Alan Johnson Shows Why People Like Him Should Never Ever, Ever, Have Power

The absolute power to do anything, but for one day only. Not enough time to eradicate poverty, find a cure for cancer or ensure parity of esteem between academic and vocational education. One thing: a single proclamation; a dictat that required no pandering to public opinion or consultation with a focus group.

 See? That's how all politicians view public opinion, it's just that Alan is too dim to realise he's let the cat out of the bag. Or too arrogant.

But what's his plan?

It’s simple. I’d ban Coca-Cola and all its offshoots, lookalikes and variants.

Oh. Really?

I considered restricting my banning order to consumption by the under-25s.

 How good of you, oh benevolent one! But I'm sure the demons of your worse nature got the better of you in the end?

But why restrict these benefits to children? My power allows me to save adults from themselves; to push them towards healthier beverages such as rooibos tea and mango juice – or good old Adam’s Ale, that marvellous, refreshing drink that’s free at the tap (and expensive at the supermarket).

Mine's not 'free at the tap', I pay water rates. Don't you?

Coca-Cola would disappear, irrespective of its attempts to make itself respectable by producing a “diet” version. A great gushing waterfall would release it into sealable caverns previously reserved for nuclear waste, with a proportion kept back to be used for steam-cleaning heavy machinery. The result will be an army of happy children marching forward together, eyes bright, teeth gleaming; instead of teaching the world to sing, they will teach it to stop consuming sugar. Humanity will be all the sweeter for it.

Longrider has a much better idea of what to do with this power...