmacies across London looking for illegal narcotics. They found all pharmacies were trading legally but did rough up a 55 year old woman for buying Zovirax when she clearly did not have a cold sore. She was heard to scream "...aarrggh..tingling! tingling!...aaargh" as she disappeared under a wave of size 10's, batons and pepper spray.

By the way, does anyone want to buy a cracking Varanus Komodoensis? Meet me in the Bromley Crown and Anchor tonight at 10pm. Bring heavy gloves and a big stick. Ask for Fast Eddie.

Anonymous said...

This is all most unfair to our boys and girls in blue. You guys should applaud such efforts in prevention! Now where's the story about the Bobby who has eradicated domestic violence and bullying on a sink estate packed with snakes and reptiles?

Blue Eyes said...

Be fair, this chap would have been tasked with doing a walk-around and the whole thing would have been dressed up as some sort of "initiative". I doubt very much that wildlife crime is his full time occupation.

Edwin Greenwood said...

I didn't think they allowed anything as vulgar as pet shops in Bromley. Perhaps there are one or two in Penge, that remote corner of the borough the good burghers prefer not to mention.

MTG said...

The sergeant duped PC Blackman when he asked if anyone was interested in a job which involved a trip to the canaries.

Yet PC Blackman was not to be denied his freebies and takes home fresh crème de la gwano every evening.

Nick2 said...

Just empire building - why does Bromley NEED a Police Wildlife Officer? Too much bush meat being traded in boot sales? Animal smuggling rife in Bromley?

Or (on a serious note) maybe a Policeman is trying to use any excuse to actually patrol the mean streets rather than navigate the torrents of paperwork at the station.

Leg-iron said...

A real life Ace Ventura! I wonder if he has the hair?

Careful now, officer. It's a jungle out there!

JuliaM said...

"Bring heavy gloves and a big stick. Ask for Fast Eddie."

He'd better be fast! ;)

"Now where's the story about the Bobby who has eradicated domestic violence and bullying on a sink estate packed with snakes and reptiles?"

Well, could you blame him? The reptiles probably smell better, and have cleaner habits...

"I doubt very much that wildlife crime is his full time occupation."

Oh, I don't doubt that - in an emergency - he'd be pulled off this duty. But I wouldn't be too sure it isn't a full-time post in normal times, with all the training etc that that implies...

"I didn't think they allowed anything as vulgar as pet shops in Bromley."

Clearly, there must be more than a few of them...

"...why does Bromley NEED a Police Wildlife Officer? Too much bush meat being traded in boot sales? "

*muses* I wonder if Ilford or Barking has a Wildlife Officer?

"Careful now, officer. It's a jungle out there!"

*chuckle*

banned said...

We have a pet shop that sells reptiles, it's hardly a secret though, it's on the main road to the police station and is called The Reptile Shop.

Big Dave said...

Up here they did the same trick on fifteen shops selling fireworks and all of them were selling them legally!
Allegedly one MOP tipped them off that a shop was selling them illegally to kids under 16.

I'll lay odds that MOP was a kid under 16!
Priceless.