Sunday Funnies...

 No 10 is a little too on the nose right now....

YRCMIU

An NHS ambulance worker who was let go after her wife tried to beat their boss to death with a hammer has won an unfair dismissal claim against her former employer. Paula Smith had worked for the North West Ambulance Service (NWAS) Trust for 26 years in the Patient Transport Service, helping to transport patients to and from hospital.

A role for which an elemernt of trust should be a requirement due to dealing with the genuinely vulnerable,  so understandably, her employers declsred her a liability. And a tribunal has declared they were wrong to sack her, just because she was in a relationship with an unstable violent woman.

It's as if risk profiling doesn't matter anymore...

She sometimes worked alongside her wife, Stacey Smith, who had a similar role, though the pair were not guaranteed time off together. But after a years-long dispute over shift patterns, Stacey attacked their boss, Michala Morton, in November 2023. Stacey had lain in wait outside Ms Morton's home in Tameside before bludgeoning her head with a hammer, fracturing Ms Morton's wrist as she tried to defend herself. She then sent a text to an unknown acquaintance, writing: 'I've done it. I've smashed her head in. Oppsie (sic) xx!'

And now Paula's in line for a big payout as a result.  I don't know why anyone does the Lotto these days. 

*You really couldn’t make it up! 

Hard Cases Make Bad Law...

Joe and Kate Duffy were devastated and baffled when the man accused of their daughter's murder walked free from court. They had felt certain that Francis Auld would be found guilty of killing 19-year-old Amanda in Hamilton in 1992. But a jury found the charges against him not proven - one of two verdicts of acquittal which could be returned in criminal trials in Scotland.

But not any longer - for ‘progress’, it would seem. Has ever a word been so misused?

Joe and Kate did not initially understand what the jury's verdict meant – and have now spent more than three decades campaigning for the abolition of not proven.

From 1 January, this centuries-old verdict has been consigned to the history books and Scottish trials will end with the accused being found either guilty or not guilty.

Making Scotland no longer unique. 

A common interpretation of not proven was that the jury suspected the accused was guilty, but felt the prosecution had failed to prove the charge beyond reasonable doubt.

Good luck finding that in a law book. As Joe and Kate were to discover, there was no written legal definition of not proven. Over the years, whenever juries asked, all judges could tell them was that it was a verdict of acquittal, just like not guilty. Research has also shown that some people thought - incorrectly - that the accused could be tried again if the verdict was not proven.

If that was a reason for throwing out the baby with the bathwater, it was the wrong one: 

That has been allowed in exceptional circumstances since 2011 under double jeopardy legislation, but the method of acquittal plays no part in that process.

So why the push to throw out centuries of Scottish legal tradition, something native born Scots usually rail against?  

Joe explained: "I've never understood why you can have two verdicts which mean exactly the same thing. 

"The only difference in law between not proven and not guilty is spelling. "That's it. Why do we need them? Either you're guilty or not guilty."

Well, now that's indeed all you can be. It's too early to tell if it's been a terrible mistake or not. I know how I'd vote, though... 

What’s Wrong With The Existing Law Then?

A woman who was filmed giving CPR to a man fatally injured in a road crash is calling for photographs and videos of crash sites to be made illegal.

Oh, presumably because the grieving relatives saw it on social media before being formally advised? Well, actually, no: 

I've since spoken to Dominic's family and they learned from the police initially," Ms Ferris said. "But very soon afterwards they received a message saying, 'I'm so sorry to hear about your cousin' and the video attached - of him lying in the street, in the dark, in the rain. "How that must have felt? I can't even imagine."

Once again, 'feelings' are prioritised by the emotionally incontinent and legislation is demanded to soothe them, with no thought for how such legislation is supposed to work.... 

The mother-of-two is calling for legislation to make it a criminal offence to record at such scenes. "Having been in a video in such tragic circumstances, it beggars belief why people want to do that," she said.

I agree, bur what beggars MY belief far more is why you think you have the right to demand new legislation when there's existing legislation, and it works:

There is already a law in place which makes it an offence to improperly use the public electronic communications network. Last month, a woman was arrested over the alleged sharing of images of a pedestrian who was knocked down and killed in Newry city centre.

See?  

I Don't Think You Really Understood The Reference, Did You?

People have joked that I will become the Lord of the Flies,' Knight laughs.

Who he? Oh, sorry:

The 120,000 sq ft facility, based in Lincolnshire, is aiming to breed millions of larvae to feed British livestock and, eventually, humans. The £1.5 million farm, which has its own chief scientist, aims to produce 3,500 tons of insect protein a year using the black soldier fly, a South American species that is the star of insect farming due to its high protein content and ability to compost waste. The harvested protein will go into pet food and this year, thanks to a change in UK law, feed British pigs and poultry. It will also be utilised to produce oils, fertilisers and other products that can be used in cosmetics and medical products. The facility, owned by group Fairman Knight & Sons, aims to feed the flies and their larvae using vast amounts of food waste produced by UK agriculture.It is the brainchild of Julian Knight, a former City financier, and William Fairman, who has been farming for more than 35 years.

Maybe you should have Googled who the 'Lord of the Flies really is, chum. Certainly seems appropriate for someone pushing this slop...

Those Chickens Coming Home To Roost Look Like Vultures....

Scotland Yard failed to properly vet thousands of officers – allowing rapists, racist and violent offenders to join the force. Two serial rapists are among more than 130 officers and staff let in due to vetting failures who have gone on to commit crimes or misconduct, the Metropolitan Police admitted on Wednesday. In a scandal which will raise questions about criminals in uniform across the UK, the Met was one of at least six forces to secretly drop employment checks on new recruits in a rush for extra cash as part of an attempt to find 20,000 new officers.

And not just any old Tom Dick or Harry off the streets would do - HR had a Pantone colour chart of the shades of diversity they'd need to hire to suit the government. 

Details emerged in a bombshell Met recruitment audit which revealed the Home Office [and] National Police Chiefs Council (NPCC) were aware that some other forces in England were not taking references' of new recruits despite the obvious risk to the public.

The Daily Mail has learnt that the Met was one of six forces to admit in a NPCC survey that it had 'deviated' from national police regulations during the £3billion Police Uplift Programme between July 2019 and March 2023. But sources said the true number may be higher as some forces failed to respond to the NPCC poll.

Probably because they already knew what those poll results would show.  Scary to think it could be worse than the Met, though:

David Carrick, one of the UK's worst sex offenders now serving 37 life sentences for attacks on 14 women, and Cliff Mitchell, a serial rapist who called himself 'the devil', were among Met officers not properly vetted in the scramble to meet recruitment targets. Mitchell kidnapped and raped a woman at knifepoint in 2023 after being welcomed into the Met in 2020 – despite being previously investigated for six counts of rape against a child. Although there had been concerns about his recruitment, a vetting panel aimed at boosting diversity overturned a decision to reject his application.

DEIhiring is a very very bad idea. It's bad enough when it happens in the Prison Service  

Well, I'll Be A Monkey's Uncle....

Have you ever seen someone walking their pet monkey down the seafront in Sheringham, Holkham or Cromer? For an area that had no registered monkeys living in it as of 2023, an official warning about keeping primates as pets might seem pretty bananas.

You're not kidding. 

But North Norfolk District Council has issued an official statement urging anyone who privately owns a monkey in Norfolk to get a licence before April 6.

The comments, it's fair to say, didn't go as planned.   

Why this legislation in the first place?

 They aim to improve the lives of "intelligent primates with complex emotional, social and cognitive needs that are difficult to meet in most domestic environments".

So are we. Couldn't legislation seek to improve our lives for once? Oh well, I'm sure it won't make anything worse, at least... 

Monkey owners with just one ape to their name must also expand their troop and buy some more primates if they want a chance of getting approved. Under the new law, pet monkeys must be kept in "social groups" unless a vet advises otherwise.

 *sigh* I should know better by now...

In 2023, a survey by wildlife charity Born Free revealed how many exotic licensed animals were living in Norfolk.It found that only one monkey - a black and white ruffed lemur - was being kept as a pet in Nelson's County, in Breckland.

Typical local newspaper - lemurs are primates, but they are not monkeys. 

Relax, They'll Still Be Traditionally Painful When You Step On One In Bare Feet...

People are outraged that technology is being used to improve something again....

Tom Donaldson, senior vice president at the Lego Group, claimed the new smart brick system “brings creativity, technology and storytelling together to make building worlds and stories even more engaging, and all without a screen”.

Some people just seem to want to complain about every change to childhood favourites - I understand why, as so often it turns out not to be an improvement at all, but a response to some snowflake who wants things to be more 'multicultural', but this seems to be a genuine improvement!  

The smart bricks communicate with each other and will even decide whether enough accurate laser blasts have been delivered to achieve destruction. The smart bricks also emit light and play music. At a demonstration of the new toys, a Lego executive explained that, when playing with Darth Vader’s craft, “once in a while you get The Imperial March, just to get the vibe going”.

As a kid, who wouldn't want that? What could the objection possibly be?  

...some argue new ‘Smart Play’ technology undermines the Danish construction toy’s gift for harnessing a child’s own imagination.

Well, imagination doesn't seem to be something valued in children anymore, since they might use it in ways policymakers don't like. 

For Once, I Doubt It's The Police Letting Women Down...

Women who report men filming up their skirts are having their ordeals ‘minimised’ by police as figures reveal less than one in six cases result in a criminal charge.

The police don't charge, they just arrest and gather evidence - that's the purview of the CPS.  

Analysis of so-called ‘upskirting’ in the past two years shows police logged almost 800 allegations, yet just 118 ended up in court. Despite new laws being introduced in 2019 to better protect women, critics fear many victims are still failing to secure justice.

Then point the finger at the right culprits.  

Andrea Simon, director of the End Violence Against Women Coalition, said police were still failing to take women seriously over the issue, adding: ‘Upskirting is a traumatic violation in its own right, and can form part of a wider pattern of offending that includes rape and other forms of sexual violence. 

‘We’ve long called for non-contact sexual offences to be taken more seriously. However, the reality is that they are often minimised when reported, with police frequently failing to investigate them properly or recognise patterns of offending. 

‘This leads to missed opportunities to prevent further abuse. Upskirting has been a specific criminal offence since 2019, but the low number of prosecutions shows that criminalisation alone is not the solution.’

Oh good grief. Way to paint women as unserious hysterical exaggerators, Andrea! Thanks for that... 🙄

Home Office figures show that in the past two years police logged 772 upskirting offences, of which 118 saw somebody charged and taken to court, while 11 accepted a caution. In 265 cases a prime suspect was identified, but problems gaining evidence meant they were not charged. Another 201 cases were shelved as officers could not track down a suspect, with 17 cases closed after a community resolution was reached, often an apology from the offender.

The police's hands are tied by the need to gather enough evidence to suit the CPS who will only prosecute if it's a slam dunk (or is it's something Starmer is politically interested in). 

The Perfect 'Rebellion' For The Modern Generation...

Fan fiction is democracy in its purest, most chaotic form. It’s the people seizing the means of production. Every “what if?” is a tiny revolution.

Yes, some blue-haired nose-ringed creature leeching off a genuine creative to make up a wish-fulfillment screed is a sign of the times, of course. And it's only fitting the 'Guardian' should consider it worthy of a column. 

Because fan fiction isn’t just rewriting, it’s repairing. It’s giving yourself the closure you need when the author won’t.

How very DARE an author write the story they want to write!  

It’s deciding that pain can end differently, that love can be louder, that characters who were doomed in print get to live this time. It’s literature written by people who refused to move on and sometimes these people spell really badly (and that is completely OK). And yes, it’s rebellion.

No it's not. The people of Iran are showing you what rebellion is. It's risk and heartache and peril, not scribbling a different ending to a classic or popular story because it didn't end the way you wanted.  

Against gatekeeping, against prestige, against the assumption that stories only count when they make money. Fan fiction exists because readers loved something so much they refused to let it die.

Who IS this moron, anyway? 

Urooj Ashfaq is a Mumbai-based comedian, writer and actor.

Ah.