Friday, 15 August 2014

So Nice To Know What Counts As A ‘Major Incident’ To The Police…

Police have praised the “brilliant” behaviour of the “overwhelming majority” of Pride revellers as this year’s LGBT celebration passed off without major incident.
Oh, really?
Sussex Police made 28 arrests for offences including possession of drugs, theft, actual bodily harm and public disorder by 1am on Sunday, a reduction on the past two years.

A British Transport Officer was also injured in the process of disarming a man who pulled a knife on the officer. Chief Superintendent Paul Brogden said on Twitter that the officer broke his wrist in the struggle.
That doesn’t seem very minor to me, nor I suspect to the chap whose wrist was broken…


Anonymous said...

Why alter your prepared statement in the light of real events? We have the politics, economics and climate science of wishful thinking, why not police too, they're already very good at massaging statistics!

Anonymous said...

Quite! How about:

"Police respond as 'homophobic' man confronts revellers"

A 92-year-old criminal has been shot by police after an incident requiring an armed response unit during the annual LGBTQX parade in Collier Row. Alfred Douglas of Frinton Road, Collier Row, who is listed on Havering Council's Reactionary Register, confronted a group of party-goers outside his house in the early hours of yesterday morning. According to police reports, he made violent gestures towards a number of revellers and unleashed a torrent of 'homophobic' abuse. Fortunately, a member of the Havering Equality & Diversity Squad taking part in the parade witnessed the confrontation, wrestled Mr Douglas to the ground and shot him 53 times.

"I couldn't believe my eyes," exclaimed Isidore "Izzi-Brown" Adebigwaye of the Collier Row Diversity Enrichment Forum, speaking through an interpreter. "Me and a few of the guys were covering each other in excrement, ready to get down and dirty, when this crazy man came out of a doorway and started shouting at us. I ran as fast as I could for the safety of the nearest KFC. It's ruined my life!"

A spokesman for the Romford and District anti-Homophobia Alliance said that Mr Douglas was a well-known trouble-maker in the area and that he had a long history of far-right anti-diversity activism. A spokes-cis for the Alliance confirmed that they would be seeking the death penalty for Mr Douglas when his offence comes before the People's Court next Wednesday. "It's outrageous that these reactionary throwbacks are allowed to exist at all," said Gaia Sarfraz-Kilmarnock Baines, a long-time resident of no fixed abode, "let alone live in our multicultural, diverse and tolerant commune!"

Speaking on condition of anonymity, Mr Douglas' neighbour, Mrs Florence Harries, said that she was concerned for the well-being of Mr Douglas' wife Violet. "It's just not safe around here anymore," she cackled. "I've lived here for over 70 years, ever since my siblings and I were evacuated from Poplar during the Blitz, but I just don't recognise the place anymore. Yesterday, I opened the door to let the cat out and I saw a couple of dark-looking fellows engaged in some kind of ritual in my back garden. One of them, who had a bone through his nose, was sticking my poor cockerel Roger up his behind, whilst the other one was dancing around like a madman, jumping and wailing in the most abominable way. I just shut the door. The police never came. Poor Roger!"

IMPORTANT - Any Collier Row Gazette readers who believe Florence Harries has committed a Homophobic or Racist offence are urged to take matters into their own hands.

Anonymous said...

Anon at 10:55 thank you for making me laugh. Marvellous but ne'er a true word etc

JuliaM said...

"Why alter your prepared statement in the light of real events?"

Especially when the PR department's gone home...

"Anon at 10:55 thank you for making me laugh. "