Gosh, Sounds Fun And Not At All Pretentious!

This year’s Venice Biennale has been tearing itself apart for months: countries not showing up, artists getting fired, exhibitions being cancelled, funding getting pulled. There were petitions and protests months before a painting was on a wall. The jury quit in the days leading up to the opening, then Iran quit, then the European Commission quit. There were protests against Israel and Russia during the preview, artists went on strike and artworks were replaced with installations of Palestinian flags. The whole thing was a massive mess of conflicting politics, personal tragedy and unresolvable ideological differences from the very beginning.

And all this without even mentioning that the curator, Koyo Kouoh, died last year and wasn’t able to see her artistic vision through to completion.

And presumably is now rolling in her grave at what's on offer/ 

Kouoh’s idea for her biennale was to chuck aside the ire and invective of outright political art, and focus on quiet, contemplation and healing.

And how, you may ask Reader, is that expressed? As you would expect, considering the source...

A gathering of glazed creatures by Peruvian artist Celia Vásquez Yui transforms another gallery into a little slice of jungle. Among the endless, anonymous abstractions, there are a bunch of great paintings. Mohammed Z Rahman’s tiny images on matchboxes of shells, flowers, condoms, knobs and skulls are excellent depictions of queer heartbreak. Tammy Nguyen uses her huge, complex canvases to expose links between the cold war and Vietnam. Wardha Shabbir takes the tradition of Pakistani miniature painting and blows it up to maximal scale, resulting in some head-spinningly gorgeous paintings of flowers and foliage.

Well, the glazed animals are cute, looking as they do like garden ornaments from the 'Past Times' catalogue...but it can't last!

The Denmark pavilion is a hi-tech sperm bank, Luxembourg’s features a singing turd, Japan’s forces visitors to look after fake babies. There’s a lifesize chocolate Russell Crowe in the Malta pavilion

And then there's the Austria pavilion...don't ask what's in that, for your sanity's sake

It’s brilliantly obscene and vile.

Ah, art. 

I Think You Should Look Up The Word ‘Gourmand’…

...I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean what you seem to think it means: 

I don’t want to undermine my international standing as a gourmand (you are, after all, looking at the woman who once ate the entire Bella Italia Valentine’s Day menu on her own, in a single sitting) but I think I may be giving up on so-called “adult food”.

Huh? 

It probably says something about my life, in terms of nutrition, shopping and planning, but this week I have eaten: three packets of Pom-Bear crisps, a bowl of Coco Pops, two Bear yoyo bars, a Petits Filous yoghurt and an ice lolly in the shape of a rocket. They were all absolutely delicious.

Well, you do you, Nell... 

When You Really Should Have Heeded The Warning…

Tantra describes itself as “elevated” Indian cuisine, and the front of the building has the word “PROGRESSIVE” emblazoned across it, maybe as a warning to hang on to your pants, because these guys really mean business.

Ooh, I'm off to Edinburgh shortly for a break, is this an establishment to look up, despite the warning, I wonder?  

It’s not an eatery or street-food joint; rather, it is “a streetery”. It’s also a cocktail bar that serves the likes of a Queen of the Dragon, brimming with Midori, Cointreau, prosecco and something called “perfume myst” that comes with a lime-flavoured replica dragon’s tail poking out of a cloud of dry ice. Tantra loves dry ice, and it never knowingly misses an opportunity to open a cloche and waft some of the stuff your way...

Oh. Maybe not. 

The place is as cavernous as an old-school The Hitman and Her-style “niteclub”, painted mostly black and with an interior design theme fever-dream that could be more accurately described as Funkadelic-era George Clinton. There are flashing neon blue lights, patches of plastic greenery hanging from the ceiling, paisley wallpaper and mirrored walls.

Sounds delightful, doesn't it? Usually that sort of theatricality is hiding a deficit in the kitchen department. Is this at least an exception to that rule?  

Less modern streeteries might at this point have offered some poppadoms, but Tantra furnished us with a “crisp board … with progressive regional dips”. This turned out to be seven shards of poppadom in various colours, one of them luminous green, that were plated on blobs of pickle and raita, so some of them had gone soggy.

That's a 'no' then... 

 

“Tantric lamb cutlets” came next, and were so called, I think, because the chops had had a long, hard session under a hot grill and were extremely well done. Like almost everything at Tantra, they were served on a black plate with a flamboyant garnish...

Not Heeding The Warning Signs...

Donna Southby, who was dining with her husband, Mark, and friends at the two-Michelin-starred restaurant on the edge of Snowdonia or Eryri national park, claims she was subject to a tirade of “verbal abuse” from the head chef, Gareth Ward, a feted cook from County Durham known for his uncompromising approach and 30-course menus.

Hmmm, 'uncompromising approach', eh? Were there any other clues that it might not be a pleasant experience..? 

£375-a-head menus at Ynyshir – which describes itself as “ingredient led, flavour driven, fat fuelled, protein obsessed” – consist of a parade of mostly meat and fish courses, from wagyu beef to black cod and caviar. With a DJ “curating” music that cranks up as the night proceeds to a level that one reviewer compared to a “Rotterdam techno dungeon” and atmospheric effects such as birch smoke, dinner takes up to five hours. A couple’s bill can easily pass £1,000 with wine. The restaurant warns: “we do not cater for any dietary requirements and do not offer substitutions for any of the dishes”.

I'm sure the food is good, but Reader, nothing is so good I'd want to put up with that... 

In 2018, Ward told Restaurant magazine: “People say you should cook for your customers. I say fuck that. You should cook for yourself.”

Then why the hell are you running a restaurant?