And A Greedy PR Manager Bagged Himself A Free Advert...

A greedy seagull bagged itself a free meal after spying an unattended pile of breakfast food outside a cafe.

The scavenger seized the opportunity with both wings, jumping onto an outdoor table and guzzling down the remains of the unfinished meal.

'Bird eats unattended food' is now a headline? Really? Have local newspapers sunk so low?

Well....not quite!

This follows revelations from Irish bookmakers Paddy Power that Brighton and Worthing are some of the favourite places to announce a seagull cull.

Odds on the cull have tumbled recently with Brighton sitting as fourth favourites at 10/1 while Worthing are deemed the second most likely to introduce it with odds of 8/1.

The betting company’s owner, Paddy Power, said: “There are a lot of things in the news to be frightened of at the moment – from Trump offering to fire nukes at hurricanes, to seagulls taking over Britain.

“We believe it’s a matter of time until towns announce that they are having a seagull cull of their own – though our odds of nationwide cuts have fallen yet again.”

Nicely played, PR wonk, nicely played...

Well Played, 'Steve Via Email'....

...well played indeed!

PETA:"We Kill The Most Animals In Need Of Help!"

RSPCA:"Hold our beer..."

Crews were called after the animal was found trapped in an old water tank on Tuesday.

After pulling him out of the cold water firefighters bypassed advice to have the animal put down and instead performed CPR and used animal oxygen masks to bring him back to life.

Good for them! Useful practice.

Lorraine March from Kent Wildlife Rescue Service was at the scene, in Chatham, Kent.

"The work the firefighters did was amazing, they spent 40 minutes working on it.

"They called the RSPCA who said they were available but suggested the crew took it to the nearest vet to have it put down."

Should have told them you had a camera crew in tow, they'd have been out so fast it'd make your head spin.

Bench Wars!

Two more gangsta rap fans are demanding their town commemorate their hip hop hero.

Oh, the floodgates are now open!

The fans, who gave their names as Neil Whitemore, 40, Graham Staines, 37, want a plaque in Lancing in memory of rapper Tupac Shakur.

It comes after a bench in honour of fellow gangsta rap star Eazy-E was installed in Newhaven, following a £1,500 fundraiser.

Well, lads, there's your target. How are you doing?

So far, the Lancing pair have raised £20 for a small plaque to be fixed to an existing bench in Monks Recreation Ground.

LOL!

Mr Staines said: “Tupac was taken from us too soon over 5,000 miles away in Las Vegas.

“When he died, a little bit of Lancing died too.

“The one in Newhaven is too shiny and new and doesn’t represent the struggle of a young African American male in the late 1980s and early 1990s.”

I'm sensing...parody, here. Is it just me?

He was murdered in 1996, aged 25, amid the notorious East Coast/West Coast hip hop rivalry.

The Lancing fans are hoping to avoid reigniting similar tensions between their town, in West sussex, and Newhaven, in East Sussex.

Mr Whitemore said: “Music is something that keeps us together, but in other cases, it actually divides us.

“I just hope Newhaven and Lancing can get along, I mean, no blood has to be spilled over this.”

Yup! Thought so. Cunning wheeze, lads.

A Lancing Parish council spokeswoman, who “actually has heard of Tupac” but “doesn’t know how”, believes the campaign will be rejected.

Well, it's been more amusing than most stuff in the local rag...

More Judges Like Hurst, Please!

Armsden-McClennon told the court he wanted to change his ways after he and his 17-year-old accomplice, who cannot be named because he is a juvenile, both admitted robbing two party guests at a flat in Saffron Lane on Friday November 9.

Ah, that old chestnut.

Judge Hurst said that both teenagers had criminal records and despite all previous interventions from the youth court and allied services: "It didn't stop you committing these offences."

He told Armsden-McClennon: "It's said you regret it and are an angry young man who wants to change."

 But astoundingly, this didn't proceed a '...and so we'll let you off with a suspended sentence'!

Armsden-McClennon, whose criminal record was more serious than his co-accused, was sentenced to seven years detention in a young offender institution. The juvenile received a five-and-a-half year detention sentence.

Whereupon he displayed exactly how sincere his 'wanting to change' schtick had been...

Armsden-McClennon suddenly erupted in fury, pointing at the judge and shouting: "I hope you die you piece of f****** s***."

The judge took it with aplomb.

The judge said: "If you carry on you can have some more."

/applause

This Is A Refreshing Change...

Schoolchildren from Bromfords School and Sixth Form College in Wickford were spotted throwing litter over a bridge while bullying a child who was self harming in the River Crouch. When members of the public tried to intervene they were then threatened by the students.

Charming!

In a message from Bromfords, seen by the Echo, a spokesman from the school apologised for the behaviour of the students and confirmed the injured pupil’s school and police had been informed.

Wow! That's certainly different from the usual 'not in school, so not our concern' attitude.

The incident took place on February 7 but Essex Police could not provide any details about what has happened since the incident.

*rolls eyes*

A statement from Deputy headteacher John Edwards, given to the eyewitness, stated: “I am sorry if the behaviour of a small number of our students has fallen short.

“It is very disappointing for me to hear that any of our students are behaving in such a manner, bringing our school into disrepute.

“The action of these few individuals is not indicative of the behaviour of the overwhelming majority of our outstanding students.

“I sincerely apologise you were witness to such behaviour and can assure you that we will be addressing within out assemblies.”

Gold star for that man!

When Aviation Nerds Attack...

Pity the hapless Virgin PR person in charge of the Twitter account on this day...

Heh!

An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor....What?

Oh!

"How Dare You Step Off The Reservation!"

Girls born to women who have undergone FGM are at a higher risk than any other girls in the country. If a woman has been cut she is likely to see it as the norm or to be in a family where FGM is accepted as a part of the culture. Placing girls on a register is not about targeting communities but actually taking a stand against one of the most horrific forms of violence against women and girls.

We need to move away from the idea that we can “talk” people out of FGM and stop trying to not offend communities.

We have never had a child-centric approach to ending FGM. We have never put the needs of the child first and now is the time to change this.

OMG! Who is this racist, sexist dinosaur?! Marshall the troops, this attack on people of colour must be resisted, what's this ghastly person's name?

Well, it's Nimco Ali. a black woman from the very 'culture' that indulges in FGM itself.

...

...

Oh.

Coming from a community where 98 per cent of the women have undergone FGM, I know this too well. Many of the women who support FGM within my community do so because if they go against FGM then they will have to deal with years of pain and trauma, so for them its easier to cut than deal with the struggle. As a survivor of FGM myself, if I have a daughter she would be on this register. To those who will object to the idea of a register as heavy-handed, please understand that, to end FGM in the UK, these are the steps we have to take.

Bravo!

I hope London will stand with me as I and others launch a campaign to get the Home Office, the Department for Education and the NHS together to make this FGM protection register a reality.

I'd hope so too. But be prepared for an almighty backlash from the progressives and their hangers-on. If there's one thing they cannot abide, it's someone who doesn't toe the party line.

McDonalds Believe 'The Customer Is Always Right'...

The customer can also be heard saying 'that's why your a** is behind the f***ing counter' before throwing a French fry across the restaurant. She can also be heard repeatedly shouting 'fight me' across the restaurant.

And boy, does she get her wish!

As the staff member storms toward her, the customer picks up a metal tray and hits her in the head with it, but she barely notices.

Watch the video. It's not really surprising, it'd be like trying to stop a charging rhino with a .243!

"And Best Of All, The Temple Guards Aren't Trying To Kill You!"

The latest Assassin’s Creed game, Origins, is set in ancient Egypt – a time and place redolent of historical discovery and mystery, the subject of thousands of school projects. It has been enormously successful, selling millions of copies, supported with the usual drip-feed of paid-for extra content that follows almost all big video game releases these days. But in February, Ubisoft released a different kind of update for Assassin’s Creed Origins – one that turned it into an interactive museum.

The Discovery update, as it’s called, removes all combat, missions and story from Assassin’s Creed Origins, leaving you free to explore its detailed recreation of ancient Egypt at leisure. It also adds in 75 interactive tours, written in collaboration with Egyptologists from around Europe, which teach you about everything from mummification to the city of Alexandria. It’s like one of those audio guides that you can pick up at museums. The difference between Assassin’s Creed Origins and a museum, though, is that you are immersed, walking the streets of a village as an Egyptian child or riding a horse in the shadow of the great pyramids.

Sadly, there's no gift shop in this virtual museum.

The 'Mail' Know Their Audience, Clearly...

...why else would they have to explain this isn't an image of the actual process..?!

When You Get PR Just Right....

...and everyone forgets you ran out of the one item you sell in a logistics cock up!