Tweet Of The Month

Post Title Of The Month

The incomparable David Thompson kicked things off early with this saucy offering:

 

And DumbJon follows up with a great one:

Quote Of The Month

Longrider encounters one of modern life's little moments of strangeness: 

"We were reminded that the pronouns were she/her. When this happens, it tells me that the person concerned knows damned well that we can see through the sham, so we need to be reminded to play the game. Which, given that we are professionals in a professional environment, we were polite. My get around is not to use pronouns at all. I just refer to the person by name. Because, in my own little way, I am rebelling. I am not going to refer to an obvious man as ‘she’ and for the whole day I managed not to. So a secret little win in the game."

Post Of The Month

Security advice from Bill Sticker, something I think we'll all need to bear in mind this coming year...

It's Not The Value Of The Item...

...it never is, in these stories:

A shopper was left shocked when he discovered that £1 protein bars had been locked in security boxes in Tesco. The security boxes were spotted in the Gilesgate Tesco Extra in County Durham on Boxing Day by customer Andrei Lespezeanu.

He spotted the MyProtein and Dynabars goods under lock and key, despite costing between £1 and £2.50.

It's the relative ease of the theft itself, and the resale value/opportunity.  

'I am confused why the store has felt the need to do this since there are other items in the store worth more that don't have security tags or boxes.'

Keep thinking, Andrei... 

'The only explanation for this that I can come up with is that people are prone to stealing these cereal and protein bars.'

By George, I think he's got it! 

Who On Earth Thinks 'More Police' Isn't A Good Thing..?

The Runnymede Trust race equality think tank found 979 Safer Schools Officers (SSOs) in schools last spring, compared with 683 in 2021.

Well, that comes as no surprise... 

The Runnymede Trust gathered the Freedom of Information data following the case of Child Q, a 15-year-old black girl who was strip-searched by the Metropolitan Police at school without an appropriate adult present.

And we still don't know why she smelled so strongly of cannabis the search was initiated. It's as if that doesn't matter.  

Police officers have worked in schools for decades and were formally introduced in the Safer Schools Partnership programme in 2002. The programme is something schools can choose to sign up to.

No doubt we can look to the usual suspects for a forthcoming campaign to 'persuade' schools not to do so.  

But some campaigners and community leaders are worried SSOs are doing more harm than good.

Dr Shabna Begum, head of research at the Runnymede Trust, is concerned schools could be leaning too heavily on police to sort out "quite trivial" behavioural or pastoral problems that should be dealt with by teaching staff. If this is happening, black children may face harsher consequences - creating a pathway to the criminal justice system.

Yes, but police aren't putting them on that pathway, are they? They are stepping on it themselves...

The Futility Of The Justice System...

“He shouted that the only way he would come out of the boat was as a dead man – and would cut anyone who came in.”

Police were ordered off the scene until armed response officers arrived and gained entry to the boat. The court heard there was a struggle after officers persuaded Lance not to harm himself with a Stanley blade. As the officer handcuffed Lance, the defendant commanded his dog to attack him.

“The officer described a large brown dog biting his right arm two or three times before latching on to his forearm and shaking its head violently,” added Miss Eley. The sound of a taser caused the dog to let go and run away.

“The taser was never aimed at the dog,” Miss Eley added.

The armed officer's guns should have been. And they should have been used, too. 

The court heard Lance has 13 previous convictions for 18 offences, including wounding and possession of a dangerous dog.

Didn't stop him getting another, did it? 

Did You Just Assume His Gender?

Because that could well be a husky lass, the image is so poor!

H/T: Ian J via email

No Grammar Checker Again For Christmas, 'Mail' Headline Writer?

Never mind, maybe you can get one in the January Sales...

Sunday Funnies...

And Teresa & Boris isn't amongst them!

The Strangeness Continues...

It seems coroners are increasingly becoming laws unto themselves...

Beth Grossman, a barrister at Doughty Street Chambers, told The Telegraph that it was 'remarkable' that the identity of the dog walker had not been released. She added that imposing arbitary restrictions impeded the investigation of serious incidents.

'Coroner’s courts don’t operate to the same rules of procedure as other parts of the courts and tribunals system. For members of the public, including bereaved families who find themselves in this system, it can be difficult and bewildering.'

And yet excessive concern and protection is arbitrarily handed out to some families... 

Other sources agreed that the refusal was 'unusual and strange'. An expert on inquests said the only precedent for not revealing the name of the deceased was for children in care.

Independent Press Standards Organisation guidance says that the death of a person is a matter of public record.

'Journalists have a basic right to report the fact of a person’s death, even if surviving family members would prefer for there to be no reporting and regard the death as private.'

Well, grandstanding coroners are nothing new, after all. But this one seems to be in a class of its own. 

Maybe Ask Why It's A Community That Requires This Type Of 'Engagement'..?

Five cops stop a black motorist and beat him to death. And they are all themselves black.

However, Davis said the fact the officers are Black “takes off the table that issues and problems in law enforcement [are] about race”. “It is not,” she said. “It’s about human dignity, integrity, accountability and the duty to protect our community.”

But she added: “It does indicate to me that bias might be a factor also in the manner in which we engage the community.”

Why would five cops decide that this was a good way to handle a simple traffic stop? Is anyone even asking this question? 

What's Up With Scotland?

A pizza chef who sexually assaulted two 16-year-old girls in a chip shop has been spared jail after a sheriff said he committed the offences while he was 'lonely'.

This Flower of Scotland's name?

Kasim Kocaman, 46, of Renfrew, Scotland, touched the teenage girls on their bottoms at the Golden Chip takeaway where he worked in Raploch, Stirling.

Solicitor Ryan Sloan, defending, said Kocaman was 'a Kurdish man who has been in the United Kingdom for many years now'. 'He now finds himself convicted of a sexual offence, and there's a certain stigma attached to that,' he said.

In Scotland, or in his native Kurdistan?

On Tuesday, Sheriff MacDonald sentenced the offender to 200 hours of unpaid work and placed him on social work supervision for 12 months. He said this was a direct alternative to custody.

He told Kocaman: 'Both these offences were opportunistic in nature - I detected no element of planning - but they involved a breach of trust.

'They seem to have been committed at a time in your life when, according to the author of the criminal justice social work report, you may well have been experiencing an element of loneliness.'

It's no wonder the place is fast becoming known for perverts, freaks and weirdoes.... 

It's Deja Vu All Over Again, Again...

Police have closed their criminal investigation into the death of a woman who was killed by 'a frenzied pack of dogs' in Surrey and revealed that nobody has been prosecuted.

Eight dogs were seized at the scene and remain in police custody subject to forensic investigation, though no prosecutions are being brought against any individuals.

We've been here before. No prosecutions then, either. Will the H&S Executive step in instead?

"It Was Good Enough For Me..."

The British boss of Wall Street banking giant Citigroup yesterday warned that slackers working from home will be hauled back to the office for coaching.

Jane Fraser said that it was important for employees to collaborate together and learn from ‘eccentrics’ in the workplace as she did.

If you think 'one size fits all', then it's clear you learned nothing...

Larry Fink, chief executive of BlackRock, the world’s biggest asset manager, was more forthright when he spoke at the same event, hosted by Bloomberg.

He said: ‘Remote working has not worked.’

Who hasn't it worked for, Larry? If you're still head of the biggest asset management firm, and not the second or third largest? 

I Thought They Didn't Deal With 'Dog On Dog'..?

Police are investigating reports a dog was fatally wounded on Balmoral Drive, Mansfield, on Wednesday, December 21, at about 5pm. Following the alleged incident, two dogs were seized on Thursday, December 22, under the Dangerous Dogs Act. They will remain in the care of police as investigations into what happened continue.

It seems Mansfield cops are a bit more diligent than other farces... 

A Mansfield resident said a King Charles spaniel had been savaged to death on Balmoral Drive by two large mastiff-type dogs.

Or perhaps they don't fancy having to attend a house and facing these things one day? 

"It is understood human rights issues played a key role in Abdulrahimzai's case."

But not the human rights of the UK people not to find themselves clutching a viper to their bosoms. The human rights of a suspected murderer who lied about his age to pose as a child asylum seeker. 

Immigration minister Robert Jenrick replied: 'As you'll know sentencing is yet to take place, but we will be investigating the full circumstances surrounding the case so that we can ensure we learn all the lessons.

'One that we will certainly be taking forward is a more robust method for assessing the age of those coming into the country, taking advantage of modern scientific methods.'

Too little, far, far too late. This is yet another case where red flags were raised by members of the public and ignored. 

Compassion kills, when it's falsely applied.

"Yes, Dr Lecter Committed These Horrible Cannibalistic Killings..."

Bryson was found guilty of the two rapes yesterday. The defendant denied the charges, saying in evidence she 'would never hurt another human being'.

Her defence KC Edward Targowski even told High Court in Glasgow: 'If you accept that evidence, that she is transitioning, that she is aiming to continue on that path to becoming female gender, that goes a long way to acquitting her of these charges'.

"...but he's turned vegan now, so he should be free to leave court!" 

Thankfully, the jury didn't swallow any of this. But now this male rapist is being held in a woman's prison while a risk assessment is carried out. 

Tory MP Miriam Cates told MailOnline: 'It is almost impossible to believe
that in a civilised society a man convicted of raping two women can be remanded in a women's prison.'

Where have you been, love? This has been inevitable.

Doesn't Seem Very Gentle To Me...

'Gentle giant' rugby player Samuel Diatta collapsed outside luxury jewellery store Mappin & Webb in York.

It's this case, which is still dragging on for the men involved.

At an inquest opening, coroner, Jonathan Leach said Mr Diatta, from York, died of hypertensive heart disease and the effects of being restrained.

Why would a 'gentle giant' need to be restrained? 

In a previous statement, Senior Investigating Officer, Detective Inspector Steve Menzies said: 'A 999 call was received by police at 4.41pm and officers arrived at the scene at 4.46pm. 'Mr Diatta entered the store and became involved in an altercation with a member of security staff.

'This escalated resulting in the staff member being injured and Mr Diatta being restrained on the floor by a member of the shop staff and three members of the public.'

'As with any unexpected death of this nature, a police investigation is required to establish the facts, to establish whether or not there is any criminality relating to the death, and to get the answers for Mr Diatta's family and for those involved in the incident, and for the Coroner.'

The answers would appear to be 'don't start fights with security staff if you've got a weak heart', wouldn't they? 

Bring... It ... ON!

'Migrants'..? No. Of course not:

Illegal migrants working in the black market face a new crackdown in a return of ‘hostile environment’ checks.

Immigration minister Robert Jenrick said the Home Office will use ‘every available power’ to ensure ‘only those eligible can work, receive benefits or access public services’.

He wants to expand the ‘hostile environment for illegal migration’ led by Theresa May as home secretary and paused in the wake of the Windrush scandal.

Good. More please, faster.  

Ooh, I Love These Articles!

 

A dishwasher expert has revealed the five things you should never do if you want 'properly' clean plates and a machine that doesn't break after a year or two.

My dishwasher is 20+ years old and still going strong, so I must be doing something right! 

Ashley says you shouldn't bother putting the tablet in the dishwasher dispenser as it is 'completely pointless'. He said the dishes will be washed just as well by throwing the tablet in the bottom of the machine.

Check! Used to faithfully add them to the compartment, but saw this advice somewhere else about 6 years ago and stopped. Made no difference! 

'By all means, scrape your dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, but there's no need to rinse – it won't make your dishes any cleaner and it'll just use more water,' Ashley advised. 'Plus, by rinsing your plates clean before washing, you're showing a complete lack of faith in your dishwasher's ability to do the one job you paid all that money for it to do.'

Check! Well, I wouldn't want it to get a complex, or anything... 

Ashley also warned that closing the dishwasher between washes is dangerous. It doesn't give the seals a chance to dry out, which gives mould and bad smells a chance to take hold.

Oooh, I do leave it ajar after a run, to cool down, but otherwise shut it. Will take this on board though. 

Washing a half empty dishwasher is inefficient for several reasons. Ashley warned that you will waste money, water and energy as your dishwasher will use around the same amount of electricity and water regardless of how full it is.

Pft! If I'm running the dishwasher it's because it's full! Who runs it half-empty? 

The expert's final tip is to never put sharp knives in the dishwasher if you don't want to damage them.

Check! I'm doing OK. 

It's Not Just The Fraudsters Who Are Shameless, Is It?

Shameless fraudsters have been using Photoshop in a bid to claim benefits in Britain while living aboard - as part of a multi-million pound scam.

One man was asked to take a photograph of himself by his front door after the DWP became suspicious that he was claiming benefits in the UK while living abroad.

...it's the DWP 'workers' who consider a photo of someone standing by a front door as any sort of 'evidence'!

The DWP told MailOnline they saw a surge in Universal Credit claims when the pandemic hit with more people needing support.

However, this caused an increase in fraudulent claims - partly driven by gangs seeking to take 'advantage' of a relaxation of the rules on applications.

Another thing to blame on the Covid hysterics and the government's reaction to it... 

However, claims for applicants who were considered vulnerable were not blocked.

Of course!  

Hang On, Let Me Smear Some Vaseline On My Glasses And I'll Tell You...

Nope, still don't ring a bell...

H/T: i.r.jackson via email

The 'Mail' At Its Best...

*sighs*

H/T: Longrider and Stephen Brown via email

Sunday Funnies...

Oh, but I bet we still would!

Well, She's Not Shelling Out For Two Lots Of Dog Food Now...

...so surely she can afford more?

Appearing in Southampton Crown Court in October 2020, Victoria Capon, the owner of the two Staffies, was ordered to pay £11,822 in compensation within two months.

However, Julie says she has still only received £5,000 from the insurance company, plus a £50 payment in October. Having contacted the court, she has been told to expect £50 a month - meaning it will take 12 years to pay off.

And they call this 'justice'... 

Capon, of Kensington Close, Bishopstoke, was also banned from owning dogs for five years and given a ten-month jail sentence suspended for two years.

The pussy pass strikes again, no doubt. 

During the hearing, it was said that Capon’s beasts had been involved in five previous attacks against other dogs.

And no-one did anything until, once again, it was too late for the victim. 

A New Low For Essex Police...

A deranged pervert at large, and the community work together to raise the alarm:

Social media has been flooded with reports of the man wearing Belfairs Academy uniform in the vicinity of the Highlands Boulevard school this week, as well as on a bus in the area while children travelled home. Photos have also been posted online of the man wearing a Milton Hall Primary School uniform.

School uniform supplier Paul’s School and Workwear in Southchurch Road says it has received multiple emails and calls regarding the individual. In a post on Facebook, a spokesman for the business said it had not sold him the Belfairs uniform but added: “He was in store this week purchasing a grey box pleat skirt that he said was for his granddaughter, he is now banned from the shop.”

What do those tasked with the protection of society do? 

Essex Police has identified the individual and officers from its community policing team have discussed the incident with the man in question.

'Discussed'..? 

The force says it understands the community’s concerns, but the man is not a risk to the public.

*blinks* But wait! There's more! 

Police have also urged residents to stop sharing photographs of the individual on social media.

What?! 

An Essex Police spokesman said: “We would like to remind the public that continued circulation of images on social media could have a detrimental personal impact on those concerned and we would ask that the public refrain from circulating images.”

Yes, as unbelievable as it sounds the police are concerned for his welfare.  

H/T: RIP4Nutmeg via Twitter

No, It Isn't...

...but it'll get trotted out in the comments after every single report of another mauling:

The familiar saying “there’s no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner” isn’t helpful or true, says Westgarth.

“As an owner we can try to do all the ‘right’ things”, but the dog’s genetics and early experiences are beyond our control."

Try convincing the pitbull lovers of that... 

A general lack of data – about true figures for injuries, and about demographics of owners or breeds – means it is impossible to get a good picture, or to know what to do about it. Of the nine deaths this year, six involved a breed known as an American XL bully, a large muscular breed originating in the American pit bull terrier, but Tulloch says we don’t have the evidence to say it’s a dangerous breed.

I think six dead is evidence enough, surely? 

An earlier study found hospital admissions from dog bites were three times as likely in deprived areas of the country.

Is anyone really surprised at that? 

Hey, BOGOF* Exists In The Police Too!

Officers had executed a warrant at the address at Merton House, Crabtree Drive, Chelmsley Wood, just after 9am today, Saturday, January 7.

West Midlands Police said a man, aged in his 20s, had jumped from the balcony of a fourth floor flat.

Witnesses said the Midlands Air Ambulance had landed nearby. A 47-year-old man was arrested for failing to appear at court and remains in custody. Inquiries are ongoing.

He's obviously done something to feel guilty enough to jump, after all!

*Buy One, Get One Free

What's The Point Of The ASA..?

 On Wednesday, this appeared:

Tweeters were quick to point out this is utterly false - a six month extension was granted. 

So why is the Royal Mail's social media account propagating false information (it was still up Thursday morning)? And why is the Advertising Standards Authority not involved?

Oh Dear, Jacinda...

...it seems they did. And they said 'That's quite enough of those, thanks!'.

In a poll published in December, Labour's popularity slipped one per cent to 33 per cent while the country's major centre-right party, National, rose one point to 38 per cent. Nine months out from the October 14 election, Labour looked like it was headed for the exit door and something had to change - but nobody predicted Ms Ardern's bombshell resignation on Thursday.

When the going gets tough, the tough get going, eh? 

"I've Got No Willpower..."

[Redacted] is as harmful to colleagues as secondhand smoking...

Oooh, go on, have a guess! 

Bringing cake into work is as harmful to colleagues as secondhand smoking, Britain's top food tsar has warned.

*blinks* Wait, what? 

Professor Susan Jebb, the Food Standards Agency chairwoman, argues that passive smoke inflicts harm on others in the office ‘and exactly the same is true of food’. 

How? I mean, do cake particles from the next desk make their way over to me, or something? 

Prof Jebb, who teaches diet and population health at the University of Oxford, told the Times: 'If nobody brought in cakes into the office, I would not eat cakes in the day, but because people do bring cakes in, I eat them.

Well, love, that's on you. If a colleague brings in a fruit cake, nothing would induce me to eat it!

'Now, okay, I have made a choice, but people were making a choice to go into a smoky pub.'

Which is an argument for not restricting that choice, isn't it? Not for adding to the nannying fussbucketry... 

She has also slammed ministers over a decision to delay a watershed for junk food advertising, adding that it has led to a 'complete market failure' that has squeezed out health foods. 

Because no-one will eat tofu if they see a Big Mac on screen? Good lord, if this woman's an example of what abstinence does to your brain, someone bring me an eclair, quick! 

H/T: PubCurmudgeon via Twitter

"Unintended Consequences? Never Heard Of Them!"

A new criminal offence of intentionally deceiving a person into engaging in sexual activity should be created to address confusion in the law around consent, legal experts and lawyers have said.

The new offence of inducing sexual activity by deception would cover both making of false representations as well as failing to disclose information.

As such, it would potentially apply in future to cases such as those involving “spy cops”, in which undercover police officers adopted fake personas and conducted sexual affairs with female activists.

Hmmm. Isn't it also going to apply to transgender people who aren't forthcoming about their real sex?

 I'm going to need two of these!

Anyone Would Think It Was Winter...

Oh, wait. It is, isn't it?

Health chiefs have issued a level three cold alert due to the 'severe winter weather' and have urged the public to check on vulnerable friends and family in the coming days.

Later in the week the mercury could drop as low as -11C, sparking the UK Health and Security Agency (UKHSA) to issue a warning over the cold. The Government agency urged people to wear several thin layers and consume plenty of hot drinks if they're feeling the chill in the coming days...

I presume the only reason they aren't urging us to suck eggs is because of bird flu... 

Must Be A Trick Question....

After all, they are both cyclists!

The rider of the second bike, who had been travelling quickly down the cycle route, does not see the first commuter pull out from behind a parked van until it is too late.

Wouldn't have seen anything in time to stop, so thank god it wasn't a pensioner or child... 

Another Triumph For Mental Health 'Professionals'...

Vanessa Marshall, KC, prosecuting, told the court that Dunlop was first seen by mental health professionals when he was just three years old.

And what conclusions did these so-called 'professionals' come to..? 

The court heard how Dunlop regularly used cannabis, crack cocaine, mamba and heroin, as well as drinking, leading him to have psychotic behaviour.

Defending, Mary Prior, said: "All of the psychiatrists accept he has paranoid schizophrenia, which has been only partly treated. Some say he has autism, some say he has ADHD, some say he has obsessive compulsive disorder."

But it appears no-one said 'Hey, look, this nutter shouldn't be released onto the streets!'. So you really have to worry about their professionalism. 

Not that they are the ones ever paying the price, of course.

Judge Timothy Spencer KC told Dunlop: "You can turn instantly from being apparently amiable to being very violent indeed." He said he took Dunlop's mental health issues as mitigation, but found the murder was not involuntary.

Dunlop was given a life sentence, with a minimum of 15 years behind bars before he can be considered for parole.

He'll be all better in 15 years, I'm sure... 

‘The morning paper and the head-lines read 'Danger to the queen!'... ’

'...Buckingham Palace better tighten things up, the son of a bitch is mean.'

The Duke of Sussex has said he had enough material for two books, but he held back because he does not think his father and brother would “ever forgive” him.

In an interview with Bryony Gordon of The Daily Telegraph, Harry said: “It could have been two books, put it that way.”

Ms Gordon wrote that Harry told her the first draft was 800 pages – double the final manuscript which comes in at just over 400 pages.

Dear god, less a proposed publication than a blackmail warning, I suspect. 

A Twofer!

The proof-reader must have had a long (or liquid!) lunch that day...

H/T: DAD via email

"Hey, Headline Monkey! Did You Look Up 'Teacakes' On The Internet?"

"Errr *sweats* ...no boss. Why?"

 

"Because your first hit must have been these, idiot! And I'd hate to see the state of your toaster..."

Sunday Funnies...

Hurrah, we're number 1!

What's The Portugese For 'Should've Gone To Specsavers!'..?

Veterinarian Rodrigo Calil said tenants at his condominium in southeastern Brazilian state of Minas Gerais (Ed: someone was a Tolkien fan when they named that!) called 911 Tuesday morning after they spotted the cat, Massinha, wandering around the building.

When firefighters arrived at the building and found the seven-month-old cat in the stairs and mistook it for a wild animal, according to Brazilian newspaper Metropoles.

Specifically, a jaguar. Which typically weigh in at around 300-400lbs. But happily, there was a good ending to this sorry tale:

The family searched the vicinity for almost eight hours before his daughter found her in the bushes Tuesday evening.

And what do the hapless firefighters have to say? Well, they are careful not to admit they thought it was a jaguar... 

The fire department said the responding unit acted in accordance with their guidelines and removed the cat that has been roaming around the building for two days.

'They (building security) reported that the said animal did not belong to any local resident,' the fire department said in a statement.

'After being captured safely and unharmed, since she had no injuries and was apparently healthy, and because she had the characteristics of a domestic animal, she was released in a more remote location outside the condominium in a forested area, according to standard protocol.'

So, pet owners of Brazil - your fire department will catch your stray pet and toss it into the nearest jungle by protocol... 

More Lying Lazy Cops? What A Surprise...

The traumatised woman said: "I saw a lady in a blue uniform which looked like she worked for the NHS with two dogs standing on the grass. It was some sort of bulldog... "

No surprises here... 

'When I told the police they did not want to take the report as they don't deal with this type of thing and said it was a matter for Preston City Council.'

Nor here... 

A spokesperson for Lancashire Police confirmed that it was a matter for the local dog warden. Preston Council have been approached for comment.

Preston Council should ask why the cops are passing it to them when it's their responsibility:

The incident was reported to Police but the attacking dog’s owners have not been investigated and the animal is still able to roam. At the time of the attack it had escaped without the owner’s knowledge, something it did the following day too. 

Perhaps the useless lazy bastards will take some action when a cop is bitten?

Speaking about the shocking incident, Zoe French, the granddaughter of the affected woman, has said: “Sandie has been my nan’s best friend and reason to get out of bed for the past 14 years. My nan has been left devastated, traumatised and alone, with a hefty vet bill. “We have not once been assisted or helped by a member of the police force as there is no law allowing them to assist.”

Wrong!  

“This has to change. We want some change in laws around dog-on-dog attacks. Not just for Sandie but for past and future dogs. Our animals deserve justice too.

“There should be something the law can do in prosecuting the owner of a dangerous dog, or so police can investigate dangerous dog reports more seriously and not waiting for it to be a dog-on-child attack”.

They can. It just happens that they don't seem to want to - not all farces, however, are so lazy: 

"It completely broke my heart, and it all made sense. He grabbed her from under the car and cartwheeled her around, smashing her on the ground. He takes the dog to her trying to get it to rip her to shreds but it's not interested. You can then see the police come around the corner and they instantly think it's the dog by the looks of it.

"A police officer wrapped her up and took her to the vets straight away. The dog didn't do anything wrong, looking at the CCTV I don't want it punished, I'm an animal lover.

"My nine-year-old asked for money and bought chocolates for the police officers that helped save Lola and wrote them a card. He's got more compassion in his little finger than this mad (sic) who attacked Lola."

I'd have preferred to see them arrest the scum, but they, at least, did what they could. Shame on the other farces.  

Why Keep A Dog And Bark Yourself?

We need to change that old saying to 'Why send armed police and not have them do their job?'

Armed officers, with support from the National Police Air Service, detained a total of seven dogs at the scene and they are in police custody. Several road closures are in place around Gravelly Hill and officers remain at the scene.

Chief Inspector Alan Sproston said: 'Our thoughts are with the family of the woman who sadly died this afternoon.

'This incident will be concerning to the local community and I would like to reassure them that we believe all dogs have been accounted for and are in police custody.

'Our investigation to establish the circumstances of the incident remains ongoing and we would ask the community not to speculate.'

Can they speculate on why you are treating dangerous animals as human criminals, Alan? Is that all right? 

Update: 

It seems the police are now considering this yet another case of 'dog walker misadventure' just as last October's. The one that saw no charges brought against the owner, remember?

Why Are You Doing The Defence Solicitor's Job?

Criminal suspects will be routinely screened for gambling addiction by a number of police forces across England and Wales because of growing concerns that high-stakes betting is fuelling crime in a similar way to drugs and alcohol.

What?! Why?

Joy Allen, the police and crime commissioner for Durham and joint lead for addictions and substance misuse at the Association of Police and Crime Commissioners, said the association would like to see screening carried out by all police forces.

“This is a real opportunity for a better understanding of the causes of crime and early treatment,” she said. “We need to raise awareness that this is a disorder like alcohol and drugs and it should be looked at in the same way.”

Why should the police waste time on considering stuff like this? Their sole function should be the prevention and detection of crime. 

And is this what people expected from Crime Commissioners? 

Will They Record It As A Hate Crime Incident?

The owner then explained that his dog - a Czechoslovakian Wolfdog - "hates" greyhounds and any black-coloured breed.

Whut..?! 

Norfolk Constabulary has confirmed it has been informed about the incident.

Well, well, well... 

H/T: Dave Ward via email

Will We Get 20 Seconds To Comply..?

Supermarkets are calling for new laws that let them use AI to verify a customer is over-18 when buying alcohol.

Oh oh!

Recipe for disaster!

But wait! Why 'over 18'? Don't most supermarkets - willingly! - go much further and demand proof you're over 24?

The British Retail Consortium said age estimation technology would make stores 'a safer place to work and shop'. Shop assistants face over 1,300 incidents of violence and abuse every day, with staff asking to check a customer's age one of the most common triggers.

Well, it's no wonder, is it? 

Yoti, the British firm behind the software, claims it can estimate someone's age to within 18 months with near 100 per cent accuracy.

Why are we messing about with trying to save supermarkets from the consequences of their slavish capitulation to the NuPuritans then? Get this thing to the Home Office, stat! 

Remember When Words Meant Something..?

A spokesperson for HM Courts and Tribunals Service said: “The strict security measures we have in place ensure escapes from court custody are extremely rare​...

How 'strict' are they, then? 

Bunclark, from Netherton in Merseyside, initially buried his head in his hands after being handed his sentence. However, the Liverpool Echo reported that afterwards, following a brief chat with his mother, he wrestled out of officers’ grasp, vaulted the unsecured dock, and fled the courtroom.

Huh! Really..? 

Nope!

Don't Forget To Add On Contempt Of Court...

Shafiq Azam, 43, of Leeds Road, Bradford, failed to attend for a stand-down probation report this morning.

He had been committed to the higher court by the city’s magistrates after pleading guilty to being in charge of an Akita called Bolt that was dangerously out of control in Leeds Road on February 26, 2019, and injured a person.

Complete contempt of court, that is. And let's face it, there's a lot to be contemptuous of, isn't there? 

Prosecutor Paul Canfield said Azam had failed to turn up at the court. He had previously not attended at the magistrates’ court and a warrant had been issued. Judge Colin Burn issued a new warrant and enquired what had happened to Bolt in the almost four years since the incident.

A police officer present in court told him the dog had been destroyed.

Judge Burn said that ‘with the demise of Bolt,’ and given the age of the case, it might be possible to sentence Azam without a probation report.

*sighs* 

Complete Bollards!

Another nearby resident, who did not wish to be named, said: “Serious questions have to be asked of the council. It’s barmy. Who on earth thought this was a good idea?

“We have had problems with parking near the school, but this is an unnecessary eyesore and complete overkill by the council. The first row nearest the road, I sort of understand. But the rest of them are just weird.”

Well, quite! Has the council been shamed by the ridicule it's now been subjected to, or are they going to double-down and insist it's all just fine? 

Reader, if you don't already know the answer... 

Birmingham city council said the bollards had been put up in response to “regular complaints about inconsiderate and dangerous parking outside the school”.

A spokesperson said: “The number of bollards that have been installed demonstrates the scale of the problem. ”

*sighs* 

The Sort Of 'Child' We Can't Taser, I Suppose..?

I've no doubt...

The boy, aged just 13, was wanted by Erdington police officers for carrying a machete and breaching a criminal behaviour order.

The incident took place in the Stockland Green area on Tuesday (December 6) and upon arrest the boy lashed out attacking three officers and also damaging a police van.

And he was promptly bailed. Because he's a 'child'.  

Move It Monday: January

Something new for 2023 - every second Monday in the month, I'm going to feature music tracks that move me.

What? No! Not emotionally...these are the tracks that when they come on, you can't stop yourself swaying to the beat, or tapping your toes, whether that's in the kitchen, or at the wheel. They've got beat, they've got rhythm, they're contagious. They aren't in any particular order, I'm not going to rank them, they are just as they occurred to me when I compiled this list.

And first up is Right Said Fred with 'Don't Talk Just Kiss':

The Freds garnered quite a following on Twitter during the pandemic. Worth checking out.

A Ploy To Hasten The Demise Of Cash..?

It is one of the things you never leave the house without. But the days of worrying about whether you have remembered your wallet could soon be over as digital payments become more popular, new research suggests.

One in five Britons do not expect to carry a physical wallet or purse in the next five years, a survey by Mastercard found.

It's been long mooted that cash is on the way out...and in truth, there's only a handful of things I still use cash for. Mostly the window cleaner, my hairdresser, my mother's chiropody, and the like. Everything else is tap and pay.

But I still keep a purse. Where else am I going to keep safety pins, emergency sewing kit, those 'stamp at the counter' coffee reward cards, little sachets of salt and pepper, and stamps?

Ok, maybe not stamps for much longer... 

Instead, shoppers are increasingly turning to contactless cards that can be stored on mobile phones or even smartwatches to pay for goods.

I see a lot of people at the Tube barriers tapping their watch or their phone. I wouldn't say the number's increased much though, over the last year.   

Around half of the 2,000 people surveyed said they only carried a wallet to store non-payment cards such as driving licences and loyalty cards. The demise of physical wallets has been accelerated by the declining use of cash.

Most of the loyalty cards are now in app version too. So they will soon no longer be needed. Maybe then, wallets and purses will finally disappear. But not just yet.

And if they do....well, James has some suggestions.

What Are They Waiting For..?

Sussex Police are investigating and have said they have not seized the dogs at this stage.

Why not? This wasn't something they can brush off as 'dog on dog', is it?

Louise was bitten through two coats and a jumper. She was taken to the nearby Royal Sussex County Hospital, where she needed seven stitches to her wounded arm, antibiotics and a tetanus jab. She is now in a sling.

What more needs to be said? Why can't they do their job? Meanwhile, in Suffolk:

The incident took place when a man was out walking his dog at the North Denes caravan park between 6pm and 8pm on Saturday (31 Dec). His pet was attacked by two other dogs, both American bulldog type animals, and he was then kicked and punched by a group of male and female youngsters.

'Youngsters'..? Well, I guess they can't tell us the real description...

A 22 year old male was arrested last night (Wednesday 4 January) on suspicion of assault and he was taken to Great Yarmouth Police Investigation Centre for questioning where he remains. A dog was also seized by police at the man’s address. An initial arrest was made earlier in the week of a 21 year old male – he was bailed by police pending further enquiries to answer on 4 March and his dog seized by police.

Stop seizing them - they have no evidential value. Start shooting them. Preferably in front of their scum owners. 

H/T: Dave Ward via email

You Need To Get Some Photo Editors From Brixton Or Tottenham, 'Mail'...

...they'd know what a machete really looked like.

Even the blurb writer knows it's not like that!

Is There A Prize For 'Most Errors In A Local Newspaper'..?

What's the difference between £30k and £350k? And 'undergo' is all one word. 

So the hapless reporter was clearly told to go away and try again, and came up with this masterpoece!

*sighs*

H/T: Ian J via email

Sunday Funnies...

God bless the gamblers...

And I Always Thought He Was A Useless Slacker...

...turned out he did do something worthwhile!

In her resignation letter, Baird said Raab had “encouraged her to apply” for her role rather than being reappointed, as her predecessor had been. She did so, but said she was then “brusquely informed” in early July that there would be no appointment from the process, told she could reapply and asked to stay in post until December.

Gosh, he scraped you off his shoe like you were something nasty he'd stepped in, eh, Vera?

“Victims need to be acknowledged in the criminal justice system, not to bend it in their direction, but to give them basic procedural justice, dignity and support,” she said. “Because if they continue to be treated poorly, they don’t recover from a crime we have failed to protect them from in the first place and participation in the criminal justice system collapses.”

Oh, despite my frequent blasts at the criminal justice system, you have to admit, Vera, it does produce the right result more often than not... 

Is It Better To Be A Coward Than Such A Useless Lazy Incompetent Farce...?

...that the scum know full well there's not going to be any consequences for them?

As the 75-year-old stepped in to save Tess, he said he was bitten on the hand and wrist on both sides as he wrenched to release the bigger dog’s grip. As Tess crawled to safety, he kept the attacking dog held in place. He said that when he asked another man with a dog for help, the man's answer was “they won’t do anything, it’s dog on dog”.

I wonder where they learned that? 

Mr O’Neill said the man produced his phone and instead of calling the police or an ambulance rang someone and said “you better get round here, there’s s*** going on”. Another man appeared, put a lead on the larger dog and they “ran off” towards Palacefields.

Typical owner of these mutts... 

Mr O’Neill made a statement to the police a few days later, and he said Halton Borough Council has shown interest in investigating the matter. He branded the men “cowards” for fleeing the scene.

Have the actual people tasked with enforcing the law shown any? 

A Cheshire Constabulary spokesman told the ECHO: "Enquiries in relation to the incident are ongoing and officers are working closely with Halton Borough Council."

That'll be a 'no' then. And that's why scum like this feel free to continue walking their weapon dogs unmolested... 

Sure You Are...

“The app provider appears not to recognise transgender women as female. I am legally permitted to identify as female.”

...but just because you're legally permitted to deceive yourself, doesn't mean everyone else has to play along. 

An open letter on Grover’s Twitter page says she created Giggle after suffering abuse and being told she needed a “strong female support network”. She claimed she originally allowed transgender women on to the platform but changed this policy after receiving death threats through “Kill TERF” groups on the app.

If they got what they wanted, why would they threaten? Because you can never, ever satisfy fanatics. That's why. 

After initially suing Giggle and Grover in the federal circuit and family court in July this year, Tickle dropped the case, afraid of the legal costs after hearing the firm’s CEO would take the matter all the way to the high court if she had to. 

Saying she now had “limited funding” to pursue the lawsuit, she is asking the federal court for approval to launch her case out of time.

Who's bankrolling this, then? 

Is Your Middle Name 'Canute', Simon..?

Danes, who has 18 convictions for 39 offences, told the court he had no recollection of his actions.

Hardly surprising, they must all blend into one. Still, with that record, I expect he's going somewhere familiar? 

Handing down 11 months custody suspended for two years...

Huh! Maybe not... 

...Judge Simon Taylor KC ordered Danes to stay sober for the best part of four months.

Because that works, right? 

The judge branded his racist language “disgusting”, but said his recent four years of staying out of trouble, alongside a positive work record, allowed him to suspend the jail term.

*sighs* 

I Guess We Don't Have A Council Housing Crisis After All...

A 'house of horrors' where a 'truly evil' monster murdered his pregnant partner and three children with a claw hammer is set to be demolished after the killer was jailed for life.

North East Derbyshire District Council, which owns the property valued at roughly £100,000, came to the decision after tenants in the adjoining home in Killamarsh asked to leave.

Not if we can indulge in such utterly pointless gestures. Not that there isn't precedent, of course. Lots of it.

...a spokesman added that the building would be replaced with a 'fitting commemoration' to those who lost their lives there on September 19 last year.

Two houses lost to the council stock for what..? 

The Sort Of Owner That Would Let Them Do This Won't Care What Condition They Were In...

Police are investigating after 27 sheep were killed in what officers have called the 'worst livestock attack' they have ever seen.

The incident happened following a dog attack in a field near Sittingbourne. The ewes, who were all believed to be pregnant, were attacked between Christmas Eve and 1pm on Boxing Day. 

PC Marc Pennicott, of Kent Police’s Rural Task Force said: "These dogs would have been covered in mud and returned home exhausted and we are committed to identifying their owners. "

Why does he assume the owner/owners weren't present at the time? 

H/T: Nemisis Benn via email 

Not Very Christian...

Martin Butterworth, prosecuting, said Nawrot was barred from contacting the woman or going to her home address under a domestic violent protection order (DVPO) and under bail conditions imposed by police while officers investigate other allegations against him.

You have to ask why she let him in then, but no-one apparently does... 

Defence solicitor Sean Wilson, for Nawrot, said: “He appears to have a problem with alcohol, in particular when he drinks vodka.”

Not that we're validating any Polish stereotypes here, you understand..? 

York magistrates told Nawrot: “The offences are so serious only a custodial sentence can be justified,” and locked him up for 16 weeks. They also made him subject to a restraining order for two years to protect the woman.

Errr, didn't he already breach one of thoise? Twice? 

Nawrot, of no fixed address, pleaded guilty to assault and breaching the DVPO, the second time he had breached the order. He followed proceedings through a Polish interpreter.

Thought so! Maybe 'restraining order' doesn't translate well into Polish? 

Looks Like It's The First Time It's Ever Stopped A Food Delivery...

A woman has been fined after her American Bulldog-cross bit a food delivery driver on the back.

Dawn Leadbitter's dog was in her garden when the victim pulled up to drop off groceries at her address. A court heard the animal jumped up a 4ft fence and sunk his teeth into the man's torso.

Poor woman, without her takeaways, she'll waste aw... 

Why are they always smiling?

OK, never mind.

The defendant appeared at Newcastle Magistrates' Court to admit having a dog dangerously out of control and causing injury. But she was spared jail and instead fined £300, ordered to pay £85 costs and a £120 victim surcharge, Chronicle Live reports.

I guess that's why she's grinning...

The dog was made the subject of a contingent destruction order, where it must be kept muzzled and on a lead at all times in public or risk being put to sleep.

The court heard the dog had been recused (sic) from an adoption centre and had never behaved in such a manner before.

Seem to have heard that phrase a lot lately... 

A Lot More Than Gender Was Revealed...

A single-mother-of-two has been spared jail despite...

Yes. She looks exactly as you might imagine. 

...drunkenly knocking out another woman's teeth in a vicious attack after blaming her for spilling a glass of red wine down her at a gender reveal party.

Wow! Attacked two people and got away with it? Her lawyer must be a combination of Clarence Darrow and Atticus Finch... 

In mitigation, defence lawyer Chris Hunt said he did not agree that it was a 'persistent assault' claimed it could not be known if substantial force was used as it was not known if Miss Mitchell was using dentures.

Ugh! Or maybe not... 

Chairwoman Jane Davies said: 'We have listened to the facts. It must have been frightening for the people who were injured. But we have listened to what your solicitor has said and your previous good character has stood well for you.'

Yes, yes, I know 'good character' is a legal term, not a moral one...but surely the magistrate has heard the phrase 'in vino veritas'..?

And Sadly, None Of Them Were Eaten...

Well, they wouldn't call it 'hunting' if it was a sure thing, would they? What could have given rise to this lack of success?

On Monday, the Guardian accompanied 200 hunters as they went to kill wolves in the frost-covered forests between Gävleborg and Dalarna, hunting from midnight until the sun set at 3pm.

Oh. Leave aside the idea that this rag has 200 'journalists' spare for this, can you imagine...?

"Wow, it's cold, isn't it? Ugh! I just stepped in something! Why is it so dark? What was that noise! I'm tired. I want to go home..." 

There's Good News And Bad News For Hookers In The Sunshine State...

First, the good news:

Prostitution will be easier in California through Senate Bill 357 that would repeal current laws that prohibit loitering in the state with the intent of prostitution. Woke Democratic Senator Scott Wiener authored the bill to halt the crack down of the criminalization of prostitution. Wiener insisted argued that the current law targets the LGBT and black communities 'for simply existing and looking like a “sex worker” to law enforcement.'

Now, the bad:

Fur has been a part of California history before the gold rush in the 1800s with several Europeans and Americans flocking to the west coast for otter and seal fur. Now, fur products may no longer be sold or made in the state under Assembly Bill 44 authored by Assemblymember Laura Friedman (D). Violators can face up to a $1,000 fine, according to The National Review.

 "I hope that's fake, sweetie.."

More Hyperbole, 'Daily Mail'..?

For shame! I'm sure it's not as...

Oh. OK. As you were...