Sunday 18 September 2011

Well, They Say They Only Catch The Stupid Ones…

A drug dealer took cocaine worth up to £1,700 with him when he answered bail at York Police Station on an unrelated matter, York Crown Court heard.
As you, errrr, do…
Martyn Nathan Healey was accompanied by Paul James Acton who was also dealing in the Class A drug. Both men were carrying mobile phones with incriminating text messages on them, said Robert Stevenson, prosecuting.
And the police found this out by the cunning ploy of….asking to see them.
At the station, an officer asked Healey to give him his phone for investigation. Noticing Healey’s hand shaking as he handed over his mobile and his failed attempt to remove the SIM card, the policeman had Healey strip searched.
Not really the brains of any criminal operation, these two, are they?
“It is plain both of you were part of the supply chain,” Recorder Guy Kearl QC told them.

You must both understand that people who supply Class A drugs go to prison.
Or, not:
He gave both 12 month jail terms suspended for two years with conditions.

Is there mitigation? Well, of course!
For Healey, Adam Birkby said his client had been a drug user since he was 12.
But his drug use escalated until he could not fund it through his work, so he started selling to a small group of friends. Since his arrest, he had been trying to kick drugs.
Oh, I’m sure he has!
For Acton, Andrew Semple said he and his friends naively thought that taking cocaine socially on a weekly basis was different from being a Class A drug addict.
Acton only sold to his friends and had nothing to do with Healey’s drug dealing. He was very upset Healey’s actions led to his arrest, the court was told.
Yes, I expect he was.

Will he choose his friends more wisely in future?


Pavlov's Cat said...

Well you can't leave your Charlie at home. There's a lot of thieves about

SBC said...

And what's the starting price on each of the two defendants having the complete DVD box set of CSI at home?

Ask Jaded, ask any Policey man, most criminals aren't very bright. If they were then they wouldn't be criminals ....and I say that as a former criminal myself.

I see it all the time with our local 'yooff'. They nick something and then boast about it to their mates on FaceAche! The Police don't need to pound a beat just trawl My Spaz or Twatter.

Twenty_Rothmans said...

“You must both understand that people who supply Class A drugs go to prison.” said Mr Kearl.

He then sent SMS texts to the defendants, stating "LOL pwnd had U their!!!!!!1!!!"

Anonymous said...

And you wonder why I use the name Jaded!
In the spirit of openness we now get sent the results of our cases emailed to us after they have been sentenced.Previously if we were interested we had to ring the court and find out ourselves.I think I prefer the old system as it's very depressing seeing my hard work ending up in paltry sentences.
Still Jaded

Zaphod said...

Most criminals who end up in court aren't very bright. We don't see the bright ones, of course.

Crime is a self-employed career which is open to even those with minimal aptitude. No interview or selection process.

The law tries to discourage the incompetents by catching them.

They are eventually sent for some formal crime training in prison, if they persist. But the training in prison is delivered by other criminals who have also been caught.

It's not a good system.

John Pickworth said...

The Beano school for criminal geniuses

Rule 1. Attire:
Criminals out on the blag should don a traditional robber's black eye mask or a pair of your Mom's tights. A strippy jersey and a pair of sensible plimsolls are also recommended.

Rule 2. Casing the joint:
Check the curtains. Do not enter a property with stylish window dressings! Its highly likely the owners are a friend of Dorothy where you risk being over-powered and tied up until the bobbies are summoned - which is not likely to be for several weeks, if ever.

Rule 3. On the job:
When skulking about in the darkened shadows, its suggested you hum the tune to the Pink Panther - but not if their copyright lawyers are about. But, please refrain from shouting "You'll never take me alive, copper"! - at least until someone has dialled 999.

Rule 4. The get away:
Place your ill-gotten gains into a canvas sack marked 'Swag' and then check the scene to ensure you've not left behind any evidence of your identity. There's nothing worse for a householder returning home to find they've been burgled than having to phone the police for a second time to say they've also found a wallet or your signing-on card. Next, proceed smartly to your getaway transport. Take a magazine to read as the number 16 bus is frequently late, especially on Wednesdays. Do not steal a car as its unlikely to be covered for business use and the last thing you need is the filth on your ass.

Rule 5. Evading justice:
The preferred option is heading for Acapulco by way of French fishing boat or private light aircraft departing at midnight in a thick fog. If you need to use a scheduled airline do not fly from Gatwick, its a dump. Should things go wrong (and I can't see why if you followed the rules above) you may need to resort to Rule 6 (below).

Rule 6. Mitigation:
You can reduce any potential sentence by pleading not guilty - even in the face of over-whelming evidence and a signed confession. If you're not 'renting' for the elderly married judge; you should claim you were abused by the local Catholic Bishop. Also, bringing to the court's attention your dependency on alcohol/drugs/caviare since the age of 6 is always a good gambit, so too is blaming video nasties or being bullied on Facebook. Do wear tracksuit bottoms to court and bring along your chav family (The Jeremy Kyle Show filming schedule permitting). When leaving court, always stick up two fingers to the press photographers - it won't help your case as such but it will guarantee front page coverage in The Mail. However, the best guarantee against serving gaol time is having previous convictions... you do have an obscenely long list of previous convictions don't you?

SBC said...

"The Beano school for criminal geniuses"


Twenty_Rothmans said...

Long live Rule 6!

"I was drunk when I done it"

Read of the day, John.

JuliaM said...

"Well you can't leave your Charlie at home. There's a lot of thieves about"

You can't trust anyone nowadays.

"He then sent SMS texts to the defendants, stating "LOL pwnd had U their!!!!!!1!!!""


"The Beano school for criminal geniuses"