Sunday, 24 March 2013

(Not The) Glamorous Granny Competition

The horse meat scandal may have left us wary of what we might find in our food packets, but one grandmother was especially shocked to discover a “doorstop-sized” wooden splinter in her frozen veg.
If the term ‘grandmother’ conjures up an image of an apple-cheeked, white-haired old lady, well, this is 2013 and this is Dagenham…
Michele Robertson, 39, was cooking a hearty winter meal for her two grandchildren, Paul, four, and Ruby, three, as well as Ruby’s heavily pregnant mum Rachel Convoy, 20, when the “wedge of splinter wood” fell into the pan last Tuesday (March 12) afternoon.
“It’s just unbelievable,” said Michele, of Bentry Road, Dagenham. “It was like a doorstop.
“It ruined the dinner but it has also worried me because the kids could have ended up with splinters in their stomachs.”
Ummm, why? You didn't cook any, did you?


Fidel Cuntstruck said...

Something's confusing me about the timeline here ... *scratches head*

Had the glamourous granny called the local rag before she returned the offending "doorstop" to the supermarket, so that they could get their photos of the item?

Surely the supermarket would have kept hold of both packaging and "doorstop" so if the photos were taken after she'd been back to complain, that must mean ...... Ahhhhhhhh!!

Wasn't it fortuitous that the bag she's holding in the photo just happened to crease in such a way that the suppliers name can't be seen - phew!

Uncle Badger said...

Arithmetic was never my strong point but 39? That's pretty impressive - even for Essex!

John Pickworth said...

“It ruined the dinner..."

It was just some frozen veg. Surely she had a tin of peas or something in a cupboard she could have used instead? But I suppose the supermarket's complaints lines are quiet at lunchtimes so it was probably more important to get the paperwork filled in than feed the kids.

... this wasn’t the first time she had found something unsavoury in a bag of frozen food, claiming that years ago she found a false fingernail complete with pink nail varnish in a Tesco’s frozen apple crumble bag.

What are the chances? Hey?

Demetrius said...

My recall is uncertain on this but in many packaged/processed foods it is common to find cellulose amongst the many ingredients. Also, in pills that the quacks give you. Anyhow it may have been just a free tooth pick offer.

James Higham said...

Puts new meaning into the word wedge.

Twenty_Rothmans said...

"The unwelcome find came from a packet of Morrisons frozen Benefit Bites which had been bought from the store in Dagenham."

Mrs Robertson (not very bloody likely!) should be after them for the B-carotene additives that have clearly given her a hue and patina more suited to the instrument panel of a 60s Rolls Royce or a scalding victim.

Hard working families like these are the vital engine behind the Labour party core vote.

A West London accountant was horrified to find a single grandmother in his organic chicken last week.

Mr T Rothmans has visited the same farm shop for the last two years and had been assured that the hens were free range and raised in East Anglia.

"I can see no good reason that a thirty-year old Essex grandmother could have ended up in my chicken. It's appalling - if my wife had had some she could have ended up in Primark or Westfield." he said.

Jethro Palmer, the chicken farmer, posed the hypothesis that as Essexmotha praecox is indigenous to the area of Britain known as Area RM, the specimen may have taken a train going North after closing time at Liquid, having confused it with a minicab.

"I don't know how she got through my fence with them big earrings" he said. "But to save money I've been feeding my stock leftovers from a kebab shop from Norwich, so she was obviously drawn to it".

Mr Palmer has issued a full fuck off if you don't like it to Mr Rothmans.

Ljh said...

Considering her age and that of her daughter with sproglet no 2 or 3 underway, wouldn't it be a chip off the old block putting in appearance?

Fidel Cuntstruck said...

@ Twenty_Rothmans

Tears of laughter here :0)

Twenty_Rothmans said...


I am delighted you feel that way.

Poor man's Daily Mash.

JuliaM said...

"Wasn't it fortuitous that the bag she's holding in the photo just happened to crease in such a way that the suppliers name can't be seen - phew!"

It's like something from APILN!

"That's pretty impressive - even for Essex!"

A high achieving family, clearly!

"What are the chances? Hey?"

I've never found anything... :(

JuliaM said...

"@ Twenty_Rothmans

Tears of laughter here :0)"