Wednesday, 15 September 2010

An Everyday Story Of (Insert Descriptor Here) Folk…

Colchester Magistrates’ Court heard the men had been walking through the estate around 9.30pm when they got into a row with a group of children.

Frank O’Toole, prosecuting, said: “They were both being very abusive. One of them said he was going to rape the girls and the other was threatening to stab them.”

One of the mothers of the children then came out of her house and hit Woods over the head with a chair.
Julie Brice, mitigating, told the court the children had begun arguing with the pair and the parents had got involved after the men accused them of not being able to control them.
It seems they aren’t able to control themselves, so why exactly they’d be able to control their children, heaven only knows…
She said: “The children were being abusive. Then the parents came out and one of them hit Mr Woods with a chair leg. He was hurt quite badly and had a nasty injury to his head.”
I rather doubt he felt it…
The men, who were both drunk, were described by District Judge David Cooper as a “violent pair”.

He said: “I think they should both go to prison for threatening innocent people with violence and terrifying children like that.

“It must have been very frightening for the people living in Brooklands Estate.”
You must be kidding, surely?

I don’t think Judge Cooper has any idea what the Brooklands Estate is like, or he wouldn’t assume that a couple of drunk men threatening a knifing would faze any of the residents. Especially the children…!

And if he thought they ‘should both go to prison’, why didn’t he send them?
Woods, a trainee sound technician, was given a restraining order and told to stay away from the Brooklands area of Colchester. He was also fined £100 and ordered to pay £85 costs and a £15 surcharge.

Hughes was given an 18-month prison sentence, suspended for 18 months, a supervision order, which included 80 hours of unpaid work, and a restraining order not to go to the Brooklands Estate.
If they weren’t drunk, they probably wouldn’t have ventured onto the Brooklands Estate in the first place!


The Hickory Wind said...

Suely the Brooklands estate isn't so bad? I haven't been there for a few years, but when I last saw it it was new and looked quite decent. And it's just a few streets anyway, surrounded by a pleasant, quiet(though still working-class) area.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how you come across all these weird stories but it getting silly. This blog is too depressing. Could we have a few light-hearted moments please? Or are you some kind of bad-news monger?

Bucko said...

It seems they should have taken the chair leg and beaten the crap out of the parents and the gobby little brats.

At least that would have been a good reason to be called before the magistrates.

Mummylonglegs said...

Drunk Man 1 - Children, if you don't leave my friend and I alone I will rape you.

Drunk Man 2 - And when he is done I will stab you.

Mother - How very dare you, you drunken, raping stabby men (whack)

Drunken Man 1 - We only threatened to rape and stab your children because it is obvious that us that you have no parental skills and your children are somewhat ferral.

I smell bullshit. I suspect it was more like

Children - Ya, ya, wankers, cunts etc, etc.

Drunk Man 1 - Fuck off you little shits.

Drunk Man 2 - Yea, go on, piss off.

Children - Muuuuuuuuuuuuuummmm.

Mum - How dare you tell my little darlings to fuck off.

Drunk Men - Well perhaps you would like to take them under control and discipline them a little, your parenting skills leave a lot to be desired.

Mum - Fuck you, you fucking cunts, how dare you insult me, I'm a great parent me (whack).


Police Officer - So what happened?

Mum - Well they told my kids to fuck off and said I was a shit parent.

Police Officer - And?

Mum - eh?.

Police Officer - Well your children were abusing them and when they told them to 'ahem' go away you came out and hit him with a chair.

Mum - Yeah.

Police Officer - Well it sounds like they may have had a point Ms Skank.

Mum - Well, yeah, no, ummm, no, no they didn't, see I wouldn't have hit im with the chair if they hadn't um, ummmmmmm, ????????, yeah, I wouldn't have hit im with the chair if they hadn't said they was gonna rape my children. And stab em. Yeah, that's what they said, they was gonna rape and stab em. So that's why I hit im.


Ranter said...

Brooklands = The Swamp (as featured regularly on any poliuce blog and any newspaper, local news bulletin and other source of news every day of the week).

The Hickory Wind said...


I'm clearly out of touch with the old hometown. I had no idea it was so bad.

Macheath said...


'Could we have a few light-hearted moments please?'

That's like asking William Hogarth to paint pretty flowers. Respect, please, for our foremost satirical chronicler of the underclass!

JuliaM said...

"Suely the Brooklands estate isn't so bad?"

A quick google of its name in the news will tell you that Ranter's description is pretty accurate...

"This blog is too depressing. Could we have a few light-hearted moments please?"

Sorry about that anon. Here's a story about a cute otter.

And now, back to our regularly-scheduled programming...

"It seems they should have taken the chair leg and beaten the crap out of the parents and the gobby little brats."

Indeed! Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb...

"That's like asking William Hogarth to paint pretty flowers."

Heh! Van Gogh made more money with his sunflowers though...

OK, he was dead by then, but still!