Hey, Craig, I Know How You Can Listen To Uncensored Songs...

Craig Bird, who is currently serving a sentence at Chelmsford Prison, wrote to Inside Time, the national newspaper for prisoners.

Bird wrote to agree with another correspondent who had complained about detainees being "treated like children". He said: "Even National Prison Radio chop out swear words and violent lyrics from the songs we hear, and what is the point of that?"

"The banning of 18+ games and movies is crazy when you consider what we can see on television. "We are grown adults, not fluffy little munchkins that have to be protected by the prison nanny.

"For god’s sake, National Prison Radio even cut a line from Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody – ‘Put a gun against his head, pulled the trigger now he’s dead’ – why?

"We all know the lyrics anyway; it has been played millions of times on the bloody BBC. It is time the prison system stopped this mollycoddling and treated us like adults."

...it's easy, just don't commit crime and get sent to prison.

I followed this advice, and I can listen to 'Bohemian Rhapsody' anytime I want!

The commenters, as you might guess, are about as sympathetic as me:

/applause

Hey, Where's That Two-Way Street..?

Ch Supt Kevin Mulligan, divisional commander for Salford, said: "We have not established a clear motive for the senseless murder of Anuj and there is no definitive evidence pointing to it being racially-motivated.

"However, we are treating this as a hate crime based on the growing perceptions within the community it was motivated by hate.'

Sorry...?

You what, Kev, me old mucker? Are you havin' a giraffe?

Maybe you'd like to look Rhea Page in the eye (the swelling's probably gone down by now) and tell her that, eh?

And if she smacked you right in the kisser there's probably not a jury in the land that'd convict her.

”Ain’t that a kick in the head…”

Teenage thugs who left a man with life-threatening injuries after a brutal nightclub assault have been sentenced.

Yeah, we’re back to this again…

Beau Feighan, aged 18, and 19-year-olds David Lee Macdonald and Jordan Harris left their victim in a coma after kicking his head “like a football”.

Did the victim recover?

No:

Anthony Laywood, 46, is still recovering from the attack outside of Oceana and cannot work or drive.

So, big sentences, right?

Wrong:

Feighan was handed four years imprisonment for GBH with intent, Macdonald received 12 months for unlawful wounding and four months for ABH, and Harris was sentenced to 12 months imprisonment, suspended for two years.

Pathetic…