A Statistic....

...I have now become one. A crime statistic, that is.

Last night, I decided, coming out of my local Tube, as a bus was just pulling in, to take the short ride one stop closer to my house. Why not? It was raining, and it wouldn't cost me anything.

And in the heaving queue, I felt something bump my bag. I reflexively checked it - all OK, and got on the bug. In the instant between getting my pass out to flash at the driver and putting it back, another bump. This time when I went to put my pass away, I thought something felt wrong. Stupidly, I saw 'Where's my phone!?' And a man standing by the bus door said 'That Romanian kid took it' and pointed (to what? I could see nothing..) and before I could do or say anything else, the bus driver - who would have heard all this, and said and did nothing, shut the doors and drove off.

So, passwords all changed, crime report made (Oooh, I have a crime number!), service provider aware, new SIM on the way, new phone to buy and set up, and that's that. Just another story of London crime. No biggie, right? Just move on. It's not like it had sentimental value, right?

But now I'll never feel quite the same about crowds and bus queues again. I'll regard anyone standing too close with suspicion.

And I thought I loathed and despised crime and criminals before this. Now, there's nothing so violent, so abhorrent, that I'd consider it too extreme a punishment. Sharia law? BRING...IT....ON!

Blogging and Tweeting will be light for a few days.

He's Seen One Person A Lot, Though....

A man was found with a gas-powered gun, cannabis and £9,000 cash in bags after he was spotted getting into a car by police.

Jamie Cunningham was seen getting into a Vauxhall Astra after leaving a house belonging to a 'Mr Holden' in Blackburn that drugs officers were keeping a close eye on.

Whoops!

Isobel Thomas, defending, said her client had a lesser role in the overall operation. She said her client had mental health problems and described himself as an 'emotional wreck'.

She said: "The main thing that keeps him going is his four-year-old daughter, she lives in Ireland, she spends time with him in the holidays.

"He does not go out much or see many people, he lives fairly isolated existence."

Really? I wonder wh...

Ah! Clearly, the one person he does see a lot of is the local tattooist!

Recorder Killeen said: "You took the bag away for him (Mr Holden), intending to make sure any police did not get it.

"There was no evidence of drug texting on your phone, no evidence to say you were dealing.

"I have taken the view that there is significant mitigation and a serious prospect of rehabilitation."

You've got to be kidding!

No, Love, Your Life Isn't Over...

A dog owner says her life "is over" after her beloved pet was ordered to wear a muzzle in public purely because of its breed.

...well, not until this sort of thing happens. So get a bloody grip!

"She is not an aggressive dog", Anita added tearfully. "But because of her breed, she's automatically deemed a danger.

"You can get aggressive Labradors or German Shepherds, it's almost like racism."

Bloody hell, now even dogs are using the RaceCard!

"So, You Want To Come To Work At The Guardian, Daily Mail Photo Editor?"

"Are you an expert on the natural world?"

"Oh, yes, definitely!"

Return Of The Homophones....

*sighs*

Sunday Funnies...

Having been nearly run down by red-light running cyclists once too often, I think I'd rather have the volcanic eruption....

So, You're Retiring, Eh?

Here's your signed card from the office, a little gift, ands...oh, would you like a last opportunity to make a statement you didn't have the guts for when you just started in the job?

You would? Splendid!

Food should be banned from public transport to stop people snacking on the go, the Government's outgoing chief medical officer has said in her final report.

One hopes the incoming chief medical officer has noted the scorn poured on this by so many commenters and newspapers...

Dame Sally Davies, nicknamed the nation's 'nanny-in-chief' for her bold public health interventions, today delivers her most radical proposals to date.

When no one needs listen to her any more. Fine. I certainly won't!

'We know that snacking is a cause of excess calories in children and adults,' Dame Sally said. 'Years ago we didn't snack - we sat down and ate. I would stop all food and drink except water on urban public transport.'

Yes, she'll allow you water. How munificent! But who is going to enforce this?

She said it would be up to the Government how this would enforced, but added: 'We are a law abiding nation. The vast majority of people would observe it, as they did the smoking ban.'

That might once have been true. Back when 'no-one snacked on trains' (almost certainly at a time when there were smoking carriages, but never mind...). But if she thinks it's true now, she's lost more than a few marbles.

Boris Johnson is opposed to introducing more levies on items high in salt, fat and sugar. In his Tory leadership campaign he said he would review what he called 'stealth sin taxes'.

We'll see. 

Should've Gone To Specsavers, Officers...

A spokesman for Essex Police said: “The officers also used the red dot function of their Taser due to the initial perceived threat the item the man was carrying may have presented.

“Once he had been detained it was established the item he was carrying was a pair of shears and he had been trimming some hedges.”

Hundreds of CCTV clips showing her praying were sent to police, who decided to charge her with harassment.

But when Mrs Jacklin, 53, appeared before Hastings magistrates, the court took less than 15 minutes to throw the case out, to the relief of the mother-of-two and her children.

Sussex Police said: 'The prosecution had been authorised by the CPS. We are not in a position to comment further.'

Remember when our police were admired the world over? I do.

"I'm Willing To Take The Chance This Will Happen To Someone Else..."

James Sexton, the owner of the Rottweilers, was accused of being in charge of a dog dangerously out of control causing injury.

The 40-year-old, of Sycamore Street, Ashington, pleaded guilty to the offence at South East Northumberland Magistrates' Court. His pet could have been put to sleep as a result of the incident, however a plea from the victim not to put it down persuaded magistrates to spare its life.

Well, the 'victim' couldn't plead anything, being dead.

But its apparently brain-dead owner could...

In a statement to the court, Archie's owner, who had him for around eight years, said the incident terrified her and she was devastated by the loss of her pet. However she did not want the Rottweiler to be put down.

She added: "I love animals and never want to see any animal suffer or put down.

"It's my wish that this dog is not put down." She instead said its owner should ensure it was kept in control, especially in public.

So you're quite sanguine about someone else's pet being mauled to death when - as is inevitable - he doesn't?

Some 'animal lover'...

Not Much Of A Mystery, Really...

Mr Rosser added that it was “a mystery” that Tuppein had evaded the courts for so long.

Really?

Mitigating, Gareth Hughes said that Tuppein had fallen into drug dealing as he was a user too.

He added: “For the racial harassment, the defendant was in a hospital bed, he was in pain and said things he wouldn’t have said normally.

“Due to the warrant for his arrest he couldn’t find proper work or apply for benefits.”

Another example from the legal system of killing your parents and demanding clemency because you're now an orphan!

Tuppein, of Octavia Road, Isleworth, appeared at court via video link where he was still using crutches due to his injury when trying to escape.

Caused when a member of the public threw an object at him when he trespassed in his garden.

Judge Ian Graham sentenced Tuppein to six years in prison, saying jail time was “the only way” for him to pay for his crimes.

Well, well, well! He won't serve it all, of course. But here's at least one judge who's no fool.