Wednesday, 8 July 2026

Translating Modern Plod Statements

Allow me to read between the lines to discover the real story behind what seems to have been, at first glance, a tragic car crash.
The driver of the Vauxhall, a man aged 43, was taken to hospital for treatment following the collision and was initially arrested on suspicion of causing death by dangerous driving while unfit through drink or drugs. However he has now been held by police on suspicion of murder and attempted murder.
Detective Chief Inspector Phil Walker, who is leading the investigation, said: 'Following initial enquiries, I can confirm this collision is now being treated as a murder investigation and the suspect has been re-arrested on suspicion of murder.

 'We treated this as a simple collision, because jumping to conclusions is what we do now, but then it turned out we'd been aware of trouble with this man before, so now the IPCC is startuing to turn up the heat'

'My thoughts continue to be with the victim's family and all that knew her. Her next of kin have been informed of this latest development in the investigation and they continue to be supported by specially trained officers.

 'And their main task is to prevent anyone raiding concerns and tipping off the press that we might have dropped a bollock here.'

'I appreciate this update may increase community concern, however please be reassured that there is no risk to the wider public and we are working to piece together the events which led to this tragic incident.

 'We are sweating cobs that nothing surfaces to get us criticised for failing to do anything before this man murdered someone'

'We remain keen to hear from any witnesses or anyone who might have dash cam footage from the area of the collision at the time.

 'Please help us do our jobs even though we won't thank you for it' 

'In addition, any witnesses who have dash cam footage of a black Vauxhall Astra from Cricklade High Street, Purton High Street, and surrounding areas on Tuesday June 30th.'

'Yes, I know every tiny high street in the land is bristling with CCTV but going through them all is boring and we'd rathere you did it for us' 

10 comments:

Lord T said...

I don't know. It is not beyond belief that plod turn up to a car crash, find someone dead and the driver drunk, so they arrest them for causing death by dangerous driving. Then in the course of the investigation they discover other facts and then decide that it looks like a deliberate attempt to kill someone so they up their game and rearrest for murder to make sure that priority is given to it.

So, it pains me to have to defend our state enforcers but here we are. Not all of them are bad.

Anonymous said...

The use of precise and neutral our immediatelanguage by the police is not inherently the problem, I quite understand why they have generally used it in the past. The problem has been the more recent use of this language to mask pertinent details of crimes that don't fit the narrative, one that has been imposed on the police by the socialist elites running the show. Now, whenever us mere mortals encounter such language, our immediate response is to look for what the police are hiding.
Steven

Sobers said...

Yes one has to say that when investigating an RTA, with an obviously drunk and uninsured driver, one would not immediately jump to the conclusion 'This must be a murder!'. In fact what are the odds a fatal RTA will prove to be a murder? Vanishingly small I'd say. Indeed has such a thing ever happened before?

Peter said...

Lord T
What I think you are missing (based totally on the Fail article and guesswork) is that multiple people have phoned 999 to report near misses / problems with the driver during the day, but were all deprioritised due to the lack of response constables (possibly because they were too busy reading twatter to prosecute hurty words because it's easier than dealing with crimes)

Lord T said...

Even so. I would expect them to send out a pursuit vehicle to deal with that. Maybe they couldn't spare one from speeding duty. If you turn up at a RTA and see someone drunk would you link the two instantly. Maybe not while dealing with the RTA but it was soon corrected. Perhaps by someone else who did link them.

Just to be clear. I don't trust plod either but in this case I can understand what went wrong.

Lord T said...

Agree. Don't get me wrong. I don't trust plod any longer but looking at the facts I can understand the initial diagnose and the subsequent correction in this case.

Watchman said...

I have to agree 100% with Peter's comment.
I once stopped a driver from speeding down our bust but narrow street with plenty of witnesses present. I'd phoned 999 and was on the line to the operator who could hear everything.
The had driver got out of his car and started threatening me, all bearable by the Plod. He then kicked a huge dent into my parked car's door, again all while the Plods were listening.
He then got back in his car and sped off.
Despite giving the plod a description, the numberplate and even his place of work from his outfit, they said quite openly that they weren't going to pursue it as, in their words "the car was registered in Essex", but again in their words "he'll probably get stopped a few times".
Despite the witnesses, the video and the Plods own call recordings, NOTHING. Threatening behaviour, criminal damage, speeding, careless driving, NOTHING.
As you rightly say, they were probably far too busy looking for hurty-words on soshul-meejah going after soft targets who won't riot or call them racists or phobic giving the illusion of activity while massaging otherwise lamentable clear-up and detection rates.
As always, the public pick up the tab. Utterly bloody useless. Meanwhile the incitement and the openly genocidal Hate Marches and the pimping4palestine carry on, the Plods instead going after the so-called "far-right" while effectively enabling the marches for murder and hate.
Short of mass firings of most plod command and replacement with proper police and the removal of the toxic leftism rotting the whole structure, I can't see it getting better. In fact it is going to get worse, major crime ignored while lucrative and I creadingly pervasive and multiplying minor "crimes" will be selectively targeted with an eye on not upsetting community relations and "leaders".
As a footnote, The MetPlod STASI have over 900 officers sitting on their arses drinking coffee, trawling social media for hurty-words.

JuliaM said...

No, not all of them are bad. It’s the 99% that give the other 1% a bad name.

JuliaM said...

I’ve never heard of one

JuliaM said...

The police in the UK are no longer worth their hire