Yet More Zoological Fun At The 'Mail'...

I always wondered what a baby rhino was called!

It's The Unique Way It's Funded...

Journalism, folks...!

H/T: Stephen Brown via email

Sunday Funnies...

I'm glad to see neither Don Johnson not Bruce Willis made the cut, but then their efforts were considerably better...

Yes, I do have their albums!

Post Title Of The Month

I think Anna Raccoon might just as well have this award in perpetuity:

Quote Of The Month

LegIron on the modern 'Eat no XXXX' trend:

"Nowadays medical research focuses on single issues. Salt, sugar, fat… these are irrelevancies. By the way, did you know that if you don’t have enough sodium in your diet your body takes it from your bones, making them brittle? The zero salt diet will make you die like a washed up jellyfish. Something modern medicine seems to want to happen.

None of it matters. Burn more calories than you eat, you lose weight. Eat more calories than you burn, you gain weight. It’s really no more complicated than that.

I guess there’s no research money in the obvious answer."

Post Of The Month

Fahrenheit211 has the measure of Jeremy Corbyn....

Save Us! Save Us From The Tyranny!

It’s 10.30am on a Monday and already the smell of cakes is wafting towards your desk. The colleague, who usually does a spot of baking over the weekend, has been up all night making cupcakes and an email has just flown around about their latest goodies. Later in the day another email pings into your inbox, this time it’s an update – there’s still some cakes left and also sweets have been purchased. The treat table, where confectionary congregates, is now overflowing. Someone has even been to M&S and bought a Colin the Caterpillar cake.

Wow! Can I come and work in your office?

If this sounds all too familiar then you might be interested to hear that last month professor Nigel Hunt, from the Royal College of Surgeons, argued that cake culture is fuelling obesity and dental problems.

Oh oh....

Warnings like this may seem alarmist or even exaggerated...

No! Really?

...but cake culture at work has certainly grown in recent years. Gone are the days of the occasional birthday sponges, and our offices are starting to look more like patisseries. This comes at a time when we are facing a national obesity crisis: the UK is on track to have the highest obesity levels in Europe.

You clearly never heard the phrase 'correlation is not causation', did you?

Arguably you don’t have to take the snacks, and, as an adult, you should be able to say no.

*nods* Indeed so. End of problem?

What’s more, some people (myself included) simply do not have the willpower.

And....that's other people's problem how, exactly...?

We are teaching ourselves bad habits at work, and it’s time to break them. We’ve rallied against turkey Twizzlers in school, the fast food industry and ready meals – so why do we ignore the rising amount of cake and sweets that are filling our workplaces?

What's this 'We'..? I can't say I've ever rallied against it.

It's a free country. Want to eat Turkey Twizzlers? Go right ahead!

Instead of bringing your colleagues cakes, urge them to get up from their desk and go for a break. If your energy levels are crashing you probably need a screen-break rather than a snack. What we need is less work on our plates, not more cake.

Anyone urging me up out of my desk for some State-inspired calisthenics is dicing with death...

"'Ave You Got A Licence For That, Mr Sabatier..?"

Caroline Shearer set up weapons awareness charity Only Cowards Carry in November 2012 after her son, Jay Whiston, 18, was stabbed to death at a house party in Colchester in 2012.

She said swords, meat cleavers and extreme knives cause additional problems in the fight against knife crime because so many deadly weapons are already available in homes.

She said: “Zombie killers are really, really bad, but when you look at it, over 53 per cent of stabbings are with knives from people’s kitchens.”

Well, quite!

Mrs Shearer said websites should only be allowed to sell the weapons for legitimate reasons.

While martial artists might have grounds to buy a sword, she believes other weapons such as blades made to look like credit cards, sharpened earrings and umbrella swords have no legitimate purpose.

Lots of things have 'no legitimate purpose' but people collect them. Why even bring this up, if knives are everywhere? After all, it's not like we could ever prevent...

Oh.

She said: “I really believe all knives should be licensed. That way if someone is carrying one there has to be a reason.

“For example, if you are a fisherman you may need to have a knife, but that would be licensed.

“The licence fee would then fund the education the kids need. That’s what I would like to see.”

*speechless*

Totally Barking!

OK, we all remember Barking and Dagenham's flirtation with doggy do DNA analysis, don't we?

In a drive to reduce dog mess, people who fail to clean up after their pets will see them shamed with canine photofits, or “pugshots”, put up in public places and published in a council newsletter.

DNA taken from samples of dog faeces will be issued to create a computer-generated image of the offenders. Key information taken from the samples will include gender, coat texture, length and colour and nose and eye colour.

*boggle*

The council has spent £5,000 informing residents about the scheme, which is expected to fund itself as owners must pay to have their dogs DNA registered.

I can't find, anywhere, any news on how many fines have been issued (never mind actually paid).

Silly Season Gets Better Every Year...

A woman has started a petition to bring in legislation for dangerous cats after her Nan was left in hospital after being attacked by a cat in her own garden.

Yes, you read that right. I know, I had trouble with it myself...

Norfolk Police were informed of the incident but no action was taken.

A spokesperson for the force said: “No criminal offence was committed and the issue was not something for the police to resolve. We advised the caller to speak to the landlord and try and resolve the problem through some kind of mediation.”

You misspelled 'medication', I think....

Ms Crowe said: “I just want people to sign the petition so we can get something similar to the dangerous dog act. If I kicked a cat I can get prosecuted but even though that cat bit my nanny nothing can done to the cat or the owner.

“I don’t want it put down or anything. I just want it assessed by the RSPCA and re-homed somewhere away from elderly people.”

I want people like you put in the stocks for public ridicule, but I suppose I'll have to swap them for the local paper...

It Seems Police Dogs Are As Unable To Spot Villains These Days As The Police Themselves...

The dog had been taking part in a training exercise on the former Camelot theme park on Friday, July 1 when the incident happened.

Dominic alleges he was left bleeding for “a good hour” before being de-arrested and taken to hospital for treatment.

He was originally held on suspicion of going equipped to steal but now GMP says an inquiry has begun after the dog “unexpectedly detained” Dominic.

Heh! I do love the amazing lengths they go to in order to avoid saying 'attacked'...

Chief Inspector Mark Dexter of GMP’s Specialist Operations branch said: “During the exercise, which involved searching an open area within the site, one of the police dogs unexpectedly detained a man next to the perimeter fence just outside the site.

“The dog’s handler attended shortly after and brought the dog back under control before further enquiries were made at the scene and as a result the man was initially arrested on suspicion of going equipped to steal.

“He was de-arrested in order to receive hospital treatment and in line with standard policy the incident was referred to the GMP Professional Standards Branch.

How 'shortly after' are we talking about here?

“I know the images of the man’s injuries appear quite distressing and will understandably cause some concern but I would like to assure everyone that we are investigating this matter and will be looking to speak with the injured man as a matter of urgency to better understand what happened.”

Didn't you speak to him at the time, when you were falsely arresting him?

I Think We Can All Figure Out What She Was Doing With It, Can't We?

A woman stabbed a mother-of-four in the leg, narrowly missing a major artery, in a revenge attack which started with a food fight outside a Bristol branch of Greggs.

Chavtastic!

Tabitha Macfarlane, defending Meaker, said: "The sadness is that Elisha and Danielle used to be friends. "She says she is dreadfully sorry. That sounds pretty trite but she genuinely is."

Jane Chamberlin, defending mum-of-two Kayleigh Martin, said: "She accepts it is her fault it happened. "She was intending to fight Miss Davies because of what happened that day."

Well, that's nice. If oh so predictable.

The judge told Meaker: "These are particularly serious offences. Quite what you thought you were doing with a knife at that incident one just doesn't know."

One needs to get out more, then...

Local Newspapers Are Closing Their Comments Sections In Droves...

...I wonder why?

A spokesman for Greater Manchester Police said: "There is nothing to suggest that this wasn't an unprovoked attack.

"The woman has been grabbed, thrown to the ground and the offender has banged her head against the ground, causing injury.

"We have been given a description of a man who was black, 5ft 9in, skinny, and wearing a red hoodie with the hood pulled up and black tracksuit bottoms.

"He is suspected of the assault, but there may be nine other people involved."

Inquiries are ongoing and officers are examining CCTV footage of the attack.

Could it be because they sometimes show things in a rather different light?

Something to ponder.

The NHS - How Much More Evidence Do You Need..?

...that it doesn't work for you, but for itself?

Many patients with diabetes are at risk of blindness, amputation and even death because so few of them attend courses about how to manage their condition, a leading charity has warned.

Wah! Wah! The Terrible Toree Cutz are starving us of resources!

But wait. Maybe not:

Diabetes UK said the failure of many local NHS organisations around England was a key reason for the tiny number of patients attending courses.

The charity discovered last November that about a third of GP-led clinical commissioning groups – 72 out of the 208 that responded to a freedom of information request – did not commission diabetes courses, even though all CCGs are meant to do so.

Oops!

Patients who attend can benefit by, for example, losing weight, lowering their cholesterol or blood-sugar level or reducing their blood pressure.

Anecdotal evidence from patients suggests that many health professionals do not highlight the importance of participating in education courses to newly diagnosed patients, and that often when classes are laid on, they are at times that many people find inconvenient.

But timers that GPs find immensely convenient, I'll bet.

"They didn’t even have time to grieve properly."

Mrs Robinson said the couple were ‘arrested straight away at the hospital’ and held in custody.

Speaking from her home in Tamworth, she added: ‘They are devastated ... They are not hiding anything. The police are quite willing to accuse the parents who would never do anything to their children.’

She went on: ‘I think [their arrest] is a formality. They have to investigate it. It’s [as if] because you weren’t with your child at the time you’re guilty, but that’s not always the case.’

 Indeed it isn't.

West Midlands Police has issued a statement confirming the child was aged 18 months and fell from the seventh floor.

The force said: "Police are investigating after a child fell from the seventh floor of a block of flats in Great Hampton Row, Hockley, at around 11.55am yesterday (Monday).

"The child, aged 18 months, tragically died at the scene.

"The death is currently being treated as unexplained and a post-mortem examination will take place in due course.

"The coroner has been informed."

Odd how they haven't arrested anyone. Wonder why?

Chav Bloodlines - Harder To Extinguish Than A Cockroach...

The judge, Mrs Justice Carr, agreed to an adjournment based on medical information provided to the court.

However, she described it as "woefully inadequate", adding: "I am no medical expert but I'm not sure the delay is in anyone's interests, in any point of view.

"The sentencing process is going to happen and I am not going to delay it until after the birth. She [Riley] has to be sentenced. The sooner that happens the better."

The child's death was in 2014...

It was not stated in court who the new baby's father is.

Or what?

Sounds Like A Fair Exchange....

Shaun Draycott, defending, said: “At lot of people will have a perception of a strong, tough rugby player, able to handle anything.

“However we have had the sight today of a man who it’s fair to say can look pretty terrifying in possession of a rugby ball, reduced to tears in respect of his dogs’ future.

“So much so he has indicated that if it were possible, he would trade his freedom for the lives of his five dogs.”

Put him down instead.

So, Forensics Must Be Busy...

...trying to figure out if Thor is even in their DNA database.

You've Only Lost 10% Of Your Trust..?

Well, he's got nothing to worry about, then, has he?

Sunday Funnies...

You mean, advertisers lie to us? Say it ain't so!

So, It's OK To Blame A Victim Of Robbery Or Vehicle Crime..?

Pupils in Bristol were given the leaflets, which said “R U Asking 4 It?” on the front cover, at the Only Yes Means Yes event last week.

They were produced nearly 10 years ago and were aimed at student safety following a spate of robberies and vehicle crime.

So..?

Well, there's Virtue Signalling to be done here, of course. To the Smugmobile!

Teenagers from the North Bristol Post-16 Centre took to Twitter to criticise the police for handing out the leaflet.

Eloise Mainstone wrote: "We should be teaching people not to rape, not teaching us how to avoid it."

Damn! Why didn't anyone else think of that? It's so simple! *slaps forehead*

Avon and Somerset Police said the leaflets were "inappropriate" for the session and would be destroyed.

Wait, what? Are they no longer useful for the intended purpose? I'm pretty sure they are. Let's check:

Yup, seems like it's still prevailing wisdom amongst the boys in blue that taking precautions against crime is sensible.

So...why can't it work the other way around?

But no. The SJWs must be appeased, not just with abject apologies and denials of basic common sense...

Chief Inspector Marie Wright, force lead for rape and sexual assault, said: "Any suggestion that a victim of rape or sexual assault can ever, in any way, be to blame
is totally unacceptable and is the exact opposite of the message we've worked so hard to get across through our 'This is not an excuse' campaign.

"Our stance couldn't be clearer and the students were right to challenge the incorrect message.

...but also with a sacrificial burning of the 'offending' material:

"We're sorry this has happened. I will personally ensure a correct session is delivered to the students involved and have already arranged for the leaflets handed out, which are nearly 10 years out of date, to be destroyed."

Can she be arrested for wasting taxpayer money?

#GenerationSnowflake Finds Paid Work!

...mostly, it seems, finds it beneath their dignity:

I've been working in the room-service department of a five-star hotel for six months.

Good going! Want a cookie?

...the beauty of our service is that all guests are treated equally as nicely — whether we like you or not.

Errr, well, yes. Why is that a surprising concept?

Saying that, your hotel experience will be much more enjoyable if we do like you. So here are some important do's and don'ts for your next stay, from the girl who brings you breakfast and restocks your mini bar.

Important, eh?

Delivering breakfast to people who are half-dressed (or worse) is not really how I like to start my day.

Well, perhaps you should have found another job?

Comment on the weather, ask how our day is going, or tell us about your stay so far. This is a great way for us to assess how happy our guests are.

Is that a big concern for you then? It really doesn't sound as if it is...

Although I'm sure my managers feel otherwise, I don't like it when guests take items from their mini bars.

Ummm, what? You do know the inflated prices on those things help to fund your wages, right?

The mini bars in each room of our hotel contain over 20 different kinds of snacks and drinks, and I'm in charge of restocking them — meaning that I have to review a master list in every single one of our 144 rooms every day to figure out if anything's missing.

Then, I have to bring the items to each room via a very badly designed, top-heavy cart, or, if it's not on the cart, I have to run across the entire hotel to get it from the supply closet. This whole process can take over three hours.

Oh noes! You poor little darling! The horror..!

No-one told me there'd be restocking involved!

Some people are overly critical, but others are afraid to speak up if they aren't satisfied. As long as you tell us nicely, we really do want to hear if there's something we can do to make your stay more pleasant.

OK. love, here goes. REFILL THE BLOODY MINIBAR WITHOUT WHINING!

There. How's that?

#VirtueSignalling Level: Boss

Harold Saunders, of Basildon, was on his way to work at 5.30am when he went to the BP garage, off of the Roundacre roundabout, Basildon.

On his way in, he was stopped by a man who gave him some money and asked him to buy a coffee on his behalf.

As an opening gambit to begging more money for drugs or booze.

Mr Saunders said: “I asked him why he couldn’t buy himself a coffee.

“He said that they wouldn’t allow him to go in to the petrol station because he is homeless.

“I told to him to come in with me.

“He initially refused but after some persuasion he came into the store with me.

“I immediately asked the cashier why he wouldn’t serve the homeless man a drink and he pointed me towards the manager.”

With an eye-roll of epic proportions, I suspect...

When Mr Saunders spoke to the manager, he was told that it is BP policy to not serve homeless people at the garage.

Mr Saunders said: “I asked him how he sleeps at night.

Probably pretty well. Why wouldn't he?

“I left and gave the gentlemen my latte.

“I was honestly shocked and appalled at how such a large company are conducting themselves on such a small matter.

“I know the homeless seem to congregate outside the BP, but instead of being proactive they are being negative towards them which in my eyes is bang out of order.

“BP makes billions in profits annually.

“They should be feeding the homeless or even setting up little charities to help them, not treating them like this.

“They should hang their heads in shame.

“They made him feel like he was completely nothing.

“It’s an absolute disgrace what they did.”

*yawns* Oh. Have you finally finished? Sorry, I dropped off there for a minute...

Surprisingly, for once, BP showed a bit of backbone:

BP has defended its decision, saying the garage has a problem with a group of homeless people who congregate on the forecourt.

A spokesman from BP said: "We work to ensure our stores are safe and meet the requirements of all our customers.

"We do not have any policy that discriminates against customers who may be homeless.

"We will, however, decline to serve those who disrupt our business or our other customers.

"In recent months, we have had an issue with a number of individuals persistently loitering and begging for money outside the store on our Basildon site, disrupting our other customers.

"We have made clear to these individuals that their presence is disrupting our business and we will not serve them."

/applause

Let's see more of this from big companies, faced with this sort of thing.

Some Of His Friends Were Prats Too...

Tributes were paid to Mr Simpson today and flowers and messages have been left at the scene.

Friend Anthony Pratt, 29, a welder said: “He was such a lovely guy, always smiling and good to be around. These guys who perform the stunts are amazing and attract huge crowds from miles around. It’s like a family day out.

“They should not have been doing what they [did] but there are no facilities for this kind of thing. He died doing what he loved but it’s a tragedy — our hearts go out to his family.”

Funny. I don't recall any of my childhood 'family days out' being anything like this...

Why Do They Do This?

Well, because it works:

Scholasticah Rowland had been married to her 57-year-old husband Robert for 17 years when he lost his battle with cancer last August.

Ever since his death, Mrs Rowland, 54, of Crayford Way, says she has been fighting EDF Energy over an unpaid bill of £292.

She claims her husband always paid for energy bills, and that she wanted the last one written off as a gesture of goodwill.

*blinks*

“These people care more about making money rather than people’s emotions.

“Instead of mourning my husband’s death, I’m constantly thinking of EDF. It’s like cutting my wound which is already open. I can’t carry on like this.”

Errr, they're a business, love. While I'm sure it's a personal tragedy for you, why exactly should they care?

After being contacted by News Shopper, EDF agreed to credit Mrs Rowland's account with the full amount owed for the bill.

There you go! Got bills you can't pay with a utility company? Get a sob-story in the local paper in an attempt to guilt-trip them into waiving them.

All you have to lose is your last scrap of dignity and self-respect...

He Probably Spent More Than That On Dog Food...

Mr Briggs has been left with only half an index finger on his right hand and suffers constant pain since the terrifying attack in November near his home in Allenton. His three-year-old labrador, Rex, got away with just scratches. A court heard it was the third time the bull terrier had been involved in an incident. It has now been put to sleep.

Its owner, Balkar Bath, 25, of Osmaston Road, Derby, appeared at Southern Derbyshire Magistrates' Court and admitted being the owner of a dog which was dangerously out-of-control. He was ordered to pay Mr Briggs the compensation. But with Bath only paying £10 a fortnight, it will take more than 20 years for Mr Briggs, 43, of Osmaston Road, to receive the full sum.

Bath was also banned from having a dog for five years.

He should have been banned for as long as he's still paying the compensation...

Surely The Answer Is Literally Within Your Own Grasp?

Animal lovers are calling for urgent action to fix the broken fence, next to the c2c line in Old Leigh. Alan Clary, owner of Bubbles Pet Care, in Broadway, Leigh, is demanding work takes place to prevent any further deaths.

Couldn't they just keep their bloody animals on a lead? Wouldn't that solve the problem?

Mr Clary, of Eastwood Road North, Leigh, 50, told the Echo: “It’s not the first dog to get on there and get hit. Other dogs have died there.

“At the end of the week I’m going to go down there and have a look at the fencing. Someone has got to do something, Network Rail haven’t. A dog could also cause a derailment.”

It'd have to be a bloody big one! It's not like the driver might swerve, is it?

Peter Wexham, Lib Dem councillor for Leigh, is aware of the problem and is going to do all he can to get the fences sorted out as soon as possible.

He said: “I knew it had happened, it’s quite upsetting. Something certainly needs to be done.

“I will get on to the council and Network Rail and get them to check the fences.”

Why don't you simply tell your local voters to try some self-help?

An amazing invention!

He Doesn't Sound Like A Danger To The Public, Does He?

Kate Batty, for the prosecution, accused Imran of acting “The big ‘I am’,” in his neighbourhood, walking the streets and asking people: “What are you staring at?”

After the verdict, John Boumphrey, Imran’s barrister, said there may have been some element of provocation.

“There was an unwise coming together of these two people, under the circumstances,” he said.

Imran had mental health problems and learning difficulties.

Wonderful...

He was under the care of a psychiatrist and would find custody particularly difficult.

Probably shouldn't be wandering the streets attacking strangers with a hammer, then.

Imran had not been assessed as a danger to the public and would be released from prison when he had served half his sentence, Recorder Smith said.

Hopefully, to live next door to Recorder Smith...

Yale's Gone Downhill Fast, Then..?

Jocelyn Winfrey, 53, was visiting friend Hamilton Hicks, a professor at Yale School of Medicine. at his New Haven, Connecticut home on June 20 when his dogs unexpectedly attacked.

Hicks and other building residents couldn't stop Winfrey from losing her eyes, one leg and much of her face.

Cops say when they arrived, they found Hicks in possession of three bags of crack cocaine.

/facepalm

Where's The 'Support' For The Community?

Sentencing, the judge said: “I am sure that you understand that the offences that you have admitted are serious offences and in particular what you said and did to that police officer must have been very alarming for him.

“If I were to send you to prison, giving credit for your pleas of guilty, I would not be sentencing you for very much longer.

“Because of your need for support, I am going to take a different course.”

Judge Flewitt handed Eccleston the community order for three years and told the defendant that support will be available ‘as long as you need it’.

So, the next time he's on a magic mushroom rampage with a knife & chainsaw, maybe just shoot him, and do the community a favour...

"Wait, We Have To Entertain Our Own Kids Now? OUTRAGE!!"

Monkey Bizness in Lewes usually charges £6.25 for children aged 4 to 12 years old in off peak periods which they describe as Monday to Friday during term time.

However yesterday, as members of the National Union of Teachers striked (sic), parents who visited the soft play said they were charged £1 extra - the prices charged at weekends and during school holidays.

Well, since demand increased on their services and they needed more staff to cover, of course they did. Who couldn't possibly see the sound business reasons for...

Oh, Wait.

Posting on Facebook, ‎Samantha Morris‎ wrote: "Doubling your prices on teachers strike day?

"We come every Tuesday lunchtime and it costs £4, I'm shocked you have exploited parents by putting the price up to £7.50 because the teachers are striking!"

Julie Marchant wrote: "Absolutely disgusting I've just looked on there (sic) website and it says nothing about teacher strike day at all. Monkey Bizness should be ashamed."

Vicki Melville-Reed wrote: "Revolting, greedy behaviour. This strike is necessary for the schooled children of the UK.

"Every parent I know is standing by the teachers, these teachers have chosen to lose pay so the government will hopefully listen to them, to do right by the children.

"Parents are having to take time off work to look after their children, perhaps losing money or holiday time. Successful companies like Sealife and Drusillas are standing by the teachers and the parents but not Monkey Bizness."

*sighs* Figures. Chavmums can't, of course...

Generation Neoteny...

Tom Currie worked as a barista and bartender at a seaside restaurant on the Hibiscus Coast near Auckland, but has decided to jack that in to find digital creatures on his phone instead.

What a time to be alive!

"My dad sent through a text message saying he always knew I would be famous."

Your dad can't spell 'infamous', clearly...

Tom says he will go back to work once his Pokemon adventure comes to an end.

I bet employers will be queuing up at his door.

H/T: CJ Nerd via email

Not As Angry As Your English Teachers...

...assuming that they themselves didn't speak like this.

Remember, Government Employs Only The Best...

Errr...

Sunday Funnies...

You just know No. 5 is getting hacked within 3 days of deployment...

Well, This Helps To Explain The 'No Consequences' Generation...

Rekha bought the cottage, her first home, in 2010 for £162,500. She spent years and £30,000 doing it up before moving in in 2013.

But it was during the renovation - and when her builder carried out alterations to the roof without listed building consent - that her ordeal began. Although she did get retrospective consent for the work, her neighbour took her to court.

Representing herself, Rekha was found against by a judge. He ruled stones belonging to the neighbour, a ‘key architectural feature’ had been removed, ordered she pay costs and damages, and denied an appeal. She paid £17,000 but was served with an outstanding bill of £72,000.

Rekha thinks that's not fair.

Rekha, who is now living with her parents in Stalybridge and works three jobs, says her decision not to pay is a moral one.

She added: “The court case broke me, totally broke me. I had tried to set up instalments but they ignored me.

“In the end I thought it would be criminal to pay and fuel these bullies. It’s never been about the money - it’s about right and wrong. I feel morally obligated to stand up to them. I teach hundreds of kids. If I can’t do what’s right how am I supposed to teach them to do what’s right?”

I think your example is going to teach them a few of life's lessons, Rekha, albeit maybe not in the way you think it will...

Dawn Foster Getting It Wrong Yet Again...

Last week, in Sidcup, south-east London, a group of people gathered to protest on a residential street.

One local woman told the local paper she was scared for the safety of her five children: “It’s awful because I’m worried for my kids, I have a baby of 18 months. I won’t be leaving them to play in our garden any more. Nothing like this has ever happened here.”

So what had happened? The Home Office had moved a number of asylum seekers into a property on the street, and residents stood outside the property protesting and according to witnesses, “being vile and very intimidating”. You can attempt to gloss over the actions of the group and attribute kinder motives, but stating that having asylum seekers near your home means immediate threat of child-snatching is outright racist, borrowing centuries-old tropes.

 Well, not really, Dawn. It might be they'd just read the morning paper, mightn't it?

The protest led to the eviction of 20 asylum seekers from the property (and the fact that 20 people lived in one property illustrates how cramped and poor the conditions were likely to be).

This is how poor the 'Guardian' journalism standards now are - this hyperventilating cretin was to bloody dim to read the actual article that she linked to:

The Home Office moved three refugees into a property in Penhill Road last Thursday, which was not approved by Bexley Council.

Without giving any notice to the council or residents, more followed over the weekend and it resulted in a demonstration being held outside their home on Sunday.

There's no evidence whatsoever that the Home Office moved the 'extra' people in, and the inference is that they simply occupied the house illegally.

Upsetting the council every bit as much as the residents!

Officials have also demanded a further meeting with the Home Office to ensure a situation like this does not happen again.

Bexley Council leader Councillor Teresa O’Neill said: “We fully understand the concerns of residents in Penhill Road. Our council enforcement officers acted quickly and were able to stop this property from being used in such an unlawful manner.”

'Unlawful'. Do you need a dictionary to look that up, Dawn?

So, How's That 'Diversity In Policing' Drive Going?

A police officer who was ordered to sign the sexual offenders register after admitting voyeurism offences has been dismissed from the Metropolitan Police. Irshad Kamal, 46, of Bramfield Road, Wandsworth, was a serving officer in Merton when he was charged with three counts of voyeurism after secretly filming hundreds of encounters with prostitutes.

Pc Rytis Gilys, who had served in Newham for six years, was found guilty of one count of sexual assault at Southwark Crown Court and sentenced to six months imprisonment in April. He was dismissed from duty without notice at a misconduct hearing on Thursday. The 33-year-old had already been deported to Lithuania after serving less than six months in prison and did not attend the hearing...

Hmmm. Not so well, then?

We Might As Well Just Replace The Justice System With Facebook...

A Bromley fraudster who claimed to online buyers she was selling riding equipment because she had a chronic disease has been spared jail after duping 46 victims into paying for goods they never received.

Poppy Valentine Eastwood, 24, of Pike Close, pleaded guilty at Bromley Magistrates' Court on March 21 to six counts of fraud by false representation and one count of acquiring criminal property. She was sentenced at Croydon Crown Court on Tuesday, June 7 to six months in prison, suspended for 18 months.

Well, of course! She's probably the real victim, right?

A Facebook group called 'Scammed by Poppy Eastwood' has more than 4,000 members.

No doubt someone will complain about a 'digital lynch mob', but if the justice system can't protect people from scammers, who will?

The Comments Always Show The Real Picture...

School children are “welcome to come to Bexleyheath” despite rumours that groups of more than two youngsters would be asked to leave, police have confirmed.

Bexley Police posted a statement on their Facebook page this afternoon (June 22) stating that “there are no restrictions for any members of the public” in Bexleyheath and specifically in The Broadway.

The comment appears to have been posted following an increase in anti-social behaviour in the area and claims from parents on social media that officers had told pupils they were “not allowed to go to Bexleyheath.”

The police statement says: “To clarify outstanding concerns regarding school students being banned from Bexleyheath, this is NOT the case. All persons are welcome to come to Bexleyheath and there are no restrictions for any members of the public.

“Recently on The Broadway, Bexleyheath, there has been an increase of anti-social behaviour, which has caused concern for members of the public and school aged children.

"This is constantly being monitored by ourselves and we are working with a number of partners to try and resolve this issue.”

Well, I'm sure that's very reassuring to the public. They'll be delighted to hear that rumours of police being heavy-handed are unfounded. Right?

Oh. Maybe not.

Can We Stop Calling People Like This 'Animal Lovers'..?

Harry Macdonald defending Mrs Carrone, 49, told Brighton Magistrates' Court yesterday: "She was a woman caring for cats for many years.

"He comes along and was quite frankly killing them.

"She accepts is (sic) was unrealistic to hope he would change."

But she preferred the company of a monster to her pets. So she let it slide. I cannot wrap my head around the idea that this woman wanted pets at all...

Mr MacDonald said disabled Mrs Wilson, who is in a wheelchair, suffers from spina bifida and other medical problems, was entirely dependant on her husband.

But she admitted she "should have been more proactive in challenging her husband about his care of the cats".

Ya think?!?

The court was told the couple had separated following the death of Tiny Tim.

Not that dependent then? Unless that was just for show.

As a result magistrates yesterday looked leniently on Mrs Wilson, who admitted failing to protect the kitten from unnecessary suffering, and agreed she could be allowed to keep her last remaining cat and she was served a conditional discharge.

*sighs*

Me Too, Mrs Gardner, Me Too..

Mrs Gardner said she felt the sentence should have been tougher. She said: “The sentence is nowhere near long enough. He endangered lives, had no regard for human life let alone animals, he also had no regard for the law.

“He will be in jail, get three meals a day and allowed to have what he sees necessary to make him comfortable. It’s not a sentence, it’s a reward.

“I have no time for people who flout the law. I’m sure he will be out in under ten months.”

The justice system in this country should be investigated by the Advertising Standards Authority...

Then Who Is In A Position To Resolve It?

The judge said the handling of Harris' case by mental health services had not filled him with confidence, but he could not be sure if Harris had denied treatment or been turned away.

He added: "From the perspective of a member of the public they see a man who has been sectioned, who repeatedly sought assistance and was turned away, was unsupervised to the extent he was able to stop taking his medication with no one apparently noticing.

"Then someone who goes on to commit an extremely grave offence.

"But the truth is I'm not in a position to resolve the deep conflict."

It seems no-one is.

Oxford Health NHS Foundation Trust spokeswoman Victoria Taylor said yesterday, patients were free to choose whether to engage with treatment or not.

True enough.

Ms Fraser insisted her client was not dangerous because he was back on his medication and of previous good character.

How very reassuring.

Judge Ross found Harris was a danger to the public and said only an extended sentence was enough to protect the public.

Harris will have to serve at least six years of that before being able to apply for parole and on release will face an extended licence of five years.

After which time he'll no longer be dangerous, right? Well, who cares - certainly not the people who are tasked with the safety of the public.

It's Really No Surprise...

...that almost half the guide dog owners surveyed said they'd been refused cabs, if this is all the punishment they receive for doing so:

Cheryl, 45, from Walton Avenue in Penwortham, was refused a ride home when Hussain, who arrived at Preston’s mobility centre to pick her up, spotted her Labrador guide dog, Thelma.

The father-of-six, who claimed in court he came out in a rash when confronted with dogs, admitted a breach of the Equality Act. Preston magistrates ordered Hussain, 44, of Oozehead Lane, Blackburn, to pay a £55 fine, a £20 victim surcharge and £250 costs.

That's, what, not even two days cab work?

Or more likely, one day of child benefit...

Well, It's A Better Theory Than 'Midichlorians'...

It was inevitable that the Rebel Alliance would defeat the Empire in Star Wars. Why? The Empire’s leadership was almost solely made up of white male elites with the same accent and outlook.

The rebels, meanwhile, are a band of diverse freedom fighters with all views welcome. They are a tapestry of differing backgrounds and experiences.

Governments around the world are just starting to learn the lessons from this encounter. They are overhauling the way they include people in government, opening up their processes and recruiting in new ways.

Right. OK.

Should we be looking for crucial exhaust ports in UK civil service buildings, then? Asking for a friend.

Shorter Simon Pegg: "Shut Up, Actual Gay Chap! Outta My Virtuesignalling Way!"

Pegg has said he intended the revelation in the new film that the character – now played by John Cho – is in a same-sex relationship as a tribute to Takei’s gay rights activism.

But on Thursday the actor responded by saying he thought the move was “really unfortunate”, as he felt it suggested sexuality was something that could be retrofitted. He also said his concerns had been ignored by the film-makers.

Pegg wasn't taking this snub lying down. What does an actual gay man's thoughts matter, anyway?

“He’s right, it is unfortunate, it’s unfortunate that the screen version of the most inclusive, tolerant universe in science fiction hasn’t featured an LGBT character until now. We could have introduced a new gay character, but he or she would have been primarily defined by their sexuality, seen as the ‘gay character’, rather than simply for who they are, and isn’t that tokenism?”

"Bloody hell, these identity politics rules are confusing! It's like they make them up on the spot, or something.."

...Pegg said that Roddenberry’s pioneering work exploring diversity in the series indicated he would have welcomed such a move.

"How can you argue with a dead man's wishes (as expressed by me), eh? EH?"

You're An Adult And Can't Look After Yourself?

Speaking on the site, Thomas Quilligan said the families are being chased around London while trying to find somewhere to stay.

“Our kids go to school here,” he said. “We need someone to look after us.”

It's not like you even have this man's excuse, is it?

After receiving his first warning in May, Simon visited Barking CAB in Ripple Road. Struggling to understand the DWP warning, Simon showed an advisor the letter, which states his active benefit payments “may be affected” if a mental health questionnaire is not returned by June 20.

The advisor claimed he wouldn’t be paid until he returned the questionnaire, leading Simon to believe he’d been paid in error.

“I’m a slow learner,” he said. “I’m slow to pick up what someone wants me to do. If it’s something I have to read I can read it but understanding it’s a different matter altogether. That’s where I need help.”

Sounds like he'd be perfect for a job at the CAB, doesn't it?

Even The 'Guardian' Gaming Pages Are...

...having fits of the vapours over the 'Leave' victory:

*refills crystal goblet with progressive's tears*

Voice Of An Angel...

....mouth of a Merseyside dock worker:

Cannot....breathe!

Sunday Funnies...

The blister packaging all electronics seem to come in now is by far the worst...

No, Surely Modern Feminists Don't Come Across This Way. Do They?

Helen Whitehouse on pocket money 'gender imbalance':

Research has shown boys get more pocket money than girls even from a very young age, most likely because they simply ask for more. Although it might be a complete coincidence and something parents don’t realise they are doing, it’s clearly something perpetuated for the rest of our lives.

Clearly... *rolls eyes*

I, along with most women I know, see arrogant guys who through their bulldozer technique in approaching professional contacts have succeeded in getting places female counterparts have not – if only because their approach and lack of gratitude left a trail of destruction for the rest of us to try to piece back together before trying ourselves.

"Waah! Waaah! Mummy, he's got all the good toys! S'not faaaaaiiirrr!"

Even as someone at the beginning of their career, I’ve had it drilled into me to be passionate, but patient. Don’t annoy people, don’t send too many emails. And as every normal human being knows, say thank you at the first opportunity.

Yet in my experience women who take this approach are shunned in favour of men who go in all guns blazing and near-enough demand access. You want them not to succeed, just once, to be taken down a peg or two, but it will never happen.

"Curses! Won't someone rid me of these troublesome men?"

Instead of teaching girls to shy away when they think something isn’t fair, we need to tell them to speak up. Whether they come across as spoilt or unlikeable shouldn’t be an issue when they think they see something unjust.

Spoilt and unlikeable? Gosh. Why ever would you think that, Helen?

How Long Before The Poor Thing Goes Totally Tonto?

Parit Patel, IPSoft's head of solutions, added that the AI would adjust its emotional tone to respond to that of the caller. He said: "If I told Amelia I didn't think she was doing a good job, she would pick up on that."

Good grief! Is this how SkyNet gets started..?

Amelia, created by "digital labour" company IPSoft, based in New York, has already started answering the phones at Enfield Council in a bid to - you guessed it - cut costs.

Yup, that oughtta do it!

I, for one, welcome our vengeful AI overlords with customer-induced PTSD...

You Don't 'Develop' A Cannabis Problem...

The sentencing hearing was told Malik comes from a decent family, but had gone off the rails after developing a cannabis problem.

You 'develop' an allergy. You choose to take cannabis.

Waheed Baber, defending, said Malik was a dog owner himself, adding: “Your Honour may think these are not the actions of a gentleman who himself is a dog owner - to systematically damage, hurt Miss Burgess’ dog."

The barrister added that Malik had a £1,000 a month job as a ‘merchandise printer’, saying: “For him it would not be his main source of income, to go and burgle somebody’s home..this is very much his first burglary offence, he demonstrates his remorse by apologising to Miss Burgess for the trauma he has caused her. He says he is shocked about the injuries to the dog.

"There’s a real danger that the publicity and emotion surrounding this case becomes so overwhelming that it may overshadow everything else said on Mr Malik’s behalf.”

Oh, I don't know. There'd have to be quite a lot of it to overshadow this, after all:

Sentencing Malik, who has previous convictions for fraud and possessing a blade and was on bail for assault at the time...

So, not his first offence, just his first for burglary! I'm sure it won't be long before he's got the whole set.

I'd Rather The Driver Kept His Eye On The Road...

... rather than on the pervert in his rear view mirror.

Jason Mallett of Byron Street Hove is already banned from travelling on trains or buses at certain times of day - after repeatedly exposing himself.

He is also only allowed to sit on buses where he can be seen by the driver.

Yeah. That's not a recipe for disaster, is it?

This One Hits All The Chav Markers!

A 16-year-old girl ‘paid the ultimate price’ after taking a cocktail of heroin, ecstasy and cocaine, an inquest heard. Sky Nicol died after taking ‘off the scale amounts’ of the drugs in Blackburn town centre.

Drugs!

In a state of panic, East Lancashire coroner Michael Singleton heard the teenager’s friend held off ringing an ambulance for more than half an hour, after calling a second friend to come round and help.

Incompetent youth!

Questioning the witness, the former Darwen Vale High School pupil’s mum, Susan Graham asked why there was a delay in calling the ambulance.

She said: “They killed her.

“The ambulance should have been called straight away.”

Failure to recognise personal responsibility on the part of the deceased!

The mother of Sky’s friend said: “I had no concern at first for Sky’s state.

“She was laughing and acting normal.

“I was only alarmed when she was having a fit and I told my daughter to ring an ambulance.”

When questioned by Mrs Graham why she did not call the ambulance herself, she said: “I was not near the telephone my daughter was closer.”

Laziness!

In the wake of Sky’s death, Lucy Hardwick, manager at Accrington charity Maundy Relief, said that young people need to be more aware of the risks they are taking.

Pointless 'awareness' campaigns demanded!

I think 'Chav Bingo' might just become as big a sport as 'Bullshit Bingo'...

I Hope It Gets Out Again...

...maybe at a court, this time:

Benson, a pitbull terrier owned by Anthony Stones, was sentenced to be put down earlier this year.

But now, despite being a banned breed, the dog has been given a second chance and will be released from police kennels to its owner.

/facepalm

Manchester’s Minshull Street Crown Court heard Benson had gone into ‘fight’ mode because he was ‘stressed’, and was otherwise a playful animal with a sound temperament, in the opinion of the expert who examined him.

The fact that the dog nipped rather than ‘clamped on’ to its victims - as it was perfectly capable of doing - was said by Mr Stones’ lawyer to be an example of how the dog did not have a violent character.

Oh, great!

Richard Brigden, representing Mr Stones, said leaving the door open ‘was an error he felt some shame about’.

“He understands now the effect of that error was that members of the public found themselves in a dangerous situation.”

Through no fault of their own.

Sentencing, Judge Bernard Lever said he was prepared to accept it was ‘an isolated aberration on the part of dog and owner’.

But he warned Mr Stones: “If it happens again, Benson is destroyed, and nobody else is to blame.”

Actually, you'll be to blame for any further injuries.

Generation Snowflake Goes To Rio!

Unicode President Mark Davis confirmed the move, telling Buzzfeed 'The committee decided not to mark them as Emoji, but to add them as characters.' This means they will not show up on emoji keyboards.

Previously he responded to criticism in the New York Times, saying , 'Some people are bothered by the inclusion of the rifle as a candidate, but the reason that's included is because shooting is an Olympic sport.'

Not for much longer, if the usual suspects get their way...

Soon after it was announced, the rifle was protested by a British gun control group, which told the BBC, 'It would be familiarising and popularising the image of a weapon which is not a good idea.'

They aren't named. There can't be that many of them, though, surely? After all, we don't need gun control, here, we've already got it.

And it's doing such a good job.

Don't Be Coy, Adam...

Adam Pipe, casualty reduction manager for Essex Police, said KSI stats, which cover those killed or seriously injured in accident, are falling among the traditional biker demographic.

Instead, his officers are seeing younger riders, often on mopeds, riding dangerously.

He said: “Motorcycle casualties remain a massive part of our overall casualty data, it’s about 25 per cent of all of our KSIs.

“It’s a very, very vulnerable group.”

...tell us who you really mean?

Mr Pipe said police are being “bombarded” with reports of youths and young men riding motorbikes and mopeds in a dangerous fashion around housing estates and on main roads, often without helmets. This has led to a high visibility crackdown, particularly in Basildon, Southend and Thurrock.

He said: “These are off-road bikes using the highways, motorcycles that are unregistered, made-up number plates, that sort of stuff.

“There is some really poor riding behaviour from a key group of individuals that seem to think they are above and beyond the law. They seem to think they are untouchable.”

Gosh. I can't imagine who you might be talking about...

Oh, That 'Typical South London Style'...

Dirk Bischof, 46, was in the park with his daughter when he saw the air ambulance land.

He said: “The actual incident happened inside the festival ground. We already went like three times this week so we were just chilling in the park.

“In typical south London style, the people were standing around, spectating.

“I've spoken to quite a few people to find out more and many told me "it was a miracle nothing happened sooner, considering it was school holidays'.

“Burgess Park, being so close to the various estates has often got an explosive atmosphere during school holidays, with lots of young people descending onto facilities."

Nothing to see here, move along....

And Their Scissors, And Screwdrivers, And....?

Gulsen Alkan said she felt let down by the authorities after she discovered how Trevor Joyce was free to kill art dealer Justin Skrebowski in Poundland last December.

Yup, there's little doubt about this, frankly.  I'm not sure why the immediate answer is to make shopper's and shopkeeper's lives that bit harder, though?

The random attack shocked the community, and sparked an appeal spearheaded by Ms Alkan to get shops to lock up their knives.

Maybe a campaign to force the authorities to be held to account would have been more sensible, but what do I know?

Or, We Could Just Let Darwinism Run Its Course..?

Dr Chodarhi, from the Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health, said: "Accidents often happen when we're distracted and mobile phones are increasingly to blame - whether it's a teenager stepping out into traffic while instant messaging or a baby grabbing at a hot drink or biting into a liquitab while their parent is replying to a text.

"It only takes a split second for an accident to happen so I urge parents and young people to adapt their behaviour."

Works for me...

Consequences...

Banks have become increasingly wary of offering services to organisations sending money overseas because of stiff penalties introduced to stop illegal transactions on their books.

The Government has delegated a role to banks to monitor the potential financing of terrorism, which means they must report suspicious financing or money laundering or face penalties. As such banks scrutinise clients sending money to parts of the world connected with terrorism.

Which is what we all want, right?

The Nicaraguan Solidarity Campaign organisations chose to bank with Co-op because they believed that it was different from other banks,

Yuill said. “What they promoted and implemented corresponded more closely with the values and ethics of the groups concerned in particular equality, international solidarity and the protection of human rights and the environment,” Yuill said.

Awwww, dry those tears! You aren't special, and nor is the bank.

"Hey, Photo Library Intern! Get A Pic Of A Snow Leopard For This Article!"

"...Meh! Close enough. Readers won't notice anyway..."

The 'Argus' Clearly Doesn't Know Many Seven Year Old Boys...

...it'd make their birthday even more memorable, wouldn't it?

Sunday Funnies...

If you have to go, I think Bob Denver would have the tombstone to beat...

Science, Bitches!

Michelle Jefferies, director of resources at the Farnworth school, said: "The idea of ‘Blueberry Breakfast’ was first suggested by Mr Roach our executive headteacher.

"His science teacher routes (sic) have never left him and he had read an article in relation to the positive effects of blueberries on both concentration and memory.

"The European Journal of Nutrition attributed high levels of anthocyanins — brain boosting organic compounds— in blueberries to enhanced cognition in children."

Did it say the effect kicked in an hour after scoffing a bowlful, then?

Bradley Blackburn, in year 11, said: "I’m definitely coming in early tomorrow for breakfast.

"I think it’s a great idea by school and helps us all to feel positive and confident before our exams."

Classmate Talia Barton added: "Even if it doesn’t taste like my favourite drink I will still drink it if it helps me focus in my exam."

Meanwhile, in Dundee:

Headmistress Gillian Knox sent pupils home with a letter saying: ‘Red is often used to energise body and mind, and some research indicates that it can increase heart and breathing rates. [This is] not the calm, relaxed learning state we hope to achieve.

‘A recent study linked red to impaired performance on achievement tasks.

‘Our staff feel that red needs to remain a key element of our uniform but that it would be best used in small amounts, for example, in our school tie.’

What next, voodoo..?

Then What's The Point Of Going To University..?

After all, I always thought it to improve yourselves. But what do I know?

H/T: Chris von Csefalvay via Twitter

You Might Want That, But It So Rarely Happens, Elaine...

Brighton's most senior police officer has accused anti-fascist demonstrators of being "determined to attack any bald man who looked right wing" at a protest.

Wow! That's going a bit off message for the wonderful modern police 'service', isn't it?

Ch Supt Nev Kemp said: "My understanding is that most of the protesters that said they might be coming to Brighton actually went up to Bristol, so they didn't appear."

But he said the anti-fascist counter-protest did go ahead and he added: "There were a significant number who took part who were intent on violence and criminality."

*gasps* Say it ain't so!

Mr Kemp said: "There were a number of people in the protest who showed they were actually - ironically, bearing in mind the protest is about tolerance - some of the most intolerant people you could come across."

*settles in with popcorn*

Elaine Ortiz, of anti-fascist group the English Disco Lovers (Ed: Nope, me either...), said none of her group were involved in any violence.

She told The Argus: "I think that's a mistaken assumption that any violence came from the anti-fascist group.

"We had a public meeting with representatives from all the groups and it was discussed very clearly that on the day of the demo there was a skinhead reunion planned.

"So everyone was fully aware of the potential confusion.

"We were all planning a safe and peaceful protest, we wanted to represent Brighton in a peaceful manner."

You always have such good intentions, don't you? And yet, violence inexplicably 'just happens'...

Well, It Must Have Been Pretty 'Elaborate', Yes..

June Brogden, whose grandsons Anthony Middleton and David Sowerby, are serving life sentences for murder, pleaded guilty but claimed she was the victim of an elaborate set-up.

...how else did the drugs get up there?

In mitigation, Louise Harrison said Brogden's family, who care for her, provided much-needed constant emotional support, which they would not be able to do as much if she was jailed.

"As you are aware this is a very poorly lady," she said.

Fit enough to smuggle drugs, fit enough to work!