Money For Old Rope

 

Reader, this is 'Guardian' journalism and of course, the 'Royal We':

Even going by the internet’s longstanding enthusiasm for weird little guys, the scale and suddenness of his ascent has been striking.

Not really, it's summer, and it's not known as the 'silly season' for nothing. I'm only surprised we haven't seen a fuzzy photo of an out of focus black blob in the middle of a field or a Sccottish loch  causing headlines yet. But it's still early, I suppose. 

It’s easy to see why people, brands and even baseball teams have jumped on Jimothy: he’s cute, unproblematic and not at all political.

This places him in that rare, dwindling and highly prized category of “stuff that everyone can agree is good”.

Except journalists. Well, serious journalists, anyway, if the 'Guardian' still has any... 

You can tell the story of the internet, and with it the 21st century, through the animals it has rallied around.

Now, animal content is not just a pillar of the internet but load-bearing infrastructure, with cute pictures and funny videos providing respite from an angry, anxiety inducing internet.

Internet history shows we’ve always come together over animals, but increasingly they feel like our only common ground, because they’re depoliticised, uncomplicated and benign.

Oh, for pity's sake... 

The most heartening, human takeaway from Jimothy’s viral moment is that it suggests we really do desire more unity and connection; we just don’t feel comfortable doing so in public, or at scale, on anything other than the most innocuous topic.

Yeah, sure... 

"Leopards don't do this. Leopards... never had a lair like this."

"They're doing it for the pleasure..." 

It's October, fellas! Give it up - Silly Season is over.

"As credible eye-witnesses, there is not a jury in the land who would doubt their testimony. "

Are you sure about that? 

Settling down to enjoy her lunch, pensioner Annie Mitchell gazed out absent-mindedly at a bird box in the garden when a large black shadow caught her eye. Convinced she had seen a strange cat ‘larger than a labrador’ roaming on old tennis courts beyond her home in Kirriemuir, Angus, the 71-year-old braved the February chill to take a closer look. ‘I felt it was bigger than any cat I have seen. I went outside to get a closer look and was only a car length away. It looked big.’

Here's the video she took and well, I can only say, if that's a 'car length' away... 

Mr Welsh, a ghillie, deerstalker and farmhand, said: ‘From the way it was moving, the tail size and that, it was slightly like a panther but it could be a crossbreed. I’ve seen them plenty of times. I’ve seen lynx, I’ve seen panthers, I’ve seen crossbreeds – they’re all over the place.’

No Loch Ness Monster? Scottish Sasquatch?

In July last year, panic gripped the villagers in Brydekirk, Dumfriesshire, amid talk of a cat the size of a labrador prowling the fields nearby. Beyond the talk, there was nothing tangible for the experts to get their teeth into until, earlier this month, some remarkable proof came to light just over the Border in Cumbria, thanks to the bloodied remains of a recently savaged sheep and a quick-thinking local. The sheep was discovered by Sharon Larkin-Snowden early one morning in October after she disturbed whatever had been eating the carcass. ‘I saw something black, running, and I assumed at first it was a sheepdog,’ she said. ‘Then I did a double take and realised it was a black cat. It ran towards a stone wall, stopped and then jumped the wall. It was big – the size of a German shepherd dog.’

Luckily, this local was equipped. No, not with the usual camera with all the photographic quality of a potato, but something else.  

Something made her take a swab of the carcass, which found its way to Professor Robin Allaby, a biologist at the University of Warwick with an interest in big cat research. He analysed the sample and discovered ‘Panthera genus’ DNA, which can only have come from a lion, leopard, tiger, jaguar or snow leopard.

Wasn't it lucky she happened to have a DNA test swab on her? When I went walking in Cumbria, all I packed was some Kendal Mint Cake!  

The astonishing breakthrough has reignited the eternal question – if there are big cats prowling the Lake District, is it too much of a leap to suppose big cats are living wild in Scotland too?

Makes my upcoming trip to Edinburgh potentially more exciting!  

Is It 'Cos It Is Black..?

Yes, actually. That is indeed the reason this isn't anything like 'the best evidence yet'.

There has never been a documented report of a melanistic puma. Whatever this is, it won't be one.

And I Thought The Traditional British Silly Season Wouldn't Happen This Year...

...I should have known our wackademics had more fortitude than that! 

Nope!

Yes, I thought with coronavirus we could give Silly Season a miss this year but...apparently not!

Sharon Larkin-Snowden, from west Cumbria, posted the images in the Big Cats in Cumbria Facebook page which she runs to coordinate potential sightings.

Oh, we got a live one here all right!

She told the News & Star: "When I saw it, I just thought straight away 'caracal'."

Really?

Well, I suppose it is cat shaped...

For Sharon, the clarity of the images got her excited. "This has to be some of the best photographic evidence to-date," she said.

"It may not be our panther, but this is one of the smaller big cats.

"These photos are genuine.

"I'm overwhelmed by the response I got off the photos though - I only put them on my page to show other members. I never expected it to go that far."

How far? Attracting all the people telling you you're an idiot and it's just a cat, you mean?

'Silly Season' Gets Later Every Year...

Police Scotland urged the public to be vigilant after a reputed sighting of the animal in fields near the B730 at 8.45 this morning.

Yeah, yeah. We've been here before.

Detectives were working with the Scottish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SSPCA) to locate the animal, which may be injured.

But it seems that the SSPCA found a quick way out:

The SSPCA said it had liaised with the police but had since stood down since it was unable to deal with big cats.

Or vampires, werewolves, banshees....

A police spokeswoman said: "Officers who have been investigating a number of reports of a large black cat in fields near to the B730 have been liaising with a big cat expert who does not believe that it is a black panther, however cannot yet confirm what type of animal it is."

I'll help him out here. It's a cat. And those two things in the foreground aren't pterodactyls, they're magpies.

Oh. And you're a laughing stock. But then, you're used to that...

'Silly Season' Not Over Yet...

A dog walker believes his pet may have been attacked by a puma dubbed the Beast of Buckinghamshire.

Because it's dead..?

The latest incident happened after Daisy disappeared for a short while in some undergrowth. Mr Romero, from from High Wycombe said he then heard her yelping and making high pitched noises, which made him think something wasn’t quite right, so he called her and she came out limping. 

He said: “I saw two wounds, two gashes about an inch-and-a-half and an inch wide, and about three inches long.” 

He took her to the vet straightaway to be treated.

We aren't told what his vet thinks. But we do get the opinion of another vet.

Adam Maxton, a vet at Temple End Surgery, said: “It is highly unlikely that a panther has caused that. It is more likely to be a deer with antlers.”

Looking at the wounds, yes. That, or Freddy Kruger.

Silly Season Gets Underway Early...

A big cat expert says a black panther could be prowling the Worcestershire wilderness after the grisly discovery of yet another mangled deer carcass.

A big cat expert? Which one? Boone Smith? Billy Arjan Singh?

Researcher Rick Minter, author of 'Big Cats: Facing Britain's Wild Predators'...

Oh. Damn. Him again? Well, he's not the only nutter out there.

...said photographs of the dead deer showed several of the hallmarks of a big cat having been eating the carcass.

The 54-year-old, who has been studying the presence of big cats in Britain for the last decade...

That can't have taken very long...

He argued that big cat sightings were widespread in Worcestershire and were often reported to him at country shows where he performed outreach work.

Is that what he calls it on his tax returns?

However, even the experts do not agree. Bob Lawrence, head of public relations and development at West Midland Safari and Leisure Park, does not believe a leopard was responsible and has visited the site of the kills.

He said: "I visited the Roe deer burial site today. The original Roe buck is largely eaten away but there is also a Roe doe dead close by, probably his companion as they tend to live in pairs/trios.

"There is no evidence to suggest neck injuries consistent with strangulation (the leopards preferred choice of killing) or a broken neck.

"Both carcasses to me clearly seem to originate from the roadside and have been dumped over the hedge probably out of sensitivity and one at least had been there a while as the grass underneath was turning yellow.

"There are clear tramlines to show how both have been dragged into the field (by badgers I suspect as there are badger runs nearby) where they have been eaten - a fox has joined in by the smell of it."

Back to the drawing board, Minter.

Well, If There’s To Be A ‘Silly Season’ Lasssssst Hurrah…

…might as well make it a good one:

The world's largest venomous snake could be to blame for the rising number of cats that have disappeared from a West Sussex town.

Hang on, the world’s largest venomous snake? Wouldn’t that be a …?

A king cobra has been spotted outside East Grinstead's Queen Victoria Hospital by resident Trevor Gamble.

Well, blow me down! That would be something to strike fear into the hearts of residents! Never mind the cats, what about the people?

He immediately dialled 999 but was told the incident was not an emergency and then advised to call the RSPCA.

Ummm, what? What could be more of an emergency, unless you think the bloke’s having you on? And if you do think that, why go overboard when someone reports a lion on the loose (which is just as unlikely)?

Dave Breden, of the East Sussex Reptile and Amphibian Society, thought Mr Gamble must be mistaken. He said: "Quite often I've been called out to deal with a 10ft python on the loose, only to find a three–foot corn snake."

Quite! And I suspect the only cobra Mr Gamble’s familiar with is the one he orders with his curry…

A Lesson In Anatomy (And Gullibility) For The 'Metro' Editor...

*sighs*

Anyone can see it's just a rat skeleton with the head twisted around over the back...

Gawd Bless 'Silly Season'...

Mrs Lonnon, who has been on safari twice, said she thought the cat looked like a leopard but that details were difficult to remember as she was so scared.

I take it by 'on safari', she means with Thompson Holidays, not trophy hunting with Ivan Carter?

Mr Tully believes he did not see a leopard. He said: “It didn’t look like a leopard, it was sleeker and smaller.

“It looked like a dirty puma to me.”

Thank god he didn't use 'cougar'. I hate to think the images that would have conjured up!

“It was the size of a puma but it had markings on.”

“My wife told me it must have been a big dog, but its movements were definitely those of a cat. I saw it for at least five seconds.”

I'd listen to your wife, if I was you. That's always sound advice.

”… it is understood no panthers had been reported missing in the area.”

A terrified New Cross woman says she "freaked out" after seeing a panther in the street.

The woman, who was on her way to work at the time, fled back to her house and called police after seeing the beast in Southern Gateway, a residential area near Fordham Park and Deptford Green School.

But when police arrived to investigate, there was no sign of the wild animal and it is understood no panthers had been reported missing in the area.

SNORK!

Of course, she wasn't going to leave it at that, was she? Who you gonna call?

The woman also contacted expert Neil Arnold who runs Kent Big Cat Research and has been tracking sightings across the south east.

Oh dear...

"I am disappointed that I wasn't taken more seriously by the local police who asked me almost straight away if I had been drinking when I first reported it. "

*chuckles*

Mr Arnold said he was hoping to get more information on the sighting and that he was surprised nobody else had seen it in such a densely populated area.

He said: "It's interesting regarding that area because I do get sightings from Sydenham and Bromley. But New Cross, not far from the station - I just don't know why it would be there."

Catching a train, maybe? If it's good enough for pigeons...

Still Silly Season..?

Nut Wood, opposite Raywell Hall, is normally a flush with rabbits and other wildlife when darkness falls and is a popular spot for experienced shooters. So, the fact that not one rabbit could be seen in the area one particular evening came as a surprise to Phil Miles and his friend Jordan Green.

Phil and Jordan, you see, were keen rabbit hunters.

And so, it seems, was…. *dramatic drumroll*….something ELSE!

The pair first saw the cat, which is believed to be a puma, standing about 30ft in front of them, on a path leading through the wood. Mr Miles, of east Hull, said: "We have been shooting in the woods a number of times and there are usually lots of rabbits in and around the wood but, on this occasion, we didn't see one.

"We began walking towards where we normally shoot from when we heard a snarling noise, like a cat hissing at you. "I shone my light and I could see a pair of eyes looking back at me but I couldn't make out what it was."

Out late at night, hissing noise like a cat, hmmm. Could it be….a cat?

Mr Green then used his rifle sight to get a closer look at the animal.

Ah. Here we have an opportunity to remember MacHeath’s recent post regarding perspective...

"We were both shocked when we saw the size of the cat," said the 28-year-old. "It was about the size of a domestic dog, like a Labrador or Alsatian.

Oh, just a little one, then. Not the size of three Great Danes?

"We didn't know what to do and thought about shooting close to where it stood to try to scare it off but we didn't want to aggravate it. "Luckily, there was a privet hedge and some other bushes between us and the cat, so it couldn't get directly to us."

Riiiight. Because it’s a big scary cat but it’ll be baffled by a privet hedge, rather like Daleks are rendered impotent by stairs?

Mr Miles and Mr Green then set off walking down a path towards the edge of the wood to pack their rifles away. As they did, they heard a loud noise that caught their attention once more.

Mr Miles said: "There was a really loud squealing noise, the kind that foxes make when they are shot or injured.

"We both looked over towards a nearby field and saw the same cat running back into the trees with a fox in its mouth."

Fantastic! It’s combating the Fox Menace!

If it only develops a taste for Staffordshire Bull Terriers too…

Mr Miles reported the sighting to police on Saturday, shortly before 10pm. A number of calls were made to the police with similar sightings that night and they are now investigating.

But with considerably less fanfare than Essex Police, one hopes?

There’s a lengthy (and amusing) comment thread, but this is undoubtedly the pick of the litter:

by dascodave

“If you go into witham on any fri/sat night you will deffo see cougars out hunting!”

Well, indeed. Unlikely to be deterred by an imposing weapon, though.

How To Enliven A Bank Holiday....

Police searching for a lion in Essex say they are taking the hunt seriously.

Oh, Gawd help us all...

The police enlisted the help of experts from Colchester Zoo, who believe the sighting to be genuine after viewing a photograph of the creature taken by a resident.

Well, that was what they said at first.

But, as the hunt continued and it started to look a bit like they might have been had, the backtracking started in earnest:

Sarah Forsyth, a rhino curator (Ed: Nope. Me neither...) who lives on site at Colchester Zoo and was called to help the police investigate reports of a lion sighting, told the Guardian that pictures of the 'animal' were ambiguous and of poor quality.

Really, love? You don't say!

"By the time we got there whatever it was had gone. We were shown some photographs, but they were from very far away, very poor quality and to be honest there was no way of saying 'yes' or 'no'," Forsyth said.

That's not what you said earlier. Would it have helped if they'd been looking for some other sort of beast?

Like....a rhino?

Asked if she was sceptical that the animal pictured was a lion, she said: "I think it's unlikely. I think it was more likely to be a dog. It certainly wasn't a male lion. It didn't have a mane."

*cough*

Forsyth, who police are keeping on standby for any further sightings (Ed: Yeah. She'll clearly be a big help!), said they found no droppings or footprints to indicate the presence of a big cat. Asked whether she thought the police operation had been necessary, she said: "I think they kind of have to because there was no way of saying that it definitely wasn't a lion."

Apart from the fact that no zoos or circuses are missing any lions, you mean?

You can, of course, always trust Twitter to rise to the occasion:

Update: The 'Mail' has the photo - it's so clearly a large domestic ginger cat that serious questions need to be asked about the competence of Essex Police.

Oh, I’d Thought, With The Olympics On, We’d Be Spared Silly Season….

…but no:

George spends his life on the loch - around 60 hours a week - taking tourists out on his boat Nessie Hunter IV, and has led numerous Nessie hunts over the years.

*suspicions aroused*

He now claims the picture is the best ever taken of the Loch Ness Monster and - most importantly - proves once and for all that the elusive leviathan is definitely NOT a sturgeon.

He says he has even had it independently verified by a team of US military monster experts…

Such teams exist? Well, whadda ya know!

'I’m convinced I was seeing Nessie as I believe in these creatures.'

There’s a name for that, isn’t there?

Warning! Here Be Chimeras!

A big cat was spotted prowling around an East Lancashire housing estate on a summer afternoon, it has been revealed.

Oh, here we go again…

The sighting of the four foot long creature, described as a cross between a tiger, cheetah and leopard…

Wha..?

The caller told officers the animal, which had a long tail and ‘tiger spots’, had been running down back streets on the Brunshaw estate in Burnley.

Tiger spots? Are they like ‘Dalmatian stripes’…?

Suspecting it was a Bengal cat or ocelot, police contacted the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) to find out if any were licensed in the area.

You don’t need a license for a domestic Bengal, unless it’s a first cross that you are breeding from…

The details were revealed to the Lancashire Telegraph under the Freedom of Information Act.

However, the list does not include reports of lions or jaguars because searches under those words on police systems brought up a lot of unrelated information.

OK, well, I can understand the ‘jaguar’ bit, because presumably it called up all references to the car, but ‘lion’..?

I Guess It’s Silly Season Again…

…and mystery big cats are obviously passé this year, so we’re back to the reptile kingdom:

A sharp-eyed visitor claims to have spotted two alligators lurking in a lake at his holiday park.

This guy’s going for the gold! Not one out-of-place animal, but two!

Park manager Dave Potter, 58, told The Sun: 'It has caused quite a stir.

'We have 90 plots for caravans and lodges, so there are a lot of people here.

'The police had a good look around but didn't find anything.'

‘Had a good look’..?

Did they send down divers? I’ve seen ‘Lake Placid’. I know how that turns out!

Alligator expert Dr Laura Brandt said it was possible the alligators had been released or found their way to the water.

She warned: 'They will eat anything that moves.'

Wow, she’s a great alligator expert, isn’t she? I totally didn’t know that!

Mind you, if spotted again, the police would be wise not to bring in armed units:

They don't get many alligators in the suburbs of land-locked Kansas City, but if and when they do the local police like to think they can handle it.

Officers responding to a rare sighting in the suburb of Independence, Missouri, left nothing to chance.

Seeing the alligator's head lurking menacingly in the weeds leading down to a pond they fired off one shot with perfect precision.

Noting that the beast hadn't moved, they fired again.

Congrats! You shot…a concrete lawn ornament. Twice!

A Independence police spokesman said, in defence of the officers, it was growing dark when the incident occurred.

Fantastic excuse! ‘We fired off two shots at a lawn ornament because we couldn’t see it properly’.

Do you feel a lot safer now, citizens of Independence..?