Wednesday, 12 December 2018

"Not Even With Yours, Sarge!"

A woman said she has been left traumatised after police burst into her flat searching for a man she has not spoken to for nine years.
Meg Le Chalmers, 25, was sound asleep in her flat in Roosevelt Way, Colchester, at 7.30am on Saturday when her sister woke her because there was loud banging at the door. Seconds later, police burst through the front door smashing it from the hinges.
Whew! I thought for a moment I was going to read that they'd smashed her back doors in!
Miss Le Chalmers said: “My sister woke me up saying ‘What is that banging at the front door?
“We didn’t know what was happening. We thought it might even have been the postman.
Blimey! Postmen are hardcore in that neighbourhood!
She plans to make an official complaint against Essex Police and says the incident has triggered her anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder conditions.
One wag in the comment section has the perfect rejoinder:


/applause

Yeah, It's Not As Widespread As You'd Like Us To Believe...

A mother was horrified when she learned her ten-year-old daughter was threatened with a knife on her way to school.
The woman, from Southend, who will remain anonymous, said her daughter was cycling to school when she accidentally bumped into two teenage boys in Cecil Jones Academy uniform.
The girl apologised, but claims she was told by one of the boys “sorry isn’t good enough I’m going to stab you” and he then pulled out a small pen knife.
Oh, well, if it's only a small penknife....
“Cecil Jones needs to do much more to make sure kids aren’t able to bring knives into school. When I phoned them and spoke to staff, I was told ‘I’m not quite sure what you want me to do?’.”
I sympathise, unnamed lackey, it's not like you get a lot of practice at this, is it?
A spokesperson for Cecil Jones said they couldn’t comment on individual incidents, but highlighted the incident didn’t take place on school grounds.
They added: “We work hard to tackle incidents of challenging or difficult behaviour but it must be stressed that most schools in the UK deal with these type of incidents from time to time. Cecil Jones is not alone in this regard.”
'Most schools'...? Really? Do you think this school suffers these sort of incidents?

And if the answer is 'No', maybe ask yourself why...

Tuesday, 11 December 2018

I Don't Think 'Differently' Is The Appropriate Word Here...


Yesterday morning we published a story that had a profound effect on our entire newsroom.
It's Liverpool, so of course, it's a heartwarming tale of how people came together to help their fellow citizens.
Within six hours of our story going live - our readers had contributed an incredible £7,000 to a fund launched to help the siblings cover funeral costs and the huge financial challenges that now lie ahead for them.
And here's another heartwarming tale of how people came together to help....

Well, not their fellow citizens. Far from it.
...yesterday also brought us the incredible moment a group of young Liverpool fans found they had been travelling back from France with two alleged asylum seekers hidden in their coach. The young men were discovered stowed in the vehicle after the fans had returned to British soil. The immediate reaction from the Reds fans? Naturally, it was to embrace the two young men, make them feel safe and welcome and even pose for a photo.
We don't know the specific circumstances that have led these two young men to try and make it to the UK - but it stands to reason that you must be escaping from a pretty difficult situation if you are ready to risk your life by travelling in the engine compartment of a coach for miles on end - with no idea how far you will get.
No, not 'differently'. Try 'with extreme gullibility' instead...

"One said: ‘It’s mortifying to think somebody capable of that could be living along your street.’"

A murderer? A paedophile?

Well, no:
Colin Wing, 60, was caught on camera hurling insults at the Manchester City player in a Premier League match at Chelsea on Saturday.
A man who gets a bit too excited at a football match. Have we lost all reason in this country?
‘Nobody around me said they heard anything. I want to apologise unreservedly to Raheem and hope he can be a better man than I am by accepting it.
‘I offer him an unreserved apology. Even if it wasn’t racist, it’s not right what I said. Even the swearing is bad – but I got carried away.
‘I was completely out of order, but I’ve lost my job and my season ticket now so everybody’s got what they wanted. So why can’t they leave me alone?’
Oh, I'm sure the mob will lose interest now. There'll be another Two Minute Hate along in a minute to distract them.

Monday, 10 December 2018

But The British Taxpayer Is A Victim, Surely..?

'Police will never check a database only to establish a victim's immigration status,' Mr Sawyer added.
'If an officer becomes aware that a victim of crime is suspected of being an illegal immigrant, it is right that they should raise this with Immigration Enforcement officers and not take any immigration enforcement action themselves.
'Throughout, the police should treat them as a victim of crime.
'The police priority is to protect victims and investigate crime, and we are extremely careful about doing anything to deter victims from reporting to us.'
Illegal immigration is a crime. Isn't it?
Corey Stoughton, advocacy director at campaign organisation Liberty, said: 'We have repeatedly raised our concerns about this practice of sharing a victim's data with the Home Office and we are pleased the NPCC is finally addressing it.
'This inherently biased practice actively discourages victims and witnesses of crimes coming forward, leaving criminals to continue committing crimes with near impunity and victims with no recourse to justice.'
What about our 'recourse to justice'?
She said the issue will persist unless there is a 'complete firewall' between police and the Home Office.
In other words, 'Until we get the open borders we want, and our Common Purpose troops can move on to the next agenda item'.

Demand For Free Stuff Increases At Christmas? Who Knew?

Staff at a foodbank are asking for urgent donations as they warn Christmas could be their busiest month ever.
Last December, The Whitehawk Foodbank provided 137 three-day emergency food supplies to people in crisis, 47 of which went to children.
That figure is expected to be higher this year as it launches its Twelve Days of Christmas campaign.
Gosh! Who could have exp...

Oh, yeah. Everyone.
Manager Rich Merrick said every year, the foodbank sees an increase in demand in December.
So it's not remotely 'news' then, is it?

Sunday, 9 December 2018

Yet More Normalising Of Mental Illness...



...now they even get dedicated gardening tips in local newspapers!

What..?

*googles schizostylis*

Oh....

"It's Right There In The Headline!" Pt 24967


How can you get it right and wrong at the same time?

H/T: Paul Herring via Twitter

Sunday Funnies...

Doesn't cover the myth that Katie Price is somehow considered a celebrity, though...

Saturday, 8 December 2018

I'll Tell You What 'The Reasons' Are, Hamida...

Hamida Ali, Labour cabinet member for Safer Croydon and Communities, today emphasised the need to balance robust sentencing for violent offenders with measures to rehabilitate them.
The violent offender she's pontificating about is this charming fellow.
Councillor Ali said: "Robust enforcement is hugely important and will need to include custodial sentences.
"The judge seems to have taken into account significant contextual factors in coming to her decision, particularly the traumatic experience the defendant suffered in the run up to the attack.
"When we commit someone to a sentence, we have to consider what else we can do to get to grips with the reasons why they commit violence and use weapons, so when the come out they won't reoffend.
"It is as important as the message that a deterrent sends out to the community."
We know the reasons why people like him commit their offences. It's because there's always people like you seeking to absolve them of responsibility for them...
Councillor Ali, representing Woodside, says it is crucial that the work of police and the courts is coupled with a longer term social strategy.
"There is a public consensus that the public health approach is the best."
Is there? Have you asked the public, then?
"There's no one organisation alone that will be able to stop this."
The prison service would do it. If people like you didn't get in their way.
"Elements of the public approach will not be popular as one part of it is the length of commitment we have to make to an area. It's a ten year strategy."
Even Mao only had a 5 Year Plan!