Squat, Brutish And Short-Tempered, With Few Redeeming Qualities...

...but enough about the owners of pit-bulls, what about the animals themselves?

The court heard the pair have suffered threats in their local community and have had their windows smashed and been forced to move as a result of the incident.

 Hmmm, is this thing on?

Recorder Anton Lodge QC sentenced both Mitchell and Mielnik to three month suspended prison sentence.

'The community should realise the punishment for what you have done is reserved to the courts, which are publicly seen and overlooked,' said the recorder.

Oh, they knew that, and they probably realised that they'd get off with little punishment. Gosh. I wonder why they decided not to trust the court system?

It's a real puzzle, isn't it?

Post Title Of The Month

Ross on Ch4s new potato famine documentary:

Quote Of The Month

Leg-Iron on the art of not being offended:

Labour MP Khalid Mahmood said there was ‘no justification’ and urged British broadcasters and newspapers not to carry the cartoon. ‘These cartoons are not satire, they are not in good taste – they are just offensive,’ he said.

"They don’t offend me at all. Furthermore I do not believe that everything should be made to fit with someone’s idea of ‘good taste’, not even mine. There are magazines I don’t like at all and you know how I avoid being offended by them? I don’t buy them. It’s not difficult."

Post Of The Month

Longrider on the final slipping of the mask of the Green Menace.

“What Killed The Dinosaur, Mummy? Was It A Meteorite?”

“No, sweetie. It was the march of the ecomentalists through our institutions…”

He was erected in the aftermath of the Winter of Discontent and has stood tall through the governments of six prime ministers.

But now Dippy, the Natural History Museum’s beloved dinosaur cast, is to be moved from his spot in the entrance hall where he has welcomed wide-eyed visitors since 1979.

In his place will hang the huge skeleton of a blue whale, the biggest creature on Earth, and the largest example of its kind in the world.

Oh no! Why is he going? I'll miss him, he's always the first thing I see when I go to my favourite place in London.

“If I am honest there has been concern about Dippy going,” said Sir Michael, “But a lot of people do not realise that it is not actually a real dinosaur whereas the whale will be the real thing. Which I think is important. ”

Oh. So…it’s all a question of accuracy? Well, that's a shame, but who could really argue ab...

Oh.

Sir Michael added: “As the largest known animal to have ever lived on Earth, the story of the blue whale reminds us of the scale of our responsibility to the planet.

“This makes it the perfect choice of specimen to welcome and capture the imagination of our visitors, as well as marking a major transformation of the Museum.

“This is an important and necessary change. As guardians of one of the world’s greatest scientific resources, our purpose is to challenge the way people think about the natural world, and that goal has never been more urgent.”

Ah! Right. Got it, now.

Sorry, kiddiewinks, but Dippy has to go so we can show you what awful bastards you’ll all grow up to be if you don’t do something about global warming & the rape of Gaia.

You Know Who Else Doesn't Learn Lessons, Judge Tabor..?

Judge Jamie Tabor QC told him at that time: “I am frankly loathed to send him back to prison. I am going to give him a chance to show he has learnt his lesson.”

Maybe it's you?

Yes, I think it is.

Post Title Of The Month - Special Charlie Hebdo Edition

Well played, Al Jahom, well played...

Quote Of The Month - Special Charlie Hebdo Edition

Bill Sticker sums up the issue in inimitable style:

"Even though, like a lot of people, I’d never even heard of Charlie Hebdo until the Jihadists propelled it centre stage. Quite frankly, having had a look at said magazines content I wouldn’t have crossed the street to piss down their throats if their lungs were on fire. Now however, outside of the lamestream media, those ‘blasphemous’ cartoons the fanatics wanted to suppress for ‘offending’ their prophet (How exactly do you offend a dead guy, BTW?), have spread like a forest fire on steroids. Said magazines readership is way up and the gunpersons Islamist buddies are about to catch some extra garlic flavoured hellfire and napalm. Oh yeah, and yet even more people are queuing up to ‘insult’ their prophet. Marches of support for the dead lefty’s (Whether the same amount would have turned out had Charlie Hebdo been right wing is moot). Growing protests across Europe against the attackers religion. That worked out well, didn’t it?"

Post Of The Month - Special Charlie Hebdo Edition

MacHeath takes it away in song. Sublime as always.

I Think Sussex Police Should Buy Them A New Puppy..

...since their lack of appropriate action contributed to this:

Police had previously warned Benji's owner, Julie Cooksley, 61, that she must keep control of her pet after the animal had attacked another dog.

But they didn't take any action. And so...

She was fined £250 and ordered to pay £215 in costs and compensation when she appeared at Crawley Magistrates' Court.

Once again, a level of 'compensation' that won't even cover half of the monetary value of the lost pet, let along compensate for the trauma.

Sussex Police website says:

"If you see a dog dangerously out of control in a public place please call 999. If you are worried about a dog that is not an immediate threat email 101@sussex.pnn.police.uk or call 101."

"And we'll issue warnings that have far fewer teeth than the animal... "

“Hello, Health & Safety? I’d Like To Report A Dangerous Slippery Slope…”

Mr Brown said his work to bring about changes to legislation to protect women from domestic abuse has helped him deal with the grief felt over his daughter's death.

But he insisted that more could be done to protect women from abusive men, including improved use of the police national computer to identify potential abusers.

I’d love to see what criteria they plan to use for that!

Do we have any bald, floating psychics stashed at Home Office HQ..?

Salford and Eccles MP Hazel Blears said: "The fact there have been almost 4,000 applications shows just how serious a problem domestic violence is in this country and two women a week are killed by a current or former partner. We should be looking to protect those who could be at risk of abuse wherever it is safe and appropriate to do so.

"We should also be gathering evidence about how often disclosures lead to people ending their relationship, and ensuring they are then getting all the support they need at that point."

Oh, fabulous!

Just chucked your boyfriend because the police check came back positive? Don’t worry! Someone from the government will come round with a crappy DVD & a bottle of wine and listen to you tell them you were too good for that bastard anyway…

SMONA*

Nurses were forced to call in police after a large group visiting a mother and newborn baby became aggressive and threw objects at them.

The group of 30, who were trying to visit the same patient, had to be dispersed from the Royal Bolton Hospital's postnatal ward by officers.

An eyewitness said they were "screaming" at staff and police and even waited outside to throw objects at staff as they were leaving.

How odd that there’s no description given of these people, eh? And also how telling…

Heather Edwards, director of communications at Bolton NHS Foundation Trust, said: "We have a policy that no more than three visitors per bed should be on the postnatal ward.

"This is for the safety of mothers and babies.

"Unfortunately on Saturday a large number of people arrived to visit a small number of new mums and their babies, and staff had to remind them of our policy.

"Some visitors objected to this and our staff were subjected to aggressive and threatening behaviour. Staff called security who called the police. We would like to remind visitors to the maternity unit not only to abide by our policy, which is for the safety of mothers and babies, but also that we will not tolerate verbal or physical aggression towards our staff."

So…you’ll be pursuing the matter via the criminal justice system or the civil courts, will you? Or is this boilerplate platitude dished out to the local press by your PA all you intend to do?

A police spokesman said: "There was a large group of people that had become aggressive.

"About 20 to 30 people had wanted to visit someone and the nurses had stepped in to say they could not do that.

"We dispersed the group, who left the ward, and did not make any arrests."

Why not? I’d expect arrest if I took part in a group attack on staff trying to do their job.

*Screaming Mob Of No Appearance

Ministry Of (In)Justice…

A grieving mother was left sickened after her son's jailed killer was pictured laughing on Facebook.

OK, let’s face it, trying to stop this is virtually impossible. It’s what you do when you’ve discovered it that counts.

Photos of serving inmates in jail can only be released with the prison governor's permission.

Mrs Shearer said: 'Apparently you can have photos taken in prison. They shouldn't be put on Facebook or social media, but they obviously didn't give a damn.'

And why not?

Well, the attitude of the authorities when this is brought to their attention might have something to do with it:

The Ministry of Justice originally denied that the picture had been taken in prison, but today have admitted that the photo featuring Redman and his brother was taken in jail.

Here’s a thought: the person or persons that authorised the release of the initial lie should be dismissed for misconduct in a public office.

Maybe then, it’d be taken more seriously?

The Police Can’t Win…

PD had been arrested for being drunk and disorderly; she had a history of mental health problems. Her parents were not informed that she had been detained overnight. Three female officers carried out the strip search. She was put into a gown. Her pants were removed, supposedly because it was feared she could use the elastic to hang herself. CCTV from the cell shows her ripping her hair out and banging her head against the wall – evidence, it is said, that she felt degraded.

The family lost their case in the county court. Campaign organisations Just for Kids Law and the Children’s Rights Alliance for England (CRAE) have intervened in the appeal court.

Oh, a bunch of pressure groups is pushing this? How surprising.

The appeal court hearing on Friday into the case of the girl, who was 14 at the time, will highlight concerns that officers are traumatising youngsters who often have no parent or appropriate adult present to support them.

By preventing them from killing themselves? Well, I’m fine with the possible consequences if the police don’t strip search. Are the parents?

Welfare organisations fear that strip-searching children in police stations is becoming routine, possibly because officers are increasingly anxious to prevent detainees from attempting suicide.

Well, how unusual! Since they are hauled over the coals when some looney-tunes manages it, with the usual baying mob in the progressive press, is it so surprising that they become risk-averse?

The girl’s mother told the Guardian: “My daughter had come into contact with the police quite a lot. She had been having mental health treatment. She had been stripped in the cells before but had always complied.

“On the first occasion she was only 12. It’s happened five times now. They were supposed to ring her clinical psychologist. None of the family was contacted.

“The officers said she was drunk but it was partially her condition. They had to wait for a female officer to arrive.

“At one stage she went unconscious. They stripped her and put her into a gown. She was left in her cell for 10 hours, until morning. She had never been so traumatised before. She told the county court that she was treated ‘like she wasn’t human’.”

Well, no, we’re a lot keener to preserve human life than we are that of an animal. That’s why they went to such lengths.

What would you prefer – a live daughter or a dead one? It’s as blunt as that – the police don’t have time to babysit everyshould be secure mental health facilities for these people, but there aren’t, so the police have to do the best they can until they are built.

Wrong Tense, Surely..?

John Stokes, defending, said his client had both emotional and behavioural problems but had a partner and a young child to look after.

He's 19 years old. And what self-respecting woman would want to sta...

Ah. I see my mistake. Clearly, she's got no respect for herself, or for her child.

One Story, Two Headlines...

First, the 'Daily Mail': 

Next, the 'Guardian':

Confused..?

Well, I Guess This Is Proof The Gender Wars Are Over?

I mean, clearly all the big issues have been resolved?

Marks & Spencer is at the centre of a new sexism row for its decision to aim a range of dinosaur-themed children’s clothes — in partnership with the Natural History Museum — only at boys.

So the ‘Let Clothes Be Clothes’ campaign group and someone from the ‘Women In Science and Engineering’s’ young women’s board immediately mounted their hobby horses and began rallying their shrill troops.

As happens after every tedious little slight these harridans pick up on, after a social media campaign, the company immediately gave in. Thereby ensuring that they will never, ever be free to do anything these unrepresentative groups don’t like.

Not to be outdone, the anti-racism mob needed to find something even stupider to die in a ditch over, and they managed it:

Argos faced “racism” accusations today after selling white dolls for £10 more than their equivalent £24.99 black and Asian ones.

/facepalm

The chain store apologised and blamed “a genuine online pricing error”. It added: “We are urgently rectifying this and can confirm all three dolls will be priced at £24.99.”

So those who prefer a white doll won’t be gouged for an extra tenner? Result!

Hey, Durham Police, Here's How Real Men Deal With Injured Deer...

Olympic gold medallist Greg Rutherford has revealed how he carried an injured deer for two miles to his home after finding it while out walking his dogs.

...

Not wanting to leave it in pain, he carried it two miles and arrived home exhausted and covered in blood to the astonishment of his partner Susie.

Sadly, despite the best care at Tiggywinkles Animal Hospital, it died.

But it was luckier than the poor bloody beast that Durham Police's finest turned up to 'help':

Andrew Pittilla and Brian Clewlow, from Durham Constabulary, were alerted to the animal after it was hit by a car. On arriving at the scene they decided to carry it to the side of the road in the hope it would recover.

But two days later they returned ...

Yes, this is indeed that case, and we all know how they then dealt with the unfortunate animal.

The officers told a disciplinary panel their actions had been in the best interests of the animal and they gained no satisfaction from it.

They were removed from firearms duties and given final writing warnings but the panel stopped short of sacking them.

So, if you are ever arrested by these two charmers, you know what to do...

Creating Safer Neighbourhoods – Yr Doin’ It Wrong…

Snaresbrook Crown Court heard how Kabeer Yousaf, 31, was working for Green Street Safer Neighbourhoods Team in 2012 when he arranged to have sex with a woman in her 40s at a brothel in Corporation Street. Afterwards, he returned wearing uniform and demanded £2,000 to remove her details from the Metropolitan Police’s data systems.

Ah, diversity and positive discrimination to recruit from ‘unrepresented minorities’ is such a good idea, isn’t it?

In October that year, he investigated anti-social behaviour at a brothel in St Stephen’s Road, and returned a week later to demand the woman running it pay him money or he would shut it down.

The frightened woman agreed to pay £500 a fortnight, with Yousaf sometimes having sex with women at the brothel in lieu of payment.

I suppose the only saving grace is that he didn’t give the game away by his choice of automobile…

Following a trial which began on October 6 and finished on December 29, Yousaf was found guilty of two counts of blackmail, conspiracy to commit misconduct in a judicial or public office and committing misconduct in a public office.

I hope a lengthy custodial sentence awaits.

/Golfclap For Tell MAMA...

A formal complaint about the incident, obtained by The Independent, alleged that the teacher had “expressed his desire to purchase t-shirts with cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad as a way to challenge Muslims who are offended”.

The report said the teenager, whose parents have asked that he remain anonymous, was the sole Muslim in his class and had felt “unfairly targeted and belittled” by the discussion.

I don't think it's going to be too difficult to identify him from these details...

But when you're pushing an agenda omelette, you can't do it without breaking a few eggs, eh?

And please note, that an article that includes this footnote should be taken with an entire salt mine, not just a pinch:

Tesco attack

A young Asian dentist was attacked by a knife-wielding assailant at a Tesco supermarket in Mold, Wales. Police said they were treating the assault as racially motivated. A 25-year-old man has been charged with attempted murder.

Booooo! Nasty white supremacists going around knifing people because they are musl...

Wait. What?

There’s just one catch: Zack Davies is a Muslim who calls himself Zak Ali, and who warned on his Facebook page on the morning of his attack in Tesco: “The wrath of Allah is about to come down upon the kaffir, I will have my revenge.”

Oh. Umm....

Then She Lied. Isn't That Misconduct?

"The police officer told me there was nothing she could do because it was a dog on dog attack," she said.

Well, she was lying to you. Pity you don't let us know her name.

"Even though the warden said they had never seen such horrific injuries and asked for photos, he later told me the case was closed."

I'd really like to know his name too. Because I bet they crop up again.

A police spokesman said: "An investigation is ongoing and we are trying to identify the owner of the animal that bit the victim's dog. We will able to assess whether any offences have been committed under the Dangerous Dogs Act."

Loosely translated, this means: "Oh, damn! She went to the papers! OKm churn out some boilerplate stuff so it looks like we're doing something.."

A spokesman for the council said it was a police matter.

They must share the same PR staff,

You’d Have To Have A Heart Of Stone…

…luckily, I do!

Chairman Francis Barnes- Challinor, who has pledged to continue the service, said the not-for-profit organisation is desperately applying for grants to pay off its debts, but believes the authorities which direct people to the foodbank should support it.

Why? Is it their fault you’re an idiot, then? That you set up a non-for-profit and assumed that meant you wouldn’t have to pay any bills?

“The volunteers are very disappointed, of course. We have been here nearly a year.

“We didn’t think we would get into this financial state when we took the premises. We thought people would help us to pay the rent.

“At the moment, we deliver a lot of parcels to certain points such as probation, the council, the churches, or a lot of them used to help us by coming here.

“But they don’t offer any financial help or any volunteers.”

Well, why should they? You’ve taken away a burden so they are happy to see you shoulder it. They bear no responsibility for your plight. That falls to you.

The organisation is also hoping to offer courses, including cookery and management skills, in a bid to generate funds for any future rent.

Hmmm, I wonder if that will include financial management..?

"What Do We Want?" "Immortal Lesbians!"

"When do we want them..?"

"Now!"

Make up your minds, progressives!

Speelchik Would Have Sorted This Out, Tesco..!

No need to thank me. Every little helps!

"I Talk To The Trees..."

....and they say 'Suffer, bitch!':

“I don’t want to move out because I’ve got beautiful neighbours. This place feels like home to me.”

Aggie Dabska's problem?

Aggie Dabska, 34, said her chronic fear of spiders has stopped her opening any of the windows facing the dreaded tree outside her Cardiff home.

/facepalm

And if the spiders in the tree weren’t bad enough, Aggie said the tree has also stopped light entering her eight-year-old son’s bedroom and has blocked her phone signal at her home in of Plymouth Wood Close in Ely.

Maybe it's an Ent, and it's really, really mad at you?

“After I posted a note online, someone came and hacked off some of the branches so it is a bit better now, but no one ever calls me about it.”

Who do you think should call you?

Ely Councillor Sue Goddard said: “We don’t have a letter from Ms Dabska on record, but now that we are aware of this we will see what we can do. However it is unlikely that the council would cut down the tree as it is their policy not to cut down healthy trees.

“As it happens we have been trying to get some other trees pruned for about five years on Plymouth Wood Close, and so we will be adding her concerns to a letter we are addressing to the council’s parks department.”

Ah, yes, it takes five years to get trees pruned. Truly, the local councils are typical agents of the State!

Sunday Funnies...

"To protect and serve..."

All The Training In The World…

…won’t stop someone doing something stupid:

Natalie Rivans was shopping with her girlfriend Helen Embleton at Tesco Extra in Surrey Quays when a cashier who had served a pregnant lesbian couple in front of them apparently said homosexuality was "wrong" and "all gay people should die alone". When Ms Rivans challenged the worker after the incident on January 3, she allegedly responded: "It's a free country so I can say what I like".

The couple, both 30, then complained to the store manager. Tesco today confirmed an internal investigation had been launched and the cashier has since faced a disciplinary hearing.

So, all’s well that ends well, right?

Ms Rivans, who lives with her partner in Deptford, said they were "mortified" by the abuse and had demanded a full apology from Tesco. She said: "It is not something I have ever come across in London before. I am really disgusted.

"We were absolutely mortified. Tesco need to change their policy and procedures."

Eh..? Why? What did they do that encouraged this?

Ms Embleton, who works for the NHS, said: "I was just surprised at [the cashier's] audacity. She was not bothered that she had offended her in the slightest. She was so blasé when she said it was a "free country". I have not been out for long so have not experienced homophobia. It is just not acceptable in this day and age."

Did Tesco somehow lead this cashier to believe that it would be acceptable, then? Do you have proof of this?

Simon Feeke, spokesman for gay rights charity Stonewall, urged Tesco to review its training guidelines following the incident.

Why, do they have an ‘Insulting The Customer’ course, or something?

"Through our Diversity Champions programme we have worked with Tesco to ensure they have policies and procedures to deal with incidences like this.

"We’re encouraging Tesco to review their current training provision and make sure they follow our latest guidance on staff training on fair treatment and respect for gay colleagues and customers.

"In modern Britain businesses should welcome all customers. It’s not just the right thing to do, it’s basic business sense."

Ah, right, so really, what this is about is you seeking to use this incident to justify your own continued existence?

A Tesco spokeswoman said it had apologised to the couple and was now formally investigating the complaint. "We work hard to make sure that everyone is welcome at Tesco and put great emphasis on celebrating diversity and ensuring that we are an inclusive place to work and shop.

"Any remarks or actions from our colleagues which are not in line with these beliefs are not acceptable and will not be tolerated.”

I fail to see what more Tesco can do, frankly. If an employee takes it into their head to breach all the guidelines, there’s nothing to stop them. All Tesco can do is discipline them afterwards. Which they have.

Case closed.

Maybe That's Exactly What Is Needed..?

The education secretary, Nicky Morgan, has come under fire from lawyers who claim her latest guidance could result in more children being expelled from school.

Yes. And..?

Just for Kids Law has challenged Morgan’s proposals to lower the expulsion threshold. Under new statutory guidance, headteachers can remove a child from class if their conduct is deemed detrimental to the education or welfare of others in the class.

The previous threshold required schools to establish that serious harm was being caused to others.

There follows the usual old flannel you'd expect, from luminaries such as Lorraine Schofield, headteacher of Wootton primary school in Northampton and Robert Campbell, principal of Impington Village College.

All bewailing the effect this will have on the poor lambs disrupting every other kid's education. Because they *sob* are victims!

And then we have this:

For too long we’ve always considered behaviour in relation to the interests of the one pupil in the class, rather than the other 29 whose learning has been affected.

I applaud the secretary of state’s response which gives schools the opportunity to ensure that behaviour can be challenged and dealt with robustly.

Of course certain lawyers will make money from such a legal challenge. Of course there are situations like the “cheddars” [when a boy was excluded for taking mini cheddars to school] one that are disproportionate. But for far too long the pendulum has swung in favour of the perpetrators rather than the majority.

Sadly, the person who said this is listed as 'anonymous'. Doesn't that say a lot about how far the progressive rot has spread?

The 'Guardian' Commentariat, Anti Science? Never!

There’s a chill in the air, the usual coughs and colds have started to make the rounds, the scarves are out and the idea of salad for lunch is a long-distant memory. Celebrate all ye lovers of the warming and fulfilling lunch: it’s full-blown soup season.

 Mmmm, soup! And a 'Guardian' article surely free of controversy?

Chicken soup is one of the obvious infusions for the peely-wally. “It’s so good,” says Ogus. “Growing up in a Jewish family, your grandmother’s and your mother’s chicken soup was this mysterious wonderful thing. We love it, although we don’t know why it’s so good.” The secret to good chicken soup is fiercely guarded, and everyone has their own version. Traditionally, it’s a fixture starting Friday night’s dinner in Jewish households. “It has a smell that gives me a hit of nostalgia and makes me feel instantly comforted,” says Ogus. There’s more to it than nostalgia, though. Broths made from bones are a good source of amino acids. “You boil off the impurities to make something delicious, and there’s something satisfying about making things out of bones and gristle.”

Someone more churlish than me might ask where all the classic British soups are, like Scotch broth, pea and ham, cockaleekie, etc.

But that would be wrong! This is an article mercifully free of such...

Oh.

Scientists! What have they ever done for us?

"Happy Birthday To Me..."

Awww, even Google remembered... :)

I'm taking the day off for the festivities. Well, you don't rack up a half-century every day, do you? Normal service will resume tomorrow.

"Shut Up, Proles, Justice Has Been Done Because WE SAY IT HAS!"

Police have insisted justice has been done despite a cancer con woman avoiding jail.

What do the actual victims say?

Victims said: “There is no justice in this world,” as they left Basildon Crown Court, but the investigating officer has reassured them justice has been done.

I think 'tried to reassure them' would be more accurate...

Speaking after the sentence, investigating officer DC Rob Lewis said: "Albeit the victims are disappointed with the sentence received by Mrs Watson, justice has today been served.

"We hope that this will deter others from committing rare crimes of this nature, which have such as devastating impact on the victims and sadly have had an adverse effect on the good work of charities.

“We would like to reassure the public that Essex Police will take positive action to bring offenders to justice.”

They've seen your 'justice' and they clearly don't think much of it.

What was the reason for leniency this time (as if I couldn't guess)?

...her jail term was suspended for two years as she showed remorse had a six-week-old child and a 21-month-old child.

Oh? Did she?

DC Lewis said: "We would like to thank the large number of witnesses and victims for their patience and support throughout the investigation.

"Danielle Watson acted in a cold and calculated manner, she befriended and abused the trust of kind and generous people who wanted to help a person they thought was dying. She obtained significant financial gain, gifts and services from the kind hearted.

"At no stage in the investigation did she demonstrate any form of remorse or shoulder responsibility for her conduct.”

Ah. Only, it would seem, in court. At the behest of her mouthpiece.

Clearly, It’s ‘Proportionate’ To Disadvantage The Children…

Five caravans turned up at Waterhall in Brighton and without full use of all the car parks the Sussex Cross Country meet scheduled for 600 children next Wednesday will be cancelled.

After a joint assessment by Sussex Police and Brighton and Hove City Council an eviction order was sought but three of the five families are not being evicted. The families told the Argus three women living there are pregnant.

So..?

… organiser Chris Jones, chairman of Brighton and Hove Schools Athletics Association and championship secretary for Sussex Schools Cross Country, did not think the parents would feel comfortable seeing children on a course near travellers.

He said: “We’re going ahead with the event but I’ll have to alter the track.

“I’m not going to deny 200 kids the opportunity to run and gain experience.

“But next week, I’ll need all of those car parks because there are 600 kids registered, so I would have to cancel.

“This is a designated sports area, not a travellers’ camping site.”

 Sadly, even 'the chiiiildreeeen!' don't have a winning hand when it comes to those Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers. At least, as far as the authorities are concerned.

Jason Tams, of Brighton Rugby Football Club, who play at Waterhall, fears fixtures could be cancelled and questioned the city’s travel liaison team’s decision, labelling them “too soft” .

Well, yes. Of course they are. They are there to make things easier for the parasites, not the host!

A spokeswoman said: “Police and council are aware of the sensitivity of the location of this encampment and the events due to take place.

“Careful consideration has been given to the full circumstances surrounding this encampment and the use of police powers has been reviewed in respect of the two extended families not currently exempt from eviction.

“The use of these powers has not been considered lawful or proportionate in these particular circumstances.”

Translation: "Kids? Let me check....nope, even with the 'obesity crisis', they don't have enough points to outweigh travellers. No, not even if some are black or disabled."

And Now, From The ‘Ministry Of Silly Ideas’…

Panic buttons could be installed on trains to protect women from sexual harassment under new measures being considered by the Department for Transport.

Only women? Are men subjected to the rowdy attentions of a gaggle of pissed-up hen partiers on the 11:35 to Stevenage supposed to just grin & bear it, then?

But should they reciprocate, and not pass the Wine Goggles Test for the delicate flower of femininity in question, then the outraged female can bring the train to a halt with the power of The Button?

And … where are they supposed to site this proposed ‘No Sex Harassment Please, I’m British!’ button where it won’t be confused with the existing passenger alarm?

More CCTV and police officers on late-night services are also being studied with backing from the British Transport Police.

Well, that’ll be more practical use, I’d have thought. But what’s sparked this off in the first place?

Transport Minister Claire Perry is planning to bring together 60 delegates from women's charities and campaign groups for a conference on improving women's safety on public transport.

Ah. Well, that explains the single-issue nature of the thing, then!

"I am determined to do everything I can to make transport safer for women," she said.

Men can go hang, I guess? That’s inclusive, isn't it?

BTP chiefs say they want to increase the reporting rate of sexual offences on London's transport system by 20 per cent.

Well, stop regarding it as only happening to 50% of the population!

If You Don’t Want The Goods Drawing Attention, Love…

…don’t put ‘em on display quite so prominently!

Seemingly missing Ricky Gervais' cringeworthy moments of yesteryear, Jeremy Renner took on the mantle of "the night's most awkward comment" at this year's Golden Globes.

The star of The Hurt Locker and The Bourne Legacy presented the award for Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie alongside Jennifer Lopez, whose revealing dress had already made headlines on television and Twitter earlier on the Red Carpet. Renner asks Lopez to open the envelope to reveal the winner (which went to Billy Bob Thornton for Fargo) with Lopez responding, "You want me to do it? I have the nails."

Renner then glances down and quips, "You got the globes too", gesturing towards Lopez's deep V-neck dress.

RELEASE THE OUTRAGED FEMINISTS!

The ioke evidently didn't sit well on a night when the hosts, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, made many references to Hollywood's "gender issues" ("Boyhood proves there are still great roles for women over 40, as long as you get hired when you're under 40".)

Furthermore, Maggie Gyllenhaal used her acceptance speech to celebrate the wealth of "actual women" cast in roles on screen.

RELEASE THE SOCIAL MEDIA MOB!

Viewers instantly took to Twitter to criticise Renner's remark.

Well, yes. They don’t, after all, have to do much more than brush the popcorn dust off their fingers, do they? Unlike in the old days, when you’d have to pick up the phone or buy a stamp to register your outrage…

On Monday morning, Renner took to his own Twitter account to respond to the criticism, calling on people to not take his remark seriously and calling Lopez a "gem".

Yeah, like these people can ever be reasoned with. Honestly, don’t even try.

Yet More Special Pleading...

The incident drew criticism from Caroline Lucas, MP for Brighton Pavilion.

She said: “This is just the kind of anti-common sense example of a policy being taken too far.

“It beggars belief that a business would deem this sort of treatment of people acceptable and allow it to happen in the first place, let alone again.

“I trust that the store’s management will apologise immediately and train its staff appropriately in future to ensure this never happens again.”

Good lord! What happened?

Surely Caroline Lucas, of all people, wouldn't make a fuss over nothing?

Rosemary Frazer, campaigns manager at disability charity Scope, said: “Companies should have a clear and transparent policy on whether disabled people can use their accessible toilets for free.

“Disabled people often find town and city centres don’t meet their needs. As a wheelchair user I know it can be incredibly difficult to find accessible toilets.”

Wait...what?

Shaun Thorogood, 30, who has cerebral palsy, is the latest customer to tell The Argus they were refused entry to the loos at the Burger King restaurant in North Street, Brighton.

Ahhh, yes. The not-unreasonable demand from a business that only paying customers use it's facilities has been translated (by the usual suspects) into a demand that certain identity groups be considered privileged above all others.

Who Says Crime Doesn't Pay (Again)?

Judge Paul Glenn certified Lilley benefited from his criminality by £10,000, but as he has no assets, the judge declared the available amount to be the nominal sum of £1 and made a confiscation order in the same amount.

The £1 must be paid in 28 days or Lilley will serve an extra seven days in prison.

 *stunned face*

Barry Stockley was chairman of the Stoke-on-Trent Central Constituency Labour Party before leaving the party in 2010, after attempts to suspend Lilley were blocked by regional party officials during a period of political infighting.

Mr Stockley said there was no point in trying to get any more money from Lilley if he had no assets, but said there had been a missed opportunity to prevent him taking as much as he did.

Pity the judge couldn't place a confiscation order on the Labour Party instead...

You Can Tell Pegida Has The Progressives Scared…

…by the arguments they use against it; Timothy Garton Ash in CiF hits all the right bogeymen buttons:

The protesters have taken the 1989 velvet revolutionary chant of Wir sind das Volk and given it a quite different meaning: not “We are the people”, aspiring to democratic self-determination, but “We are the Volk”, ethnically defined, as in the mouth of Adolf Hitler.

Hitler, readers! Hitler .. !!!

Pegida stands for Patriotische Europäer Gegen die Islamisierung des Abendlandes, usually translated as Patriotic Europeans against the Islamisation of the west. But the word Abendland is a strikingly old-fashioned one, meaning literally “evening land” (ie where the sun sets). It was used by Oswald Spengler in his monumental post-first world war tract of German cultural pessimism, Der Untergang des Abendlandes, only weakly translated as The Decline of the West.

Scary German concepts! Scary German language! German, get it?

… there are plenty of politicians, journalists and rabble-rousers around to stir that suspicion. Ukip’s Nigel Farage has even talked of a “fifth column” amid his English folk. (Or is that Volk?)

HITLER AGAIN! ARE YOU GETTING IT NOW!?!

This in turn will produce more anxiety among European Muslims and, if we are not careful, more radicalisation among a small minority of them.

See, we can’t possibly talk about the radicalisation of a small sector of Muslims in case that makes them a large sector of radical Muslims.

Gosh, it makes so much sense!

It is horrifying to hear French Jews, members of one of the largest and oldest Jewish populations in Europe, saying that they no longer feel safe in France. Such antisemitic attacks feed into more suspicion and fear of Muslims…

You see, it’s all the Jews’ fault! There they go, being victims again, and thereby causing trouble.

…we non-Muslim Europeans must keep sending these small signals to our Muslim fellow Europeans, both online and in our everyday personal interactions. The best signal of all is the one that indicates no explicit signal is necessary. This is what happens most of the time in a city like London: you just take it as given that Muslim British people are as much Brits as anyone else – that in truth there is no “they”, just a larger, gloriously mixed and muddled “us”.

Until, y’know, they make it plain that they are not ‘just like us’ and they are, in fact, very much not like us…

Christ, What’s Smaller Than A Nano-Violin?

The mother of a young British jihadist who fought with Isis in Syria has spoken of her despair at being left without support since his return home – warning that Britain is at risk of Paris-style attacks because of the Government’s failure to rehabilitate extremists now back on these shores.

Yes, it’s the government’s fault these pampered little darlings who run off to Syria thinking it’ll be like a game of ‘CoD’ come back & have nightmares.

Sheesh!

Nope, this is clearly far too big...

Revealing herself on camera for the first time, she says: “There’s no point in us as a society denying the presence of all these people that are coming back because they are coming back and ignoring the problem isn’t going to make it any better. I feel if these people are just left unattended, not helped, not supported, the potential to society could be devastating. They could become a walking time bomb.”

Unfortunate choice of words…

When asked if James deserves any sympathy, she insists that he poses no danger to British society…

So, there’s no issue then?

Linda adds: “My son’s mildly autistic and that made him extra vulnerable. ”

ARGH! *bangs head on desk*

Progressive Localism: You Are Invited To Have A Say…

…so long as you say what we want you to say; Rowan Moore on inner city building:

It’s not a beautiful word, localism, but it’s an ideal with whose basics it is hard to disagree: that local residents and businesses should have a say in what happens to their communities …

Unless those local residents say ‘No more immigrants, travellers or asylum seekers, please!’ as they then immediately become persona non grata, and someone to be shouted down as loudly and as often as possible.

Government – Here To Help, Remember?

Council leaders described the collision between two new government education policies – the introduction of free school meals up to the age of seven, and pupil premium payments to help schools teach pupils from poor backgrounds – as wasteful and inefficient.

Something local councils should find very familiar, then?

But this is, of course, another fallout from the Clegg ‘bright idea’ to feed all the kiddiewinks regardless of circumstance:

Pupil premiums are awarded partly on the basis of the number of pupils receiving free school meals, but since the government introduced free meals for all infant schoolchildren in September, authorities have been left struggling to convince parents to apply for them in order to qualify for the funding.

Because why would they? It’s not worth it to them; their kids are getting fed for ‘free’, without them having to lift a finger, aren’t they?

Some schools have resorted to offering prizes to eligible parents to convince them to continue to sign up for free school meals.

Fabulous! Schools are actually resorting to bribing the feckless benefit classes in order to score more government funding! It’s like a merry-go-round of waste & bureaucracy!

One officer at Surrey council said: “It was hard enough to persuade parents to sign up in the first place. But this is a bloody car crash.”

Ahahahahahaha! If I wasn’t paying for this (indirectly) I’d laugh even harder!

A Liberal Democrat source close to the schools minister David Laws said: “The pupil premium and infant free school meals are two of the policies Liberal Democrats are most proud of – they would simply not have happened without us in government. As such, there is absolutely no question of us standing back and letting schools lose out.

“Schools have consistently proved the naysayers wrong on this policy, and over the last year have had a huge amount of information and guidance on how pilot areas successfully managed the change. That said, if this does prove to be a problem, we will take further action to fix it.”

What part of ‘this is a problem’ in that article did you not understand, Lib Dem source?

Sounds Like A Job For PETA…

Sandy Maynard said councillors in Beyton, near Bury St Edmunds in Suffolk, failed to provide a decent vantage point and that when she moved from the designated spot, the chairman’s wife, Mary Wyartt, 71, repeatedly tried to obscure her view.

In a final attempt to exercise her right to record proceedings, she told councillors they would have to call police to stop her – and they duly took up her challenge.

Two officers arrived, but took no further action when a member of the public assured them things were under control.

What was she trying to film, that the council were going to such lengths to prevent?

Why, the decision to treat animals as disposable decoration.

Mrs Maynard and her partner Andrew Nimmons, 70, a retired farm worker, are concerned about the council’s ‘inhumane’ policy of reintroducing geese to the village green.

There used to be ten birds at the spot but all died, the mother of one says, because of problems such as dog attacks, being run over by cars or having inadequate shelter.

The council brought in another 15 birds last summer after a poll in which 78 per cent of locals supported the idea – but three have already died.

It’s all very well the locals demanding that they have geese, but perhaps if they drove more considerately and leashed their dogs, they’d deserve to be listened to…

Councillors were forced to accept the filming of meetings last year after a change of law, which led to three members quitting.

Heh! They don’t like their cozy little world rocked, do they?

Last night Mr Wyartt blamed a ‘small minority’ who oppose the reintroduction of geese for disrupting the January 5 meeting.

He said: ‘We have been given guidelines from the Suffolk Association of Local Councils. It says the parish council chairman can set a designated filming area. She was not filming from the area we provided.

‘I am quite a big fellow. I could have manhandled her out, but that would have been a bigger headline than the one we are looking at now.’

I think if you had, you’d find that the police wouldn’t have just gone away…

He added: ‘The filming itself is not the problem – it’s the harassment and abuse caused by cutting it and editing it and putting it on YouTube, which just makes the work of a parish councillor that much harder.’

Tough. You can’t handle a retired schoolteacher, what are you going to do when PETA goons show up on your doorstep?

Once Again. Progressives, It's 'Make Up Your Minds!' Time...

Is separatism OK?

Or is it not OK?

Take your time...

Remember, Folks, Only Trained Professionals Should Handle Firearms…

On Friday, Smith filed a lawsuit against the store to cover his medical expenses and lost earnings - he could not go back to work following the accident after a 30-year career in law enforcement.

Smith is seeking a jury trial, lost income and punitive damages.

'While Mr. Smith was looking at the firearm, believing it to be unloaded, the gun discharged causing serious physical injury to [Smith],' the lawsuit says.

It goes on to say that Smith exercised 'reasonable care and due diligence for his own physical well-being' while handling the loaded weapon, according to the Glasgow Daily Times.

I think treating a gun as always loaded even if you think it isn’t is one of the important safety tips even those who only handle virtual guns have figured out.

It beggars belief that so many so-called law enforcement professionals don’t seem to have grasped it.

Geography With The 'Telegraph'...

This comes from a reader, who points out 'It’s ‘capital’ not ‘capitol’ and in Malawi the capital is Lilongwe, and has been since 1974. Prior to that the capital was Zomba. Although I lived there, in Lilongwe, pre-and post independence, it’s not hard to find this information on the web.'

Indeed not, but clearly, that's not in the job spec for a journalist any more...

H/T: Stephen Brown via email

Goodness, Sonia, You've Let Yourself Go...

The CiF picture team strikes again!

Sunday Funnies...

Yes, lack of save point options is definitely one of my bug-bears...

Get Your White Tongues Off Our Slang, You Racists!

Robin Boylorn is assistant professor of interpersonal and intercultural communication at the University of Alabama. What sort of education can you expect from her?

Well…

While “bae” only made its way to mainstream parlance in the last few years, it is a word that most black folk have been intimately familiar with for decades. … And then Pharrell put it in a song, Miley Cyrus did a cameo, and it gained the attention of mainstream media. Suddenly there were articles attempting to define the word “bae”, otherwise reputable businesses began implementing “bae” in their social media ad campaigns, and everybody and they mama started using it.

I can’t say I did. But still…

Cultural appropriation at its best, steals, reduces, overuses and then disposes of words like so much bathwater. The linguist Jane H Hill defines language appropriation as “a type of complex cultural borrowing that involves a dominant group’s ‘theft’ of aspects of a target group’s language.” Hill claims that the ‘theft’ adds value to white identity while further marginalizing nondominant groups.

Oh noes! We iz bein’ oppressed! Send moneys!

The good news is that black language is resilient and black folk are creative. So even when the dominant culture tries to dispose of the terms it wears out, other words and phrases will emerge.

So, why are you squawking about it?

So, what happens when mainstream culture decides to dispose of a word stolen from black language and then used to the point of saturation in popular culture? Nothing. The word may lose its novelty so that those who appropriated it stop saying or using it, but the word won’t disappear or lose its utility in the black community.

So, again, since you seem oddly hard of thinking for someone in your position, why are you squawking about it?!?

… with any luck, the word will settle back into its original meaning, sans the unsolicited remix of dominant white culture.

So you can use it without those white folk cooties all over it, eh? How juvenile.

Actually, we’d be very happy if you ‘appropriated’ some white culture. Particularly those of us riding on the Tube or on buses in summer.

Aren’t You Sick Of Crying ‘Wolf!’..?

Despite condemnation from Germany’s political leaders, anti-immigrant xenophobia plunged to new depths today with …

Public crucifixion of asylum seekers?

…. disclosures that a Dresden hotelier had been forced to abandon plans to open an asylum-seeker hostel after being mobbed on the internet and seeing his property daubed with racist graffiti.

Oh. Is that all? Is there more?

There were also reports that a 20-year-old asylum-seeker from Eritrea found dead in the back yard of a Dresden housing estate last Monday may have been murdered.

And I guess that could only have been carried out by Nazibigotthugs stirred up by Pegida fever, right? It’s totally unheard of for asylum seekers to ever kill one another…

… the owner of the city’s Prinz Eugen hotel had planned to convert his property into accommodation for 94 asylum-seekers but had dropped the idea after angry protests.

“The hotel owner made the surprise decision to withdraw,” a statement from the city government said.

“He said he did so because of massive opposition from residents.”

It was reported that some 5,700 people had signed an internet petition opposing the asylum hostel project, claiming that it was “pre-destined for conflict” .

Funny, we have protests against hostels and other dumping grounds all the time without someone pushing the ‘racism!’ panic button. I appreciate they have certain…. issues…. in Germany, but really, should locals just have to put up and shut up without voicing an opinion on the transformation of their country?

The Greens say ‘Yes’:

. “It sends the wrong message when a responsible citizen backs down like this because of pressure and fear,” said Jens Hoffsommer, a Green Party spokesman.

Does it indeed? Some might say that it’s about listening to those affected by the consequences of your soft-heartedness. Something you are often personally unaffected by.

But hey, if it’s just a small minority of Nazibigotthugs, what have you got to worry about?

There have been conflicting accounts about the attitudes and backgrounds of Pegida’s supporters. They are said to include both convinced neo-Nazis and impoverished pensioners who feel that they are the losers of Germany’s 1990 reunification.

However, a study conducted by Dresden’s Technical University concluded, alarmingly, that the average Pegida protester was well-educated and middle-class. They attended protests because they were “dissatisfied with politics” , according to the study.

And why the ‘alarmingly’ there? Because that makes it much, much harder to deal with than if they are simply Nazibigotthugs, perhaps?

Chancellor Merkel and the political mainstream remain bound by conviction and Europe’s 20th-century past to declare that Germany should provide asylum for refugees in need.

The past is just that – the past. Europe needs to look to the future. Or risk worse than just graffiti.

Another Case That Sums Up Modern Britain To A 'T'..

Robert Brown also reported the youngsters to police and was delighted when officers came round to speak to him. He assumed it was to take details of his plight...

His plight being local children who were climbing on his garden fence to throw stones at his windows, forcing him to buy anti-climb paint of the type you see everywhere these days.

A sensible measure, because the police can't be everywhere, they are too busy with low-level crime. Or so they always tell us.

...and was shocked to learn he was being prosecuted for criminal damage because the children had got the paint over their clothes.

Their mother alleged that almost £4,000 worth of furniture and carpets had been ruined by the youngsters treading the paint, which does not dry and leaves surfaces slippery, into her house.

To which you'd expect a policeman's response to be 'Then let this be a lesson to you to ensure your children don't abuse the neighbours, madam!"

10 years ago, it would have been.

But don't worry, even if the police are emasculated  tick-box automatons, the justice system will act as the brake on this, as it should do, and...

Oh.

Retired security guard Mr Brown, 76, was hauled to court three times and threatened with a criminal record in a nine-month ordeal as he fought the case which cost around £10,000 of taxpayers' cash.

It was dropped on the day it was due to go to trial last month.

Presumably someone at the CPS woke up and realised how this was likely to play.

Police visited him after their mother, Judith Ripley-Aitchison, 44, complained that her children had traipsed through her home covered in the paint, causing £3,750 worth of damage.

She denied Mr Brown had warned the youngsters about the paint or that they had climbed on to the roof and fence to get it on their clothes, saying it had 'dripped on to them'.

Mr Brown was charged with criminal damage and asked to go to Leigh police station to accept a caution, but refused.

Good for him! That £10,000 should come out of the personal pockets of the cops & prosecutors who pursued this, mind you.

Last night unemployed Mrs Ripley-Aitchison, a single mother-of-six, denied her children made Mr Brown's life a misery.

'I had four children running inside covered, it [the paint] went on the carpets, on curtains, everywhere,' said Mrs Ripley-Aitchison, whose children are educated at home.

Mrs Ripley-Doublebarrel is a council house tenant. Perhaps we can now all see why the lack of social housing might be an advertising hook, despite the progressives' anguished wailing?

'They thought they had found some kind of black mud, they were playing with it. 'The kids may have thrown a ball and a hula hoop over once, but kids are kids. He [Mr Brown] is the type who would complain if a bird pooed in his garden.'

But what of the police, who started this whole sorry process off. Are they suitably chastened?

Sergeant Dave Clarke, of Greater Manchester police, said the case was part of a 'much bigger' neighbour issue and they had a duty to investigate Mrs Ripley-Aitchison's complaint. 'We attempted to resolve the issue by a police caution. As this was refused, he was issued with a summons authorised by the CPS.'

'Nuffink to do wiv us, right? It's not our fault, we was just doin' as we were told, if 'e adn't resisted, 'e wouldn't 'ave got 'urt!'

You cretin, Clarke. That's what the other side of the custody desk is supposed to say!

The World Weeps…

A teenager stabbed to death in a row was an aspiring rapper who wanted to use music to “become the man he always wanted to be,” his heartbroken friends said today.

Not a footballer? I’m shocked.

One 18-year-old friend said: “He was so full of life and had a cheeky smile and would give you the tightest hug. He wanted to do good things and show the world he was someone special.”

And instead he showed the world he was nothing out of the ordinary from any other young street thug.

What’s That Droning Sound?

Colchester MP Sir Bob Russell wants the regulation of drones to be reviewed.

Lib Dem Sir Bob said the unmanned flying machines posed a security threat and were an invasion of privacy.

Ah. Right. It's just another windbag MP.

I'm Sure The Slaughterhouse That Despatched Your Turkey...

Villagers living near a controversial slaughterhouse had a less than pleasant festive experience amid claims that their Christmas was ruined by continuous operations on the site.

Boosbeck Against Slaughterhouse (Bash) outline a catalogue of unpleasant experiences that residents have endured including cars being splattered in sheep waste and people not being able to enjoy Christmas lunch due to the stench. 

...strews rose petals before it as it goes to the knife, and sprays perfumed water into the air.

"As legal advisors paid by tax payers, can you answer this: Do you feel our human rights are being breached in relation to the activities of this business?"

I'll answer for them, shall I? No. You cretin.

Trees Are Immortal..?

Who knew..?

"We wanted to draw attention to the fact that the tree is scheduled for the chop," explained Simon Mouncey, 47, who lives in Chelmsford and is a member of Transition Chelmsford community group.

"No one knows how old any tree of this type is because they never die. If anything were to happen to this tree I think there would be a curse on Chelmsford."

Ummm...

H/T: APILN

Who Lives In A House Like This..?

...well, it's not Dobbin & Lightning, is it?

It was first billed as a stable block and has survived numerous planning battles with Basildon Council, but now its owner has finally revealed his four-bedroom detached home is just that. Tommy Saunders, 41, who owns the property off London Road, Wickford, claimed throughout legal battles with the council it was built to house four horses.

*gobsmacked*

...Mr Saunders convinced two planning inspectors it was not a residence, after appealing enforcement orders.

Ahahahahaha....

Wait. That's not funny. We're paying the wages of these people.

The Echo can also reveal the council got the green light to demolish the property’s ornamental external walls, most of the drive and a fuel oil tank and oilfired boiler more than four years ago, but failed to take action.

*sighs*

Avon & Somerset Police Can Do It...

...why do so many other police forces fail?

A spokesman for Avon and Somerset police said: "On the afternoon of December 22 a female contacted us to say she and her dogs had been attacked. Sadly her two dogs died from their injuries and she received injuries for which she required hospital treatment.

"Following a police enquiry the owner of the dog was located, and the animal – a Japanese Akita – was destroyed on December 23 by a vet under the Dangerous Dog Act.

"We are still keen to hear from anyone with information regarding the attack."

Why not make 2015 the year all police forces started taking this seriously and using the power granted to them to remove these creatures from society?

Gaming 1982: "The Hobbit" (Sinclair Spectrum)

I didn't put a 'teaser' up on my last post back in December because I wasn't sure what I was going to do this year. But over Christmas, reading up on 'GamerGate' a bit more than I'd previously had time for, I was suddenly struck by inspiration...

One of the first games I ever played, on my brother's Sinclair Spectrum (rubber keys!) 'The Hobbit' was....basic. Very basic!



Yup, just that basic! Kids today, with their iPads & PS4s, would look at you pityingly if you told them you once spent hours clustered with the family round a teeny-tiny TV screen, playing this game, and fruitlessly trying to work out how to get Thorin to stop sitting down and singing about bloody gold!

Remember, this was long before the Internet and games magazines, and the easy availability of cheats for when you got stuck. And since it sold a million copies, there must have been a lot of us in need of that!

You can, should you wish to, relive this experience via this emulator.

Victimhood Poker: Black Aces Trump Black Aces..?

Lily Hirsch defends rap music in CiF:

Rap is a musical art form – not sentences simply set to a backing track. Rappers, like poets and other musicians, choose words for their sound, as part of rhythmic schemes, to hit syllabic counts, for assonance, alliteration or consonance, and any of a number of other reasons beyond just dictionary definitions.

Funny. I don't remember anyone at the 'Guardian' advancing this argument when they were cheering the banning of 'homophobic lyrics' in Jamaican dancehall music.

It's almost as if they are all massive hypocrites, or something...

When Is A Property Developer Not A Property Developer..?

...well, I guess when it turns out that's not his main source of income:

Dad-of-one Afyon Saint-Hilaire, 22, was attacked by a gang after he was ambushed outside McDonald's in Old Bromley Road during a botched cannabis robbery plot on July 13 last year.

Prosecutor Dorian Lovell-Pank told the trial: "A number of young men met together for what was supposed to be a cannabis deal - but things were not quite what they seemed because some of the men had other ideas, namely to rob the dealers of their cannabis.

"In the course of the meeting things became violent and one of the dealers was stabbed in the lower part of his leg and one of his companions fired a shot at the others.

No loss to the world of 'property developing', I think...

Yes, You Will, And Yes, It Is...

Durham's Police and Crime Commissioner Ron Hogg predicts it will face "pockets of resistance" from the public and some police officers but insists it is not "soft justice".

Hey, Ron, if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck...

"At the heart of this is the individual and a lot of individuals commit crime because of the situation they find themselves in.

“If we can take them away from crime, make their lives better and have them contribute to society, that’s reason enough to do it.”

*speechless*

Peter Cuthbertson, director of the Centre for Crime Prevention and Conservative Parliamentary candidate for Darlington said: “The notion that prolific criminals will stop offending if only we would give them a chance to do some manual labour has been done to death - it's a nice idea that just doesn't work.

"Ron Hogg should concern himself less with the cost of putting prolific offenders in prisons and more with the very real dangers of keeping them on the streets in places like Darlington. Prison protects the public and has a lower reoffending rate than soft justice alternatives."

Maybe the Durham voters should have elected this chap instead?

Who's To Blame..?

Over the road from where a 12-year-old Indigenous boy was found dying in the Coles car park in Alice Springs last weekend, there used to be a night time drop-in centre run by the local Indigenous health service. Trained youth workers would have been there engaging with the local young people. If it had been open, the boy who died might have been saved. He might not even have been abusing inhalants if there was some other option that night, like playing pool or cruising the internet in a bright place surrounded by friends.

Gosh, where were his parents?

Oh, wait. This is CiF.

But the drop-in centre was closed last year by the Northern Territory government.

Yup! It's all the fault of the State.

As You Do, Part 238749

He said Ashton, who had learning disabilities, had bought the pit bull terrier for cash in a car park in Rugby.

Christ!

Paddy was taken to the vets and despite extensive treatment, which cost £1,200, his owners decided it was best to have their pet put to have their pet put down.

Any chance of getting the money out of the scum responsible?

The magistrates gave Ashton a conditional discharge for a year, and ordered her to pay £600 compensation to Paddy’s owners.

Half. If they ever even see a penny of that...

Why does our laughably named 'justice' system think decent people should have a tragedy compounded by being out of pocket as well?

I Know The Feeling…

…I get it myself in places like Iceland:

Adrian Dagger, defending, said Bailey had mental health problems and suffered from emotionally unstable personality disorder.

He said: “If she finds herself in a situation where she is under stress she gets frustrated and she behaves like a two or three-year-old having a tantrum and it flares up and goes down again.

“She then regrets her behaviour but she finds it very, very difficult to control.”

I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a two or three year old having a tantrum being able to express themselves quite so eloquently and concisely.

Stop Treating It As An Illness...

...it's a crime:

Lisa-Jayne Samuels, 28, of Prince Avenue, Southend, perverted the course of justice by making up the false claims between December 9, 2012, and December 7, 2013.

She admitted the charge when she appeared at Basildon Crown Court yesterday.

The court heard she masterminded the accusations in front of officers and maintained the web of lies during a lengthy police investigation.

A hefty jail sentence? Don't be silly....

Recorder Kenneth Carr adjourned sentencing Samuels until next year so a psychiatric report on her mental state can be written.

Condemnation from those who have to deal with real rapes? Don't be silly...

Speaking after the hearing, Laura Burroughs, manager at SOS Rape Crisis in Nelson Street, Southend, said: “In the experience of SOS Rape Crisis, false rape allegations are low in comparison to genuine cases received through referrals via the police, professionals or self-referral.

“On the rare occasion where false allegations are made, there are usually many complex reasons as to why individuals make that decision.”

Things to change in 2015? Don't be silly...

I Hope This Is Shorthand For...

"...as soon as the court case is over, we're suspending the mad bastard's licence.":

A Civil Aviation Authority spokesman confirmed Woodhouse is a commercial airline pilot.

He said: “In the event a licenced pilot is convicted of an offence, which is relevant to their ability or duties, we may conduct our own enquiry and ask for further details or evidence.

“In addition, further medical and health assessments may also be required.

“Where the health or character of an individual does not meet aviation safety standards, we may suspend or revoke a pilot’s licence or medical certificate.”

Would you fly with him?

Local Newspapers – Keeping Lunatics Occupied For Years…

Amanda Critchlow, 56, was tucking into a slice of steak pie in the cafe at the main Asda store, in Holles Street, Grimsby, when her daughter Rebecca noticed that something was not quite right with the meal.

Oh, lord, please say this isn’t going to be another ‘maggot in the meat pie’ story?

The pie was labelled as being a steak pie on the menu, but after Rebecca sampled a piece she told her mother she could taste ale in its sauce.

Oh. Well, who’d complain abou…

Oh.

The pair confronted staff at the cafe who said the pie did indeed contain ale, and Amanda said there had been no indication of there being so on the cafe's menu.

Amanda, who has been a practising Muslim for the past eight years but who does eat some non-Halal meat, told the Grimsby Telegraph she now feels guilty because consuming alcohol is forbidden in her religion.

/facepalm

Amanda, of Harrington Street, Cleethorpes, said: "I'm a recovering alcoholic and a practising Muslim – I wouldn't even eat a wine gum.

"I have been going to that cafe every Thursday for the past few months to have their steak pie.

"It's a lovely pie and now I know why I like it so much. I couldn't believe it when the staff told me it contained ale."

She added: "Medically, I know it is not going to harm me, but it is the fact that you don't know what you're eating."

Ummm, yes.

You do have to wonder at the sort of people that think ‘Yes, telling this story is going to put me in the best possible light’, don’t you?

I’ll leave it to the newspaper comment section to run with this, I think…

Dailyman

Should have gone to Alan's Snackbar instead

mariners1

I have an Islamic dog that has a tendency to bite people. Should I muslim?

notagain

Jesus... Sorry, Allah. Anyhow - I'm off into the store later to buy some Terrys All Gold. I had best not be disappointed.

AFSCMik

Its alright for you taking the Michael. this poor woman may well not get her 72 virgin Chippendales because of this callous act by ASDA .

H/T: @frank_fisher via Twitter