The Usual Questions, The Usual Answers…

An MPs' committee says a knife-crime "arms race" has developed...

No, not some ’Crocodile Dundee’ style escalation in weaponry that would eventually see thugs wielding broadswords on the streets of Croydon, but more of a proliferation, with teenagers claiming to carry knives ‘because everyone else does’…

The Home Affairs Committee said knife carrying was driven by teenagers lacking faith in police and parents.

Oh, really? I lack faith in the police and most modern parents too. Where’s my knife..?!

And guess what the answer is. No, go on, guess…

Did you guess ‘more money and resources for the target population’? If so, well done:

The MPs said knife crime plans should target complex root causes in deprived inner cities in England and Wales.

Well, that’s never worked before, but hey, it’s only (taxpayers) money, after all…

Any more bright ideas for us?

They also called on the government to ban violent video games from secure units and young offender institutions.

From those already locked up for violent offences? Stable door, horse, bolted….

I mean, I’d rather see them breaking rocks in the prison yard than hunched over an Xbox playing ‘Death Race 2000’ in their cells, just as a punishment, but as a prevention measure, it’s a little pointless, no?

Of course, each party then wheeled out their spokesman to counter the government’s dull recitation of meaningless stats on how well the tractor quotas were coming along in response.

First up, Call-Me-Dave’s man:

Shadow home secretary Chris Grayling said: "The committee is absolutely right to say that we need to tackle the root social causes of knife crime.

"But we've also got to be much tougher on those committing acts of anti-social behaviour to prevent them from going on to commit more serious offences, like knife crime, later in life."

Oooh, nicely done. A little bit of ‘Yes, well, ok…’ and then straight onto the ‘let’s crack down on the thugs!’ for the cheap seats, no doubt to be forgotten when Call-Me-Dave sweeps to power and it’s business as usual.

While the Limp Dumbs fell back on their usual ‘a little from column A, a little from column B’ with an added dose of ‘let’s collect more stats!’:

And Liberal Democrat home affairs spokesman Chris Huhne said: "This report rightly suggests that knife crime is far too complicated a social problem to be solved with threats of prison alone.

"We need to move away from political posturing towards what we know works to combat knife crime.

"The best place to start is to ensure that every hospital shares data with their local police force to map knife crime hot-spots and police them intensively."

Perhaps we should put them online too, so we know where to avoid in future?