Dea Birkitt Is At It Again!

Not content with her insistence that the Tate was conspiring against disabled people by asking them to work around its building refurbishment for a few months, like everyone else, she’s now soundiong off on ‘Jamie Oliver’s Dream School’.

As you can imagine, it doesn’t go well:

It's an entertaining mix. We hear Andrew Motion on poetry and Rolf Harris on the impressionists. But there's one ingredient that's missing – the pupils' voice. Despite all its dressing as a daring democratic experiment, Oliver's school is still an adult fantasy served up to young people.

Yes, Dea, that’s because the adults are in charge.

And far from being an awful thing, that’s exactly how it should be.

The School I'd Like, running in the Guardian's education section, is asking young people themselves what would make their perfect school. Few of their innovative, imaginative, often surprising answers are in the documentary series.

And just what are these ‘’innovative, imaginative, often surprising answers’?

Some are large and philosophical – wanting schools in the open air or that wander the country, with "timetables of our choice" to "understanding things properly in our own time". Others are small and practical: "I would like speakers that play music instead of a bell," wrote 11-year-old Aaron Houston-Marham.

OK, I’ll admit there’s a surprise there, certainly a touch of imagination, and I suppose we could stretch a definition and claim innovation, but how exactly would any of this boost educational achievement?

Oh. She’s not finished:

The 19-year-old head girl of Berwick-upon-Tweed high school reported back on a conference she'd organised to elicit children's views. Among the things they thought would make school better were a teacher-pupil swap day, tables in a shady area of the playground and "a big fat door so that everyone can come into school together".

Any plans to improve discipline? Or reduce bullying? Or change the structure or goals of the educational establishment to focus more on acquiring knowledge and less of passing tests?

It would appear not:

You may say all these are just dreams. But unless the users – children – are on the side of any educational initiative, it will fail and so will they.

None of those things are ‘educational initiatives’ – they are simply a wish list.

And a rather stupid and self-centred one, at that.

Sometimes Jamie's Dream School scores a few marks. Many children writing in to School I'd Like said they'd like to be taught by celebrities. They name Christina Aguilera for music and Cristiano Ronaldo for sport. But Jamie's star-studded staff is of a different generation, from politics tutor Alastair Campbell to English teacher Simon Callow. Even Oliver admits his challenging students weren't born when Daley Thompson, his sports teacher, won his Olympic gold medals.

So what? Is their knowledge less valuable because they aren’t ‘in’ wiv da yoof?

Have you considered that they themselves may have been raised and educated under a real education system, and not the shambles we have now?

One of Jamie's educational rejects, Jenny, was particularly impressed by science teacher Robert Winston. "I hate books but love the hands-on stuff. Professor Winston really got me inspired. He had us cutting up a pig, and every day there were experiments. Professor Winston listened to what we had to say. He asked our opinions. It was as if we mattered," she said.

It’s nice that he asked your opinions, but you are there to learn. He has the knowledge, you don’t.

Your opinions are, frankly, worthless, unless it’s to scope out how much you don’t know in order to tailor the lesson better.

Children are being listened to more. Pupil voice is now an academic discipline taught in teacher training and researched in universities.

And standards are falling faster than a NASA satellite and children are being rolled out with worthless ‘qualifications’ and a massive attitude problem as a result.

When this government talks about choice, it means choice about which school your child attends, not what happens inside the classroom. Yet almost every School I'd Like respondent wanted more flexibility in the curriculum, allowing them to study a favourite subject in more depth or a language they loved.

And when (if) they get to a job they are in for a huge, whopping, almighty shock.

They will be expected to do as they are told, when they are told, or else. My god, it’s going to be a baptism of fire…

She signs off with what she clearly feels is a devastating indictment of old-fashioned schooling:

Here's the recipe nine-year-old Ashlynn Chan sent to School I'd Like:

Ingredients

50g of better whiteboards
Two litres of friendship
A tablespoon for a big building
A pinch of more stationary for children (sic... *weeps*)
A large dash of longer ICT lessons
Three bowls of nice teachers
Four small plates of more indoor games
A tonne of more girls
A teaspoon of nice children
Two cups of kind TAs

I wonder if Jamie can cook up that one.

He probably can. But it’ll be inedible. It’s certainly making me feel like retching…