Tweet Of The Month

September was a bumper harvest indeed!

Post Title Of The Month

Fahrenheit211's take on the Trudeau faux-pas:

/applause

Reigning champion Tim rallies, but doesn't quite get it over the net:

Quote Of The Month

DumbJon rips into the modern 'Conservatives':

As bad as the Supreme Court's Screw Brexit decision is - pretty bad considering it appears to be based on the well known legal doctrine of 'because we say so' - it's almost as bad listening to Professional Conservatives claiming to be shocked, shocked, to find that the courts are a lawless, politicised mess. Yes, indeed, who could have seen that coming?

Just a thought, but if you keep demonstrating a proven inability to predict outbreaks of heavy drinking on December 31st, you might want to rethink your claim to be super smart. As it is, real conservatives have spent years calling the shot and the pocket, while the genius set have called them crazed conspiracy nuts. Now Brenda Hale has done the legal equivalent of gobbling down a live mouse on TV while addressing the public as 'you warm bloods' then ripping the flesh off her face to reveal the scales underneath, I think we may have to look again at what definition of genius we're using here.

Post Of The Month

Longrider on St Greta and the impossible demands of children...

And Yet She Could Afford The Air Fare...

Non-British patients who do not have a European Health Insurance Card (EHIC) are charged for the care they receive in this country because they are not contributing to the UK through tax.

Yes. And...?

But for some, like Nigerian grandmother Grace Umoru, the price of this care can be a huge and unexpected burden.

No doubt. But what's her story?

Mrs Umoru came to Bolton in June to see her son-in-law Jamal Ohiobugie and her granddaughter after being treated by doctors in her home of Edo State for a recurring wound to her leg.

However, once arriving in the UK, Mr Ohiobugie realised that his mother’s injury was much worse than previously thought and she was rushed to the Royal Bolton Hospital for urgent treatment.

Hmmm...

Doctors were able to save the limb and the 59-year-old is now recovering but the family have received a bill for £3,500 which they cannot afford.

However, for Mr Ohiobugie and his family, there is no question of not paying this bill despite their fincanicl (sic) troubles.

No question, haters! This family doesn't live off the generosity of others!

He has now turned to campaigning site GoFundMe in the hope that charitable individuals will donate to help with his mother’s cause.

*rolls eyes*

H/T: BannedCow via Twitter

"Hey, Ed, What's A Baby Walrus Called..?"

"I dunno, what am I, Sir David Attenborough?"

H/T: Stephen Brown via email

Ooh, Land Rover Have A New Model Out...

...but if it's getting into fenderbenders all on its own, I don't think I want one!

Sunday Funnies...

Wait, how on earth did they narrow it down to just five...?

Perhaps It's Time They Were..?

Whew! That makes everything OK, then. Just ignore the fact a woman was savaged to death in her own house by her own 'pets' who even the authorities struggled to contain at the scene...

Mum-of-three Elayne Stanley, 44, died after being attacked by two American Bulldogs at the house in Graham Road, Widnes, Cheshire, on Tuesday evening.

One dog was shot at the scene and, on Friday, police confirmed the second dog had also been destroyed.

Why were both not shot then and there on the scene? Why even attempt to tranquilise the other?

Inquiries are ongoing into the woman's death but no arrests have been made, police have said. Ms Stanley's family are currently being supported by specialist officers.

If a woman chooses to keep two large, potentially-killer dogs, and the inevitable happens, why should we lavish State care on her relatives? Will it continue after the inevitable #chavshrine send off?

And why have no arrests been made?

Now, Paul Leigh, Elayne's former partner, who used to own the dogs, said they had never been aggressive in his experience with them."

Ah. That's handy, isn't it? Otherwise, if you admitted ownership, you might be getting your collar felt. 

Priorities...

All Britain's 11million cats would have to be microchipped under Government plans.

The modern Tory Party will safeguard your pussy, citizen! Whether you like it or not...

Now, don't get me wrong, I have three indoor-only cats and one occasionally-outdoor cat, and they are all chipped. Because why not? It provides peace of mind.

But to enforce it on everyone? Madness! Nor is it the only whacky bunny-hugger idea: 

The plan is one of a range of animal welfare measures to be put forward at the Conservative Party conference today.

A ban on keeping monkeys as pets and stopping live exports of farm animals for slaughter are also on the cards.

Hunters will be banned from importing endangered animals shot overseas – a measure promoted by Boris Johnson's girlfriend, Carrie Symonds.

See, the modern Tory Party will even safeguard dead animals! How about that!

David Bowles of the RSPCA said mandatory microchipping was a positive step, even if enforcement could be difficult.

Horses should be all microchipped and tattooed - why not start with them, before moving on to cats. Is it because you know damned well where all the unchipped ones are?

But you'll be turning up mob-handed at 89 year old Mrs Smith's door to make sure her little tabby complies with government regulations, I'll bet...

At this stage, as DumbJon nevers tires of pointing out, just what makes this Conservative Party in any way, shape or form conservative..?

No, Judge, That's Not What You Should Be Concerned With...

A judge told a man "you are going to get yourself killed" after hearing how he drove dangerously through Huthwaite.

...you should be concerned with the innocent people that might be hurt or killed by this menace.

Judge Sally Hancox addressed Jack Askew as she sentenced him for dangerous driving, driving whilst disqualified, having no insurance, failing to stop and handling stolen goods.

She told him: "The reality of this case is, yet again, you are behind the wheel of a car when you shouldn't be and you are driving like an idiot".

So you've done your duty and made the streets safe from this menace, yes?

She gave him a total of 21 months in prison, suspended for two years, and a two-year driving ban.

He must attend a "thinking skills programme" and complete 20 rehabilitation activity days.

*sighs*

No, They Never Have, Have They?

The child needed five stitches in A&E after the bloodshed at Stockwood Nature Reserve, southeast Bristol.

After the attack, Rosie shouted at the owner: "Put your dog on a lead."

He reportedly replied: "He's never done anything like this before."

Ugh. That old chestnut.

But nevertheless, police are investigating the mauling.

'Nevertheless'..?!?

'Let The State Look After You' Pt12875639

The 61-year-old man, known in the report only as SU, was largely bedbound and paralysed down his left side and required 24-hour care. He died at his home in New Malden in October 2016.

A review into the incident last year found that there was an “inadequate” response by the agencies involved in SU’s care, particularly around fire safety advice.

How so...?

The London Fire Brigade confirmed in the report that SU was at risk of fire because he could not rescue himself and liked to smoke hand-rolled cigarettes and cannabis in bed.

So...where did he get the cannabis? And why did no-one report it to the police?

His carers also used a paraffin-based product on his skin.

The review said that while an NHS report from 2007 warned about a fire hazard with paraffin-based skin products on dressings and clothing, none of the agencies involved in SU’s care were aware of this at the time of the incident.

Jesus!

The report concluded that “while it was SU’s choice to smoke in bed, there should have been an awareness of this risk across agencies.

“Clear information on the risk he was taking should have been relayed to and discussed with him and incorporated in assessment, care and treatment planning. The Adult Social Care and Caremark care plans did not refer to a smoking risk or the need for supervision whilst smoking in bed.

The Mental Health Recovery Support Team records do not refer to a fire risk in the household and the GP surgery had not recognised a fire risk.”

All those expensive 'professionals' and no-one with the common sense of an earthworm...

"And The Oscar For Best Performance Goes To...."

Mr Becker said Gelling regretted the crass comments made in the police interview about not caring for Mr Marginov's welfare.

He said: "The defendant is extremely remorseful. He regrets and is ashamed of the comments he made to the police and was distressed when he learned the life support machine had been switched off."

Yes, of course he is. That's why he had to be handcuffed to a security guard after attempting to escape the court.

After pleading guilty to the crime, Gelling was jailed for six years, with an extended four years on licence.

This type of sentence means he will serve a minimum of two thirds of the prison term - four years - behind bars, before a parole board will consider whether it is safe to release him.

What are the odds..?

H/T: Chris Hobbs via Twitter

It's The Perfect Excuse!

Bus Stop, a Barbadian restaurant in North Road, Brighton, has closed its doors and called in the liquidators after suffering months of uncertainty as the country prepares to leave the EU.

Owners Danny O’Shea and Dominique Osoria said customers became wary of spending money on nights out with the looming split fuelling ongoing questions over the country’s financial stability.

Funny, looking around I can see plenty of restaurants still in business. Why aren't they similarly affected?

Were these owners people with a solid business plan and a good knowledge of the market?

Dominique and Danny ran restaurants in Barbados for more than 20 years before starting Bus Stop in Brighton.

Ah. Well, Brighton isn't quite Barbados yet.

They said Brighton and Hove businesses faced a number of challenges including high rents and rates, combined with high parking and train prices deterring customers from making the journey into the city.

All things that have been around a hell of a lot longer than Brexit. And so could have been factored in.

“The city council is always talking about how great it is to have all these independent businesses but when you work in the Lanes and North Laine and see how many are regularly changing hands it shows just how hard it is.

“The council wants these businesses but they need to do more to help them.

“Deliveroo is also having a big impact. They are great for the big chains, but for small businesses it makes it almost impossible to compete.

“We invested a lot into the business and have ended up having to go into liquidation.

“There wasn’t an easy way out.”

Some might say you're just looking to find an excuse...

But You'll Face It For What You Really Did....

An outspoken vegan activist says she should not have faced arrest for protesting against “fascism and animal exploitation”.

So, was that why she was arrested? Because protesting isn't a crime...

Dylan Roffey, 24, was convicted of criminal damage after smearing fake blood during a protest at McDonald’s in London Road, Brighton.

Two weeks earlier, she was found guilty of confronting a woman at Brighton railway station and spitting in the woman’s face in a row over a fur coat.

Ah. Those are. As she found out.

She was found guilty of assault, and then guilty of criminal damage by District Judge Amanda Kelly.

...Roffey has been sentenced to 210 hours of unpaid community service. She must also pay a total of £750 court costs, £200 in compensation, and £170 for victim surcharges.

Out of her well-paying job as....errr....hmmm....

Perhaps We Should Replace The Expression 'Putting A Fox In Charge Of A Henhouse'...

...with 'Putting a Nigerian in charge of an expense account':

Details from a Freedom of Information by FE Week request show her extensive spending over the course of four years included two days in London, during which time she spent almost £1,100.

That included a stay at the £280-a-night Hilton Hotel in Bloomsbury, paying an extra £33.25 for room service at the four-star venue, and a night at the five-star Conrad St James hotel in Westminster at a cost of £369 for the room and £16 for an 'accommodation supplement'.

Using the credit card with a £20,000 limit, she also splashed out on a lavish meal at Michelin-starred restaurant Quilon, where the night ended with a £356 bill at 11.22pm, which included £111 drinks.

This despite her warning that the 2019/20 budget would be the 'hardest for many years', because 'There was a very limited safety net if cash ran out.'

Perhaps that should have been 'when the cash ran out'!

Receipts, released following the FoI request by FE Week, revealed Ms Mbubaegbu also spent £434.86 on Bang & Olufsen Beoplay H8 headphones and £302 on books including one about financial management.

Well, at least she has a sense of humour, then!

...the college has been forced to axe its A-Level department, with 20 jobs lost as it focused on practical courses such as bricklaying.

It is also embroiled in legal battle with the Nigerian state after it sunk £1.4million into an education project, during her tenure, which did not work out.

I know, I'm shocked too!

'We Must Have Diversity In The Police Force...'

'Nuff said.

You Must Know Who Has A Shotgun License In The Area....

An officer from Derbyshire police said Dom's brother had described the man as being in his late teens or early 20s. He wore a fleece.

The force is appealing for witnesses to come forward.

I mean, isn't this the sort of thing you hold those details for? So you can immediately remove the guns from the hands of morons who shouldn't own them?

Need Any More Proof Of The MSM Bias..?

So, on Friday on my way into work, this was the 'Metro' headline and editorial spin on citizens doing the job the authorities are woefully mishandling:

 And on Sunday, this was their spin on the RNLI story:

No, I don't think we need any more proof at all.

Guardian Writer: "Eradicate These Plucky Immigrants Who Crossed The Water To A Safe Home!"

What...?

"Aw, Sorry, Ed. I Did It Again With The Tweet..."

"Ahhh, it's OK, I think we got away with it last time, so..."

Sunday Funnies...

And to think I once won a quiz by knowing what 'Taser' stood for!

Failing Upwards Again...

A police chief found guilty of ‘bullying’ colleagues has been appointed head of professional standards at Scotland Yard – and will oversee the release of the Nick report into the public domain.

Surely not?

Despite being found guilty of three counts of misconduct last year, Mr Horne was controversially allowed to keep his job and has now rejoined the Met, his former force, as Deputy Assistant Commissioner (DAC) for ‘Professionalism’.

Well, if the Commissioner of the Met can get away with ordering an innocent man shot to death on a packed Tube train, I guess, why not..?

Enough's Enough....

Liam and Michael McLoughlin knew the female American Bulldog had previously attacked another child.

Michael was hit with a dog control order earlier this year and warned how to manage the two-year-old, called Lola.

But she struck again when a girl knocked on the door of their home in Stoneridge Court, Beechwood, Wirral on May 5.

If the police had dealt with this properly the first time, there's wouldn't have been a next time. But it's a very familiar story.

At least this time, the second - totally unnecessary - victim isn't dead, just scarred for life...

The girl is now "incredibly fearful of dogs" and her family described the ordeal as very upsetting.

They later learned the McLoughlins contacted police that day and contributed to a fee to have Lola put down.

'Contributed to'..? FFS! Who paid the rest? I bet I know...

The mutt should have been despatched by firearms officers then and there at the house.

Michael admitted failing to have Lola insured - one of the requirements of the order - for financial reasons.

And because no-one ever checks that court conditions are adhered to. Because they simply mark it 'job done' once the conditions are passed, and then move on to the next criminal chav case...

Michael has four convictions for 12 offences, all related to drug and driving matters. Liam has seven convictions for 13 offences, including assault and alcohol-linked offences.

Of course they do. These types always do. And they always have a hired mouthpiece to sing their sob stories for the judge...

Ms Griffin said Liam had a job and a flat of his own, but would lose both if he was jailed. She said Michael had three children and was "extremely concerned" about the impact of him being jail upon them.

Ms Griffin said Michael suffered from gastric issues and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. She said he had been let go from two jobs because of his health issues and was on benefits.

Ms Griffin said neither of the brothers intended to keep dogs ever again.

Strapped for cash, ill, 'unable to work' yet able to keep and feed large powerful dogs. And neither of them looks like they've missed any meals themselves...

Judge Robert Warnock said the consequences of their actions were "graphically" illustrated.

The judge said: "It must have been a terrifying experience for that girl.

"It came about in my view because of the respective irresponsibility of each of you and selfish disregard to the control order and the obvious dangerous nature of that dog."

So it's bang to rights, straight to jail?

He said if they had been convicted after a trial he would have jailed them, but their guilty pleas, remorse and behaviour since made it possible for him to spare them prison.

Judge Warnock gave them 16 months in jail, suspended for two years, a 15-day Rehabilitation Activity Requirement and 200 hours of unpaid work.

He banned the brothers from owning a dog for life and told them each to pay £500 in compensation to their victim.

What the hell was the point of the police whining and pleading and excusing their lack of action on these menaces because the Dangerous Dogs Act didn't give them enough powers?

It was amended, to give them more powers. Yet they still aren't using them.

At what point do we admit the problem isn't with chavs and their mutts, but with the authorities who prove unable to protect us?

And A Greedy PR Manager Bagged Himself A Free Advert...

A greedy seagull bagged itself a free meal after spying an unattended pile of breakfast food outside a cafe.

The scavenger seized the opportunity with both wings, jumping onto an outdoor table and guzzling down the remains of the unfinished meal.

'Bird eats unattended food' is now a headline? Really? Have local newspapers sunk so low?

Well....not quite!

This follows revelations from Irish bookmakers Paddy Power that Brighton and Worthing are some of the favourite places to announce a seagull cull.

Odds on the cull have tumbled recently with Brighton sitting as fourth favourites at 10/1 while Worthing are deemed the second most likely to introduce it with odds of 8/1.

The betting company’s owner, Paddy Power, said: “There are a lot of things in the news to be frightened of at the moment – from Trump offering to fire nukes at hurricanes, to seagulls taking over Britain.

“We believe it’s a matter of time until towns announce that they are having a seagull cull of their own – though our odds of nationwide cuts have fallen yet again.”

Nicely played, PR wonk, nicely played...

Normal For Eastwood

And always will be, so long as idiots like this are tolerated:

Councillor Paul Collins added: “Moving forward we need to try and understand why these people feel they need to carry a knife, and then eliminate that. That’s half the problem.”

What do Essex Police Farce say?

“We searched the area but were unable to find the people described. Enquiries are ongoing.”

Sounds about right.

Fine, I Sentence Her To Live Next Door To You For Two Years...

Gerard Kinch, mitigating for Ms Lester, said: "I accept yes this was annoying but I do not see this so bad that it warrants a custodial sentence.

"I don't set out to minimise the behaviour but I would not say it was the worst behaviour of its kind.

"Ms Lester has a problem with alcohol. Fearing the prospect of losing her flat prompted her to consume too much alcohol."

The usual excuses. The usual bluster and empty threat from the magistrate:

Magistrate Timothy Harrison said: "These are persistent and wilful breaches of court orders.

"On 9 January, you were given a order by this court. And yet on the 15 January you were again creating a disturbance.

"The order would have been very fresh and you would have been warned.

"For each of the breaches, this does pass the custody threshold."

Great! So, she's going inside?

Lester was handed a six months prison sentence, suspended for 12 months.

*sighs*

Mr Harrison added: "Let me be clear. If you create a disturbance and are brought back to court, the prison sentence will be activated and you will go inside."

Well, what's the likelihood of th..

Ah.

Lester, wearing a black and white printed top and a mid-length mini skirt, yelled "But I am not a violent person!" as she received her sentence.

Does that not count as 'a disturbance'? Apparently not.

But why should Timothy worry, since he probably isn't her neighbour?

Those Wheels Of Justice Have Ground...To A Halt

Natalie Lorimer assaulted the woman, who The Argus has chosen not to name, in Brighton. The attack inflicted actual bodily harm.

At Brighton Magistrates’ Court Lorimer was found guilty in her absence of the attack.

Magistrate Chris Bell was told the attack happened in March 2017.

 Two years...?

He imposed an 18-week suspended sentence on Lorimer, of South Coast Road, Peacehaven.

Well, what's the point of that, when she's not even present in court?

These 'Freak Accidents' Seem To Happen A Lot...

...and always to the same type of person. How queer!

Mrs Roy - who owns ELEVEN dogs - revealed that Mika has since been put down.

She said: "What needed to be done has been done and I can't do anything more.

"No amount of apology is going to bring that dog back.

"It's just a freak accident and there's nothing anyone can do about it, or will do about it, because it's nature."

For someone who claims to revere nature, she hasn't half spent a lot of money on not looking as nature intended...

Eleven dogs and a fortune on tattoos - she must have a very well-paying job, eh?

What are the people charged with protecting the public against morons like these doing?

Hampshire Constabulary confirmed a ‘number of enquiries’ were made at the time of the attack involving Dior on August 3.

A Portsmouth City Council spokeswoman added: "There was a joint visit to [Ms Roy's] property by the police, kennels staff and RSPCA where all the dogs were assessed and checked for microchips and work to resolve the situation is ongoing."

Ah. I think that's code for 'sod all'.

But You've Never Actually Worked....

Sonny Green announced he would stand as the Labour candidate for Southend Council’s Prittlewell ward in May and hopes his working-class background can make politics more accessible.

So he has a working class job? Is he a dustman, coal miner, builder..?

It comes as critics have hit out at offensive tweets the rapper posted on social media.

Oh.

Speaking with the Echo Sonny, who has since apologised, said his background is what will make him the ideal candidate.

He said: “I’ve always been politically inclined, even in my music. I am passionate about injustice and when things go wrong, it’s important to find out why.

“I joined Labour because their policies about investing in the NHS and social housing are inline with what’s important to me.”

Not to mention the dole, for when rapping no longer brings in the cash (if it ever did).

I Thought It Was An Offence To Lie To The Court..?

Oh, I forgot. It's OK when it's on your job description.

Brophy's defence lawyer, Michael Balmer, described the attack an 'unforeseeable offence.'

He told the court: "Genuine remorse has been evidenced by this defendant.

“Mr Brophy is a man of good character and he is in employment as an engineer and is studying to progress further in his career.

“He comes across as a genuine, hard working and likeable man who has found himself in a very difficult position.”

Which is why he immediately had the dog put to sleep, and compensated the injured woman in full?

Oh. Right.

The dog, which Brophy claimed had 'escaped' through a garden fence following the attack, has never been found.

*rolls eyes*

Greater Manchester Police said they did not have the powers under the Dangerous Dogs Act to force entry without a court order.

And they didn't think to get one?

Brophy was slapped with a community order and 120 hours of unpaid work, after admitting being the owner of a dog dangerously out of control.

He was also ordered to pay £2,000 compensation to Miss Cringle at a rate of £100 a month.

FFS! Yes, she was an idiot to put her hand in the letterbox. But the actions of the owner immediately afterwards show he's not a fit person to own a dog.

Isn't This The Wrong Way Round?

A dealer who targeted communities (Ed: no, just junkies...) in Southend will be deported after serving jail time for selling Class A drugs.

Aurel Elmazi tried to convince police officers he was a victim of modern slavery and was being exploited when he was caught with 58 wraps of drugs.

Heh! An excuse so daft even Judge Samantha Leigh wouldn't buy it...

The courts ordered the drugs to be destroyed and that Elmazi be deported to Albania once he serves his sentence.

Wouldn't it have been better to destroy Elmazi, and send the drugs to Albania?

Let's Make Them Live With Their Decisions, Not The Public....

Danny Lee cut Yasiira Senyonjo in the neck, causing blood to gush over his clothes in East Street, Brighton. Lee was on the run after failing to comply with the terms of his release from prison. He was previously convicted of knifing a man on the bus and threatening his own mother with a blade. The 31-year-old had been deemed safe to return into the public, so long as he took his medication.

But he did not...

Gosh! How unprecedented!

At Brighton Crown Court, Lee was sent back to prison for four more years.

Or half that, if he can persuade another bored State employee that he's all better now.

Lee was wanted on recall to prison at the time of the attack, having previously been sentenced to six years for inflicting grievous bodily harm in 2013.

He was put under stricter controls because of his “dangerousness” to the public.

Those 'stricter controls' did a bang up job, didn't they?

Jeffrey Lamb, defending, said Lee is described as a pleasant man, as long as he is taking his medication. He wants to move to Dublin in Ireland to resume a relationship, so Mr Lamb asked the judge not to make the sentence too long.

Because Border Control will make sure he doesn't come back, right?

Well said. It's a joke.

It's OK, I'm Sure Muggers Can't Read...

Oh. Wait...

C2C has decided to increase the number of guards at Southend Central but Southend East and Thorpe Bay stations will be among those who will lose permanent cover and be served by a mobile unit instead.

C2C will still have the same number of guards but with a greater presence at the biggest station.

/facepalm

"Sorry, Ed. I Left A Letter Off The Tweet, Will It Matter?"

"Nah, it won't change the whole slant of the story at all..."

"Shall I Ask The Editor If This Verb Is Correct?"

"Nah, son, this is the 'Mail'. Just go ahead..."

Sunday Funnies...

Well, they say if you find something you love, you should keep doing it...

Fill In The Blank...

Is it 'funding'? Is it 'discipline'?

Well, look who is writing the column for a clue.

...school means choices, and there are competing ideas about what school is for. The position firmly in place now in England, thanks largely to the influence of Michael Gove during his time as education secretary, is that our schools should focus their attention on producing units of sellable labour power (school leavers), and these units should be seen as being more or less able to compete in what ministers call the global labour market; there is an agreed amount of knowledge that needs to be transferred from teachers to pupils so that they can become these competitive units.

Yes, yes, it's all about producing obedient drones for the communist mach... excuse me, for the capitalist machine, isn't it?

Well, what would you have them learn instead..?

I might soon arrive at a school and do a poetry workshop with some younger teenagers. It could well go like this. They make it clear that they don’t like poetry. I tell them poetry comes in hundreds of different shapes, sizes, rhythms and moods; one way we can make poems is in a group and without writing anything down. For example, the people who are in charge of us in life have ways of showing they are fed up with us, angry with us, or through which they try to control us; punish us, even. What do such people say? I suggest they go into pairs and say these kinds of things to each other – in role, as parents, teachers, carers. We select the best lines. Then I say, can we create this into a scene? They suggest that all the lines should be said to just one of them sitting in a chair; the rest stand in a semicircle around him, and as they each say their line they point at the boy in the chair and then step back, while the semicircle repeats a chosen chorus.

We have made a snapshot of one aspect of their lives. It has rhythm, structure, solo and chorus, movement and mimesis. Later they can perform it for others, write a transcript of it and “publish” it on a school blog. We can talk about what we have made: what worked? Was it like any other poems or plays? This is the arts in action.

If so, you can keep it, Michael.

Because what you're doing is not 'art'. What you are doing is focussing young minds on their grievances, with no thought given to why these parents, teachers and carers are saying what they are saying to these children.

But then, how else can you ensure a steady stream of future Labour voters?

I Don't Think The Code Duello Applies In This Case, Amjad...

A man shot a knife-wielding boy at close range without warning following a chase on a Tube, a court has heard.

How rude!

Bienvenu Vangu allegedly shot the teenager, who is from Newham but cannot be named for legal reasons, as the Hammersmith and City line train was arriving at Barking station on February 20.

Ah, such vibrant diversity! I wonder again just why it is Billy Bragg won't live here?

Amjad Malik QC, prosecuting, said: "Mr Vangu chose not to pull the emergency alarm. He wasn't going to use that gun to threaten him.

"He wasn't going to say to him, 'Stay back or I'll shoot you'.

He didn't even shoot in the air to give him warning not to come any closer.

"He didn't even shoot him in his arm or leg to disable him to stop him. He was going to shoot him so he would not miss, in the most vulnerable part of his body.

"[Mr Vangu] used a gun he was carrying to shoot deliberately, at close range, in order to kill."

Well, so would I, if my partner in crime turned on me with a knife...

In eyewitness statements, one woman described the boy as "almost stalking or hunting" the man through the carriages.

Are we not enriched..?

It's Always Fun When The 'Guardian' Goes Walkabout...

...and meets with the sort of people they despise:

Talk of coups and warnings about threats to democracy were given short shrift by high-street shoppers enjoying the midday sun in the Thames estuary town of Grays on Thursday.

“It’s fearmongering. I’ll tell you what’s undemocratic: not finally delivering on what the people voted for back in 2016,” said Maureen Fowler as she paused from a shoe shopping expedition in the largest town in the Essex district of Thurrock, where 72% of voters backed leave in the EU referendum.

Heh! Our intrepid explorer forges on, questioning people who are trying to make a living:

Selling toy bubble-blowing guns (“£4.99 and it comes with two bottles of mixture”) from a stall halfway along the high street, Zoe Scarrott shrugged her shoulders and shook her head when asked if she shared the concerns of others elsewhere that the prorogation of parliament might be profoundly undemocratic.

“I think that they, the MPs, need to deliver what the people voted for and if he [Boris Johnson] thinks that he can do it this way then people are not really going to care,” she said.

Ouch! Not going well so far, eh?

Ah, well. There's always the 'Look, they are racists!' subtext to fall back on:

Like the others, the restoration of lost sovereignty was a priority but there was also a personal motivation, as she saw it, for wanting to see Brexit realised.

“My little boy is six and is extremely bright but he’s being held back because the school he goes to is one where there has been a massive influx of Romanians, Poles and other people, and the teacher’s time is being taken up with teaching their children how to speak English in the first place,” said Scarrott, who noted that most of her customers spoke in accents that appeared to be from overseas.

And with that, our guide to the wilds scurries back to the safety of Islington, where the nannies and gardeners and doulas have learned to hide their accents.

If At First You Don't Succeed...

...try, try again!

Her case comes six months after Britain's first transgender hate crime prosecution was halted by a judge who declared: 'There is no case and never was a case.'

Miranda Yardley, 51, said she was put through ten months of hell after being accused of harassing a transgender activist on Twitter.

But District Judge John Woollard dismissed the case after a one-day hearing at Basildon Magistrates' Court in Essex, saying there was no evidence of a crime.

What's the evidence this time then?

Mrs Scottow, 38, will face magistrates on charges of making malicious communications over social media comments about trans campaigner Stephanie Hayden (Ed: yeah, that one...).

The Crown Prosecution Service said she had been charged over 'persistent' messages designed to cause 'annoyance, inconvenience or needless anxiety' to another person between September 2018 and May 2019.

She is due to appear at Stevenage Magistrates' Court on September 18.

Let's see if whoever gets this case is also disinclined to use the bully pulpit of the law to resolve an online spat between single-issue nutters, like his honour was...

Is There Anything In That Bag...

...that'll help if a police helicopter crashes on your pub, then? Or you're lying in a ditch in a crashed car awaiting rescue that never comes?

Naturally, this being Twitter, the mocking was immediate, savage and merciless:

Not that the police will learn anything from it. It's as if Superman constantly forgets he's vulnerable to Kryptonite...

Brighton & Hove Streets Are Not Paved With Gold...

But with something a little more unsavory:

In June, Brighton and Hove City Council expanded its fining scheme which was previously reserved for litter-bugs, graffiti and dog mess.

It announced that human defecation, spitting and urinating would be punished too under its fines for “extreme antisocial behaviour”.

The move came after a rise in complaints to the council about these types of deeply offensive activities.

Well, it's now September. How's it gone?

But, two months on, no one has received a fine, a council spokeswoman confirmed.

Oh...

Seems to be a theme developing here:

Brighton and Hove City Council brought in “public space protection orders” (PSPO) in 2017.

The powers were billed as effective tools to tackle antisocial activities including people living in vehicles and tents in the city’s public spaces.

The council promised that, on request by an authorised officer, police officer or police community support officer, anyone challenged would need to remove any vehicle, caravan or tent within 12 hours.

Yeah. You guessed. They lied.

Now the council has said the order can only “ask” people to move the tents.

Pity the Advertising Standards Authority can't get involved. It could bankrupt every useless council in the country.

Never Forget...

18 years ago today...

Maybe Recruiting Armed Services Veterans Isn't The Answer For The Police After All...

'Opportunistic' PC Oliver Darby, 42, stole a bank card and provisional driving licence from Gary Steel when he discovered him dead at his home during a welfare check.

And he'd probably have got away with it if he hadn't also upset a fellow cop:

The Army veteran's "despicable" theft, in January 2017, was uncovered when his home was searched after a female PC accused him of being a Peeping Tom.

Just the sort of modern police officer we need!

Darby, of Camberwell Green, appeared for sentencing for three counts of theft at Blackfriars Crown Court after being convicted by a jury earlier this month.

He was sentenced to do 200 hours of unpaid work with 20 days of rehabilitation during a 12-month community order.

Let's see if PTSD gets raised in the excuse...

Heather Oliver, mitigating, said: "He's an Army veteran, he served his country for 16 years, he served his community as a police officer for nearly five years."

Ooh, nearly!

"Mr Darby is very shortly to be without an income and he will struggle to find employment given these convictions."

Ooh, I don't know about that!

'All Cultures Are Equal', Eh...?

Really?

This is the treatment of wildlife in the First World:

This is the treatment of wildlife in the Third World:

Any questions?

He Didn't 'Fall'...

...did he, 'Guardian'?

It's easy to see which papers are 'progressive':

The 'Sun', the 'Mail', several local papers, have no problems whatsoever telling it like it is.

A reporting restriction prevents the identities of both the victim and the defendant from being made public.

It doesn't prevent the papers from telling the public what really happened though, does it?

Are We Not Allowed To Point Out There's A Good Reason For This..?

Black people in Essex are still eight times more likely to be stopped and searched by police as white people.

Errr, yes. And...? There's a massive county lines drug problem in Southend, due to its proximity to London.

Who do you think is selling these drugs?

But of course, it's an excuse for the usual suspects to start braying like donkeys:

In an open letter to the the Home Secretary, a coalition of 20 race equality organisations expressed grave concerns with the new scheme.

They said: “Home Secretary Patel’s claims that ‘stop and search’ tactics are the foremost way to curtail serious youth violence are erroneous at best and disingenuous at worst.

“The latest announcements by the Home Secretary represent regressive and counterproductive policing policy and cheap political point scoring.

“Deliberately or not, the Section 60 proposals are too often discriminatory, inflammatory, ineffectual in reducing serious violent crime, and ultimately alienating to a generation of young children and adults that are from black, Asian and ethnic minority (BAME) heritage.”

Are the public allowed to have an opinion on it?

Guess not...

Well Played, 'Steve Via Email'....

...well played indeed!

Why Is Everyone Out To Get The Right...?

...even wildlife photographers!

Sunday Funnies...

Oklahoma is clearly more interesting than I ever thought...

"Human kind cannot bear very much reality."

And boy, is that also true of Twitter:

Seems reasonable enough? But batten down the hatches, here come the OUTRAGED!

You have to tell Claire everything, she DEMANDS it!

Who eats three meals a day of noodles..?

Criticising his cooking now?

They are really frothing now. 

I give up. If buying stuff off the reduced counter is 'theft', then come get me, coppers!

"Help Me, Judge Samantha Leigh, You're My Only Hope!"

At Basildon Crown Court on Friday, Noel Casey, prosecuting, said: “There was a degree of struggle from all three people in the car to resist the officers.

“The defendant, who was driving, refused to let go of the wheel or open the windows despite the officers’ instructions.

“During this time, the two other people made good their escape from the police.

“He was revving the engine and the officers feared he may drive off even if they managed to get in.

“He then stalled the Focus causing it to collide with the police vehicle.”

Leeks was handcuffed by the officers, one of whom suffered minor injuries when trying to break the windows of the car. Inside the Focus, a baseball bat, angle grinders, flares and other tools were found and seized.

The other two people remain at large.

Bang to rights! But.... wait.

Mitigating, Craig Harris told Judge Samantha Leigh that Leeks is the sole carer for his 15-year-old daughter and had made the attempt to steal the tools because “he was desperate” for money to help care for her.

*bangs head on table*

Judge Leigh chose to defer Leeks’ sentencing until January 31 to prove to her he could continue being a responsible parent.

What do you mean, 'continue', you senile old bat! He hasn't even begun to be a responsible parent!

Judge Leigh ordered Leeks to pay £500 to the two officers, who she also praised for putting their safety at risk to stop him.

He had his sentence deferred for six months after admitting theft and handling stolen goods in Basildon.

How do you think he's going to make that money?

Feel The Enrichment!

The 19-year-old told police he was trying to buy a drink priced at £1.40 but an argument erupted after a shop assistant charged him 60p more.

The customer was then stabbed in the abdomen with a 4cm-long salad knife before the suspect fled.

As the police dealt with the stabbing, a relative of the victim and another staff member were seen fighting.

The stabbing triggered a manhunt with police appealing for help finding 41-year old Turkish national Halil Ates wanted on suspicion of causing grievous bodily harm.

Aren't we so lucky in London?

At a meeting of Newham Council's licensing sub-committee on Thursday, August 15, councillors agreed to suspend the shop's alcohol licence.

Should have closed it all down...

Four staff members failed to co-operate with officers after they requested access to the shop's CCTV, police documents show.

Officers seized the footage but it failed to show the attack while a second CCTV system in the shop's ceiling had been tampered with.

Gosh. It's almost as if our laws aren't respected, isn't it?

Other Road Users Were Failed Too...

A man who died during a police chase after absconding from hospital was let down by failings in mental health services, a damning report has revealed.

How do you die during a police chase when you shouldn't have been allowed to leave hospital?

A safeguarding adult review, obtained under a Freedom of Information Request, revealed Mr Rich was not properly assessed after being moved from Kingston to Springfield hospital in Tooting.

He endured excessive waiting times, which caused him to become “agitated”, and decisions were made by inexperienced staff despite his history of mental illness.

Almost 24 hours after being sectioned he ran out of hospital, to his home in Richmond where he got into his Audi TT.

Police pursued Mr Rich for nearly seven miles. He crashed near Kempton and died.

Thankfully, he only killed himself. More, I suspect, through luck than judgement. But how does someone who is sectioned 'leave the hospital'..?

Suffer The Little Children...

...to lecture us all:

Yeah, sure. As soon as 'young people' can be trusted not to do stupid things because 'it's the fashion':

According to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, the area of the brain responsible for reasoning and thinking, the frontal cortex, continues to change and mature throughout the teenage years and into adulthood.

I'll not be lectured by someone who takes their gin up the back door, rather than in a glass with ice and a slice....

Goodness Me, What A Coincidence...

I'm sure that's all it is, though. There can't be any link. Can there?

Over the last few years the RSPCA has been called about the bodies of horses and ponies dumped like this in locations up and down the country, and more often than not they are not microchipped so the charity has no way of tracing the owner.

How convenient for them.

The owners, I mean. Not the RSPCA.

Or....do I? 

Apart From The Most Vital One...?

Yesterday a spokesman for the park claimed a fault had been located and the fountain turned off.

He added: “It looks like a small fault somewhere in the pipe work that allowed a small amount of chlorine to enter the water in the fountain.

“The good news is we have isolated the fountain and everything else is working fine.

“All safety procedures were followed.”

The one where it stops your fountain spraying pure chlorine into small children's eyes? That one..?

Scared Of The Competition..?

News Shopper understands a "prostitute" may be servicing clients in the same building where reporters work.

That's handy!

Building management of Press House in Petts Wood, which contains flats and offices, has warned residents that "unsavoury characters" may be seeking the services of a sex worker.

On Thursday morning (August 15), a "shifty-looking" man was sitting in the lobby as News Shopper reporter Jess Taylor walked into the building.

The news comes to you now, Jess! No need to go out and find it!

Aren't You Supposed To Know What's 'A Police Matter'..?

Horrified shoppers spotted a pair of French bulldogs locked in a silver van in Basildon town centre on Wednesday as temperatures neared 30 degrees.

Barking was also heard from another van in a town centre car park, off Great Oaks and opposite Basildon Fire Station, at 11.30am on Wednesday.

Concerned residents called the police immediately but have claimed they were initially told it was not a police matter.

Strange. Charities keep telling us it is:

Other police forces keep telling us it is:

Two hours later, as the situation worsened, Essex Police officers and fire crews attended, with firefighters managing to force the van’s door open.

How did the situation 'worsen' exactly?

One witness, who asked not to be named, said: “I saw the dogs and told the car park attendant.

“We stayed with the dogs but after two calls to police they said it wasn’t a police matter.

“A paramedic came over and she also stayed with us and her and another lady rang the police.

“I think they realised they had to send somebody then.”

Ah. I see. It was when the idle bastards realised how it'd play in the media if the dogs died and a whole queue of people lined up to give their story...

Essex Police failed to provide a comment when contacted by the Echo.

I expect the PR manager was hiding in the toilet, sobbing...

Gosh, Were There No Clues She Was A Liar And A Thief...?

The defendant is originally from South Africa, but has lived in Northern Ireland for a number of years and her other leading roles included the student union sector.

As well as her work with Dogs Trust, Peltz was regional co-ordinator of the Politics Plus organisation, which provides support to MLAs at Stormont.

She has also frequently been a media commentator.

Hmmm, charity worker, politician's assistant, union rep, media go-to talking head...

Nope, no clues!

"I say unto you, that likewise joy shall be in heaven over one sinner that repenteth, more than over ninety and nine just persons, which need no repentance."

Mr Waller said Marsh wanted to turn his back on drugs and had reached a low ebb in the past where he took an overdose in a park.

But Judge Laing QC said: “I have heard the saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. We are back for the third time now. I’m no fool.

“You assured me your drug rehabilitation was going well. But you ruined this young woman’s day.”

For breaching the burglary suspended sentence she jailed him for nine months, and added a further three months for the theft and for the suspended sentence in November.

The scales have dropped from at least one judge's eyes. It's a start.

A 'Massive Dog Lover'...

Ms Jackson said the owner, a girl in her 20s, and the dog "just ran off" after the attack.

She said: "I'm a massive dog lover and I know how to approach a dog - but it just went. I pulled away or it could have been a lot worse.

"I had to see a plastic surgeon as it went straight through to the inside of my nose."

Ms Jackson said she thought the dog was a "pit bull-type".

...but clearly not one that has any common sense.

You Don't Have To Have An English Degree To Work Here...

...but it'd help to know that it's either 'substantially damaged' or 'destroyed', it can't be both.

H/T: Dave Ward via email

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others...

Yeah, that's right. One isn't a spider at all!

Sunday Funnies...

Ah, PR departments, providing more entertainment than the games...