"If you have a problem, if no one else can help..."

This'll undoubtedly warm the cockles of Dick Puddlecote's heart.

It's everyone's favourite mockney chef and proto-Righteous bansturbator, Jamie Oliver, in 'Help me, Jamie, you're my only hope!' plea:

The headteacher of a Worcester school has written to TV chef Jamie Oliver asking him to stop a supermarket giant serving his pupils junk food.

Eh..? What exactly is he supposed to do about it? Blow up the store? Forge documents and get the manager and staff arrested and the store closed under health regulations?

I think headteacher Neil Morris is confusing the porky mockney with Col. John "Hannibal" Smith. Or for younger readers, Michael Westen.

Neil Morris says the Sainsbury’s store next to his school – Christopher Whitehead Language College – is tempting pupils with offers of cheap sweets and fizzy drinks.

Otherwise known as 'selling legal products to customers'.

Mr Morris says he has already had to send teachers to the supermarket to order pupils back to class and fears the school’s canteen will be put out of business if pupils continue to abandon healthy eating options in favour of junk food.

And when you absolutely, positively gotta ensure that everyone is forced to eat the low-budget, tasteless pap on offer in your canteen, you should ensure that they can accept no substitutes, right Mr Morris?

Now he has asked the face of Sainsbury’s and champion of healthy school dinners Jamie Oliver to see for himself the impact he says the supermarket is having on the school.

In the hope that his veins will start to swell, his eyes bulge, his skin turn green, his trousers rip and he lets out his war cry 'Jamie SMASH!!', I presume..?

Mr Morris said: “I am asking Jamie Oliver to come in and to meet with the store manager. All I am asking is that they don’t serve the students after 8.25am (the start of the school day).”

So in addition to all the myriad other things supermarket checkout operators are forced - by the government - to look out for (knives, glue, too many packets of aspirin), they now have to turn away legal custom because some jumped up little babysitter has got in a strop?

“They say they are not, but they are. We have teachers now outside the store getting the children back into class. But these offers are causing poor diet and litter for the pupils and the school.

“They have a great responsibility within the community that they aren’t actually going with or meeting. ”

Oh, listen to yourself, will you? Actually, I suspect that's the problem - you are too damn fond of your own voice and having everyone in your little staffroom hang on your every word.

You've forgotten that in the real world outside the school walls, you are impotent. And that you are paid to administer a school, not impose your own standards for food (you do eat in the canteen every day, don't you? Or wouldn't you be caught dead with a tofu-burger in your mouth, like most people who preach to others?) on the students:

"We don’t want to have to ban our kids from Sainsbury’s but that is the way it could be going.”

And you're going to do that how? Legally, you haven't got a prayer. You've already pointed out your failure to keep them in during school hours.

Sainsbury pointed out some economic realities to this loon:

A spokesman for Sainsbury’s said: "Our stores aim to make a real positive difference to the community so we were sorry to hear that one of our neighbours feels this way.

“As well as special offers on occasional treats like soft drinks and crisps we also offer great deals on fruit and other healthier products."

Before uttering a sinister chuckle and daring Jamie and Neil to do their worst, as most cartoon supervillains do, one supposes...

Even the publicity-hungry TV chef doesn't want to touch this one, after his mauling at the hands of the US viewers:

No-one from Mr Oliver’s company was available to comment.

Heh!

Oh, and I can't help a wry chuckle that the reporter they picked for this story is one Claire Fry...

And when I checked out the college, I noticed this little gem:

Since September 2007, the school was divided into six houses. Each pupil wears a colored tie of their corresponding house, with the exception of pupils in their final year at the school. Pupils now share their forms with approximately 5 pupils from each year at the school in the same house. The houses are:

* Da Vinci
* Pankhurst
* Shakespeare
* Curie
* Brunel
* Seacole

Hmmm, some real giants of science, art, architecture and politics there. And one huge, glaring, politically-correct inclusion.