Where's The Modern Day Keith Anderson To Deal With This Sort Of Thing?

Terrified villagers have been forced to sleep on rooftops or abandon their makeshift homes over fears a rampaging elephant which has killed 22 people will return. The young male, which has one tusk, is still at large in the West Singhbhum district of Jharkhand, around 730 miles east of the Indian capital Delhi. The elephant – thought to be in a mating phase known as musth, a period of increased sexual libido and aggression which can last for up to 20 days – started its killing spree on January 1.

But unluckily for these Indians, there's no longer any capable Scottish Indian ex-Army officer able and willing to sort it out. These are more enlightened times. 

Indian authorities have deployed at least 80 forest officers to find the elephant and tranquilise it.

And then what? Relocate it? A huge undertaking in a Third World country with the typical transport problems they always have. 

The rampage comes as deadly human-elephant conflict is on the rise in India, attributed to rising deforestation, food and water scarcity and increased residential encroachment in areas that were once elephant corridors.

The price of human population explosion is always thus. 

Crank Letters...

Chris Packham has criticised ITV for putting profit ahead of 'environmental morals' as he backed calls for an alleged trophy hunter to be axed from Love Island.

Oliver Williams, 23, was pictured smiling by the carcasses of a warthog, water buffalo (Ed: *rolls eyes*) and sable antelope in Africa.

I guess you don't feel as positive and optimistic then..?

Packham has previously railed against ITV for using animals for entertainment and successfully campaigned to ban the eating of live insects on I'm A Celebrity.

'They've never replied to any of my letters,' Packham said of ITV executives.

Heh! I can just imagine the scene: "Tarquin, we've got another one - different shade of green ink, but I recognise the handwriting...""

He added that killing a warthog for conservation is 'nonsensical' as the species does not qualify as threatened, near-threatened or conservation dependent.

Then it's fair game, surely?

It Certainly Was For The Wolf!

A spokesman said:"What happened Monday is really a one-time incident."

Ummm, yeah. So far.

Stunned zookeepers say they have no idea why the bears attacked.

Oooh, ooh, I know! It's because they're bears!

Dierenrijk Zoo management is not really helping the image of zoos around the world, in their reaction to this totally unavoidable incident.

"The animals are put together to challenge them like this to play with each other."

WTAF?

"It's a piece of enrichment for the animal kingdom. The animals have always lived in good harmony with each other."

Sure. Right up until the point that they don't. And then, because they are in an enclosed space, there's nowhere to flee.

"It's always gone well. We decided years ago to put the wolves and brown bears together. That's good for the animals and we also see no reason to break them up now."

'Hey, look, we engineered the death of an animal through bad planning and starry-eyed ideas, but that's no reason we should change anything now, is it?'

I'm very glad these arrogant morons aren't in charge of something crucial, like an airline or nuclear power station.

How Long Before The Poor Thing Goes Totally Tonto?

Parit Patel, IPSoft's head of solutions, added that the AI would adjust its emotional tone to respond to that of the caller. He said: "If I told Amelia I didn't think she was doing a good job, she would pick up on that."

Good grief! Is this how SkyNet gets started..?

Amelia, created by "digital labour" company IPSoft, based in New York, has already started answering the phones at Enfield Council in a bid to - you guessed it - cut costs.

Yup, that oughtta do it!

I, for one, welcome our vengeful AI overlords with customer-induced PTSD...

Anthropomorphism Will Get You Killed...

Well, it can't help this, can it? After all, it's just how its mouth is shaped:

We have this lovely idea about dolphins and have faith in them – who would think a dolphin would ever attack a person? If you see a ferocious animal coming at you with its teeth bared, it’s scary, but dolphins have this lovely, wide smile.

Still, she's learned her lesson now, right?

After the man pulled me out of the water, Dusty swam away, but then she came back and was bobbing vertically next to me, looking at me. We locked eyes and I felt there was complete remorse in her. She was a totally different dolphin; the anger had gone.

/facepalm