Saturday 4 May 2013

Oh, Jog On, Love!

Sarah Ditum on the awful experience that is, umm, jogging:
I took up running in part because I was anxious about the way I looked.
Which is, apparently, all society’s fault.
… with the timorous demeanour of the non-sporty person attempting something sporty, I headed out of my door and down the street at an unthreatening clip. Fortunately, my neighbours must have sensed my self-consciousness and come out to defuse it, because here was the man from the corner off-licence, standing in his doorway and shouting: "You look great!" And here was a man waiting for a bus, hollering: "Keep it up, love!"
Cheered by such support, I churned out several more laps and entered the next available half marathon. Except – oh, haha, no I didn't. I stumbled home miserably, scorching with humiliation, feeling like a tubby gobbet of flesh bound in elastic fibres. I threw my trainers in the bottom of the wardrobe and didn't get them out again for several years.
Oh, well, here’s a jogging outfit for you, Sarah:

Then all you need worry about is bumping into lampposts...


Twenty_Rothmans said...

Oh Christ. Sarah Ditum is as ugly as sin, were I that horrible, I'd shave my bum and run backwards.

I was anxious about the way I looked. Like most of these pointy-nosed, anxious Guardian hacks, she's no Helen Flanagan - whom she detests because she has no brains (but every man in England lusts after her).

Yet she worries about her looks. What about your brain? Oh...

(some rubbish to pad out the word count) Most Desirable Ambulant Vagina 2013..
Unlikely, but you're so tensed up that you could sharpen your pencils with it.

Anonymous said...

I dunno, I reckon she'd scrub up OK, bit of make up, grow her hair a bit longer, do away with the lezzie dangly earrings and I reckon she'd be OK to look's LISTENING to her that would be the problem...self-obsessed tedium droning on and on and on....I wouldn't mind getting paid to write such shite every week.

Anonymous said...


Its jogging for God's sake, when I finished my first half marathon I was knackered even thought I'd trained and prepared. When I first started running I looked like a fat middle aged bloke in running gear having a mobile heart attack.

Why don't you try enjoying it, and stop bloody whinging.

Twenty_Rothmans said...

@Ranter - a ball gag or earplugs might make it easier for you.

But would you mind terribly if I sharpen my pencils first?

David Duff said...

My tip for the day.

It is a universal truth that all fitness training hurts! The only variation is how far over your personal pain threshold any particular exercise takes you. However, there is one exception to that golden rule - swimming! I know where-of I prate because I swim five mornings a week and my personal pain threshold is on the minus scale! I have lost a stone and a half and yes, ladies, I now look gorgeous!

JuliaM said...

"...were I that horrible, I'd shave my bum and run backwards."


"Why don't you try enjoying it, and stop bloody whinging."

I think, for a lot of the CiF crowd, complaining IS what they enjoy...

" However, there is one exception to that golden rule - swimming!"

Ah, but she wouldn't have anything to write a column about then.