But You Don’t – You Know Only What She Chooses To Tell You…

So it was a relief to hear the new home secretary, Shabana Mahmood, articulate clearly that weekend what should always have been Labour’s line on both the English and British flags: that, as the English-born daughter of Pakistani-born parents, she sees herself in them and is “all for” their use as a symbol of unity, but not as a means to exclude and divide.

Oh Gabby, What do you think now she's a proven liar..?

“I’m a patriot, not a nationalist,” she told the Sun on Sunday. And, yes, it would have been better had Keir Starmer said something like that from the start.

Perhaps he didn't want to be caught in a lie so quickly, unlike his DEI hire Home Sec?

The outlines are fuzzy, but in Liverpool there are glimmerings of a new politics of belonging: an aspiration to be what Mahmood called an “open, tolerant, generous” country, welcoming to newcomers, while acknowledging that migrants aren’t the only ones sometimes struggling to find their feet in a multi-ethnic nation.

And how do they feel in Manchester now? Probably the same, since vacuous ‘don’t look back in anger’ acceptance of insanity seems to always reign there. 

The biggest challenge Mahmood now faces, one I have not seen before in my lifetime, is the shocking rise of ethnonationalism. It’s the blood-and-soil politics of those who claim Rishi Sunak isn’t really English despite being born and raised here – a charge not levelled at his US-born, Brussels-raised, white-skinned predecessor, Boris Johnson – or that being Muslim is somehow fundamentally incompatible with living a properly “British” life.

It is, because so many of them cannot seem to. 

We are not an island of strangers, in the words Starmer now regrets using: just an island that needs reminding, sometimes, of who we really are.

Actually,we’ve been reminded of who they are too much, Gabby. And we are sick of it! 

Nowt So Dumb As Nationalist Gourmets

A fraudster who tricked luxury hotels and stores into buying "Scottish-grown tea" that was grown abroad has been found guilty of a £550,000 scam.

Where did he say the plantations were, right next to the haggis ranches? 

Thomas Robinson supplied high-end customers such as Edinburgh's Balmoral Hotel and the Dorchester in London with varieties with names like Dalreoch White, Highland Green, Silver Needles and Scottish Antlers Tea. Trading as The Wee Tea Plantation, he claimed they had been grown on farmland in Perthshire.

What sort of buyers are these places employing? Perhaps they'd all visited the Eden Project, where you can indeed be served locally grown tea, but even a child can understand there's a vast difference in climate between Cornwall and Scotland.

Instead, the tea had been imported, repackaged and then resold at hugely-inflated prices, Falkirk Sheriff Court was told. Robinson also defrauded genuine aspiring Scottish tea growers by selling them plants he claimed were grown in Scotland.

Mad dreamers are so susceptible to conmen...

The 55-year-old, who is also known as Thomas O'Brien or Tam O' Braan, rented a former sheep farm near Loch Tay and began spinning "elaborate lies" to customers. Prosecutors said he created the "CV of a fantasist" (Ed: Good thing for Rachel Reeves that isn't illrgal in and of itself)- claiming among other things that he was a multi-millionaire, a polymer scientist, a former bomb disposal expert and had invented the "bag for life".

He also claimed to have developed a "special biodegradable polymer" that would make the tea plants grow in half the usual time. The court was told it looked like a black bin liner.

Because it's probably exactly what it was.... 

The scam began to unravel in 2017 after Perth and Kinross Council started to check if he had a food processing licence.

Took them long enough!

After a three-week trial jurors took six hours to find him guilty of defrauding tea growers, hotels and tea companies of nearly £553,000 in total. He will be sentenced at a later date, and also faces proceedings under the Proceeds of Crime Act.

They should serve him his own tea when he's doing porridge! 

I’ve No Doubt, But It’s What She Was Doing That Proved Her Downfall…

Nice subheading. Let's try that another way, shall we? 

"The amazing patio work done by Fred West should not be buried by controversy." Hmm, no, doesn't really work, Libby. Does it?

I visited regularly over the years, first as a journalist researching my book about modern childhood and later as a volunteer. Back then, despite the chaos and the flares of violence, there was a heady sense that behind those double doors something magical was happening – and that mustn’t be forgotten in the controversies that surrounded the charity’s collapse a decade later.

If by 'magical' you're referring to sleight of hand on donated taxpayer cash while journalists clapped like demented seals, I guess... 

Batmanghelidjh believed profoundly that love is a doing word. Hot meals, routine, a safe space to come and be listened to, clothing and daily necessities. And hopeful, inspired staff who could do the work they had trained for, free from the numbing constraints of mainstream care policy.

Turned out there was a really good reason for those 'numbing constraints', Libby. 

Why Are We Sending Our Dumbest To University?

A former student carried out sexual assaults at a Scots university after claiming to be conducting radiation testing for the Ministry of Defence.

Wait, what? And who on earth believed him? 

John Beaumont subjected victims to fake medical examinations and even got one to sign the ‘Official Secrets Act’. He convinced three fellow students – two males and a female – the procedures were necessary as they may have been affected by the disaster at the Chernobyl nuclear power station in 1986.

/facepalm 

Mr McElroy yesterday told the Edinburgh hearing one of those targeted in St Andrews ‘went online and noted the accused had been convicted for offences that mirrored what had happened to him.’ The matter was then reported to the police.

University clearly wasn't for them, was it? 

Will The Met Police Wriggle Out Of This One Too?

Two men who made lurid allegations of VIP sexual abuse to police during the disastrous Operation Midland investigation now face being prosecuted for perverting the course of justice, it emerged today.

Witness A and Witness B made a series of disturbing and damaging claims against senior public figures that were eventually debunked.

I do like that 'eventually'...it took a lot longer than a few days, which is all it should have taken... 

A decision not to launch a criminal investigation into their testimonies was made behind closed doors by the Met — the same force that entertained them as witnesses.

Letting people mark their own homework is never a good idea. 

'Acknowledging that in light of its previous involvement the Met would not be the most appropriate force to carry out this investigation, officers are in the process of agreeing terms of reference with an external force so that the matter can be taken forward.'

Let's hope that farce isn't Essex! 

Speaking in 2022, Witness A offered the Mail his own view on why no judicial action has or — he boasted — will ever be taken against him.

'The police know that if they came after me I have a whole load in my back pocket about what they have done,' he said.

'If they want to f*** me then I can really f*** them back.'

We'll see. I suspect your leeway has run out. I certainly hope so. Your anonymity will go too if you're charged, won't it? That's perhaps going to be the most illuminating thing of all. 

There's A Word For This, Your Honour....

...but it's not 'sexist'. Try 'gullible':

A woman drug dealer caught with more than £55,000 worth of cocaine in her home has been spared prison - but a judge insisted the decision was not 'sexist'.

No, you got that right, at least... 

Aaliyah Makanda, who has changed her name from Pauline Millwod, was the 'custodian' of a huge drugs haul at her home in Kingstanding which she blamed her then boyfriend for bringing in.

There was also a 'sophisticated' cannabis factory set up in two of the bedrooms of the home in Boston Grove which was worth £4,200.

No doubt that was his fault too? 

Judge Richard Bond compared the 58-year-old to other 'greedy' dealers who he branded the 'scourge of society'.He also had no doubt her actions warranted imprisonment, but he ruled her case was 'exceptional'.

Oh, and....how, exactly? 

"If women realise they can get away with community orders if they say they are the custodians for their boyfriends of such drugs I'm afraid women are going to be used. It sounds utterly sexist I know. This has been my experience.

"People who have criminal experience - I'm talking about men - ask their partners to look after drugs, there's other items as well. People need to understand they are not going to escape an immediate custodial sentence just because they are looking after their boyfriend's drugs. But it is different in your case."

Yes, yes, we're waiting... 

Judge Bond explained he was suspending the sentence due to the fact the offences dated back to 2017, since which time she had not committed any further crime, and that prior to that she had kept a clean record since 1998.

*blinks* That's it? No dependant children, aged mother, mental health issues..? 

Judge Bond warned her he would send her to prison if she breached the sentence or committed another crime and added: "I don't give second chances. (Ed: Oh, really..?) I think I'm giving you a real chance today."

*sighs*